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Original poster

DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

999 replies

Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 19:50

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 02/01/2019 00:03

SchnitzelVonKrumm
They could get to a coparenting relationship if the other woman wasn't so intent on getting her ex affair partner alone whilst being vile to her ex's wife who has done nothing but be accommodating given the circumstance.

I agree with you that the OP is better off leaving him to it by the way.

I just don't see what is so difficult about meeting in public or with other family members present if it enables a healthy coparenting relationship to develop whilst OP and her husband work through the current shitstorm (caused by the DH and OW)
Any parent who was more interested in their baby than their sex life would be willing to do that.

MariaNovella · 02/01/2019 00:04

A mediator/chaperone does not exist in 2019 England. This isn’t Gilead!

MariaNovella · 02/01/2019 00:04

Legally there is no hierarchy between the children.

deepwatersolo · 02/01/2019 00:05

You mean, in the UK people are not free to choose mediation? Who knew. Well, then it will be no contact, then. DH made his choice and so did OW.

MariaNovella · 02/01/2019 00:06

I just don't see what is so difficult about meeting in public or with other family members present.

Because it would be illegal to force this upon the OW and her baby!

deepwatersolo · 02/01/2019 00:06

Maria legally DH cannot be dragged to an unsupervised visit he rejects.

MariaNovella · 02/01/2019 00:07

This isn’t a mediation situation. It’s a chaperone situation. Illegal.

MariaNovella · 02/01/2019 00:08

If the DH doesn’t want to meet his baby, I hardly see what all the fuss is about anyway.

deepwatersolo · 02/01/2019 00:09

Maria nobody is forcing this. It can be offered, just like the visit in OW’s home, alone. And all the offers can be documented. And once the kid is old enough he can judge for himself why he didn‘t have contact with his father.

category12 · 02/01/2019 00:09

Of course he can't be dragged to an unsupervised visit - but he can't then argue he hasn't been given the option of seeing the child and go to court to have it his way. It'd be a waste of court and mediators' time.

TheLazyDuchess · 02/01/2019 00:10

The biggest problem imo, is that if you stays with your dh, you'll be a step parent to this child, and active in their life. The child and ow dropping off/picking up/coming in for chats, will be a constant reminder of his unfaithfulness, in a way they wouldn't if this was just your ex's ex, and their new ds that you only had to see at birthday parties etc, a few times a year or less. As opposed to on a weekly basis in your home, for 18 years.

How much of the mental load do you carry for your own dc? How likely are you to end up having to remember this kids birthday, and choose gifts/make a fuss, buy and wash their clothes, remember appointment dates..? Would this make you feel resentful?

I can see why you don't trust him to visit her alone, bonding with the new baby as a family. For every minute he was late back, every time his phone buzzed and her name popped up wanting him to come over, you'd be more and more likely to think paranoid, jealous thoughts. That alone probably wouldn't be good for your mental health

Do the DC know? I'd refuse to tell them until a paternity test had been done, your dh needs to fork out for and organise this himself.

MaisyPops · 02/01/2019 00:11

maria
I'm talking about what is MORAL (something you seem fairly keen to dismiss a million times with silly references to Gilead)

To get to a point where a coparenting relationship can happen it will involve both parties doing things they maybe don't want to or would rather not. It will involve compromise for the sake of the child.

What a court might mandate and what is moral are different things.
And to be perfectly honest if the other woman didn't want another woman involved and having input then she should have thought about that before shagging a married man when his wife was at home.

MariaNovella · 02/01/2019 00:11

If the DH doesn’t want to meet a baby whose BC doesn’t name him as the father, there really isn’t much further to go. End of story.

TwistedStitch · 02/01/2019 00:11

They are both in a stand off. OW doesn't want the father's conditions and he doesn't want hers. I judge him more because his refusal to compromise results in him not meeting his child. She may not be compromising enough for some on here either but she has just given birth and we have no clue really as to her current physical and mental state.

MariaNovella · 02/01/2019 00:12

I most definitely do not agree with your idea of what is moral, MaisyPops. Your suggestions sound deeply immoral to me.

bowchicawowwow · 02/01/2019 00:14

Realistically how is this situation going to work? I honestly think the best solution is for the DH to walk away from the OW, pay maintenance and leave them be. I don't think the child that is the product of the affair will benefit from contact with a wider family that will resent its existence.

MariaNovella · 02/01/2019 00:14

It’s totally immaterial from the baby’s POV whether it meets its father now or next year. There is no hurry.

deepwatersolo · 02/01/2019 00:14

Maria he would like to see the baby (at least that is what OP projects into him) but he would like to not meet OW at home alone more.
And OW could cause him trouble if he agreed to such a visit. The very reason she insists on this setting, if she continues to do so in the next months and years, is suspicious.

MaisyPops · 02/01/2019 00:15

It's immoral to suggest that two adults meet up in public when they've just had an affair?
Crikey.
There are boards on here saying spouses should get new jobs if they've had an affair in the workplace and yet you're defending a woman using her child as a weapon to get her ex affair partner alone rather than do the sensible thing in the child's interest.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/01/2019 00:16

Maisy I completely agree with you. OW gambled and lost and now is refusing to put her child's interests first. In the context of her previous behaviour it is entirely reasonable for the DH to refuse to be alone with her when he is trying to fix his marriage and reassure his betrayed wife. If the DH's "punishment" is then not seeing his newborn, then frankly he can suck it up and wait until the courts settle access and maintenance. The baby doesn't care.

deepwatersolo · 02/01/2019 00:17

So true, Maria. I am just imagining how OW insists DH must meet their 5 year old son at home alone, because the park is not a safe environment.

MariaNovella · 02/01/2019 00:17

It would be best if the OP backed off and discouraged her DH from attempting to meet the baby at all for quite a while.

category12 · 02/01/2019 00:18

It's pretty pointless arguing over what OW should do - she ain't going to do it and there's no way of making her.

DBML · 02/01/2019 00:20

I agree that the best thing to do is this situatuon would be:

Paternity test
Arrange CM
Go through courts when baby is an appropriate age
As others have said, baby is too little to know any different right now

MariaNovella · 02/01/2019 00:21

It's immoral to suggest that two adults meet up in public when they've just had an affair?

Yes. We aren’t living in Saudi Arabia or Iran you know!

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