DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

Ah, OP models bad behaviour by making her own choices. Talk about misogyny.

I don't know, a couple of posters including Wendy have posted solely about the OW and the cheating husband has barely warranted a mention. He did get one mention from Wendy which is that OP is the winner because she has the kids her DH loves (unlike horrible OW who is all alone). How is that not misogyny.

Her husband will suffer the consequences of his vile behaviour as well. He is most definitely to blame just as much as her.

His wife won’t trust him. His kids will realise what he did. A difficult relationship with his child that won’t be as regular as he would probably like. If at all. Another man in his child’s life etc. The consequences for him are massive and long term as well.

I am responding to the op. In her situation she has dealt with it as best she can and I feel she is being perfectly fair. She has herself and her own children to think about.

They are the innocent party in this. Also his child to her is the innocent party which op accepts and has offered to accept into her family. With the condition he doesn’t see her and contact is minimal. Perfectly reasonable.

Got it Cassie, sorry.

Deepwater, I don’t believe every choice that a woman makes is an actively feminist one just because it’s made by a woman. There are always shades of grey, but in the case of the two basic choices here (stay or go), one clearly positions women as doormats for men, and one doesn’t. But of course whatever she ultimately chooses to do is up to her, and it will be “her own choice” no matter what

No worries, easy to get muddled on such a busy thread. 🙂

But of course deepwater I agree the OP is in no way to blame for this mess

Twisted not true. We settled that OP should not manage what is DH‘s responsibility AGES ago. Or do you mean, in order not to be misogynistic we need to endlessly bash OP‘s choice to stay and stand her ground, because bashing women for their choices and persuading them to just fade into the night in order not to interfere with DH‘s new affair is the feminist thing to do?

Eh? I haven't bashed OW for staying.

Twisted I think she mixed us up

OP, you’re right - he has ruined your first year with your baby and you can’t get it back. Please don’t waste any more of your precious years with your children fighting for something that he’s already killed. It’s no wonder you’re suffering from anxiety, I couldn’t live in that situation.

I feel like I lost the first year of my twins lives for very different reasons, much of it was spent in hospital and I was just waiting for things to be “normal” so we could get on with their lives. Much of their second year was spent in tears as it became increasingly apparent that something wasn’t right with them both and trying to find out what it was. We are now a third of the way through their third year and I can’t honestly say I’ve been relaxed and enjoyed my children for any of that time. That feels utterly shit and I’m doing what I can to change it.

Your focus needs to be you and them. What he does is his problem.

I agree, she sounds like she has behaved appallingly, but your husband is the real piece of shit here. Imagine having a child with someone, then having another - seeing your wife go through pregnancy, suffer through birth and then go and have sex with someone else while your wife is at home with two children including a newborn. It’s absolutely unthinkable.

And now he has a two week old baby that he hasn’t seen - could you carry on normally under those circumstances? Our twins were separated from us for 7 hours after birth and my DH was absolutely beside himself, I’ve never seen him so distraught. Your DH would have had no contact with his own child - how could he do that? Your DH is a terrible person, and all of this is his fault, not yours. Any negative consequences that come are his to bear, not yours.

I think you’ve been coping because it’s all been theoretical but how are you going to cope with this for the next 18 years? They’ll need to coparent, you’ll have to explain this to people, and to your children. It’s not tenable.

When I was a teenager I nearly lost my arm in an accident. I quickly realised that the accident itself wasn’t the worst part - a split second mishap meant hours of agony and months of rehab. I am terrified of needles and I begged them not to stitch me up. You’re like me with that almost amputated arm - the pain of fixing something is so much worse than the pain of the original injury. But they stitched me up (while awake, no anaesthetic) because otherwise I would have died. Now I just have a big scar but no pain. You don’t have to live with a festering wound for the rest of your life. You can be happy again.

OP I'm not sure if you're still here. I know you didn't want to be told to LTB. Catching up with this thread and the complexities of the arguments has made me think: this is basically your head, the parts you allow yourself to acknowledge and the parts you don't, played out in black and white.

If you got rid of him, you'd get rid of all this trying to figure out what is best for you, your DC and his other DC.

His head should be like this, but it doesn't appear to be.

Absolutely stay if you want to, but also recognise the burden - his burden - you're going to have to shoulder if you do, because you're a nice person and actually care about people.

Well, Sloth denigrating women for their choice not to make room for others and telling them that they cannot trust their own assessment of what works best for them in their situation is hardly the feminist thing to do.

I think it's misogyny that some posters are relishing in stating how awful the OW is to the point they are practically gloating about her child being second class, stating she should capitulate to demands from the father that she is unhappy with at 2 weeks pp as some kind of penance whilst not mentioning the man at all, except maybe as an afterthought.

But Amber - it is unreasonable to expect to have a relationship with a child and not the mother when the child is only a couple of weeks old!

It is unreasonable to try to separate them at this stage.

It is not in the OP's control to decide how the OW will make herself and her child available to the OP's DH.

Unfortunately, the OP's posts do read like she viewed the OW as 'gone' when the affair ended, but didn't deal with the reality of the OW being pregnant that means she's never going to be gone out of the OP's DH's life. He's tied to her now, just cutting her out isn't an option.

So the OP has to decide if she can cope with the OW being part of her wider family or not (and as the OW's DS is her DCs half-brother, that does make the OW part of the wider family now). But 'not' means she has to end her marriage, or insist her DH refuses to met or have anything to do with his own child. (But that's a whole other thread)

So the OP has to decide if she can cope with the OW being part of her wider family or not (and as the OW's DS is her DCs half-brother, that does make the OW part of the wider family now). But 'not' means she has to end her marriage, or insist her DH refuses to met or have anything to do with his own child. (But that's a whole other thread)

Ok, but the OW has said that she will never allow the new baby near his half-siblings or the OP...so what goes that mean for this “wider family” then?

Ordinarysnowflake I disagree. Some woman choose to have no contact with their ex for lots of different reasons.
They can still maintain a relationship with their child. Maybe things will improve in the future. Things may become easier for the op ow and her family.
Bad situations calm down things change etc. At the moment this is so raw and I think op is in her right to ask this. Op is on the verge of going on medication. She has a baby herself. She’s suffered enough.

I am in no way suggesting someone drag her baby from her and force her to let the dad have him. But she could compromise on small short visits with a third party. Like previous posters suggested he go around with his mum her mum. Public place. Whatever there are definitely options. He just doesn’t get alone time with this ow. I don’t see this as unreasonable. Sorry.

No, just disagreeing with the misogyny that holds a woman to a higher standard than the man involved
It's not holding a woman to a higher standard than a man by saying both parents need to put the baby first and that includes the OW who seems to be willing to use the baby as an excuse to get her ex alone so they can play happy families and she can still be in the picture trying to actively hinder her ex rebuilding his marriage.
He is a knob for what he has done to the OP. There is no doubt about that. However, he has made his choice, as has the OP so if the OW wants to refuse perfectly reasonable contact requests like a neutral person present/meet in public then I'm afraid she doesn't get a free pass because she's a mum. Using a baby has a weapon in your love life is low whether it's a man or a woman.
Poor OP is doing her best to look out for this new baby despite her heartache.

When my baby was two weeks old, I had burst stitches, insomnia, PTSD after a difficult forceps birth and my anxiety was through the roof.

I don’t know what other people felt like after giving birth but the idea of having to trek out to meet someone in a park in January would have not been ideal for me, especially when offering them to come to my house instead.

And as for having a ‘third oarty’in my house whom I didn’t know in order to chaperone me? I’d have told them to piss off.

You guys really think these are reasonable requests?

You guys really think these are reasonable requests?

Under the circumstances, yes.

And as for having a ‘third oarty’in my house whom I didn’t know in order to chaperone me? I’d have told them to piss off.
You guys really think these are reasonable requests?
If you'd knowingly had an affair with a married man, got pregnant with his child and he was trying to rebuild his marriage then yes.
Because an other women saying 'I know we had an affair, i know our actions could have blown a hole in your children's lives, i know i was willing to shag you whilst your wife had a newborn, and I know you're working on your marriage and I know your wife has been much more considerate of the baby than she has to be and wants to do the right thing, and sure I might have been rude and vindictive to her yet again... but I want you all to myself alone only' is bloody unreasonable on every level.

DBML, reasonable for who? For OP? Of course they are and I totally understand where she’s coming from.but for the OW?theyre not really reasonable at all.

Ok so that’s the price the Ow has to pay is it? Because she had sex with a married man, now she has to have a stranger in her home when she has just given birth to oversee her and make sure her behaviour is appropriate?

Of course, her priority, instead of her and her newborn baby, should be the re-building of the DHs marriage.

DBML you know, if OP and her DC leave, they just evaporate, so OW will never be in their lives. Therefore, it does not matter that OW rejects contact of baby with OP and her DC. They just need to evaporate, problem solved! It is the feminist thing to demand, OW is a woman after all, contrary to OP she has the W for woman in her acronym!!!

🤦🏻‍♀️

I agree maisy pops. Well said.

Well, Cassie, the price OP has to pay is having OW and her DC‘s half siblings in her life. Forever. And she didn‘t even have extramarital sex. So, going to the park with the baby and meet up with its dad and granny sounds like a bargain.