Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

[Twinkle2019]

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

Moonstoned - you’re right, it shouldn’t matter. I’m just really disappointed in myself for falling for someone under such circumstances. I keep playing scenarios in my head where he did or said things which I’ve overlooked and I’m sat here wondering how I could have been so naive

Oh Twinkle. He's a bullshitter. A compulsive liar.

I think the Freedom course will be hugely beneficial to you. Can I point out gently, that women with firm boundaries, had they been on the receiving end of that phone call - would have told him he doesn't get to pick apart anyone's character, that he's a liar for making up such bullshit, and that he's obviously manipulative. Then ended it there and not had anything further to do with him.

"One of our first phone conversations involved him analysing me based on my voice. He said he had taken a voice analysis course for £250 in 2009. Looking back at it now, he probably analysed me based upon the characteristics that he wanted me to have. Apparantly his analysis was correct as he had taken this course. I vaguely remember me saying that I wasn’t like how he had analysed me and he said no you are, you’ve got a note in your voice which indicates that is how you are, I’ve taken this course and everything else is correct so why wouldn’t that be?"

This is very worrying. He had only just met you, and he claimed to know you better than you know yourself. Whether he did a stupid sounding course or not, that doesn't give him the right to claim to be the expert on you. His arrogance and sense of superiority is distasteful.

I know you feel shit, but the positive thing is that you sought help and talked it through. Alarm bells were ringing and you didn't ignore them. That's a good thing. Be proud of yourself.

Oh my god. Run. RUN!

I doubt he did such a course for 250 quid.

I'm an avid watcher of true crime and voice analysis experts have years of experience.

They analyse voices of criminals and can tell when there is deception and when there is genuine emotion etc

This man is a con artist my dear. Get rid of him sharpish.

I think I really do need to prioritise going on the freedom course

Op, it is natural to ruminate over his conversations as you process what is happening. I am learning to hear and listen to my instinct and this relationship will also help you to tune in.
Clever abusive men fool many people, it is often subtle at first and develops once you are commited.Mine changed as soon as we married.
One common theme seems to be encouraging a woman to uproot and move from family, job or friends.

Twinkle, this is no diamond in the sky.

Good luck on your journey with this.

Ugh, Dud he ask permission to ‘analyse’ your voice?

I would hate being ‘tested’ by someone like that, unless it was a silly joke, or it was serious, they were well qualified and I pro-actively asked them to do it.

He may just be extremely socially inept and read too much popular psychology. Or a ‘how to get to know someone’ self-published manual. You know “how to start a deep and meaningful conversation “ (for the 3 things game) or “how to tell if you are boring someone from their voice”.

And if it is that he is merely socially and emotionally inept rather than controlling, you still need to move at snail’s pace, do the Freedom Programme and be alert to every little thing that doesn’t feel comfortable. It is very easy for all of us to ignore little twangs when we are in the full enthusiasm of an early relationship.

But analysing me and then telling me what I am like based on cod science and his inflexible assertion. would make me very uncomfortable indeed.

I haven’t read all of the replies... but please go to the police with his name. Under ‘Sarah’s law’ and ‘Claire’s law’ they can tell you if he has convictions for violence or sex crimes including against children.

I know this sounds bonkers, it did to me, until I went with a friend to ask about her new, amazing, family orientated, successful boyfriend... turned out he had been to prison for being a paedophile. She had 2 young girls that he was targeting- thankfully nothing happened as he never met them but the police had to go round to check for hidden cameras in their home. It was bloody scary.

I discovered my boyfriend had done time for assaulting a previous partner by enquiring about him to the police. He seemed lovely too!

They are very clever, very manipulative.
Just check by calling the non emergency number or by going into your local police station- better safe than sorry!

You are not stupid, he's a con artist. You've sussed him out, you've seen through him, you know what you need to do. I suspect this will prove to be a real turning point in your life. For the better.

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. This represents progress. Your last abusive relationship you stayed in for a long time and had children in. This one you've spotted before the moving in stage. Hopefully there won't be a next one, because you'll see it coming a mile off and avoid it. Be proud of how far you have come. The freedom programme will help you with your next steps.

Honestly, fuck looking him up or researching him or Claire's Law or any of that. He's shown you enough red flags. No meeting on Monday, that's another chance for him to manipulate you because he wants his way no matter what. Just 'Can't meet you on Monday.' and dump him.

Exactly, thebaronet. Don’t give him any more headspace, let alone wondering about his short marriage, academic cv or possible convictions — ditch mmediately.

OP,you sound lovely and 2019 is going to be your year to make friends(at the school gate,through new hobbies etc).

Just build on your self esteem and boundries,either with him as a boyfriend or alone. Just keep your children separate.
Hugs x

Iv missed a few posts and suddenly he’s a liar, potential pedo & a con artist what the hell have I missed 🤦🏻‍♀️

You've missed the OP's posts where she's given examples of him lying and being a con artist. Also of being weird, controlling, immature, needy, pushy .................

The thread. You've missed the thread.

But regarding the morals of it all, your kids will learn a lot from a parent who isn’t scared of risk taking and change and in practical terms, if it does all work out, the long term benefits are substantial. (No longer paying rent, a man keen to step up etc)

No, when grown up, children will appreciate being kept safe and not thrown into living with an unknown man who may be abusive towards them and their mother.

They will not appreciate being thrown into harms way on a romantic whim by the person who is entrusted to care for them first and foremost.

Voice Analysis course?
Yea right!
More like he attended one of those NLP training courses you complete in a weekend or online, where they teach you how to use psychology and certain verbal techniques to manipulate a person's mind.
There's even a version out which allegedly teaches men how to use these 'techniques' to pick up women and 'mould' them into the 'perfect' gf
It looks like just the usual guff on the surface, but actually quite dangerous when you look at some the 'techniques' used - like embedding commands into your subconscious mind.
I didn't even know this stuff existed until it happened to me.

I'm glad you continued posting because hopefully the MN wisdom from lived and learnt experiences will remain with you for years to come, and you'll be able to be a stronger and more confident version of yourself.

just seen this thread, it's a good read www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3463079-Red-flags-you-are-in-a-terrible-relationship-share-yours

Yeah, I think you should prioritize the freedom course, too, OP. And if he is not an asshole, he will understand that, go slower and wait it out.

Heebie someone embedded a command into your subconscious?!? Very much doubt this is possible. Manipulation by NLP, yes, (they will try to mirror your gestures and suff, as this makes one easier to persuade), but outright commands? I guess, hypnosis can do that but a mere conversation?!?

The voice analysis thing. Did you 'Weirdo!' alarm not go off? It should have!