Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

[Twinkle2019]

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

Oh god I’ve got it in my head in the tune of big cook little cook

"Yes my childhood was both abusive and neglectful
As a young teenager I was also put in some very awful situations by boyfriends. Thinking about it, all I’ve ever known from relationships was abuse."

You might find NAPAC helpful: www.napac.org.uk
And the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward

We're giving you a lot of "homework" but hopefully it's all helpful!

Elspeth

Thank you anotheremma

Yes it’s all very helpful. I’ve always wanted to do address my childhood issues but I guess a part of me was always in denial

Personally I say go for it, certainly don't rush and go in with your eyes open but you deserve to be happy. It's possible to get a police check done for instance to ensure they haven't a murky past, and I would suggest you thoroughly discuss the financial implications eg how much you will be paying, what of the children's expenses are wholly your responsibility etc - drawing up a written agreement is a good idea. As far as tenancy, you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position however you can mitigate this by having a savings account that you keep enough for a deposit and first months rent as a backup if things don't work out.

People saying about moving schools - plenty of kids move, mine attended in 3 cities on two different continents! Secondary school age is harder, much easier when they are small.

Call me an optimist but you have to take calculated risks in life, if we didn't we would all live with our parents as sad singletons ... take precautions but make happiness the goal

RTFT

Twinkle, I’m a senior academic, and, honestly — while your boyfriend may obviously be in an entirely different field to mine — what he’s saying about his job prospects as an academic in your city doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.

Deciding you want to be in a particular city and immediately having a standing job offer at one of its universities which would allow you to move within two months is just incredibly unlikely, even at world-leading level. The academic job market is slow-moving — there are not many jobs anyway as it’s just not that mobile a world, three months’ notice is standard to quit your job, and appointments are slow to make. Plus Brexit has put a crimp in much funding.

Saying he can waltz into an academic job in your city on the basis of a job offer made back when he was still a doctoral student just doesn’t sound at all likely. Which he must know.

Moonstoned - yes, there was something really off about the whole thing. He was like ‘oh wait when I was doing my post grad I had an offer.. let me email the professor and ask to meet him and see if the offer still stands’ and whilst he was on the phone he was pretending to find the email that he had received but it didn’t really make sense to me as he had never mentioned this before and it seemed really odd. I think he randomly made this up on the spot

Not read the whole thread, but by your latest posts, this man sounds like the man my friends mum moved cities to be with when her children were at a young age, but older than your kids. It didn't end well. He was a very horrible man.

Delores your post at 22:38:37 really resonated with me. I was pretty much that person you describe as well. You have an excellent way of putting things.

Op, my advice based on an abusive relationship (that was absolutely "perfect" for long time) is to ask lots of questions.I was naive because I thought abusers would be aggressive however ex appeared calm and gentle. However on reflection I realised he successfully avoided direct questions about his previous marriage plus I had no one from his side to validate his version.

Drill down until you feel you understand why his marriage failed and why he wants to live together. His reaction to to you wanting to know about him will be interesting.

In my case Ex targeted me, through work and over a period of time. He later told me how he had watched me for a while and played the long game. He is very intelligent and highly manipulative..I didn't see through it because he was so good at it.He never slated his Ex as that is a well known red flag however he painted a picture of her which lead me to believe there were unsuited. Now I know it was the classic idealuse, devalue and discard cycle.

I was also highly flattered and naive because I didn't know such toxic people existed. Don't blame yourself the charming abusive men hide very well.

Those who are fortunate to have not experienced toxic relationships have a optimistic view.I would say optimistism/naivety when you have vulnerable children is foolish.

is it just me or does this smell fishy? ... i wouldnt be trusting him. 8 months is nothing at all and you should know better if you have kids to think about... vulnerable children.

Too soon

I am a former academic and would echo what Moonstoned said about the job market. Your boyfriend’s story sounds extremely implausible to me.

Have you googled him - his current job and his publications ? Have you met his family , friends , work colleagues ?

Thank you, nicenewdusters - I've had years to hone my writing skills about shite relationships

Not read the thread..

But yes, you are being selfish and somewhat foolish.

If he's that into you, he would move to be with you. He should realise that having their Father in their lives is important and that keeping their status quo is paramount.

Please. Do not uproot your children. Men will come and go. Your children should always come first.

Christ. Just scanned through the thread out of curiosity.

DO NOT MOVE TO BE WITH THIS MAN.

Jeez. Don't even think about it!!!! In fact, get rid of him, that would be a better move right now.

I agree that something definitely sounds off with how quick he’s trying to move in with you. He could be doing this for any reason though, he could be in serious debt, he could be trying to make a point to his ex or ex’s family, he could be a peadophile etc who knows it could be absolutely anything but the reason he’s pushing it is because it suits him, he’s not worried whether or not it suits you.

What matters here is that your spidey senses are tingling and they’re tingling for a reason. Your gut is telling you something is amiss and you need to listen to it, that inner voice is there for a reason, to protect you.

It sounds like he’s panicking for some reason so is now trying to push you to do something that will suit him. You won’t know why because after only 8 months you just don’t know him well enough yet. Which is why it’s so important to spend a long time getting to know someone before you move in with them especially if you have children.

This all reminds me of someone I went out with a couple of years ago. Same kind of thing he was all suited up, high earner well mannered and charming and full of ‘we’re soul mates’ rubbish. And I too was extremely flattered and passively went along with it ignoring the red flags that were starting to wave. After a while things really didn’t add up though and I began to suspect he was just a compulsive liar. Thankfully I had the courage to break it off. I still shudder when I think of him and realise I had a very lucky escape.

Op you sound like a very intelligent lady. I hope you make the right decision for you and your children.

He actually gives serious creep vibes with the 'questions' game. If you lived with him I could predict moods, temper, walking on eggshells, control, jealousy - you name it.
In all honesty I would end it with him now, and be prepared for him not to take it well. I hope he doesn't have keys to your house.

What he likes about you are all physical...he sees you as an object.
The “silly” games have a hidden agenda. He objects to what you think? This has you doing a dance in your brain to search for the right answer (to please him). Note to self: you will never attain the right answer. It is designed to frustrate you, and to eventually not trust your own brain (thus he controls decisions). Your frustration is his entertainment and/or gives him a fabricated excuse/validation to vent his spleen.

Instead of doing that dance, try saying something like “you not liking or respecting my subjective opinions really indicates that we are just fundamentally incompatible”.

And he is throwing “a bit of” tantrums? This is a seed of his behavior- the kind of thing that will have you hearing him say one day -well, you knew what I was like before we moved in together.
You are a mum. You have to put up with (manage) that crap (tantrums) from your children; you certainly are not going to put up with it from an adult. Speak with your feet and leave the room, every single time. But if you are at that point in a relationship-the writing is on the wall: He Is Not A Keeper.

On moving in: you said you were not ready to uproot and move yourself. You did not actually say the word “no”. He jumped in and moved the goal posts (applying an earlier date as a consequence: you implied later- nope- he is going opposite that, so sooner).

Do you have trouble saying no to him? Or saying no in general? The Art of Saying No
is a book that might also be of use for you.

You implied no to moving in. He saw that and counterattacked with his new plan (that rather ups the ante in engulfing you)...completely dismissing your implication.
So
He implied that he wants to know where you are, what you are doing at all times and he has an expectation that you will be at home to greet him when he returns from his ivory tower. And your response is: ? Perhaps it was hard to respond in the moment so your reaction might have been a deer in headlight frozen kind of feeling. Not saying no is a yes to him. You really need to say it in specific terms:
That doesn’t work for you; in fact the whole relationship isn’t working for you.

Rehearse your lines. Repeat broken record style. He probably won’t listen (as he will be furiously formulating a counter strategy) so you need to be ready for action to block him on all fronts.

If he was offered a chance of a post it was probably linked to a specific grant and for doing temp research or teaching for a fixed term. I worked in Higher Educatiin for 21 years

Violence towards women may very well kill them sadly but mind games like this can leave women severely mentally unwell. I think he is potentially someone that will seriously mess with your head. I also think he will damage your daughters mental health.

DH and I 'played' Three Things I Like About You in a parenting workshop. But it was an exercise rather than a game, and I don't think 'big cock, meaty cock' were the type of answers the facilitator was after ...

For your bf to want to play it repeatedly is weird and if not controlling then definitely immature.

It's interesting that the reason his marriage broke down is due to OTHER people who were apparently too controlling - him projecting perhaps?

I second reading 'Toxic Parents', it's great. It's reassuring and a great sign that you're so open to all the questions and self-reflection OP; sounds like you haven't been able to do much self-reflection before but that it's what you need right now.

I'd check that he IS an academic of the level he said. I'd do a lot of googling of him if you haven't before, and phone up his university and ask to be put through to him or to check what department he's in for a (pretend) letter you have to send. I'd do that even if you're thinking of ending the relationship.

I'd also see if you can find a book group or sport or hobby or evening class to do one night a week to do something solely for you and which may end up with you making friends. You deserve company and having fun - but you deserve company that comes without controlling and manipulative behaviour.

I agree with pps who said google him, check his uni, ask for him etc; if you haven't already.

Is there such a thing as a voice analysis course? One of our first phone conversations involved him analysing me based on my voice. He said he had taken a voice analysis course for £250 in 2009. Looking back at it now, he probably analysed me based upon the characteristics that he wanted me to have. Apparantly his analysis was correct as he had taken this course. I vaguely remember me saying that I wasn’t like how he had analysed me and he said no you are, you’ve got a note in your voice which indicates that is how you are, I’ve taken this course and everything else is correct so why wouldn’t that be?

I didn’t really think much of it to be honest as it was in the initial stages of getting to know him but now I’m beginning to think that was a lie as well. He never attended any course.

But Twinkle, in the nicest possible way, what does it matter? Everything you say indicates an alarming level of controllingness, a man who tells you what you are ‘really’ like, and who simply doesn’t listen. Get rid of him for your own safety and happiness, and that of your children, do the Freedom programme, and don’t embark on another relationship until you have a much stronger sense of appropriate behaviour and boundaries.