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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
BifsWif · 31/12/2018 11:51

Well done OP, you sound amazing!

Wishing you nothing but happiness in 2019 x

nicenewdusters · 31/12/2018 12:02

So pleased to see your update. You are so far from "disturbed" - please don't ever give yourself that label. What you are is courageous. It takes immense courage not to reach for the nearest available "something" which superficially makes us feel better, but instead to stop and really examine our motivations. It can be very painful, but it's hugely empowering, and let's you cut the strings that make you another's puppet.

It's also a virtuous circle. What your girls will learn from your attitude towards yourself and future relationships will hopefully mean they never have to start a thread like this.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 31/12/2018 12:26

You are the Captain of your own ship! Brew Brilliant Star

Lougle · 31/12/2018 12:27

I'm just delurking to say well done, and to say that for every one who has posted, I'm sure there have been many more, like me, who have lurked, reading in the background, with nothing useful to say.

I'm sure that, either now or in the future, at least some of those lurkers will be women who are unsure of their new man, wondering if they are being unreasonable to take the next step with their DCs. Your thread, your bravery, is going to make a difference to those women. You're amazing. Flowers

JK1773 · 31/12/2018 12:37

OP I have just read this thread and wanted to say a massive well done to you. Some of the advice I have had here over the years isn’t easy to read but it is generally fine advice posted from experienced people who genuinely want to help you. Your gradual realisation, questioning and acceptance is very clear. Not easy steps to take.
The man sounds to me like a bit of a fantasist. Someone who would try to isolate and control you, who lies when he’s cornered and would make you feel you were going mad. My ex was exactly like this. I escaped it over 3 years ago after 7 years wasted on him. I’m happily single now and love spending relaxed time with my friends, I have a good job, a nice home and a red flag detector that works amazingly well. I don’t think all men are bad, far from it, I just haven’t found one good enough for me yet, which is fine.
Good luck to you and your children. This man may pester you for a while but be firm and don’t let him cross boundaries. Ignore him. Oh and all the best for 2019! Onwards and upwards

thebaronetofcockburn · 31/12/2018 12:42

Well done! Remember that he manipulates you when you speak on the phone or in person, so stick to text and messages and refuse to answer his calls or meet him in person. NO wishy washy or 'sorry'. 'This relationship is no longer working for me. I am ending it to spend time focusing on my child and personal goals. I wish you best of luck in the future but it's time for me to move on. I know you'll respect this and my need for space and privacy and so I ask you not to contact me any further. Thanks. x,Twinkle'

Iooselipssinkships · 31/12/2018 13:04

I've just read through the thread and I wanted to say good for you OP. You're much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

WisdomOfCrowds · 31/12/2018 13:08

Hey, how are you doing today OP? Stay strong and don't let him manipulate you into meeting him or talking on the phone. Don't let him convince you that you "owe it to him for closure" or that "it's the least you can do after all he's done for you" or any bollocks like that. You don't owe him anything and he hasn't done anything for you. He's just some guy that you dated for 8 months. It's a short relationship, semi-serious at best, you are well within your rights to end it via text. His hurt feelings are not your problem.

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 31/12/2018 13:55

Hi, I am feeling better today thanks.

Unfortunately, I did tell him everything over the phone as opposed to text messages. As it is, he doesn’t usually text back and leaves
me audio notes instead.

He was being very clever in his reaction, being really calm and then telling me that he had already contacted the estate agent who has arranged a viewing for people to view his property on Thursday! When I told him that I did tell him to wait, he said when he says he is going to do something he will do it sooner rather than later. His blatant disregard for my feelings, have indeed been confirmed.

He wasn’t listening to what I had to say (surprise surprise) and proceeded to tell me that he is happy to commute. When he realised where it was all going, he told me to call him back when my children are not in the background as he doesn’t want to get angry when they are there.

I know I shouldn’t have answered his call, but if I text him, I know that he would continuously pester me. I won’t entertain any more conversation from him.

Psycho.

OP posts:
beansontoastfortea · 31/12/2018 13:57

Get 'angry' with them there? What a nut job!!!

So he's expecting you to wait all day, and then phone him knowing you can expect him to be 'angry'

Did he not even ask you why?

Absolutely brilliant that you've come so far from the beginning of this thread op! Even more red flags from him!

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 31/12/2018 14:05

When he said that, I went to a quiet room as I felt it would be best to have everything cleared up in this conversation, but all he kept saying was ‘i said call me when you’re children are not around’

No, he didn’t ask why. He must have known something was up as I had already cancelled our plans to meet today and had told him that me moving to him wasn’t a great idea, however, he didn’t ask why.

OP posts:
Moonstoned · 31/12/2018 14:06

You know, this is all positive, even if you feel understandably harassed, OP -- you recognise now that he's a controlling nutter who doesn't listen to a word you say, which puts you at far less risk. And you know perfectly well that he has absolutely no grounds to be angry with someone who refuses to be rushed into cohabiting in a very new relationship. If it's even true that he's put his place on the market (and it seems deeply unlikely, given the time of year), then he's just going to have to take it off again, isn't he?

Don't call him back, obviously. Congratulate yourself on your self-preservation instincts.

thebaronetofcockburn · 31/12/2018 14:11

Do NOT call him back. I'd actually block him. I really hope you do. And I would text him and message him on social media. 'I am ending this relationship. It no longer works for me. I do not want further contact with you so will block you. Any further attempts to contact me will be construed as harassment. This relationship is OVER.'

And that's it. His comment ordering you to call him when your kids aren't there as he doesn't want to get angry in front of them is chilling.

People like this nearly always show their true colours the second their power and control is taken from them.

AnotherEmma · 31/12/2018 14:20

Well done OP. Sounds like you handled that conversation brilliantly.

And FWIW I thought it would have been really difficult to end a relationship like this by text message. I don't blame you for talking to him on the phone. I don't see why you should call him later though, given that he's told you he plans to be angry! Sounds as if you've said everything you needed to say to him?

You've had a lucky escape I think. Well, not all luck - your instincts were telling you something was up and led you to post here.

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 31/12/2018 14:25

It seems extremely unlikely that over the course of the weekend he managed to contact an estate agent and get his house valued for renting and find viewers for this week. In fact really this must have all happened this morning mustn't it, otherwise I'm sure he'd have told you yesterday.

I'd try to spend no more time wondering about what's true, the man's not right for you and unfortunately he'll not take the time to consider his part in this before finding his next love interest. But you can't help him, or fix him. Concentrate on yourself and start the new year with him blocked.

The very idea of him bossing you around and instructing you to phone him back. Angry You've taken control, now keep it. 💐

beansontoastfortea · 31/12/2018 14:28

Agreed with all the pp, do not call him... send him a message that the relationship is over and to not contact you again as it will be deemed as harassment

If he's put his house up for sale then tough shit! No estate agent works that quickly op, he's a bullshitter

Yulebealrite · 31/12/2018 14:28

I'm glad you called. His reaction has just confirmed you are making the right decision.
You don't need to talk to him again. You have ended it personally. That is enough contact.

Sarah22xx · 31/12/2018 14:34

Well done!!! I'm very proud of you :) you deserve better xx

magoria · 31/12/2018 14:37

Wow his masked has slipped pretty fast.

Who the hell does he think he is telling you to call him back when alone so he can be angry at you!

Lucky escape there.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 31/12/2018 14:38

I'm so proud you, Twinkle! you have taken back control of your life. Thank fuck you posted here when you were undecided about moving in with the controlling arse. Men like this think women owe them a relationship and doing their bidding.

Have a fabulous, twat free 2019! Grin

Dirtybadger · 31/12/2018 14:44

I agree re not calling back. There's no point- for either of you. You aren't going to change your mind and there's no benefit to him for you to just be repeating yourself. You phoned and spoke to him, you haven't been unreasonable about anything.

Well done OP. His reaction to this has been convenient confirmation of being a bad'n.

Dullardmullard · 31/12/2018 14:52

one more text, not call and say its over and block him.

NorksAreMessy · 31/12/2018 14:53

With your new resolve, I expect you will see all sorts of things he has said in the past in a new light.
Do you think you reacted differently to the phone call than you would have done in the past?

Keep strong...and just imagine all of us vipers standing beside you cheering and waving pompoms !

Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 31/12/2018 14:59

He is definitely lying about the estate agent thing as he only mentioned it to me yesterday and there is no way he could have called them up this morning and already have viewings for Thursday! Oh well, not that it matters.

I’m definitely not going to call him back later!

Twat free 2019! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 31/12/2018 15:03

Norks - yes I did react differently on the phone call. As soon as he said oh I’ve already contacted the estate agents I immediately thought liar and previously I would have felt sorry for him and perhaps not continued with the convo

He was also taking a lot of deep breaths before he said something so I was telling myself to be prepared for some lies and then when his responses were really calm I knew it was all an act

OP posts:
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