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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish? Moving city with 2 children for new man..

510 replies

Twinkle2019 · 29/12/2018 11:06

I have two dds (2&5) I’ve come out of an abusive relationship and have now met a wonderful man who I really, really like.

He has no children of his own. We have taken things slow. I do not want to burden the girls with anything and he has been great about this. He said that we would live apart until the girls are comfortable with him and then we will move in together

He now wants me to move in with him. He owns a property and I am renting. He is in a well paid job and in my smaller city, there are no job prospects for him here. I am in a normal office job and could find a similar job in his city.

The thing is, my daughter has recently started school and is in reception. I feel awful having to take her out and her having to move cities, make new friends etc. Also, their dad is here so again I feel awful moving the girls away from him

New partner is very understanding and is okay to continue to live aprt for longer but does eventually want me to move in with him.

Am I being selfish considering moving to him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 30/12/2018 15:44

No, it didn’t go off which I now understand is worrying

I was intrigued with what he had to say and initially thought it was just a bit of fun

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkle2019 · 30/12/2018 16:08

Thank you everyone for all your valuable posts.

I have acknowledged the fact that due to a somewhat troubled childhood, I have been a prey to abusers since a young teen and my vulnerability makes me a perfect target.

After leaving a very abusive and controlling relationship, I was in a fragile state of mind and I guess was craving love and affection.

I understand the dangers of moving from one relationship to another so fast, and the implications that it could have on my girls.

I have been blind to the many red flags in the relationship due to his approach and I have become increasingly worried about his lies and hastiness.

I have decided to take heed of what has been mentioned on this thread. Firstly, I will prioritise the freedom course and thereafter will seek to work on some of the issues I have had since childhood which I have overlooked.

I have established that focussing on my self care will enable me to be the best mother that I can be for my girls.

With regard to him I have decided against meeting him tomorrow and will let him know that I think it is in both of our interests that we do not proceed any further with this relationship.

Deep down, I’ve always known that I attract the wrong sort of man. I’ve also always known that my childhood is the cause of a lot things that have happened in my life but I have always been in denial. Sometimes it just takes a stranger on the internet to put things in black and white which makes you sit back, ponder and reflect and realise just how disturbed you are.

OP posts:
PaleRider1 · 30/12/2018 16:31

New Year, new start, new you.

Absolutely nothing wrong with being a single mum. And absolutely nothing wrong with random strangers pointing something out in black in white and letting you see it in glorious technicolour.

Evidencebased · 30/12/2018 16:40

You’re not disturbed, but it’s brilliant you can now see that you are vunerable, and a target for the wrong kind of man.

I was so worried for you at the beginning of this thread; so pleased to hear where you are now.

Let nothing stop you doing the Freedom Programme, it’s brilliant.

All the best for a fab 2019

Evidencebased · 30/12/2018 16:44

And you do realise that the two really, really important things that happened here are down to you: you listened to whatever part of you felt not entirely ok with the situation, and started this thread.

And then you listened, and were able to take in what was said.

You did that.
Kudos

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 30/12/2018 16:45

Excellent, Twinkle! your girls will learn from YOUR learning;

A man's needs do not trump a woman's needs

A woman can say no. No does not mean maybe

A relationship will not solve your inner issues

If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't

Flowers
maximumcarnage · 30/12/2018 16:49

That’s really encouraging news. Sincerely hope everything works out for you. We all deserve good in our life. Best wishes for the New Year.

ThatPeskyElf · 30/12/2018 16:59

Great to hear you’re feeling more confident and are taking control.

A pp didn’t agree with my advice that you should use Sarah and Claire’s laws to run his name at the police station as they said you shouldn’t use anymore headspace on him... however if he is on licence or has conditions on his release stating he shouldn’t be establishing relationships with women with kids/meeting them etc etc chances are he has broken them.

If you don’t flag this up, his case workers won’t know.
By bringing it to their attention it would be a red flag for them to step up monitoring him/rehabilitation or exercise similar powers.
This might in turn stop him getting to there in the future.

Good luck op... happy new year x

ThatPeskyElf · 30/12/2018 17:00

So many typos.....
*getting to others

AnyFucker · 30/12/2018 17:12
Star
Pluckedpencil · 30/12/2018 17:20

If your daughter is 2, you haven't taken things slowly.

Pluckedpencil · 30/12/2018 17:21

Sorry, just read your update. Good to see you have your head screwed on and listen to impartial advice.

Yulebealrite · 30/12/2018 17:33

Do the course etc then you can re-evaluate everything from your new perspective.
Maybe he is just over eager, maybe he's a controlling arse. For future relationships take things very slowly and look out for those red flags without your rose tinted spectacles on.

Good luck.

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/12/2018 17:58

You can do the Freedom course online OP. I've read through your thread and I'm really happy you've opened your eyes and reevaluating this relationship.

Your children are young so I think you need to focus on them and leave the relationship stuff for a few years. Good luck

WisdomOfCrowds · 30/12/2018 19:02

Twinkle you are so so good. You are SO good. Your thread should be made a sticky for future guidance on how to deal with shit like this. I wish every MN thread could end this way. Congratulations on dodging a massive bullet. Your daughters are seriously lucky to have you and you're sending them all the right messages for how to act in their own adult relationships one day.

AnotherEmma · 30/12/2018 19:39

Wow. I'm so pleased and impressed by your update. It's rare for an OP to take everything on board as readily as you have done - it sounds as if the replies have confirmed things that you already knew, or suspected, deep down.

Good luck with the next steps, I'm confident that with your plan, you will go from strength to strength 💪 Star

FestiveNut · 30/12/2018 20:38

Well done, OP. Do update, particularly if you need any more support. x

No2palmoil · 30/12/2018 21:14

You are not disturbed!!!

Do prioritise yourself and your girls from now on. Hopefully in time you can meet someone who is worthwhile but being happy for you is all that really matters in the end.

Nquartz · 30/12/2018 21:23

Evidencebased said it perfectly, well done.

StripeyDeckchair · 30/12/2018 21:33

8 months is not a long term relationship
I think you should wait until the relationship is 2years plus old, by then you will know each other better, will have gone through birthdays, anniversaries and other significant dates/events.

  • are your attitudes to money similar
  • do you plan on having children together? How many? When?
  • do you have similar views on bringing up children, discipline, traits, education
  • you would be the one moving so are you prepared to facilitate DC seeing their father regularly?
brandybutterrr · 30/12/2018 22:03

RTFT @StripeyDeckchair

cushioncuddle · 30/12/2018 23:36

You're incredible for seeing this man for what he is and not accepting it.
Keep strong.
This thread is so powerful. You are so powerful.

vuripadexo · 31/12/2018 01:33

Your update is so reassuring. you are amazing! Your daughters are lucky to have you putting them first!

Whatevszz · 31/12/2018 09:56

Go you Flowers I'm sure this will be a turning point for you xxx

milkandpancakes · 31/12/2018 11:22

Oh thank goodness. Well done OP!!