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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wrong to consider divorce?

168 replies

fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 11:37

Not done this before and dont want to bore everybody with a wordy post - so I thought Id use bullet points to get my story across:

I have been married for 14 years and have three lovely children

I have never felt fulfilled with my relationship with my husband

I feel uncomfortable with him physically - and always have done - no hand holding or arms round shoulders in our house

Sex has been intermittent and invariably after a bottle or two of wine

I have always picked fault in my husband and found reasons to criticise, and this has had an impact on my kids and how they view relationships

I had an affair, which made me realise thet I actually do like physical interaction very much with the right person, and with a good mental connection and closeness, which has been lacking with my husband

I married aged 20 while pregnant with my first child to my first real boyfriend who I had never lived with, and our two year courtship was conducted long distance while I was away at University

Tell me - am I wrong to be considering divorce? I am happy to be on my own, and have been told I am a totally different person without my husband around - more relaxed and calm etc...

There is way more to all this, obviously, but this is my problem in a nutshell. Please help me as I dont know what to do

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 11:44

You don't say whether or not you love your DH or like him even.

But i don't think you are wrong to consider divorce. Not if you think you will be happier and more fulfilled living as a single parent.
Sometimes, it can be more lonely livng with someone than living without them.

Gig · 27/06/2007 11:46

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do- but what I would suggest is that you book a session with a relationship counsellor to explore your feelings in an impartial setting.
see www.bacp.co.uk (British Assocation for counselling and Psychotherapy) The trouble with forums is that everyone has their own agenda and what suits them, or their friends!

You are obviously very unhappy, but 14 years is a long time to be married if it has always been like this.

There is plenty in what you have said to imply that you HAVE made a mistake in marrying at 20, but then that's not always the recipe for unhappiness.

I hope you find the answer and good luck.

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2007 11:49

What does DH feel about it all?

snowleopard · 27/06/2007 11:51

Is he happy? If you're both unfulfilled, you could both have a lot to gain. Even if it's just you, I don't think you're wrong to consoder it, but I would try initiating an honest conversation with him to get things out in the open.

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 11:56

Thankyou so much for your responses!

I do not love him, harsh as it mat sound. He is a really nice guy, and tries his best, but we do not communicate on the same wavelength. Sometimes he hardly speaks at all and he is happy with that, but I am not. I would love him as a friend but I do not see us having that intimate relationship that I believe a marriage should be.

We have started going to Relate and had 2 sessions. That has brought home to me the lack of feeling in me for him, as he cried and said he still loved me, and I just felt nothing - which I found very strange indeed.

What I dont want is my kids growing up thinking this kind of relationship is normal. I would rather they saw a respectful and loving partnership, not one where the wife moans and nags at the husband because she is frustrated.

My husband does not want a divorce at all, and I get the feeling he will be ostructive, which is no good for anyone. He says he believes in me - whatever that means - and thinks I can love him. I cant overlook my frustrations and bury me feelings

Oh what a mess

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 11:59

Everything is out in the open - we have had all the honesty there can be. That has hurt us both. He does not want to lose contact with the kids, and I completely understand that. But the situation is so difficult, I need serious space. I wont stop him seeing the kids as often as practicable, but I do want space to be me

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 27/06/2007 11:59

From a man's point of view, I can't help thinking that if you've been like this for 14 years you should have said something before.

Your happiness is all well and good but it's clearly going to hurt your dh and kids massively.

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 12:04

I agree with what u say that I should have said something before, but it is awful to say it, but the affair made me realise what was lacking. I had thought that I just wasnt a touchy feely kind of person. Lots has changed for me in the last 6 years - my mum died too young, I have come out of the blur of having small children (only one of which was planned) and I have grown so much in confidence

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 27/06/2007 12:05

fedup - you should probably carry on with Relate for a while - I think it's a good idea, IF you want out of a relationship, that you've both worked through it.

It sounds as if your DH isn't really prepared to do the work yet - he's only at the sad and tearful stage. Give him a little time and maybe some therapy on his own would help?

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2007 12:05

That's good, for you. It's not dh's fault, though is it?

Is DH abusive towards you at all? I'm trying to see the justification, that's all.

Anna8888 · 27/06/2007 12:07

HappyDaddy - relationship breakdowns don't have to be anyone's particular fault.

And if you aren't in love, you aren't in love...

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 12:10

Happydaddy - I know what you are saying and it is not his fault. But I dont feel we bring out the best in each other - in fact more often than not it is the worst. The kids are seeing all this and I see it reflected in their relationships with each other and at school. I am just so fed up with being responsible for every body as it sometimes seems my husband asks me for verification b4 he does anything. I think it would do him wonders to manage on his own/and with the kids on a trial separation basis. He would then grw in confidence himself and become more capable. I just would love it if he went out and found someone he loved and who loved him back.

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 12:12

Anna8888 - he is sad and tearful but he wants to work at it. I cant see the point because I see myself as his friend not a good wife

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 12:15

Do you have any feelings left for him at all?

Do you think that given time and lots of effort that you could be happy with him or, do you just want out of the marriage. Final!

It's just that sometimes, i think we can focus on the negative a little bit too much, if you could turn that focus onto more positve things then maybe you can turn this around, if you want to that is.

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 12:18

Snow leopard - he said a few moths ago that he considers himself to be happy, but he has since thought about it and realised that there are things he would like to change. Problem is - he loves me. I know how he feels - u will tahe all kids of crap if u love someone, but it doesnt actually do u any good, self confidence wise sometimes

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 27/06/2007 12:19

Anna888, I know that and am not trying to heap any guilt or blame onto the OP. I ask because I see plenty of threads where women tell that their dh's say they don't love them and they are asked to try anything to fix it. A woman posts the same and it's fine for her to just walk away and take the kids.

For the record, I know what it's like to be divorced and not see your children all the time as you've been used to. It's shit and not something I wish anyone else to go through needlessly.

Anna8888 · 27/06/2007 12:19

fedup - the trouble is, a sad and tearful man clinging to the wreck of a relationship for dear life isn't going to get your heart beating fast.

Whereas, just perhaps, if he could get beyond feeling sad and into action, he might become more attractive to you...

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 12:21

TimeForMe

I am so sorry to say that I do not have any feelings left but a friendship. I care, but I do not love him. In my discussions with him and with friends, I have been amazed by my own lack of emotional response when talikng about all this. The only time I get worked up is when talking about the kids. Otherwise I just feel sorry that this is how I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 12:23

Anna

His idea of action is to try to become what he thinks I want. And i'm sorry to say that is not working either. He never really did set my world on fire. He was never in my every thought. I never wanted him with all my being

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 12:23

I agree with Happydaddy. I also see posts where the women are unhappy but expect the DH to walk away, leave the home, the kids, the lot!

I think your DH leaning on you, asking for verification before he does anything, is his way of getting 'love' from you, your approval. He is turning into a 'needy' man because he knows he is losing you. And he doesn't want to.

Anna8888 · 27/06/2007 12:24

fedup - so basically you are saying you were never in love...

Yup, you probably should divorce

mylittlestar · 27/06/2007 12:25

Agree with HappyDaddy on this.

I am in the position that your husband is in now. Also after 14 years. And I too feel that my OH should have said something way before now, or at least stuck around for the counselling and tried to work through the issues before giving it all up.

Not saying that you cannot fall out of love with someone. Relationships end. That's life.

But for your husband's sake I would only consider divorce and actually walk away once you know in your heart you've tried everything you can to fix this. Can you at least give the counselling, and your DH, a chance?
If you can say that you gave it your best shot, at least you can walk away knowing you had no other choice.

Wisteria · 27/06/2007 12:27

This rings so many bells i feel like I'm in a church tower - I got divorced last week but we separated 7yrs ago after being married for 7yrs. It is horrid to feel like that and I understand why you want to get out.

What you describe sounds very like what I went through and all I can say to you is that I wished I'd gone to some counselling first.

I am in a new relationship now and although most things are better, he is more sociable etc I do feel like a pattern is repeating itself, the sex is going, we hardly talk etc. Am beginning to feel the problem is mine tbh but am sorting it out. Thing is had I realised that before I would still have been with the father of my girls and life would have been easier for them, counselling at the time for both of us may have helped.

If your dh still loves you, he may need help in expressing it and counselling may help you make sure that you are doing the right thing

TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 12:28

This is a really sad situation fedupwithironing and i am so sorry you are going through all this.
It must be really difficult for you and i suspect that both you and your DH have some difficult times ahead if you are going to separate.

I think you are being very fair in that you are admitting it is how you feel and you are not putting the blame on your DH. If you can contnue with the fairness throughout any separation then quite honestly, i think that is the best thing you can do.

Meanwhile, are there things you can do for yourself, to make yourself feel better, whilst living with DH. To take the focus off the relationship.
You do have a good basis for keeping communication open with DH as you are still good friends

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 12:28

Happydaddy and TimeForMe - i know what you are both saying. But I have suggested we beg for money from family to allow us the funds to get a house round the corner and leave the kids free to see either of us whenever. I would not mind if he came to read a bedtime story or whatever. It is the fact that I have been the SAHM for 13 years, and next to him I have very little earning potential.

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