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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wrong to consider divorce?

168 replies

fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 11:37

Not done this before and dont want to bore everybody with a wordy post - so I thought Id use bullet points to get my story across:

I have been married for 14 years and have three lovely children

I have never felt fulfilled with my relationship with my husband

I feel uncomfortable with him physically - and always have done - no hand holding or arms round shoulders in our house

Sex has been intermittent and invariably after a bottle or two of wine

I have always picked fault in my husband and found reasons to criticise, and this has had an impact on my kids and how they view relationships

I had an affair, which made me realise thet I actually do like physical interaction very much with the right person, and with a good mental connection and closeness, which has been lacking with my husband

I married aged 20 while pregnant with my first child to my first real boyfriend who I had never lived with, and our two year courtship was conducted long distance while I was away at University

Tell me - am I wrong to be considering divorce? I am happy to be on my own, and have been told I am a totally different person without my husband around - more relaxed and calm etc...

There is way more to all this, obviously, but this is my problem in a nutshell. Please help me as I dont know what to do

OP posts:
Wisteria · 27/06/2007 13:03

Yes Fedup, I really understand that but are you convinced that that is the fault of the marriage and not actually something within you?
I realise I am sounding hypocritical but it's taken me a long time to accept that the fault may have actually been mine.

I wish I had had some proper counselling before splitting (not RELATE) just individual person centred kind of stuff.

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 13:03

My oldest is 13 and he is really lovely right now - although he went through a bad phase between the ages of 2.5 and 12!! Discipline always comes down to me anyway. Husband hardly communicates with oldest, and oldest is rapidly losing respect for him which i realllllllly hate to see and am doing my best to prevent

OP posts:
Wisteria · 27/06/2007 13:04

Tough then...

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 13:05

wisteria - i believe the problem is the connection between me and my H. I have always said if there is a way to misunderstand me, he will. we do not connect, emotionally and physically.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 13:06

But will you still feel like that when you've been on your own for 3 months,say?

There are no guarantee's that your focus is not going to switch onto something else. You will still be the same person, doing the same things. Why would him leaving make you a better mother or a better person? Why can't you become that person now? Your DH doesn't make you
the mother or the person that you are. Its your reaction and your feeling towards DH that make you feel like that. So, maybe you could make an effort to change those feelings?

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 13:08

the problem is our communication. i have given up trying because when u bang ur head for long enough it begins to get painful

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 13:08

Wisteria, i have to say i really admire you for coming on here and admitting all this. It's totally refreshing and so true!

Wisteria · 27/06/2007 13:10

I'm feeling a bit like that with my DP at the moment but this time I know it's me. I have a chronic pain condition which makes me more snappy anyway - they do say that you always take your frustrations out on the one you love the most.

We do still connect well but it's quite sporadic and the rest of the time it's a bit crap tbh but I am going to keep going because I recognise it for what it is now.

You sound like you've been going through this for much longer than I put up with it (obviously far less selfish than me) so only you can decide what is right for you. As someone else said tho' the grass is not always greener. Although I am settled now I had 2 relationships from hell inbetween and although the sex was great they were not healthy relationships.

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 13:10

I have suggested a trial separation to find out whether i will still feel like that after those three months or whether I am wrong, and the relate counsellor thought it could be useful to take the heat off for a while

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 27/06/2007 13:10

Leaving and divorcing may ultimately be your only option.

But I think this was an excellent post and you should as yourself these questions...

TimeForMe on Wed 27-Jun-07 13:06:01

There are no guarantee's that your focus is not going to switch onto something else. You will still be the same person, doing the same things. Why would him leaving make you a better mother or a better person? Why can't you become that person now? Your DH doesn't make you the mother or the person that you are.

Wisteria · 27/06/2007 13:11

Thank you TfM
I think I'm being a bit daft - if anyone reads it I'm buggered!

TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 13:14

You can take the heat off without separating. If your main concern is for the children then i don't think a trial separation is the answer, that would be so confusing for them, not to mention the pain it would cause them.

I think you would do better by making an effort with DH, having fun, communicating in ways other than verbal. Do something different, not just for him but for the family. Bring some life back into the house. Instead of sitting thinkin about all the negative stuff try thinking about ways you can bring a little sunshine in. Not because you want to stay with DH but because you want to be happy!

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 13:16

you are right, he does not make me respond they way i do - i know it is my choice to behave as i do. But i have run out of patience and everything seems to bother me now. i have tried to bite my tongue and i have tried to stay calm, but what i have had to do recently is to take myself away from him which means i spend less time with my kids when he is here.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 13:16

You are not being daft at all Wisteria! I would like to see you on every one of these threads

Wisteria · 27/06/2007 13:18

I took my DH away for a weekend in Paris a year before we split in an effort to try and 'wake things up'; we had a lovely time as we used to live there together and we remembered (or rather he did) what it used to be like. I tried to get him to understand why I needed more stimulation don't just mean sex, talking conversation etc.

He tried for a few months but it just wasn't in him, looking back, with good counselling we may have been able to save it

God I'm bawling now...........

Wisteria · 27/06/2007 13:19

I'm buggered if DP reads it though!!!

TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 13:20

That is because you have made your DH the focus of your unhappiness. You have sat, thought and pondered and the only feasable thing you can come up with for feeling so unhappy is DH. You blame marrying young, having children young etc.

Well, DH is not making you unhappy. The way you feel is. It isn't your DH responsibility to make you happy, it's yours.

Do you think you could be suffering from depression a little?

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 13:21

We tried to go away together too, but there isn't that spark. I have said I like more stimulation as you have said, and as you said, it just isnt him. It is not his way to chat and if he tries it seems so forced

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 13:22

If he reads this Wisteria he should feel so proud of you and honoured that you love him enough to recognise that you too have a responsibilty to work on the relationship. xx

Wisteria · 27/06/2007 13:22

Still agree with TfM, wish I'd known about this forum in 1999 - or even that I hadn't been so arrogant to think I had all the answers.

It really does sound like low self esteem and depression - we love to make excuses for our own weaknesses don't we!

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 13:22

TimeForMe - I had not considered that I might be suffering from depression...

OP posts:
NKF · 27/06/2007 13:23

Wisteria - your posts have been very interesting and moving. I wonder how many people separate and realise that some of the problems came with them.

To the original poster - this thing/quality you are missing - does it have to come from him? Sometimes I think we expect too much from spouses. Intellectual stimulation, sexual fulfilment, emotional support - everything all together and it's too much to ask of anybody.

Gig · 27/06/2007 13:24

fedup....

What do you think of the idea of counselling?
All the posts here are along the line of "Well...this worked for me" and "This is what you need to do..".
It may sound harsh, but no-one here can possibly know the answers toy our problems. We are only seeing the tip of the iceberg from what you post.
I know it may be comforting you to offload and that's great, but you should get professional help, with someone trained to deal with this.
All the best with it.

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 13:25

I wondered if the thing I was missing was simply loving my partner

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 13:26

So, find your stimulation elsewhere.

He cannot help being the man he is. He cannot become a great conversationalist if he isn't meant to be one. He cannot be someone he isnt, just as you can't.

Why not join a group? An evening class maybe. Don't be so dependent on your DH for all your needs to be met. Its not fair on him and its not healthy for you.