Am I wrong to consider divorce?

[fedupwithironing]

Not done this before and dont want to bore everybody with a wordy post - so I thought Id use bullet points to get my story across:

I have been married for 14 years and have three lovely children

I have never felt fulfilled with my relationship with my husband

I feel uncomfortable with him physically - and always have done - no hand holding or arms round shoulders in our house

Sex has been intermittent and invariably after a bottle or two of wine

I have always picked fault in my husband and found reasons to criticise, and this has had an impact on my kids and how they view relationships

I had an affair, which made me realise thet I actually do like physical interaction very much with the right person, and with a good mental connection and closeness, which has been lacking with my husband

I married aged 20 while pregnant with my first child to my first real boyfriend who I had never lived with, and our two year courtship was conducted long distance while I was away at University

Tell me - am I wrong to be considering divorce? I am happy to be on my own, and have been told I am a totally different person without my husband around - more relaxed and calm etc...

There is way more to all this, obviously, but this is my problem in a nutshell. Please help me as I dont know what to do

NKF -if not loving my husband makes both of us unhappy, and he is young enough to find someone else, then am i not wasting his chance at happiness by staying with him?

Wow!! That's very insightful - MarshaBrady

I think you're all right....... sometimes it is just over because it is and other times you can regret it, it's just really a good idea to make absolutely sure first!

So what about this then... could it be possible that you had the affair in a subconscious effort to make your husband end the marriage. A sort of 'decision taken out of your hands'

Jeremy Kyle has nothing on us lot

The only thing I would add is that if you keep snapping at him, flinching from him and cheating on him, he might decide to end the marriage. Everyone has a breaking point.

Thanks Wisteria!
oh and i do agree wholeheartedly, you need to be sure before making huge decisions. It is hard though. How about a trial separation? Does that ever work? (not knowing anyone who has had one)

TimeForMe i think u could be right. I have asked myself the same. But tbh I think my behaviour throughout the marriage has been a prolonged attempt to get him to dump me, as I did not have the courage to do it myself. I do remember the night he proposed - I knew he was going to, but he thought it was a surprise, and I dreaded it as I was not ready. I thought I'd have time to assess the situation over a long engagement, then fell pregnant 3 months later, and events took over. A bad start, u may say.

Marsha - the respect thing is true, and the situation has worsened with his neediness and desperation. He needs to show some backbone - and again - that is not really his way - that is why we are where we are now

NKF - I wish he would!

Fedup - are you the type of character who hates to disappoint people so says yes to keep everyone happy?

Wisteria - yes I am

BUT - i am starting to get over it!

Next question

Are you my twin??

Me too!

Wisteria - I had kind of guessed that!! Perhaps we are long lost twins or sisters or something

I feel so sad for you

I wish we could make it better for you. You do know that we will support you whatever you decide. And none of us were trying to tell you what you should do, we were just trying to throw in different options that maybe you hadn't thought of.

I suppose it now boils down to whether or not you want to continue putting your DH's happiness before your own, just for the sake of a quiet life and not upsetting the applecart.

It's not going to be easy for you is it xx

Events in my life have made me realise you are only here once and sometimes not for very long at all. I want to make the most of it all. I need to be happy myself before I make others happy - and I apologise if that seems selfish

I remember walking up the aisle thinking why am I doing this?? Wishing that some tall forceful guy with a bit of backbone would come and sweep me off my feet!

He didn't.......

Sometimes women like us can be a bit too strong for the 'nice guy' type - but believe me you will hate the alternative!

Yes fedup - we're not here for long at all.

You're not selfish, if you were you wouldn't be pondering your decision so much.

I am sure that whatever you decide you will get through it and I have no doubt that you'll try to put your dcs and dh first; I did just to make it easier on them, was hard though. We're here to support whenever you need a moan/ mutual hug etc etc

Wisteria!! How come our lives have been so similar! It is uncanny. I may not like the alternative, but I believe I know enough about myself to know that what I need is a man of equal stubbornness!!There has to be balance in these vital characteristics. I look at the relationships around me and the ones that are lasting show that balance. Any significant imbalance makes both partners unhappy

Thats not selfish, its true, you do need to be happy in order to make others happy, just as you need to love yourself in order to give love.

I don't think you are selfish, i think you have been far from selfish. You have given your DH 14 years of your life when really you would have preferred not to.

You were weak 14 years ago so went with the flo of things, you didn't want to hurt him by refusing his proposal but now, it's come back to bite you on the bum!!! good and hard!

Let that be a lesson to us all!

Hmm - if I knew then what I know now.........
Blasted hinsight - I wish you could buy it in John Lewis or something!

that was meant to be hindsight, of course

Yes fedup but you wouldn't have your lovely dcs and also you must have had some great times in the past 14years.

I think my problem now is that all I can remember now is the good bits so I think I regret it, sometimes my rl friends pull me back to earth by reciting moments of real despair from my past! Bit like childbirth - you know you forget the pain etc

I think most of us would do things differently if we had the pleasure of hindsight

I also think there are a lot of us out there who have less than perfect relationships but we 'embrace the grey' and work with what we have.

It all depends on the individual as to whether or not they make the most of the situation they live in, for the good of all concerned, or they leave in hope of achieving Utopia.

Got to go get dd now but, i will be back to check on your progress

I have looked back through photos to try and remember how I felt years ago, and all I remember is being frustrated by my husband. The good times photos are times when he wasnt around