Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wrong to consider divorce?

168 replies

fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 11:37

Not done this before and dont want to bore everybody with a wordy post - so I thought Id use bullet points to get my story across:

I have been married for 14 years and have three lovely children

I have never felt fulfilled with my relationship with my husband

I feel uncomfortable with him physically - and always have done - no hand holding or arms round shoulders in our house

Sex has been intermittent and invariably after a bottle or two of wine

I have always picked fault in my husband and found reasons to criticise, and this has had an impact on my kids and how they view relationships

I had an affair, which made me realise thet I actually do like physical interaction very much with the right person, and with a good mental connection and closeness, which has been lacking with my husband

I married aged 20 while pregnant with my first child to my first real boyfriend who I had never lived with, and our two year courtship was conducted long distance while I was away at University

Tell me - am I wrong to be considering divorce? I am happy to be on my own, and have been told I am a totally different person without my husband around - more relaxed and calm etc...

There is way more to all this, obviously, but this is my problem in a nutshell. Please help me as I dont know what to do

OP posts:
Wisteria · 27/06/2007 15:21

Fedup I'm sad for you,shall come and check in later, please consider the counselling xx

gtg now - dreaded book fair beckons so shall return somewhat skinter - plus the fact I've been so engrossed here today that I haven't done any work!!

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 15:23

Wisteria - this parallel world gets weirder - my kids have a book fair today too.....

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 15:24

AND i did not list any stuff on eBay as I should have!!

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 15:50

I was wondering, while walking to school (sad that I am) if you have ever really been happy with DH or, if you have carried your regrets throughout this whole marriage. I just wondered if the relationship ever stood a chance really, if you spent the whole 14 years regretting saying 'yes' to him.

It's a shame. I really do feel for you

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 15:55

I do have regrets about the whole relationship. Now I feel strong and capable and resilient enough to say I cant do it anymore. The Relate counsellor said it was a testament to my strength that we had lasted so long. My kids - though still young- will cope, and both my husband and I are young enough to find new partners if we want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 15:57

Walking to school is commendable, not sad!

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 15:58

or did u mean wondering about someone elses problems was the sad bit??!!

OP posts:
Wisteria · 27/06/2007 16:04

Hello - only £4.99 today phew got away lightly!

Sounds like you have landed yourself with a decent relate counsellor! The more you say, the more desperate (and similar) it all sounds to me....

Tonight I am going to make an effort to try to put my own shit in order - you have inspired me x

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 16:07

nothing better than ordered shit! Have fun!

OP posts:
Wisteria · 27/06/2007 16:10

I'll start with all good intentions, cook a lovely meal, put some lippy on, then he'll walk through the door and say something annoying/ stupid/ irritating and that will be that!

I need some coping mechanisms to inhibit my irritation levers in the brain............. wonder if it's been invented yet?

Ah yes - I remember now, it's called Gin!

Wisteria · 27/06/2007 16:11

God - just remembered I have to get through parents eve with exdh first!

What a joy my life is!

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 16:14

Yes - I know the feeling! The Relate counsellor suggested that my irritation is only due to frustration due to my needs not being met. I think I have worked out my needs - and they do not (necessarily) include having a partner who dotes on me and will do anything for me

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 16:15

and I have all these joys yet to come.....
Let me know how the parents evening goes. At least the summer holiday is round the corner

OP posts:
Wisteria · 27/06/2007 16:17

Ah yes, that's another one - I get 2-3 lovely uninterrupted weeks with my dds and dp then they go off to their Dads and I miss them like mad for the next 2-3 weeks.....

TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 16:22

Here's a question for you Fedup... do you think you are wrong to consider divorce?

Ulysees · 27/06/2007 16:32

Fedup, I know how you feel. I told dh in December that I was leaving and our marriage was over and left to live in rented accomodation with the boys. I only felt friendship for dh. It was our lack of sex life that put the nail in the coffin, this had gone on for years and I'd tried numerous times to mend the cracks, also suggested sex therapy. Anyway, he didn't have a problem without sex so didn't feel the need to go for help.
I'm so happy to be away from there. ex sees the kids much more than before, he finishes work early some days and picks them up from school. I now have a bf and they even commented once that "I wasn't like this with daddy" They can't believe how much fun I have now and it's rubbed off on them.
I feel nothing for dh except fondness as he's the father of my children. I care but don't love him. I'd love him to meet someone and wouldn't feel an ounce of jealousy, just as long as she liked my boys
I hope you both come to a decision.

Ulysees · 27/06/2007 16:33

Oh I'm seeing the divorce lawyer tomorrow as ex hasn't started proceedings so I'll have to. Not the answer for everyone but I need to move on.

Wisteria · 27/06/2007 16:57

Ulysses - your split sounds fairly amicable, as far as they can be - have you considered doing the divorce yourself? If you already agree on finances and child custody issues it is quite straightforward.

No point lining a divorce lawyers pockets unless you have to IMHO!

Ulysees · 27/06/2007 17:04

thanks wisteria, I'm on benefits so would get legal aid. I just started a thread about my appointment tommorow and am really the lawyer just rang and said I can't go there as there's a conflict. Only conflict is ex knows the senior partner, I refused to see him as he knows ex, so he's seen his arse and told the out of town lawyer I can't see her! Ex is criminal lawyer btw. He'll know solicitors in every firm in fecking town so what am I supposed to do?

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 17:04

TimeForMe - no, I think I am right, but I do worry for my boys.
Ulysees - how is ur ex coping? if u dont mind me asking

OP posts:
Ulysees · 27/06/2007 17:05

Oh and the out of town one was coming to my town for appointment. I can't believe it, just started thread and the phone rang. It's such short notice too, my app. was 10.30 tomorrow.

Ulysees · 27/06/2007 17:08

He's coping really well. He's not as clean and tidy but he was always that way if I didn't watch him. I still cut his hair and bought him a new suit the other day (got money back though) as his was rank. It was only a cheap one but looked better than a filthy one. So really I'm still looking after him in one way but can't help it. Whether he'll be as friendly once I FIND a lawyer we'll see. Just have to get one first!!!

TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 17:08

Well I would say that you have to do whats right for you

I would hate to think that any of our opinions had confused your feelings or made you feel guilty for how you are feeling etc.

Maybe now, after 14 years, you have just come to the end of the line and have nothing left to give.

I think your boys will be fine. I don't think it matters what we try to do as parents these days, the likes of Jeremy Kyle are always there to castigate us. We are damned if we do and damned if we don't xx

Ulysees · 27/06/2007 17:11

fedup how old are your boys? Mine are 6 and 9 and we've been moved almost 4 months though feels like much longer. They were unsure for first few weeks but soon got into the routine. Children adapt much better than you think especially if you're both mature and put them first which I'm sure you will.

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 17:12

13, 11 and nearly 8

OP posts: