Am I wrong to consider divorce?

[fedupwithironing]

Not done this before and dont want to bore everybody with a wordy post - so I thought Id use bullet points to get my story across:

I have been married for 14 years and have three lovely children

I have never felt fulfilled with my relationship with my husband

I feel uncomfortable with him physically - and always have done - no hand holding or arms round shoulders in our house

Sex has been intermittent and invariably after a bottle or two of wine

I have always picked fault in my husband and found reasons to criticise, and this has had an impact on my kids and how they view relationships

I had an affair, which made me realise thet I actually do like physical interaction very much with the right person, and with a good mental connection and closeness, which has been lacking with my husband

I married aged 20 while pregnant with my first child to my first real boyfriend who I had never lived with, and our two year courtship was conducted long distance while I was away at University

Tell me - am I wrong to be considering divorce? I am happy to be on my own, and have been told I am a totally different person without my husband around - more relaxed and calm etc...

There is way more to all this, obviously, but this is my problem in a nutshell. Please help me as I dont know what to do

Fedup just started reading this thread and you could be me.. I feel exactly like you do about my husband (nice guy, decent dad, but no connection, looking back, not a lot even in the early days,...)... I have been having an affair for over a year now, and although I know it is wrong, and I would not do it again, or 'recommend' it, it has made me realize a lot about myself (the fact that I am a lot more of a physical being than I thought I was) and about what I want from a relationship... Anyway, to cut a long story short, my dh and I are getting divorced, fairly amicably, which is a good thing as we've got 2 kids, and I will be moving in with my new partner in the next month or so.

One of the questions you could ask yourself in trying to work out whether or not you should stay or go, and whether there is a future for you and your husband, is whether your relationship with your husband was ever (for most of us, that means, at the very beginning) really good... The point is, you can't 'rekindle' something that has never really been there, it can never get better than the way it was in the first couple of months/years of when you were together... For me, I realised the first few years were relatively good, but looking back now, I can see there was a lot missing already back then, it was just that I was a very different person back then and it did not bother me as much... So knowing that, I would or could not go back to what it was like at the beginning, when the relationship was probably at its 'best'... so that sort of helped me make my decision....

Ulysses - that's awful for you, no suggestions whatsoever but good luck and I will be thinking of you xx

I divorced my first husband myself. I got all the papers from the court along with the help leaflets.

I was on benefit at the time so i think ionly paid about £5 in total and that was at the time of swearing on the oath. It was really easy and hassle free and only took 6 weeks from start to finish.

Could that be an option for you Ulysees?

That does sound easy, I'll look into it thank you.

TrueBlue
It was never that great. He thinks we could make it better than ever. We had a rocky patch 7 years ago and he said he had thought we would split then, but working on it has not fixed it. It is destructive imo

Ulysses - have you spoken to your ex about whether a lawyer is really necessary? It will be costing him too although I guess he may be calling in favours!
Going through a lawyer can make things antagonistic when before they were amicable, as they are always working for the best financial situ for you as opposed to thinking about how things affect dcs and life going forward. In an ideal world we'd never have to have contact with XPs again but when you have dcs this is impossible. Obviously this is not always the case but withthe friends I've had who used lawyers things got ugly when they were ok before.
Fedup - your story just gets sadder; if you have been unhappy for this long and have both tried to fix things then it may well be time to call it a day, time waits for no man - isn't that the saying?

Take care sweetie x

I think that if you don't use a lawyer then the agreement isn't legally binding. And that doesn't matter if you are totally self supporting but if you need him to pay maintenance then there could be problems down the line.

Hope you sort something soon fedup as I know how it feels, it's not good

Didn't know that NKF?

I've never heard that before NKF! Not disputing you at all as your knowledge may well be much better than mine but I was under the impression (and took advice at the time) that they are the same forms just without the 'battle' which precedes it IYKWIM.
I was told to only use a lawyer/ solicitor

a) if you can't agree on childcare issues

b) if you are unsure what you are entitled to financially and need advice & help reaching agreement/ this side of it is sometimes much easier through a third party.

c) if the relationship has broken down to such a degree that you can't discuss it or come to an agreement or other similar issues

The forms seem pretty legal to me especially regarding childcare and maintenance - you have to sign to say you'll agree to do what you've written, and it's witnessed so seemed legal.

Wisteria - don't worry about disputing my knowledge! You've taken advice so you are much more likely to be right.

NFK forgive me if ive read this wrong but, do you mean the divorce isn't legally binding?
Everything was legally binding, all the arrangements, the agreements, the maintenance, everything. Iv never had any problems and i'm 12 years down the line.
Its all legal, just no solicitor. Or costs!!

Apologies if I have misunderstood

Phew!

You had me worried there, not for me particularly as it's all been smooth for years - I am pretty sure it's as legally binding as it would be with a solicitor. The same forms, same court, same judgement etc etc.

We also handled a load of complicated probate recently (without a lawyer) btw. It can be done and there's plenty of advice sheets out there and free help!

It is Wisteria, it's exactly the same. It is totally legally binding.

It was such a pleasnat experience in fact that it hasn't put me off divorce in the slightest, I'm off marriage but not divorce

I think sometimes solicitors can make things worse (sorry to any solicitors out there) but they can often turn what would have been an amicable split into a very acrimonious one, what with all that talk about who gets most money, searching for hidden bank accounts etc, not to mention all that legal jargon that even the most well read person finds impossible to understand!

Whereas i just dealt with the court officials and they were lovely, helpful and friendly

Are you ok today Fedup? - hope you're not ironing!!

TimeforMe - no, I didn't mean the divorce. I thought that things like maintenance payments and access needed to be rubber stamped by courts if you ever needed them reinforced. But it sounds as if I'm totally wrong. So sorry.

Hi Wisteria - no, no chance I'd be ironing! I am good today thanks. How was your parents' eve with exdh?

Glad you are ok m'dear - parent's evening was wonderful, she's an angel who's top of her class in Maths and pretty near the top in everything else

Exdh got stuck on M1 so didn't make it
[smug emoticon]

Hi OP - Im in the same boat as you were all those years ago. How did it pan out in the end? Any advice?