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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wrong to consider divorce?

168 replies

fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 11:37

Not done this before and dont want to bore everybody with a wordy post - so I thought Id use bullet points to get my story across:

I have been married for 14 years and have three lovely children

I have never felt fulfilled with my relationship with my husband

I feel uncomfortable with him physically - and always have done - no hand holding or arms round shoulders in our house

Sex has been intermittent and invariably after a bottle or two of wine

I have always picked fault in my husband and found reasons to criticise, and this has had an impact on my kids and how they view relationships

I had an affair, which made me realise thet I actually do like physical interaction very much with the right person, and with a good mental connection and closeness, which has been lacking with my husband

I married aged 20 while pregnant with my first child to my first real boyfriend who I had never lived with, and our two year courtship was conducted long distance while I was away at University

Tell me - am I wrong to be considering divorce? I am happy to be on my own, and have been told I am a totally different person without my husband around - more relaxed and calm etc...

There is way more to all this, obviously, but this is my problem in a nutshell. Please help me as I dont know what to do

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 27/06/2007 12:31

I do feel for your sadness, although I don't agree with your affair. Just be prepared for DH to be devastated, even if he's expecting it and it's all amicable.

The realisation may turn him into a very angry person for a while.

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 12:32

He knows about the affair. He is understandably very hurt for which I am very sorry

OP posts:
ellis65 · 27/06/2007 12:33

I think you should at least try everything on offer to save your marriage, but i agree that once all avenues have been explored and there is no way out, then you have to call it a day

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 12:36

The physical side wont ever be right with him - I am certain of that. I simply dont feel we r compatible. Sometimes I flinch when he touches me. Very often I am simply frustrated by his touch. For years I have avoided intimacy at all. I get irritated by the smallest thing. I dont believe he has ever seen me naked because I do not feel comfortable around him.

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 27/06/2007 12:37

Sorry, I meant be prepared for him to be hurt when the divorce is going through. Seeing it in black and white will make him realise it's all happening.

mylittlestar · 27/06/2007 12:38

Wisteria's post is excellent.

TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 12:38

I do think that if you are insisting on leaving, if it is you who wants it then, you should take responsibility and make plans for yourself. Don't expect anything of DH. If he wants to and is willing to help you then all well and good but this is going to be one of those times where you put your money where your mouth is.
He will have an obligation to the children but I don't think you should expect anymore of him than that.

This is sad but, realtionships do 'just end'. Pain and heartache is unavoidable, someone is bound to get hurt but, with a bit of luck, you will come out smiling at th end of it all. It would be really nice if you and your DH were still friends too

TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 12:39

Wisterias post is excellent and it just shows that separation is not a solution. It doesn't actually solve anything, it just defers it for a while

TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 12:41

He must love you very much to have tolerated all you are sharing with us about your relationship. A very patient man.

Wisteria · 27/06/2007 12:43

Fedup (I really should have name changed for this) - I went through that (flinching etc, not wanting any physical contact) with DH1 and it's beginning again with DP, didn't happen to me in shorter more 'exciting' relationships but I feel it has far more to do with my own issues instead of the men being wrong IYSWIM.

I am going to battle it out this time but one thing I am proud of is the fact that my exDH and I have never ever had a problem with the children - he has them 50% of the week and we share everything hols etc. We also meet up to discuss the dcs whenever we feel necessary. This is paramount especially when you reach the teenage years.

I have no idea now whether I made the right decision or not but I made it and I love my DP so am sticking with it, but I know it is far harder to reconcile yourself to what you have done if you have not been 'badly' treated in years to come. So please please explore every avenue before making irreversible decisions.

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 12:43

A very patient man yes. And he deserves to find someone who loves him back with all their heart

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 12:44

This is just a thought but, do you think if you got yourself a job, got some interests of your own, other than being a wife and mother, do you think that would help?

It may take the focus off the relationship, give you something to talk about, to share with your DH. Maybe you are just bored with the whole 'marriage' thing. Maybe it's time to invest some time in yourself. Before you make any rash decisions about divorce

mylittlestar · 27/06/2007 12:44

Sadly is does sound like there is nothing that can be said or done to change your feelings on this. If you flinch at him touching you then there really doesn't sound like there is much hope.

What I would say though is don't expect anything of him. Being friends would be nice, of course, for you.

Remember that he will be hurt, angry, upset, and will have lost his wife and family. A house round the corner, seeing the family he loves every day but knowing he can't be with you full time - and expecting him to be happy with that and be your friend?... sadly I think that is too much to ask of anyone.
(especially in the early days. who knows what may happen over time.)

Please remember that this is not his choice and you are taking away any influence he has over this decision if you make it alone and before the couselling.

You may both be happy in the end. But don't expect too much from someone who is about to have his world torn apart.

I wish you both the best of luck.

TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 12:46

(lovely post MLS you have come along way too, in such a short time!)

Wisteria · 27/06/2007 12:49

My exDH and I only live 5mins away and I really wouldn't recommend it tbh, it was better when I was a car ride away. You tend to see them every day and when you are having a bad day it doesn't help.

Don't forget that your DH does obviously love you and if he is anything like mine (which it does sound like he is) he is going to hate seeing you and his dcs with another man. He may never find someone else. My girls Dad says he doesn't ever want to be hurt again - I feel tremendously guilty at the pain I have caused him and would hate you to go through that as it is horrid.

Still waters run deep...

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 12:50

TimeForMe

Yes you are right. And I am working selling stuff on eBay for friends. I also keep very busy with voulntary work at the kids school. I have an active social life, and I do try to talk to him and share it with him. He does not have anything outside the family, and brings nothing into these discussions. That is part of the difficulty I think

OP posts:
Idreamofdaleks · 27/06/2007 12:51

Are there any plus points about NOT getting divorced - make a list!

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 12:53

Wisteria - I am sorry for all your pain. I hope your girls are coping

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 12:55

Idreamofdaleks - yes there are plus points

  1. Financial reasons
  2. not sure of number 2 actually

and I am really not trying to be flippant

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 12:55

I agree. Oh my heart has just done a little leap! I think there may be hope

You two need a good shakeup! You have got stuck in a rut. You have settled into a bit of a mundane life and you are looking for reasons for why you feel as low and unfulfilled as you do. Yes, it may be the marriage, it may be he fact you married young but, i do suspect that there are other reasons too.
I honestly don't think separating from your DH is going to change things though. I think you need to look within yourself for solutions first. (sorry if that sounds harsh)

Wisteria · 27/06/2007 12:56

Good point - we've only given you the bad side....

The freedom is wonderful

I am happier with DP than I was with DH on the whole - he talks to me!

The children have never heard us row

I was instantly a better Mum after I left as I was no longer frustrated and angry

The girls have a far better relationship with their Dad than they would have done because he spends so much time with them on his own; this would never have happened if I'd stayed because he'd have stayed at work til all hours.

So yes, there are good sides to it, I was just trying to point out what a huge decision it is and it has far reaching effects into the future.

TimeForMe · 27/06/2007 12:58

plus points - let me help you

You have a man who loves you

He is patient,tolerant and kind

He forgave your affair

He supports you financially

Good father

the grass is not always greener on the other side

Wisteria · 27/06/2007 12:59

I agree with Time for Me

Thank you 'fedup', I'm not in that much pain; but it preys on your mind and I wanted you to know it before you do anything.

Original poster
fedupwithironing · 27/06/2007 13:00

But I am hearing Wisteria - the bit about instantly being a better mother. I am that better mother when he is not around. And I am a happier more relaxed person when he's not around. And I am angry and frustrated most of the time when he is.

OP posts:
Wisteria · 27/06/2007 13:01

Discipline is easier if you stay together; you're more likely to back each other up - especially with teenagers (AAAAGH)