Am I wrong to consider divorce?

[fedupwithironing]

Not done this before and dont want to bore everybody with a wordy post - so I thought Id use bullet points to get my story across:

I have been married for 14 years and have three lovely children

I have never felt fulfilled with my relationship with my husband

I feel uncomfortable with him physically - and always have done - no hand holding or arms round shoulders in our house

Sex has been intermittent and invariably after a bottle or two of wine

I have always picked fault in my husband and found reasons to criticise, and this has had an impact on my kids and how they view relationships

I had an affair, which made me realise thet I actually do like physical interaction very much with the right person, and with a good mental connection and closeness, which has been lacking with my husband

I married aged 20 while pregnant with my first child to my first real boyfriend who I had never lived with, and our two year courtship was conducted long distance while I was away at University

Tell me - am I wrong to be considering divorce? I am happy to be on my own, and have been told I am a totally different person without my husband around - more relaxed and calm etc...

There is way more to all this, obviously, but this is my problem in a nutshell. Please help me as I dont know what to do

Thanks to you all

Gig - we have all been suggesting counselling as well and are very aware that however similar the situations may appear; they won't be, no 2 situations ever are.

Sometimes it's just reassuring to hear that you're not on your own and it's not just you that feels things; don't you agree?

I think the thing you are missing is loving yourself!

I think you are feeling lost at the moment. Unhappy with yourself and you are looking for ways that you feel will make you happy. You feel unloved by your DH and that in turn make syou feel unhappy so you think getting out of the marriage will solve that.

I don't think that is the immediate answer to your problems. I think if and when you start to feel better about yourself you will feel better about DH.

Do you actually feel sexy and loveable? Attractive and desirable? Interesting?

TimeForMe

I feel sexier and more confident than I have for years. I know I am witty and intelligent. I am a very desirable being. I dont think my self esteem is the issue

NKF - thank you. On the other side of the coin though; my Mum went to her grave in an unhappy marriage wishing she'd left when she had the chance and I think this is what prompted me. I didn't want my dcs to grow up thinking that it was normal to never see your parents kiss and touch etc (as I did).
While it is unreasonable to expect to be happy 24/7 it is not unreasonable to expect that your DH should try to make things work as well.

Fedup - if he takes on board what you say and is prepared to try to save the marriage then it might be worth giving it a go (as long as he does try to and is not just paying it lipservice), however if it doesn't work out then I wish you all the very very best and hope you and yours come out the other side unscathed.

I especially hope you find happiness as life is really too short to be unhappy

Thats a good point, maybe now you feel sexier and more confident than you have for years, you feel you have outgrown DH (is this all getting too deep - i'm feeling like Trisha )

I'm glad you feel your self esteem isn't an issue, thats good.
I think you are bored, unfulfilled and feel you have a lot more to offer. You feel like a sexy, desirable woman but you are not being treated or recognised as one. You may feel that you have outgrown your situation. I also guess that you feel unappreciated.

I think Wisteria's idea of counselling, not of the marriage kind but the one to one counselling, is a really good idea. It might help you to work a few things out about yourself and it might help you to decide if you really do want to leave your marriage or if you want to change things.

Oh and fedup - let us know how you go on? More than happy for you to contact me if you need support whether on here or off.

You guys are very wise. Thanks for your advice. I will do my best

Bless you. I wish you all the best and I hope you find whatever makes you happy. Please keep us posted xxx

Wisteria yes I do agree - it's just that so many of these threads get hijacked by other people talking about their own issues, which may show another side to things, but it doesn't really help. As someone trained in something similar to counselling, I know that these sort of issues cannot be resolved by an online forum- it does help to know that other people are going through the same thing, yes, but at the end of the day, people have to take steps that will help them further.

Please don't shoot me...

I think you are being unreasonable and (sorry) a tad selfish. Gosh I have felt like you have, have 4 kids, married at 18. I don't want physical intimacy after being hounded and hassled all day. I often feel sad, hate my husband etc...!

But please don't give up. You can feel better. Do things together that you like? you can start a new relationship with him, have fun, get out together...

Who said marriage was easy? We are sold the idea of a perfect life, perfect happiness and perfect love. If this is true it only lasts for a short time until real life sets in.

I don't know everything, but please don't just give up. Think if it was the other way around and he was taking the kids away from you, just because he was unhappy. If my DH did this I would brand him selfish and irresponsible.

Yes Gig - which is actually what we've all been saying !
I am halfway through counsellor training and MN is not supposed to be a counselling service but a forum for shared experiences and advice; counselling is not advice so quite different.

I think by posting on here you want to hear about other's experiences and challenges, whether that's for validation, justification or just mutual back rubbing!!

Gig - FWIW people talking about their own issues and all the different scenarios/perspectives you get on a forum like this, are what got me through the worst days after discovering my H's affair. Believe me - it does actually help.

Pretty much every thread like this people are advised to talk, get RL support, seek counselling. Of course we only know the tip of the iceberg. Virtually every post suggested counselling.

But surely the only way people can offer advice is to relate it to their own knowledge and experiences? I wouldn't call that hijacking!

x posts wisteria! totally agree!

This site has made me realise that I am quite 'normal', that I am not on my own and their are others living a life parallell to mine. In turn this realisation has made me much more content and less dependent on Jeremy Kyle

there are others

LMAO at Jezza ref

I think we should take MN on tv, give jezza some competition!

No cos then I'd have to put slap on whereas on here I can pretend to be a size 8 Diva with flowing locks which always look glossy etc etc

well, we will get a radio show then
(TFM says, sitting stuffing her face with big bag of cherries, couldn't do that on tele either!)

Fedup - can I just say that I agree sometimes it is simple i.e. you just don't love him. That seems to be hard for lots of people to accept but you sound strong and sure of yourself so if that is the case then no you are not unreasonable to divorce.

It would be better for both of you, including your DH as he could find someone that does truly love him. I was widowed 7 years ago and vowed that life was too short to spend time agonising over decisions that were actually quite clear.

Just my two pence worth

If you don't love someone should you divorce though?

Fedupwithironing I can empathise with how you feel (sometimes). I just wanted to add the idea that you have lost respect for your dh? Could it be that his forgiving your affair is having a detrimental effect on your relationship. If he were to say sod you then I'm off, or to show more strength in his position. Would that help?
Im not judging/blaming either of you but if the respect is gone, resentment is not far behind and once you resent someone you do invariably flinch when they come close.

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo - hope I got that right! I am strong u r right - others lean on me in fact. Sometimes the simple answer is the one