Horrendous night tonight

[louisejanep]

Hi ladies I’ve posted on here lots about coming out of a really emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship of 10yrs. Moved back t parents 3 weeks ago with my 3 yr old DD. He come to pick little girl up tonight and got out of the car and nearly collapsed then lost control it was horrendous to see I thought he was Havng stroke it was awful. My sister ran to rig ambulance and he was in there for about an hour with an oxygen mask on hyperventilating. He couldn’t get his breath, they said it was panic. He has hit rock bottom and gone home tonight think he’s had a breakdown over relationship . In my previous post and through earlier posts I have spoke about my guilt. I feel responsible for him. He’s gone back home and I’ve just managed to get DD off to sleep. Worried about his welfare :(

He’s sent me a lot of texts now calling me a coward. Is it really disrespectful after nearly 11 years and with a child to end things over text

It is also really disrespectful after 11 years to steal someone’s lottery win.

It’s really disrespectful to turn up and fake a panic attack to manipulate someone

It’s really disrespectful to text someone 120 times in a day

Time to get angrier OP. He KNOWS guilt is your Kryptonite. He is playing on that to manipulate you. And you are dancing like a puppet. It’s really telling that when your Mum did the right thing you were cross with her for what she said, not him that was the root of the problem.

I’ve been there. It’s a horrifying feeling when you start to break free of abuse, you feel like you are teetering on the edge of a bottomless pit and what your mum did felt like a hard shove in the back. You danced even closer to the edge. But when you fall in the pit (ie leave mentally and physically) you realise it wasn’t a scary pot of doom, but the doorway to a wonderful life where you can breathe and be yourself.

It's also disrespectful for him to ask by text!

@zwischenwasser thank you for the message. It is a horrifying feeling, I really feel like I’m ‘letting’ him down and that I’m an awful person but I know these aren’t healthy ways of thinking and I’ve been conditioned to think like this for years. And the more I step away the more I see how damaging his behaviour was. I do see light at the end of the tunnel (not for a while but I know it’s there) and for the first time in a long time I’m ‘talking’ and that is a massive weight lifted.

These forum along with my family and close friends has really been a life line, listening to those who have been through it helps me to realise that one day I will be happy again and this is only a temporary situation. Although I do think he’s going to be hard work and not the most pleasant person for a while. I tried and tried for years, he’s said I’m selfish because a relationship should be for better or worse ( we were never married) and he has just told me now that he’s going to fall in love with another girl and have a family and she’s going to love him for all his faults. And then 5mins later get a text off him saying ‘are you sure you have made the right decision?’

In an ‘ideal world’ I would like him to be happy so that there was no tension for my DD at handover, and we could co-parent successfully. And one day we may get to the stage but I think things are going to be sour and tough for a while.

You sound so strong @louisejanep even though you don't think you are. It takes a lot of guts to break out of any relationship never mind an abusive one. Just keep going, keep coming on this thread because it does help to know that many many posters have gone through the same thing. You could also be helping other women going through the same thing.

How did it go at drop off?

@GimmeBread thank you for your kind words. He hasent dropped DD off yet, still waiting. I’m unsure what to do, I could send my mum out to go and collect her from car but then things na get a little heated and there will be a lot of tension and I don’t want DD to pick up on anything. And I can imagine him thinking I’m even more of a coward by staying in the house.

Or I could go out and face him which is likely t be just as awkward. And I don’t feel strong even to face him at the moment.

Hello I have been reading your thread and my heart goes out to you what you have been through.
You will get there in the end and you are not a coward if you dont face him, please get your mum to do handover.
You have absolutely no obligation to see him face to face. You are trying to recover. Going grey rock sounds good. Remember he isnt feeling any guilt whatsoever, just immense indignity his victim has fled! Sod what he thinks...dont even read his texts. Delete. Block. You do not owe him any ANYTHING.
Big hugs

It's a tricky one and I can see why you'd feel inclined to ask your mum but if you go, you can set the tone from the outset. You don't even need to look at him, you take the little one out the car, act all cheerful for her sake "did you have a nice day with daddy sweetheart? Did you say bye bye?" thank him for dropping her off and "we'll see you next week" or whatever. Don't engage in conversation.

I was scared of my ex for a long time and I just couldn't look at him - I felt sick.

Have you got your items from the house yet? If not be prepared to have them returned to you in tatters

Hello louisejanep.
I just wanted to wish you well and commend you for your strength and bravery. You and your DD have a lovely bright future ahead of you. Stay strong.
💐💐💐💐💐💐 for you.

It is so tough. The hardest part is when DD comes back because she’s kicking and screaming for him. Then she says mummy when are you coming back home with me daddy and Rosie (the cat). I do look forward to having one night on my own as my chance to prepare for a big interview I have this coming Friday (fingers crossed) but then it’s hard work trying to settle her especially bedtime. I’m still lying next to her she’s just gone to sleep. As around 6pm he text to say by the way she didn’t want any tea she just wanted sweets so that’s all she’s had!!! I was livid!! So the guilt is defitnley starting to lift now I’m feeling angry

@christmasflary no I’ve still not got my clothes or any of my possessions, which I should have got first.

Clothes can be replaced though as can other possessions. That just needs money and time.

Self esteem, confidence, happiness, those are the things that are the truely important and what matter far far more.

Once they are crushed and gone, they take a long time .... for some never.... to return

@moviestar thank you i have surprised myself a lot as even though I have wanted to leave for a long time, I never thought I would find that courage. I have interview on Friday for a PhD position so that and my DD is my focus, helps to keep my mind of things.

Start keeping a diary about the contact. The timings, how DD is afterwards, the "She didn't want tea so only had sweets" messages. This could all become useful evidence later.

Have you looked into the Freedom Programme? It might help you see the real motivations for his behaviour.

And get yourself a Shit Hot Lawyer, you need to get Child Support etc sorted.

@Bekabeech yes I agree there’s no way he’s going to part with his money easy. He’s got a lot of money tied up in houses as he’s been tax dodging for a long time. A lot I don’t know about so ultimately it doesn’t look like he has much of a wage coming in. So I know he would be able to get away with paying very minimal amounts. Even though we had a lottery win together he said if we ever married he would get pre-nup so I wouldn’t be entitled to ‘his’ money. Money is a very sore subject with him. But even if I got minimal maintaince from him I would rather This than living a miserable life with him.

God you really have been done up like a kipper, OP! No comment on the money (I'd get legal advice) but regarding him - your mum is absolutely spot on. He should not be putting his (adult) emotions on your dd! Telling her he will 'miss her so much' - what is she supposed to do with that?

He should be telling her he misses her, but it will all be ok - not expecting her to comfort him and try to put it right! That was a twattish thing to do!
She is a child, not his confidant. Your mum is absolutely correct to rip him a new one - I think I'd get her to do all drop off and pick ups. I don't think he would try to do much in the way of manipulation with her doing it. And as for things 'getting heated' with your mum, I don't think he would - too much of a coward. Likes to pick his battles with vulnerable (too fricking nice) women like you, or little children!

Stay well away from him as much as you possibly can, and get others to run interference. If he gets too close to you, you know he'd use the opportunity to be all 'poor me' and guilt trip you (and dd ) .

Hmmm I wouldn't be beyond reporting him to HMRC if you think he is illegally avoiding paying tax...

The CSA used to have the departure of earnings clause if the absent parents lifestyle was beyond what their declared income could provide, not sure if CMS has the same.

Ultimately if you do near 50:50 he wouldn't be paying much in child maintenance and it will give you child free time to study and socialise. I really hope his emotional abuse of her stops otherwise you May have to force contact to go to court for her emotional well-being and need to get carcass involved.

I’m so glad you seem to have shifted things from your first post OP. Your ex is an awful abusing controlling dick.

Please put your DD’s feeling above his and stop feeling guilty or responsible for his feelings.

I would take legal advice on the finances. You may be entitled to nothing but that is seriously better than being stuck with him.

I would also really consider whether overnight stays are the best thing for your DD. Are you sure she’s safe? She is, at the very least, being emotionally manipulated.

Once an ambulance is called out they can't let you go without doing certain tests (to cover their own ass even if they bloody know you're lying). Every abuser pulls the same shit lol.

There are some similarities between your ex and mine Op - the text message about what he gave (or rather didn't) dd for tea for a reaction. Placing adult emotions onto her, being subtly manipulative. Very dishonest and sly about money. Exhausting to talk to because you are constantly blamed for every problem in the world.

You're absolutely dealing with it all well and are heading in the right direction. Wont ever be easy but you'll get stronger for definite.

Thanks all for your messages. Even though I am out of the relationship I can see this journey being a rollercoaster of him being overly nice and then being spiteful. I would like him to help out more with DD but I’m feeling uneasy about her being with him at the moment but hopefully in a few weeks everything settles down or maybe I’m being super optimistic.

Feel so lost and confused as to what I’m feeling. Seen lots of family for first time in a while last night as was my dads birthday and they were all talking about helping me out with getting things for new house for me and DD. I didn’t want to talk felt overwhelmed with sadness then just broke down all last night and this morning before work. Feel like even though I couldn’t imagine being with him and things have been bitter and nasty feel like I am grieving for the relationship.

Of course you are grieving for what could/should have been, be kind to yourself

Just wanted to come back to this feed to update all on progress. I have been left nearly 7 weeks now and feeling positive (with a few down days in between). I want to thank all of you lovely MN’s for giving me the courage and strength to focus on myself and my DD. Still living at mum and dads but DD is a lot more settled now. She gets upset and cries for daddy when she sees him. I’ve surprised myself a lot as I never ever thought I had the strength in me to leave. Hopefully as time passes I will get even stronger, I do feel lost at times but keep reminding myself not to think too far into the future to just take baby steps any step forward is an improvement. I hope I can helps others and offer advice to anybody else going through the same thing.

@louisjanep I just wanted to say thank you for coming back and updating us. I know you said you still have down days, but my God, look how far you've come!!!! You're doing so well.

Just keep taking those baby steps... your daughter will thank you for this in years to come.