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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Horrendous night tonight

229 replies

louisejanep · 26/12/2018 22:44

Hi ladies I’ve posted on here lots about coming out of a really emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship of 10yrs. Moved back t parents 3 weeks ago with my 3 yr old DD. He come to pick little girl up tonight and got out of the car and nearly collapsed then lost control it was horrendous to see I thought he was Havng stroke it was awful. My sister ran to rig ambulance and he was in there for about an hour with an oxygen mask on hyperventilating. He couldn’t get his breath, they said it was panic. He has hit rock bottom and gone home tonight think he’s had a breakdown over relationship . In my previous post and through earlier posts I have spoke about my guilt. I feel responsible for him. He’s gone back home and I’ve just managed to get DD off to sleep. Worried about his welfare :(

OP posts:

Original poster

louisejanep · 27/12/2018 00:12

@alvinp did you feel guilty and responsible at first? Did she eventually just stop ? Sounds like it went on for quite a while?

OP posts:

Zucker · 27/12/2018 00:13

Odd though that he was well able to drive to you and home after the episode with no problems.

SparklyMagpie · 27/12/2018 01:11

He's done a right number on you hasn't he

I don't buy any of that shit he's pulled tonight

Hen2018 · 27/12/2018 01:13

If he has/had a virus and hadn’t eaten and decided he didn’t want to see his daughter - why didn’t he just ring you to tell you?

Because he wanted to create drama!

AnyFucker · 27/12/2018 01:16

Carry on like this and it's only a matter of time before you are back together again. Then you will pay.

user764329056 · 27/12/2018 01:20

He’s playing the victim OP

Dallasty · 27/12/2018 01:24

Emotionally and Psychologically abusive relationship..............clearly it still is. Here you are, finding yourself concerned....wake up love. If you have truly finished with this prick, then let him get on with it...you are not his carer and he's an adult and he will get over the rather inane hyperventilating.....you're not truly done with him are you.

category12 · 27/12/2018 01:25

His cousin knows what happened. Therefore you do not need to contact his family.
He wasn't taken into A&E. Therefore the medical services think he's well enough to look after himself.

He scared you very effectively. He scared your dc.

He may well be very upset, however, that doesn't mean you can help him or that you should go back to him. You're not a therapist. His abusive behaviour will not change, just because he's had a panic attack. He may be lying about not eating etc, trying to suck you back in through pity.

You care about him, of course you do, but none of this changes how he behaved towards you. Nor does it mean he'll change his ways.

disneyspendingmoney · 27/12/2018 01:42

Block his number, block his email block his Instagram, Twitter, WhatsApp, telegraph, facebook when you're not doing something with dd, put in headphones and blast your brain, keep your mum and sis close by just in case he turns up and pulls a sob story stunt.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/12/2018 01:49

I used to suffer (genuine, panic induced) hyperventilation. One of the symptoms your hands getting numb and freezing up. It means there is too much oxygen on your system, hence the blowing in a paper bag thing.

Its very very easy to fake, you literally just have tp breathe fast and often.

PLEASE dont fall for it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/12/2018 01:50

excuse typos, v v long day at work plus chest infection :(

gluteustothemaximus · 27/12/2018 01:51

He does have unsupverised contact he’s a good dad to her just not been very good towards me.

Sorry, but, no.

Have been there. Fake panic attacks, threatening suicide. You said he’s abusive. He will not change. This was a stunt. Do not give him unsupervised access.

Keep strong. This bit is hard.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 27/12/2018 02:02

It sounds completely fake and is a classic and well-known tactic to make you feel guilty and take him back. I'd be disgusted with him for wasting NHS time and resources.

SuperVeggie · 27/12/2018 02:18

OP you said in your first post that is was an emotionally and physically abusive relationship of 10 years. Now in your latest post you are talking about 10 years of good memories. They can’t be very good surely if he was abusive towards you?

This is classic manipulation on his part. Please do not let him do this to you and your DC. Stay away, you have done so well to leave him and now he is just trying to get you back via guilt. Other posters on here have seen it before. Please stay strong.

ahYerWill · 27/12/2018 02:37

He'll be suicidal next and phoning to say how it's so awful the gp has him on anti-depressants, but he doesn't think they're working. Or he'll have chest pains and go to A&E and make sure you know all about how the stress is making him so ill. Literally every abusive dickhead ever has pulled this shit when their victim wises up and finally leaves them. It's all a ploy to manipulate you into feeling guilty and engage with his drama again. If you fall for it, he'll up the abuse and it'll be 10x harder leaving next time. He knows how to press your buttons to guilt you into going back and he's giving it his absolute best shot right now....

BumbleBeee69 · 27/12/2018 02:42

No way I’d be letting this unstable Father unsupervised access to my kids !?

Tell him to take you to Court.

Tattybear16 · 27/12/2018 04:26

Deep breath, he’s doing a number on you and he knows which buttons to press. Had everyone running around after him didn’t he. Give him an Oscar for the performance. I’ve been where you are, rushing to hospital for a suspected heart attack. Then he was straight in the pub propping up the bar when it didn’t work.

You put yourself and your DD first every time. That is all that matters, leave the drama.lama to keep performing.

AgentJohnson · 27/12/2018 05:29

Deep down you know this is an act and are trying to get permission to fuck your life up again by going back. His cousin followed him in their car, yet here you asking if you should contact his family.

Not going back should be your priority and while you are still so vulnerable you need to limit contact with him and ask a third party to handle hand over.

AnyFucker is right, you and your DD will pay if you go back. His ‘health’ problems don’t make him less of bastard.

SD1978 · 27/12/2018 05:54

Please stop trying to defend him. He is the father of your child, and that's it. His emotional well-being, except for how it affects your daughter is not your concern. He's abused you for 10years. Has had ten years to stop. And didn't. His cousin is aware of the situation. Please don't go back. For your sake and for your daughters, don't get sucked in again.

Slothslothsloth · 27/12/2018 06:04

You really sound like you’re on the verge of going back to him. Please don’t. What a waste of all you’ve achieved in getting away.

CupoBlood · 27/12/2018 06:07

Real or faked - it's is faked, he is not your problem. Did he give this much thought to you and how he made you feel? No!

This is a test. Stay strong or you will end up back with him. It's hard to leave, but staying left is very hard. He is everything you know. But I promise you, you can do this. Come here when you are tempted. Turn your phone off, put it on top of the wardrobe but do not get sucked back in.

CupoBlood · 27/12/2018 06:08

This is when new tactics have to be employed to regain power. Everything you knew about him being reserved will be out the window.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 27/12/2018 06:57

This is him escalating. That is all. Don't look. Be unavailable and don't let him have access FFS. Long term he will poison your DD. She will feel responsible for him too.

LaughingCow99 · 27/12/2018 07:02

I'd say the paramedics were quick enough to diagnose DDMFE (Dramatic Dumped Man For Effect) Syndrome. They clearly weren't that concerned OP and neither should you be.

I would recommend counselling before you fully buy back into his BS.

adreamofspring · 27/12/2018 07:48

I also don’t buy it. He’s been controlling you for years and this is another way to do it.

But - even if it were a genuine panic attack - it’s still not your problem. Maybe he was worried your parents knew about all the horrible shit he’s done. Maybe it was about being seen for the real person he is.

The amount of abuse that you put up with over the years is the reason you are no longer with him. Focus on that.

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