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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrendous night tonight

229 replies

louisejanep · 26/12/2018 22:44

Hi ladies I’ve posted on here lots about coming out of a really emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship of 10yrs. Moved back t parents 3 weeks ago with my 3 yr old DD. He come to pick little girl up tonight and got out of the car and nearly collapsed then lost control it was horrendous to see I thought he was Havng stroke it was awful. My sister ran to rig ambulance and he was in there for about an hour with an oxygen mask on hyperventilating. He couldn’t get his breath, they said it was panic. He has hit rock bottom and gone home tonight think he’s had a breakdown over relationship . In my previous post and through earlier posts I have spoke about my guilt. I feel responsible for him. He’s gone back home and I’ve just managed to get DD off to sleep. Worried about his welfare :(

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/12/2018 19:31

Jesus Christ, I just read this cold and was horrified at how this man is abusing and manipulating you before you even got to him stealing your win and not even giving you a house key.

He's now faked a panic attach, texting you over a hundred times a day, lying to get you over for New Year's Eve. God it's sickening how much abuse he is doling out and there is a kid involved here.

Send your mum to get your stuff, tell him if he means his texts he will let her in. And tell him it's over,

Then speak to women's aid and ask for help, this man is a piece of shit and you need to stay very very far away from him. And for ever.

Original poster
louisejanep · 29/12/2018 21:01

@randommess we use to pick a line each every week and I had forgotten my bank card this particular day, so he bought my line with his card. So technically it’s his win. We agreed if either won we would split. But I have no leg to stand on over that.

OP posts:
disneyspendingmoney · 30/12/2018 22:47

louisejanep

how are things just checking to see how you are

HollyLM · 30/12/2018 23:21

Stay away, and never go back!

Original poster
louisejanep · 31/12/2018 17:42

@disney hi thanks very much for the message. I am doing ok I’m having my good and bad days. I seem ok until he starts texting me photographs of all of us when little one was born etc, but ignoring them. Went on a night out with friend last night so that was realy refreshing to just get out.

He’s asked me to go and bring in the new year with him and DD later but I’ve told him I’m spending it with family when I finish work tonight. I’m just worried that as he’s had DD since yesterday she always comes back crying for daddy and saying mummy when are you coming home, I find that hard to deal with as I don’t want any of his adult emotions being put on her. I’ve been away for over 3 weeks I think it is now so hoping I keep this strength and stay away. I’ve started looking at places to get on my own with DD so that’s defitnley positive :)

OP posts:
disneyspendingmoney · 31/12/2018 18:39

Fuck me, that's serious psychological tirture, next he'll start waterboarding.

Get DD back and break all contact you and dad until he gets a court order, save the psyops text to show the court.

Brake NOW so you can start the year fresh

Original poster
louisejanep · 31/12/2018 22:41

Thank you for your kind words and asking if I was ok :) hope you Andy your family have a lovely New Year

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 01/01/2019 10:46

You're doing really well op! Stay strong! Xx

Original poster
louisejanep · 01/01/2019 11:30

THank you @Mrsmummy90 I’m reaally up and down with emotions, feel like I’m putting on a brave face around family but breaking inside. Feel like I’m grieving for the relationship and for him. He constantly texts me to say how sad he is but i just ignore him or brush it off I appear realy cold but l cant open up to him as it would make me situation worse. Feel hopeful for future but lost and scared at same time

OP posts:
LaughingCow99 · 01/01/2019 11:34

Of course you are up and down but you are on the right path. Well done for not buying into his bulls*.

I hope you find somewhere lovely :)

New year, new chapter.

Daisymay2 · 01/01/2019 13:01

Hi
Happy new year.
It might be hard, but text him and say no more texting unless about making arrangements for dd as he is harassing you? I see the texts are about how bad he feels - has he mentioned how terribly he has behaved- financial and emotional abuse?
Although I would be thinking about no contact for dd as well - as he is emotionally abusing her.
Have you got your stuff yet? Don't forget the important paperwork if you haven't.

TeslasTeaCup · 01/01/2019 13:13

Haven't read rtft:

Stop giving this arsehole excuse after excuse.

HE WILL NEVER, EVER change.

Pulling out the sympathy card is major tactic used by abusers.

You are not responsible for him. He needs to/ought to be taken personal accountability for his own life.

For your own good, and especially that of your child, get this loser out of your head.
Have some god damn self-respect and self-love.

The damage he is doing to you and your child will only be more and more fucked up the longer you let him to do so. "What you allow will continue". Don't let him trick you into thinking that he's changed his ways and he's now a good guy - another major tactic of psychological abusers. You will keep going to and fro between Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, until you lose your sense of reality and sense of self.

Trust a woman who has been through the mud, shit and trauma of domestic abuse - and is coming out the other end.

TeslasTeaCup · 01/01/2019 13:17

And he went to counselling and all that shit. Social services became involved. It changed his behaviour somewhat for a few months, and then he came back worse, twisting everything and attacking me from every angle he could.

TeslasTeaCup · 01/01/2019 13:21

Judging by your most recent post - he's using your child to control you, to control your thoughts and emotions. That has got to stop. Classic manipulation right there.

You need outside support. Don't be scared to contact the authorities. They will see through him. He needs sat down with a social worker or family support advisor to be told on no uncertain terms that he needs to back off.

Original poster
louisejanep · 01/01/2019 15:15

Thank you @teslasteacup I do feel like my reality is a little warped, as I still indirectly hear his voice in my head. For example I went on night out with close friend and confided in her about everything I’ve always held back few details and she was horrified. The thing is he’s always said I’m playing a victim and always feeling sorry for myself which I don’t. And that has stopped me from talking the truth to people about how messed up things are because I could imagine him saying why are you playing the victim and getting people to feel sorry for you when there’s nothing wrong.

So posting on here has been a life line as the majority of my friends think I’ve got thi lovely little family and everything is plain sailing. So I appreciate every xlmment I get on here and keep re-reading.

I’m sorry you went through a really hard time @teslasteacup what we’re youur coping strategies.

OP posts:
IAmALionessHearMeRoar · 01/01/2019 17:21

OP, please get legal advice asap about your finances. You'll find you are entitled to much more of the equity from the properties than he says you are. You don't need to be on the deeds to have a beneficial interest. And the lottery win was equally yours as his.

TeslasTeaCup · 01/01/2019 18:23

No problem louisejanep

Am I able to PM you to stay private?

Just remember: you are not a victim, you are strong and brave, you are a survivor!
((hugs))

Original poster
louisejanep · 01/01/2019 18:42

@teslasteacup yes of course please do PM me :)

OP posts:
Original poster
louisejanep · 01/01/2019 18:50

Hi And happy new year @daisymay I’ve not collected all my stuff yet no I’m avoiding it at the moment. It’s nice to have a day without being bombarded with texts 😀 helps me think clearer and straight

OP posts:
thefourgp · 01/01/2019 20:51

Missing him is totally natural OP. I occasionally miss my ex but I never act on those feelings and I would never tell him that. If we never had any good times I would not have stayed with him for so long. It’s sad the bad times outweighed the good ones and I know that I’m prone to romanticising our relationship. I also had a bad habit of making a big deal out of the rare occasions he was kind or made the minimal effort and I would minimise the really bad behaviour and tell myself that I was being over dramatic when I wasn’t. His behaviour was that bad and he didn’t deserve me. Your ex really is a horrible person and did not deserve to be with you. Obtaining your masters degree was an amazing achievement and he should have allowed you to celebrate all the hard work you put in. People who truly love us are proud of our achievements, not threatened by them. I hope 2019 is a fresh start for you and your daughter. Just keep thinking that this time next year you will be more settled and happier in the next chapter of your life. Xx

Original poster
louisejanep · 01/01/2019 22:09

@thefourgp I really resonate with your post everything you say is exactly what I’m going through right now so thank you. I’m glad you managed to get out and are happy again :) thank you for your supportive words

OP posts:
Original poster
louisejanep · 03/01/2019 19:32

Was feeling good about things but now feel awful again. I was in work tonight and he dropped DD off with mum and while my mum was getting key to front door she could hear him saying to DD daddy’s really going to miss you and it got DD really upset. So my mum said she saw red and called him to one side and said do not put your emotions on DD it’s not fair. And then things escalated quite quick. My mum said quite few hurtful things to him and he actually started crying. I feel awful now as I keep thinking he hates handing DD over and now hes walked off and gone home alone probably stewing over what she’s said.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/01/2019 19:44

Your Mum is right though, it's emotionally abusive to DD to overemphasis his feelings and dump it on her!

Stay strong.

labazs · 03/01/2019 19:46

if you hyperventilate you will lose feeling in your hands sorry hun he was playing you like a good un you have escaped his abuse dont be sucked back into it

SpinneyHill · 03/01/2019 20:13

Were the things your mum said hurtful or honest? or both?

If an adult is saying inappropriate things to a child you would hope that someone would put a stop to it in adult way.

Focus on how upset your child was, not how indignant he will be feeling. That's what your mum did.