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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrendous night tonight

229 replies

louisejanep · 26/12/2018 22:44

Hi ladies I’ve posted on here lots about coming out of a really emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship of 10yrs. Moved back t parents 3 weeks ago with my 3 yr old DD. He come to pick little girl up tonight and got out of the car and nearly collapsed then lost control it was horrendous to see I thought he was Havng stroke it was awful. My sister ran to rig ambulance and he was in there for about an hour with an oxygen mask on hyperventilating. He couldn’t get his breath, they said it was panic. He has hit rock bottom and gone home tonight think he’s had a breakdown over relationship . In my previous post and through earlier posts I have spoke about my guilt. I feel responsible for him. He’s gone back home and I’ve just managed to get DD off to sleep. Worried about his welfare :(

OP posts:
LakeIsle48 · 28/12/2018 17:31

Puss save your distress for the real victim here. OP your EX certainly got all the attention focused back onto him. He behaviour is completely predictable.

It's curious that he happened to have a breakdown in front of a lot of people who suspect him of being a fake. He probably thinks that his display will garner pity.

Give him a day or two. You will witness a complete recovery and a return to his usual MO.

Puss you are easily taken in. Read through the post properly.

LakeIsle48 · 28/12/2018 17:38

Read Ribbons post and learn folks. Funny how those poor victims suddenly become Oscar winning performers (who knew!) when their cover is blown.

LakeIsle48 · 28/12/2018 18:07

If you want to hear how damaging abusers like OP's EXH are I could put you in touch with my DD who has been hospitalised in a psychiatric ward several times as a result of her father who incidentally was an Oscar winning performer.

OP trust the women on this thread who have been through what you are going through. Don't believe his latest performance.

Seek help for yourself and your daughter. You are not imagining things, it is as bad as you think. I saw a wonderful counsellor who changed things for the better. My GP was also a great support.

Original poster
louisejanep · 28/12/2018 20:17

@lakelsle48 thank you for your messages, sorry to hear that your DD has been through a very hard time. I made contact with a councillor before Xmas so hoping to start some sessions with her in the new year. Thank you for reminding me I am not imagingjg things , as when I’m having a weak moment I think he can’t be as bad as I’m saying, he told me that walking away from him would make me realise how bad relationships can be and I would go back to him with my tail between my legs when I discover there are men out there treat cheat and hit women.

OP posts:
disneyspendingmoney · 28/12/2018 20:36

...realise how bad relationships can be and I would go back to him with my tail between my legs when I discover...

There is a lot that can be said about someone who has an attitude like that.

If he's saying things like that, stay away.

Original poster
louisejanep · 28/12/2018 23:15

Tonight he’s telling me he can’t function without me and his life has fell apart, I know it’s all to play on my guilt. He told me when we were together he would never marry me because women get half of a mans assests in a divorce and lot of women get married for money (I’ve rarely asked him for a penny ) now texting me saying he wish he asked me to marry him and that was his dream. Sorry I’m still posting just sends me crazy reading constant text after text

OP posts:
winteryslippers · 28/12/2018 23:21

You need to say the words op.

Tell him it's over.

winteryslippers · 28/12/2018 23:23

Everything he will text and say to you now is simple what you want to hear.

When you go back he would realise he can control you.

This will increase his dominance over you.

Start now, take back your life, tell him it's over.

RandomMess · 28/12/2018 23:24

Block his number why are you letting yourself even receive his emotional abuse because that's what it is!!!

Give him an email address for arranging contact and that is it block all the way.

disneyspendingmoney · 28/12/2018 23:24

block him, you rest easier afterwards, then schedule a safe time to read his spam.

He's occilating from misery me to blame you..

please just block his number, and have a rest from his shite

BumbleBeee69 · 28/12/2018 23:25

WHY have you not blocked his number?

winteryslippers · 28/12/2018 23:26

Love isn't enough.

Marriage isn't enough.

For it to truly work, from day one you need:
Honesty. Respect. Kindness. Genuine caring. Putting each other first. Laughter and happiness. Forgiving after arguments without casting blame.
Lifting each other (not tearing down)
Celebrating successes together without claiming them as your own!
Being able to calm each other through feeling safe etc

BumbleBeee69 · 28/12/2018 23:26

He refuses to marry to stop his wife and child gaining from his earnings, Christ he’s a piece of shit OP.

winteryslippers · 28/12/2018 23:28

If he has even once made you feel sub-standard, worthless, ashamed, exhausted through never feeling enough or never feeling like you get things right... then there's your answer

Mrstobe90 · 28/12/2018 23:33

This sounds all too familiar.

Whenever I left my previous (abusive) relationship, he would fall down the stairs/have a 'heart attack'/attempt suicide.
It is all a ploy to try and drag you back and keep control.
Whenever I gave in, I'd end up back with him and stuck in that cycle of abuse again.
Be strong for your dd. This man is a grown man with access to doctors and emergency services just like everyone else. If he has a problem, he can get his own help.

Focus on you and your dd xx

disneyspendingmoney · 28/12/2018 23:34

How many messages are you getting per day? If you don't mind me asking,. The next stage after misery me and blame you is anger and resentment that he's not getting his way, from there it starts to escalate,

Have you let family and friends know what's going on? You may have to take steps to protect yourself

MintyCedric · 28/12/2018 23:36

My ex was similar when I left...I felt I owed it to him and our long standing relationship to give it some time and see if my feelings for him came back.

When I eventually told him it was over for good he made a miraculous recovery, was on line dating in a matter of days and in a new relationship within weeks...Hmm

Weenurse · 28/12/2018 23:36

Please listen to those who were the children in a relationship like yours.
You don’t want your DD to be impacted by being in such a relationship.

Letsmove1t · 28/12/2018 23:40

OP you are doing well. Small steps- you need to say you have plans for NY, the next wave of desperate drama will follow, just get ready for it. You should block him but I know it’s hard with DD however he’s not showing any signs of being a capable adult to look after her. Keep strong, he’s going to throw all the my life depends on you lines next. HE is responsible for his behaviour NOT YOU - he makes an active choice to be the way he is

Original poster
louisejanep · 28/12/2018 23:54

Thank you all for your messages, I do need to block him I’ve noticed if I do respond to a text he bombard me with lotstexts.
@disney just counted today’s and got 133 messages off him today, that’s the most I’ve had in one day normally about 20ish I would say.
Yes my mum knows what’s going on and says I should do handover with DD through her. She wanted to go round and get all my clothes because I have hardly anything here but I’m scared of going to get it because I know I will get sucked back in. We shared a key so I don’t even have a key to go in when he’s not there to get my stuff, and he said it’s too upsetting for him to give me anything back.

OP posts:
Original poster
louisejanep · 28/12/2018 23:57

@letsmove thank you I feel I am making progress very small baby steps but I think staying away for this long has been good progress. My 3 ye old today been playing up a little and she said it’s not fair my family should be together which I was really shocked at as didn’t realise it would affect her so much with being so young so had a bit of a set back and felt terrible this evening. But just keeping myself busy with her to take mind off things. I think all the posters have had experience of abusive relationships have all come out the other side and not one of them has looked back which gives me so much courage

OP posts:
Hen2018 · 29/12/2018 00:03

133?! I’d be contacting the police about harassment.

Original poster
louisejanep · 29/12/2018 00:12

They are mainly all texts begging me that he’s going to change and he realises what he’s done and he hates himself for the way he’s treated me and that he’s going counselling blah blah blah

OP posts:
disneyspendingmoney · 29/12/2018 00:13

It's going to be tough getting your stuff, I would also seriously think about a child arrangement order and prohibited steps order, the prohibited steps prevents him taking your dd without your explicit permission. Also add a contact order that says for how long and when he can have dd. It's not cheap btw, unless you qualify for legal aid.

Perhaos consider getting another sun for your phone or calling your provider and getting your number changed, as this is bullying tell your provider and they do it for free otherwise it's a £20 fee.

Ask your mum and a friend or two to help you get your clothes, if necessary prepare them to video the collection.

Then you'll get a shitstorm of texts.

then tell him your done with him.

Then start a new life with dd, one free of manipulation, coercion and controll

disneyspendingmoney · 29/12/2018 00:19

louisejanep those are very odd words for a 3yo to say.

If the phrase "I'll get better" was used by him, believe me, it doesn't happen.

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