Horrendous night tonight

[louisejanep]

Hi ladies I’ve posted on here lots about coming out of a really emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship of 10yrs. Moved back t parents 3 weeks ago with my 3 yr old DD. He come to pick little girl up tonight and got out of the car and nearly collapsed then lost control it was horrendous to see I thought he was Havng stroke it was awful. My sister ran to rig ambulance and he was in there for about an hour with an oxygen mask on hyperventilating. He couldn’t get his breath, they said it was panic. He has hit rock bottom and gone home tonight think he’s had a breakdown over relationship . In my previous post and through earlier posts I have spoke about my guilt. I feel responsible for him. He’s gone back home and I’ve just managed to get DD off to sleep. Worried about his welfare :(

Yep, think of your daughter. She comes first. Why do you care so much about how he feels? He didn’t give two hoots for your mental welfare.
It sounds like he’s now emotionally abusing your daughter and your mum was right to confront him. She’s fighting you and dd corner. Well done your mum!
Tears are fake, further emotional abuse aimed at making you feel guilty.
Don’t underestimate his ability to act.

Block him and stop him seeing your dd for now until court order like pp said. He is damaging her.

Your job to protect her, a 3 yr old child rather than being concerned about him, the abuser. Let him GTF! He knows what he’s doing. He can stop but he is choosing not to !

Anyone can hyperventilate. It’s just breathing really fast so too much co2 builds up. This can cause tingling in face hands feet (extremities)
Blimey, I know a 15 yr old who’s faked them to get out of class! Her mother took her to gp and she was prescribed inhalers!!
Seriously, give him an Oscar for such a great performance. It makes a mockery of people who really do suffer in this way.

Most controlling abusive people do this or tell you they are going to kill themselves etc as a ploy to win you back.
Try ignoring it, I bet it tries something else until he gets what he wants.

for your mum. She has the measure of him. Don't be sucked back in - the tears were for effect I bet anything. Or maybe he just realises that he has been sussed.

Stay strong 💐

I’m not defending him but I don’t think that was staged as he couldn’t speak or breathe and lost sensation in his hands couldn’t move them. Do I contact his family to ask them to keep an eye on him?

@louisejanep - if you hyperventilate, you will eventually lose feeling in your hands then they will claw up. It's because when you hyperventilate, you change the acid base of your blood because carbon dioxide builds up.
It's completely reversible and completely controllable by the person although they may not believe that at the time.

He was crying because he was feeling sorry for himself. He’s not used to a woman telling him when he’s wrong. Well done to your mum for sticking up for your daughter. He’s conditioned you over the years to feel sorry for him but try not to. If he wasn’t trying to upset your daughter your mum would not have had to tell him some home truths. He’s a grown man and he’s responsible for his behaviour and actions. X

@spinneyhill trey we’re true , she told him to stop harassing me, told him to go and get help for his mental health. The only thing I’m hurt by is she told him that DD doesn’t ask for him when she’s here (which she doesn’t do really but when she knows she’s seeing him she does get excited and talks about him after she’s seen him) that comment hurt me she shouldn’t have said that :(

I know she’s trying to fight my corner I’m really grateful but I feel he’s really vulnerable at the moment on his own and things could have been dealt with in a nicer way. I’ve been trying to keep things calm and co-operative.

Feel back at square one now wracked with guilt.

But that is his game he wants you racked with guilt so you go back...

He is a master manipulator, you can't fix him, you can't make it all better. You need to detach from him and be the best Mum being strong and consistent for your DD not letting your emotions over your ex sway you around.

Well if you’re wracked with guilt, his tactics are working. He is carefully manipulating you so you feel this way.
You need to be strong for your daughter. Go No Contact.

If you go back to him your daughter will grow up thinking that his treatment of you is normal.

She will either grow up disrespecting you ( learned from him) or
She will grow up thinking this is normal behaviour in a man and end up in an abusive relationship herself.

Bloody hell OP give your head a wobble- remember what he has done to you, how he’s upsetting and manipulating DD - now you are away From him be wise, use time to process the details- run through all of that again. Do you still feel guilty - NO!!! It’s all his fault

Is this for real no one can be this naive at 28 surely?

This man has abused you psychologically for 10 years, he wouldn’t split his lottery win, wouldn’t put your name on the homes you lived in and you didn’t even have your own key? Yet you feel sorry for him?

Get a grip. Think about the example you are setting your daughter.

💐 for your Mum

@louisejanep
Your story reminds me of one of my closest friends. Her husband was a lying, cheating, abusive, manipulative bastard. Great talent for developing ‘illnesses’ or going into fits of apparently inconsolable crying. He’d lie in bed (when he should have been working) and call her name (in a suitably fragile voice). He needed her! He loved her! He couldn’t live without her.

I, indeed all her friends, tried to get her to leave him, but she wouldn’t. Even when he became violent she stuck by him. He kept promising to change, and she always believed him.

He recognised the danger that she might change her mind and leave him, under pressure from people who cared about her. So he convinced her they could have a fresh start in another country. He would mend his ways and be a model husband and father, and it would all be lovely, lots of sunshine and barbies on the beach. She fell for it, and now 12,000 miles separated her from her family, friends and support system.

I don’t want to send you into a panic. I don’t know your husband personally, so I can’t judge. But he sounds selfish, narcissistic, abusive and controlling, like my friend’s husband.

And my friend’s husband sexually abused their daughter from ages 10 to 14.

Now, that is a special kind of evil, and I hope your husband isn’t quite that evil.

But are you willing to take that chance.?

she told him that DD doesn’t ask for him when she’s here

Children live 'in the moment' so of course she isn't thinking about someone who isn't there, she'd be bloody miserable if she was thinking about missing him all day every day, so I don't see why that upset either of you. It's truth AND a sign that she is coping well.

OP he brought this on himself, keep telling yourself that he had choices and repeatedly made abusive decisions. This is not your fault and he will switch to anger soon enough.
It gets easier to stay away when the manipulative 'poor me' routine stops and the familiar anger happens, trust me and every other woman who's been through it.
These men are as predictable as counting to 10.

Stay strong xx

@spinneyhill yes I agree I think it will be easier to deal with when the anger stage comes. I’ve felt annoyed over the last week or so and it’s help me detach myself. I always wanted things to end amicably but knew deep down he wouldn’t allow that.

@figlessfig thank you for your message, that’s awful what your friend has gone through :( Hope she gets the strength to leave one day. Thank you for sharing it with me shows the extent to what these men can get to. Luckily we’re not married so one less thing to worry about. Thank you for all your messages of support

You feel sorry for him because you are a kind and compassionate person, you don't have to beat yourself up for feeling that way, or any way.

You know the right thing for you and your daughter is to split, doesn't mean you have to feel happy about it though, but peace will come to you in time

If it was that bad he wouldn't have driven home an hour later. He would have been taken to a hospital.

^ THIS>.

Wake up, OP. He is still controlling you. Your Mum is doing the right thing by trying to protect both you and her GD.

I think you might benefit from some counselling to help you break out of the guilt. It doesn't sound as if you actually have anything to feel guilty about - he's just making you feel like that.

Well done for leaving him in the first place. It's not easy. You are in the best place for now. Please seek some counselling to help you move forward so he doesn't reel you back in.

Thank you @greenfingers I’ve made contact with a counsellor, had an initial meeting before Christmas to discuss what I wanted from that. And hoping to start this month don’t know what to expect from it but it can only be a move in the right direction.

Just a little update, I have slowly felt the wave of guilt lifting from being separated. I have literally just told him it’s over. Feel awful as it was done over text, I don’t know whether I should have done it face to face as was nearly 11yrs.

But I don’t feel strong enough to tell him to his face, it is upsetting. And he text me saying please just tell me over text if it’s over or not so I have done. Beating myself up about it now though I don’t know whether I should have waited.

No, you have got to put your DD and yourself first.

He asked you the question and you answered it.

Stay strong

He’s sent me a lot of texts now calling me a coward. Is it really disrespectful after nearly 11 years and with a child to end things over text. I’ve been at my mums and I’ve spoke to him face to face at handovers and told him I’m so unhappy and want to be on my own.

He’s dropping DD off with me soon I feel sick at the thought of what’s going to happen when I collect her from his car.

He's asked as an excuse to abuse you...

You have told him time and time again.

Just ignore him, go grey rock.

He already knew. He's just found yet another stick to beat you up with.

Your mums was right about him putting his emotions on your DD. He should be trying to make it as easy as possible for her, not making it harder. Feel sorry for her - not him. Don't feel guilty. He sounds a nasty piece of work.

Is your Mum there to do handover instead?