Horrendous night tonight

[louisejanep]

Hi ladies I’ve posted on here lots about coming out of a really emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship of 10yrs. Moved back t parents 3 weeks ago with my 3 yr old DD. He come to pick little girl up tonight and got out of the car and nearly collapsed then lost control it was horrendous to see I thought he was Havng stroke it was awful. My sister ran to rig ambulance and he was in there for about an hour with an oxygen mask on hyperventilating. He couldn’t get his breath, they said it was panic. He has hit rock bottom and gone home tonight think he’s had a breakdown over relationship . In my previous post and through earlier posts I have spoke about my guilt. I feel responsible for him. He’s gone back home and I’ve just managed to get DD off to sleep. Worried about his welfare :(

You need to decide it’s truly over, then tell him you & DM or someone who can stand up to him (leave DD at home) tell him when you are going over & getting your stuff back. You need to be harder here- if he won’t let you get your stuff say you’ll get a police escort given his bombardment of texts & behaviour- he has a choice here- make sure you follow through. You have to make the break & you can do it, you seem a bit unsure & perhaps can’t yet believe A) you can do it B)you deserve a better life & it will be C) understand how controlled you have been & still are by him- but you are getting away from him bit by bit each day - but you need your stuff back to start to move on

@disney thank you for all your support. Yes I’m thinking taking somebody with me to get my clothes may prevent him from ‘talking me round’ I feel vulnerable at times, I need a kick up the arse but I will get there small steps at a time. And you lot have all been amazing when I’m low I find myself re-reading all of your messages and they literally are a god send so thank you.

@letsmove1t you’ve really hit the nail on the head I am feeling exactly everything you have mentioned, I’m scared of the unknown we’ve been together since I was 18 and 10years later I’m petrified to even know where I begin with gwtting my own place, supporting myself and DD etc. But I know in my head I’ve got to do it for my DD, even though I have setbacks and particularly when she has been with him she comes back to me and says mummy when are you coming home to our family, mummy we should all be sleeping in our house.

But for mine and DDs future I’ve got to, Ita took me a very long time to make the move of leaving, just got to continue to make moves in the right direction. But it is so tough as obviously I still have feelings. But I can’t go back to the dispair and dark feelings he put me through.

Also, go to your GP tell them all this, you may find that anxiety starts to skyrocket, you may start to sleep badly. By discussing it all with your GP steps to provide help for you emotionally and otherwise can be done such as NHS CBT or talk therapy.

The next few weeks you'll be all over the place until your routine settles.

You'll also need to think about future accommodation for you and dd, do make a trip to the council housing and citizens advice.

I’m struggling to believe a 3 year old said that tbh

He's feeding your daughter those words. He's emotionally abusing her too.
Get your stuff with someone else present.
BLOCK him. Delete texts dont read them. I'd even not let him see daughter for a week or so, just having some peace with no contact for a short while will do wonders for your mental health.
Be patient and have trust that your life will get better. It cant happen overnight. Keep reading and posting for support. I sure wish I had it years ago. I kept going back sadly xx

It will get easier.
It took me a long time to get over my abusive ex. For some reason, the ties are stronger in an abusive relationship. There's been a lot of research done on it with things like hysterical bonding and trauma bonding.

After years of trying to leave, I eventually managed to and jumped into a new relationship immediately, sheerly to stop me going back. I missed him like crazy and the new relationship didn't last but it gave me some extra support with all the trauma I'd been through.

It's now 6 years later and I have the most incredible husband. He is so kind and loving and doesn't have an bad bone in his body. We have a beautiful home and a wonderful daughter together and another baby on the way.

If I could turn back time and leave my ex sooner, I would.

You can do this and your happy ending is out there but it won't ever be with him.

particularly when she has been with him she comes back to me and says mummy when are you coming home to our family, mummy we should all be sleeping in our house.

Clear as day OP.
He's emotionally abusing your child by turning her against you.
He's also abusing you child by making her scared and distressed.

Unfortunately your DD only has 1 parent who is capable of protecting her and thats you. Otherwise all the same guilt etc that he's conditioned to you will be conditioned to her as well.

I would really encourage you took stop unsupervised contact with him, to block his number and to tell him it's over.

You've already said yourself that you need to do those last 2 things but its taking that brave step to do it to protect you and DD.

OMG! It gets worse I'm absolutely incensed by this.
Newday is right. He's abusing your child. He's using her as a tool In his mind games.
He's also setting her up to feel responsible for him. Why should she feel worry, guilt or any other adult emotion? She's 3years old Ffs!
I would not let him see her alone. Otherwise she'll be taking your place as his victim.

Thanks @crystalize when I first left I had no contact with him and it was bliss as soon as the texts started again that’s when I started to feel down and guilty.

@mrstobe90 thank you for your wise words, how did you manage with things when you first separated? Did he make it hard for you when you left? So glad you’ve found a lovely husband and are really happy. Nice to hear success stories from those that have left bad relationships.

He stalked me for a while and I made a police log but didn't want them to ensue anything. He was constantly messaging/calling me with either a barrage of abuse or declaring his love and apologising.
He made my life hell at first and I missed him so much but I knew that if I went back to him, despite his promises to change, it would be exactly the same.

After a while it got easier and he stopped harassing me.

I still very occasionally will have a nightmare about him but they're now few and far between.
My life is amazing now and I question why I put up with the abuse for so long.

This is why you need to get a new sim and 2nd phone. Let your Mum look after a cheap phone with the current sim in it.

He has done you a favour pulling his medical stunt as he clearly "isn't well enough mentally or physically to care for DD". Let him take you to court for contact other than meeting up with your Mum and DD at a playground or soft play etc.

Can you not see how abusive it was that you weren't allowed your own key - meant you we're tied to him and the house at all times...

Speak to the police about retrieving your belongings. TBH if you are joint tenant/owner you could when he is out and get a locksmith to get you in and change the locks. Collect your and DDs stuff without him there.

I think if he's just had a breakdown, he shouldn't be looking after a 3 year old by himself until he's discussed his health with a doctor.

I can't get over the fact that the paramedics let him drive home! What if he'd had his attack while he was in the car with your 3yo?!

(To add - I understand he probably made it up, but I would be inclined to treat it as fact for the purpose of childcare.)

Change SIMs.

Do not tell him about the new 'number'.

Keep the texts.

You need proof of what he's like.

Your 3 year old is NOT coming up with those phrases by herself OP, he is totally whispering in her ear and manipulating her too, which just shows what a self absorbed arsehole he is - using and distressing his own child to get to you? Hopefully realising this will add to your righteous anger about getting rid of him from both your lives.
I say again, you are doing SO well. Take all the help and support you possibly can, it's a massive thing but you WILL be so much happier in the future and so will your DD. You're giving her the chance of a normal life, and the example of a strong woman setting her up for healthier relationships for herself.

@randommess we’re not joint owners no even though we’ve been together 10years my name was not put on any of the houses. Long story short but we had a win in 2011 on euromillions won £250k and being only 20 and naive and trusting he told me he would buy the house in his name, anyway he bought run down houses and done them up then when there was too much money in the house we had to move to another dump as his next project. DD comes along and I thought we’ve got to settle somewhere, and wa still waiting for extension on a bungalow he built so DD not even got her own room. He sold r family home for the money and lived in a hotel for a good few months as he didn’t want to rent. So we were living between my mums and hotels.
So basically whenever I mentioned about me being joint home owner he said no wait till ur earning more. Which is not possible as my little girl does 3 days in preschool and during that time I’m working or at university so no other option to earn more money. So I have no option about getting my clothes unless I face him just wish I had my own key that would things go much more smoothly

You really, really need to care less. Panic attacks can strike both good people and bad.

So he has totally financially screwed you and DD over at every opportunity!!!

I would be very tempted to tell him that once you are are joint owner on the deeds to get back to you and you will give him a 2nd chance, believe me it will NEVER happen...

The next year is going to be an emotional roller coaster for you OP but you’ve made one of the best decisions of your life by ending your relationship with this terrible person.

My ex refused to leave our home so I had to go there with a friend to collect some clothes for myself and the children. I told him to leave me alone whilst I got stuff but he followed me from room to room badgering me with questions and crying his eyes out culminating with him curled up on the kitchen floor in full meltdown mode.

Take a list of what you need to get so you won’t get distracted and forget anything. Make sure you get important documents like passports and birth certificates - this is very important because you’ll need them for benefits etc. Don’t let him ‘help you’ where you tell him what you want to take and he decides what he wants to let you take. Politely say ‘I can get things myself’. Ask your friend to stay with you at all times and do not agree to any little private conversations between the two of you whilst you’re there. Make it clear you’re solely there to collect your stuff and nothing else. Do not enter into a conversation with him. Make sure the car boot and back seat are empty so you can collect as much as possible. Take plenty of empty suitcases, they’re easier than boxes.

Think of this as being your only chance to get everything you want because once you leave he may trash anything of yours left there. Don’t let him hug you. Don’t try to console him. It’ll be tough but stay strong. Write a list of every crappy thing he’s done/said to you and read it before you go. Don’t get into an argument but use the anger as strength to be detached whilst you’re there. If he becomes aggressive or violent phone the police immediately and they’ll stay with you whilst you get your stuff. Xx

Get it all as soon as possible I wouldn't be beyond letting him see DD as a tactic... take your Mum and a couple of friends too though.

BIL took all of SIL jewellery and her PC so all her photos and sentimental stuff gone!!

CAn I sugest you go with 2 helpers. One to stay with you at all times and if necessary to record/film anything that goes on. Particularly if he has anotehr "attack"- demonstrates he isn't well enough to care for dd.The other can take stuff out to the car while you carry on packing. 2 cars would be good if you can manage it . Or the third person can take on load back to your mums while you continue packing. Have plenty of black bags in case you run out of cases.
Obviously take dd stuff as well, and don't forget any favourite kitchen stuff, photoes, your Master stuff. And degree certificates, birth certs, passports ( particularly dds)- make a list a pp suggested.
He has really done a number- had you half of the lottery win and won't let you have a key.

@daisymay2 thank you yes he took all lottery money, at the time I thought my life was going to be made so much easier with having the money I planned to pay off my degree and put money away to start my PHD. But I didn’t realy see any of it. But money is not the problem here, i can tolerate having no money as it doesn’t buy happiness or health but it’s the emotional torment and control I have been through for years that is really damaging. 2 helpers is a good idea, I already have lots of my DDs stuff but hardly anything of mine I’ve had to go buy new jeans and few new tops. I have asked him but he keeps saying no it’s too upsetting for me to get my stuff so planning on taking mum and sister, I would prefer it off he left key. I’m so annoyed that we shared a key because it would have been perfect to go in on my own while he was working. No confrontation or upset just take everything

It shouldn’t take too long to take my stuff as only really got clothes there now all the house stuff he has bought and lots of my stuff got threw in the garage or got put in his mates garage years ago when we moved houses. So I’m thinking if I don’t know what’s in there I’m obviously not missing it

It does sound as if you might need to involve the police if he is refusing to let you have your stuff. It is your property he is refusing to let you have and he is emotionally abusive and he might kick off. I can see that this is a nuclear option though. I don't have any first hand experience of this so others may have better advice.
(The person who had "attacks" if I didn't rush round was someone I had helped and wanted all my attention- forget my DH and DC! That was bad enough and I had no emotional attachment, Sorry not taking over your thread)

Do you have any documentation with you for that house and your name on? Probably enough for a locksmith??

Was the winning ticket actually yours?