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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Horrendous night tonight

229 replies

louisejanep · 26/12/2018 22:44

Hi ladies I’ve posted on here lots about coming out of a really emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship of 10yrs. Moved back t parents 3 weeks ago with my 3 yr old DD. He come to pick little girl up tonight and got out of the car and nearly collapsed then lost control it was horrendous to see I thought he was Havng stroke it was awful. My sister ran to rig ambulance and he was in there for about an hour with an oxygen mask on hyperventilating. He couldn’t get his breath, they said it was panic. He has hit rock bottom and gone home tonight think he’s had a breakdown over relationship . In my previous post and through earlier posts I have spoke about my guilt. I feel responsible for him. He’s gone back home and I’ve just managed to get DD off to sleep. Worried about his welfare :(

OP posts:

NotANotMan · 26/12/2018 22:45

Stop. You're not responsible for him.

LuluBellaBlue · 26/12/2018 22:47

You are not responsible for his behaviour or actions, or his mental health.
He could either be truly ill or this could be an act as you say he’s been abusive. Either way it’s not your fault nor your problem and the only person who can help him is himself.

Neolara · 26/12/2018 22:51

Sounds like he's upped the ante in a very effective manner. You're now worrying snout him and feeling guilty. Is that how he reels you back in?

LaughingCow99 · 26/12/2018 22:54

All sounds suspect. Anyone can fake hyperventilation. Apologies if I seem dismissive but it wouldn't be the first time I've heard of this stunt

FusionChefGeoff · 26/12/2018 22:54

Hmmmm that was convenient timing.

He is not your problem and this sort of behaviour will get worse if you feed it so do your absolute best to be completely unphased.

Haworthia · 26/12/2018 22:55

Sounds like something straight out of the abuser’s rulebook when their partner leaves - threaten suicide/fake illness.

RandomMess · 26/12/2018 22:55

Honestly I think it was planned to get you back...

Original poster

louisejanep · 26/12/2018 22:56

I think he has truley hit rock bottom he wouldn’t draw attention to himself as he is very reserved. He has never had breakdown before and it was horrible to see. I don’t know whether to contact one of his family members as I am concerned

OP posts:

LaughingCow99 · 26/12/2018 22:58

He's emotionally and psychologically abusive, your words. Wake up, op. He's doing a right job on you.

Cherry321 · 26/12/2018 22:58

I have faked hyperventilation, because it was a useful distraction (long time ago and long story) so please tread carefully and be wary.

Original poster

louisejanep · 26/12/2018 23:00

I’m not defending him but I don’t think that was staged as he couldn’t speak or breathe and lost sensation in his hands couldn’t move them. Do I contact his family to ask them to keep an eye on him?

OP posts:

LaughingCow99 · 26/12/2018 23:02

He can call his own family, but I doubt he needs to. The show was for your eyes.

Daisymay2 · 26/12/2018 23:02

Don't contact him to check he is OK. Like PP my guess he is trying it on to get you to go back to him because you are worried about him. He is playing on your guilt. You shouldn't be guilty.
Did he have all that attention from the paramedics and then get back in his car and drive off???? Really?

You are not responsible for him. Ignore.

unexpectednewstart · 26/12/2018 23:06

@louisejanep

My first thought on reading your post is - are you allowing him unsupervised contact with your DD? Whether the incident was real or faked, he doesn't sound capable of looking after a child. I have a slightly similar situation, Childrens Services are already involved and my social worker is very clear that he is not safe to have the kids on his own. If you need help enforcing this, speak to your health visitor or children's services, they will help you.

disneyspendingmoney · 26/12/2018 23:10

You can't cure it
You didn't cause it
You can't control it

You've done the right thing by taking you and dd away from him.

He can take control of his own behaviour, he can cure his own behaviour, he caused this.

Guilt us a natural part of the grief cycle you are allowed to feel the way you do but don't return to an abusive environment. For your own and dd's safety.

Take some time out of his behaviour, its being done to mess with your head. You need a breather some space.

Do not do anything in his behalf its up to him to sort himself out he is an an adult

keenkaren · 26/12/2018 23:11

It's called karma

Original poster

louisejanep · 26/12/2018 23:12

He was in the ambulance for about an hour he asked me to leave ambulance as didn’t want me to see him in that state. I come back inside where my mum and sister was with my DD. And then he drove home an hour after his cousin followed him in his car. He just lost complete control he is very quiet person and doesn’t like to make a scene He said I can’t take daughter tonight I really don’t feel well not ate and had virus so she got upset and then he went really unwell. Took me ages to settle her she’s just gone to sleep. He does have unsupverised contact he’s a good dad to her just not been very good towards me.

OP posts:

justilou1 · 26/12/2018 23:26

His cousin knows already. That’s someone who cares. That should be enough.

Daisymay2 · 26/12/2018 23:33

Asking you to leave the ambulance as he does not want you to see him like that?
Came to your parents house to say he can't take dd as he had a virus and hasn't eaten? Has he no other way to get in contact? How did he arrange to see dd today?
He is really trying to reel you in by making you feel sorry for him- and its working. As someone said - this is the abusers script.

theworldistoosmall · 26/12/2018 23:33

If it was that bad he wouldn't have driven home an hour later. He would have been taken to a hospital.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 26/12/2018 23:41

He's at it love. You have to see it.

Even if you don't it's not your problem.

Holdingoutforalotterywin · 26/12/2018 23:45

Let him take care of himself now. He needs to learn how and running after him to make sure he is ok won’t help in the long run. He caused this and you need to move on. You don’t want to be with him and he needs to learn to live with that - you can’t make him feel better without crushing yourself in the process. Don’t end this year looking backwards. You have to take care of yourself now and that seems to be something you have found difficult in the past. You can’t look after him at the same time - these things are now mutually exclusive. He has family that knows. Let them do some heavy lifting. The stronger you are now the easier it will be. Be brave and do the difficult thing here of leaving him be xx

Gina2012 · 27/12/2018 00:01

Do I contact his family to ask them to keep an eye on him?

You get on with your life - making a wonderful new life for you and your child

Please just do this and stop getting sucked into the twats drama

alvinp · 27/12/2018 00:02

When my psychologically abusive marriage ended my exW pulled many stunts, convincing all around her that she was suffering one attack or another. I suspect some of it was almost true - abusers are generally pretty messed up and the loss of control can induce a complete meltdown.

What I am saying is, it will pass. He is not your responsibility and he will most likely be sticking around for many years to come.

Original poster

louisejanep · 27/12/2018 00:09

Daisymay2 he text to say he would come and pick her up as I’m working tomorrow she’s mainly with me but I work a couple of days a week. I don’t think he’s in a fit state to have her.

He’s definitely hit rock bottom, he told me he’s stopped eating and grieving. Even though I left which was really difficult I feel heartbroken and lost and just feel like I’m in a bubble at the moment. But keeping it all happy and keeping tears back so my DD doesn’t suspect anything is wrong. It’s so flipping hard, I haven’t a minute to myself and feeling very responsible for leaving and keep thinking about the 10 yes of good memories. I prefer to be angry and upset because then I focus on all the negative times.

OP posts:

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