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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrendous night tonight

229 replies

louisejanep · 26/12/2018 22:44

Hi ladies I’ve posted on here lots about coming out of a really emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship of 10yrs. Moved back t parents 3 weeks ago with my 3 yr old DD. He come to pick little girl up tonight and got out of the car and nearly collapsed then lost control it was horrendous to see I thought he was Havng stroke it was awful. My sister ran to rig ambulance and he was in there for about an hour with an oxygen mask on hyperventilating. He couldn’t get his breath, they said it was panic. He has hit rock bottom and gone home tonight think he’s had a breakdown over relationship . In my previous post and through earlier posts I have spoke about my guilt. I feel responsible for him. He’s gone back home and I’ve just managed to get DD off to sleep. Worried about his welfare :(

OP posts:
Original poster
louisejanep · 27/12/2018 08:29

Thank you all for the messages this forum is such a wonderful support system. I feel a little better having heard all your experiences, there’s so much support here. When I am feeling weak I’m going to keep re-reading these messages as my distraction.

OP posts:
pudding21 · 27/12/2018 08:36

Op: I feel for you, I was in your situation two years ago. My ex does genuinely have anxiety Issues and had some episodes similar to this. I had good advice from here. He may or may not be faking, he may be in a really bad place. Suggest he goes see his gp and a counselor. Tell him you can’t be his emotional support. Be tough. I wish I had been more assertive in the early days as it only dragged it out.

He’ll use it as a way to make you feel guilty. You are clearly a very empathetic person. He knows that. He abuses that. Keep your distance, grey rock to any attempts at emotional manipulation and tell him he’s not to have your child unsupervised until he’s got some help.

I booked my ex a gp appointment and counseling. He went to one session and didn’t go back as it was “too hard”. That told me a Lot. If you want to talk to his family, do it if it makes you feel better but make it clear to them it’s over and you are only concerned as he’s the father of your child.

I totally understand how you feel, it’s heart breaking. I also had suicide threats (in a round about way...... ie life is so hard he didn’t know if he could carry on). He still makes out it’s so hard for him two years down the line but he’s had several very short relationships (turns out he’s controlling and critical of others too), manages fine when he sees other people etc it’s just around ME.

Daisymay2 · 27/12/2018 11:00

Hi Louise
I asked how he arranged to see dd , because he could have used the same method to cancel as he was feeling under the weather after his virus ( if he had one) So, he could have texted you to cancel having her, but chose to make a scene outside your parent's house.
He is using your empathy and caring nature to get you back under his control. He abused you and dd at your parent's house and wasted nhs resources on his drama.
Keep strong- and think very seriously if it is safe for him to see dd. He has convinced you that he is a quiet reserved man who is devestated by your break up- he isn't, he wants his victim back.
Also as others have said, be prepared for him to up the ante- he can't live without you , life isn't worth it so he will end it. Tell him you are ringing the police for a welfare check if he does that - don't engage otherise.

PsychedelicSheep · 27/12/2018 11:34

I expect it was a genuine panic attack, although a particularly histrionic one.

Maybe, just maybe this break up will actually help him to do some soul searching and actually work on himself and his need to abuse and control women.

It could be the making of him, he could just continue being who is now and to blame you for everything that went wrong.

Either way he is not your problem to fix and never was. Let him take responsibility for what happens with him next.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/12/2018 11:41

So he's still controlling your feelings...

MissTook · 27/12/2018 12:01

Op, it's early days, you're used to being responsible for everyone but
it will get easier. Let him get used to the new reality, (like not eating makes you feel rough] just like you're getting used to yours.
Don't mollycoddle him, it won't help him.

Omgineedanamechange · 27/12/2018 12:10

Fake as fuck, he asked you to leave the ambulance so you didn’t see all his vitals coming up normal/the paramedics not being able to find anything wrong. Don’t bite!

SparklyMagpie · 27/12/2018 12:16

@ahYerWill absolutely hit the nail on the head there !! 👏👏

Original poster
louisejanep · 27/12/2018 12:31

Thank you all for helping me to see clearer I realise now that whereas he use to tell me that if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be able to go to work, to live the life of Riley ( when I really don’t), he put a roof over our heads and if it weren’t for him I would have nothing, even my masters degree was down to him ‘helping’ me out by looking after DD lots whilst I went the library. I now realise that he was really insecure and maybe he’s not coping without me there

OP posts:
WhotheWhat · 27/12/2018 13:23

Just read all your posts, starting from the pram one in 2015 and clearly guilt is your emotional weak spot and is what he uses to control you. He doesn’t want you to fix him and you can’t make him better because he thinks he’s perfectly okay as he is.

CupoBlood · 27/12/2018 13:38

Has it passed a little? Remember you are conditioned to make sure he is put first, it's hard to break.

Itwasatuesday · 27/12/2018 13:42

Another one here whose abusive ex was having health problems, nervous breakdowns, risk of losing job, couldn't cope etc. He's still around, I need the same job 20 years later. You've pulled the plug OP, for god's sake don't put it back in, it will get easier.

Original poster
louisejanep · 27/12/2018 15:42

@whothewhat I can’t remember my previous posts to 2015 I will have a look for them thank you for spotting that it means a lot. I am overwhelmed by all your kind words and support on here thank you. Sometimes it’s easier to speak on here than to people in person so thank you very much.

The only thing I’m at fault with is I haven’t actually said the words “it’s over” he told me to leave so I did and said I wanted headspace to think what I want.

OP posts:
DointItForTheKids · 27/12/2018 15:51

Can you also see that when he pulled his 'I'm all sick' stunt, he took your attention right away from your DD, and onto him. Wow, he's good.

Tell him it's OVER.

But expect as others have said for him to ramp up other false shit such as I'm under the GP, I'm depressed, it's my hormones, you're splitting up a family.

And I would say quite firmly to him that if he wants contact, based on last night's performance, he needs to organise contact through the courts - he sounds unhinged and willing to try anything to manipulate you back into this life, no matter how it affects you or your DD and you wouldn't want him having unsupervised contact.

And think on this. He was happy to fake a 'collapse' in front of his DD without a care for how it might distress her... SHAME on him. You do not need this man in your life.

neverreadadverts · 27/12/2018 15:53

It doesn't matter if it were a real panic attack or not. You are not responsible for him.

Don't give him head space.

daisychain01 · 27/12/2018 16:04

Think of your DD. She is your only priority. Don't allow her to see his behaviour as normal.

You need to place a lot of distance between you and him.

You'll lose the empathy and support of people on her if all you do is open multiple threads about this loser, if you aren't prepared to listen to the advice given, it's your life, your choice.

pusspuss9 · 27/12/2018 16:05

OP. none of the posters on here know him so they're just guessing and following the party ' he's pulling a fast one' line.

You know him better than anyone and if you're concerned about him then there's probably good reason to be so.

You need to do what YOU think right. You say there are many good memories as well as bad ones. Whatever the consequences are to this episode, none of the posters on here will have to deal with them except you, so you have to do what you think right not be persuaded by MNers who have no stake in this at all.

WatchingFromTheWings · 27/12/2018 16:11

Sounds like he faked it to me. I used to suffer panic attacks....I was wiped out for hours afterwards and certainly wouldn't be able to drive anywhere. He's playing you.

DointItForTheKids · 27/12/2018 16:27

Oh pusspuss COME ON!!!

pusspuss9 · 27/12/2018 19:18

sometimes it's difficult to go against the general consensus, but sometimes you just have to put another side of the equation.
One of my good friends tried to commit suicide. She came round to my house the night before just to pass the time of day so as to speak -or so I thought. I never for one moment recognised the distress she was in. The next day her husband said she was in intensive care and there she stayed until she was transferred to a place that could help her. Since then I have been very careful how I treat distressed people. This is not to say you have to give in to them, but you must definitely treat them with compassion - whether they are ' putting it on' or not.

pusspuss9 · 27/12/2018 19:21

just to add, I've been frankly horrified by some of these responses.

Hen2018 · 27/12/2018 19:26

I have GAD so do occasionally have panic attacks. Do I drive round to my exes or phone them up about them? Of course not!

My ex was the same as yours. A few days after I left him I had the 30th+ answering machine message, shouting and sobbing, telling me how he was going to commit suicide (in the car), then revving noises, squealing of tyres, then silence.

He’s still alive, 14 years later.

Hen2018 · 27/12/2018 19:29

For the sake of clarity - he didn’t even try to crash his car.

He tried similar stunts on his future girlfriends including “standing on the edge of a motorway bridge” (police found him watching tv at home) and “taking a massive overdose”. (Paramedics found him eating his breakfast - no overdose).

Just something to consider if he ramps up the attention seeking a bit.

AdoraBell · 27/12/2018 19:31

Haven’t RTFT, sorry, just wanted to say that it sounds like bullshit. I’ve had a full on panic attack and I couldn’t drive for about 3 days. DH has also had panic attacks and couldn’t drive either. Neither of us could think straight enough or focus properly to drive a car.

You didn’t cause the alleged panic attack.

You didn’t cause the breakup.

You didn’t cause the reasons that he is abusive.

You are not responsible for his health.

WTFIsAGleepglorp · 27/12/2018 19:33

It's extremely easy to fake a panic attack.

Hyperventilate until you feel dizzy.

The change in blood chemistry will do the rest.