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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

447 replies

Minniemee · 26/12/2018 22:25

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

OP posts:
anxiousworld · 28/12/2018 23:51

This entire situation sounds so much like my ex, Matt (if that was even his real name!)

He fed me the same web of BS, hid his history of gambling and debts and the fact he lost his ex and his house to his gambling addiction.

Although you might not see it right now, you do not need a man like that in your life. He’s already lied to you and hidden things, and now he’s saying he doesn’t want the things you do? How can a relationship work when you aren’t even reading the same book let alone on the same page

Coronapop · 28/12/2018 23:59

LTB. He does not want the same things you do, he has already cheated on you once, he is financially hopeless. These qualities are unlikely to make for a successful relationship with a reluctant male.

Motoko · 29/12/2018 00:13

Make sure you do it soon. The longer you put it off, the harder it will be, as you'll keep coming up with excuses as to why now is not the right time.

When you tell him, think of the MN posse all standing behind you! And remember, he's not going to change, whatever he "promises".

Be strong. You can do it.

FixItUpChappie · 29/12/2018 00:33

Save yourself! This bloke is no prize.

You on the other hand, you will be just fine - just stay clear of the cocklodgers hence forth Wink

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 29/12/2018 00:36

New Year, new start.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 29/12/2018 00:57

Who paid for London? If it’s you, sod him taking his parents, I’d go with your friend and her DH!

Change the locks and pack that cocklodger’s shit up in bin bags and leave them in the shed for him.

Good luck, you can do this and deserve so much more than him!

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/12/2018 01:05

You’re the woman who went to Dubai and saved up a shit-load of money for a deposit, aren’t you?! You can do this!

Approach it as factually as possible. You don’t see a future for your relationship, it’s over.

SleightOfMind · 29/12/2018 01:22

My DH is a wonderful man and I adore my children but being a parent is fucking hard sometimes and, as well as love, you really need trust.

Knowing that we have each other’s backs is one of the foundations of our marriage and family life. You could never have this with your current bf.

You say you’d love children. If you have a daughter and her partner treated her like this, what would you advise?

If you had a daughter with this man, would you want her to believe this is how relationships work?

You’re so young. You’ve got plenty of time to find someone wonderful to build a life with.
But this won’t happen while you think so little of yourself and your future DC that you think you need this man.

Leave him, don’t look back and value yourself much more highly.
You sound lovely and a real catch who many genuinely kind men would be thrilled to meet.

Superpooper · 29/12/2018 01:37

He will propose/say he’ll propose/say he’ll think about kids to get you to stay.

Although, I had a guy turn round suddenly and say he never wanted to get married - he was cheating on me. So this might be his way out?

Fairylightfurore · 29/12/2018 01:40

Good luck op

wakemewhenitsallover · 29/12/2018 01:45

Good luck. I agree with a PP - you should be more scared of a future with him than without him.

You deserve so much better.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/12/2018 02:07

I agree, do it now, not later.

And if you're afraid you'll crack, have someone with you when you tell him to leave. In fact, it's probably a very good idea to have someone there. He's had a damn good ride leeching off you, he may not want to 'go quietly'.

RollsEyes · 29/12/2018 07:05

@Minniemee, if it helps, write it down in the form of a letter or text so it's all there. Once he's read it, you then only need to repeat "you need to leave" on a loop.

Do make sure you do it ASAP though, as stringing it out further will only make it more complicated. You've made your decision, which is brilliant, but waiting to carry it out isn't making it any easier for you in the long term.

Do it TODAY! Thanks

HollyBollyBooBoo · 29/12/2018 07:19

Good luck Op. Really hope you can summon the courage to ditch him ASAP. Please be ready for all his sob stories, declarations of love etc. Which are designed to wear you down and make you change your mind.

Do you think he'll physically leave your home easily or do you need a mate around with with. I must admit I called upon a couple of my male neighbours to help me evict a 'D'P once as I knew he wouldn't leave the house willingly.

Then get the locks changed (don't just ask for the key back).

Don't leave him in the property alone. Gamblers are lying cheating thieves and anything of value will go missing. If you can have his stuff bagged up before you have the conversation even better.

emzw12 · 29/12/2018 07:38

It won't change Hun, sorry!
Sounds a lot like an ex boyfriend of mine - although perhaps mine was actually slightly better as he definitely didn't gamble.
He wouldn't commit, he would cry every time I said I wanted him to leave me alone. He promised things would change, they never did!
If men want to commit to you / be with you they will do and they make it very clear if they want to. I met someone a few months after him and it was very clear from day 1 he was committed. 4 years later we are married with 2 kids. It does feel scary but don't let that stop you from meeting someone who will treat you right.
You will constantly spend your life upset and underwhelmed if you stay with this bloke. The longer you leave it the less time you have to meet someone new - look at it that way.
If you want marriage and kids and that's non-negotiable to you then you need to find someone who feels that way as well. Marriage and kids are two things it's hard to compromise on, if you do, one of you will always be miserable. Make 2019 your fresh start promise it will be the best thing you ever did.
Regarding making friends, join some hobby clubs in your local area, go to the local pub/bar, do some voluntary work etc you'll make friends in no time :-)

MarieG10 · 29/12/2018 07:39

Please continue to read the advice...Sleightofhand in particular. Believe me being married and and kids with this guy is only ever going to be a disaster. Once married he will have claim on what becomes joint assets and you will rapidly descend into a financial mess with his gambling and have kids to support. The mental health stuff is bang on as well....saw it with a colleague who got the strength to kick her husband out over gambling and he started down that route and tried to persuade her she was being evil. The mental health aspect didn't last long once he realised his meal ticket for life was now over and he would have to support his own gambling addiction.

It is difficult but stay strong. You have so much going for you and at least you are realising this before it is too far gone and you are in a mess. And at your age you will meet someone who shares your qualities and aspirations.....as well as having a great sex life😉😉😉

emzw12 · 29/12/2018 07:39

Ps watch the film "He's just not that into you", it's a crappy Rom-com but gets the message across that men make it perfectly clear when they do and do not want to be with you long-term!

SandyY2K · 29/12/2018 09:23

You are way too good for him.

When you have the talk...ask him to please not interrupt you.

When you finish...say you dont want a response from him... this is how you feel...you want it over.

Give him a couple of days to leave your house .... deadline 31st of Dec..

Then say you need to go out for fresh air and clear your head.

Stick to saying it's not working for you

You shouldn't even want to marry him..
He's a liability. A proven cheat and is crap with money.

It would be a very big mistake to marry him and have kids.

Beaverhausen · 29/12/2018 10:47

@Minniemee do you think he would care if the shoe was on the other foot? I doubt it, he has it far too easy with you and will only move when he has plan b in place.

Do not let him manipulate you, you need to look at your future and unfortunately he is not part of it.

Tell him you are going out for new years eve, you want him out he has 24hrs you want to start 2019 cocklodgwr free and find yourself a real man.

TatianaLarina · 29/12/2018 11:16

When he cries/manipulates/begs just say ‘you’re a liar, a cheat and a gambler, it’s over’ repeat ad infinitum.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 29/12/2018 11:33

There may be some sense of loss once you've ended it, but I will bet my bottom dollar that you will also feel an enormous sense of relief.

Gfplux · 29/12/2018 11:38

Oh dear you sad thing.
He WILL NOT CHANGE.
Just like a plaster, rip it off.
Otherwise he will drain the life out of you until one day he will be gone leaving a lot of damage behind.
Do it today do not go to London, kick him out. His parents will not die because they didn’t go to London.

Bouledeneige · 29/12/2018 13:56

Kick him out. He's using you. Don't prop up a loser. Better to be alone and create the life you deserve.

another20 · 04/01/2019 06:22

How are you doing Minnieme?

PersonaNonGarter · 04/01/2019 06:35

New Year, New You!

Have you had the chat yet? Your future life is waiting for you to get started. Smile

Breaking up is crap but you have so much to look forward to once you are over the hump. A better life is out there.

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