Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

[Minniemee]

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

Hi op I am a little late and just started reading your thread.

Firstly wow well done for breaking free and how his true colours have been shown.

The likelihood what he is saying he won’t follow up on ... I had an ex that threatens to poison my dog, make everyone hate me, share private pictures , burn my car ... even burn my friends caravan ( who helped me escape the relationship )

He never managed to do any of it. He did try to commit suicide but very loudly with paracetamol and vodka and kept calling me at work , I called his mum and his best mate ( his mum was aware and there ) and told them to deal with it ... he wasn’t successful thankfully and although his dad called my house to ask me to see him in hospital I refused .. as the moment I would give in. I knew he had me back in his clutches.

This guy cheated on me with many women and a few men for good measure.

I don’t wish him ill he was messed up and it was a lot of years ago now but he would have taken me down a bad road.

You are right to contact the police though as he is very persistent... don’t worry about what your new guy thinks ... if it scares him off then he is not for you... you come with this baggage through little fault of your own.

I lived in fear of my ex for a good few years and would hold my now husbands hand out in case he saw us and did something ... but I didn’t walk alone he knew all and he supported me throughout, he let me heal in my own time and offered friendship
( we didn’t know each other before ) and a gentle courtship while I found out who I was after a traumatic relationship.

I owe him so much for his patience and understanding and the fantastic foundation we have many years on as husband and wife.

You need someone that works to make you happy and looks after you too, you don’t need a man to be happy.

And you won’t be happy until you know who you are on your own.

You will have your family I just had my first baby at 35 years honestly one attempt
And I was pregnant! You are still very young and there is no rush!

Work on having a balance of friends and boyfriend in life take it slow and look after yourself.

Interested to see what the police say... even if they just have a quiet word with him.

Also change your number ... call your provider and change your email ... you don’t need to hear from him x

He won’t ruin your new found happiness because you know what to do and you are emotionally and physically in control of the situation.

Visualise him as a dirty blue bottle buzzing around your lovely new picnic of a life - you just need to swat him away firmly and instantly by sorting police/security/friends and family - and then get back to the picnic quickly. Erase him from your mind.

Are you having counselling?

The momeumemtal wank bastard! He’s panicking and trying every game in the book to get you back under his power!

Ha!

He doesn’t know how bloody strong you are!!

@Thehop thank you so much- I am so much stronger now. I read that very first message I put on this thread when I created it on Boxing Day and I can't even believe I was that person. I am stronger, happier and finally feel excited about life, single or not single.

@another20 I am currently having CBT which has been a great help

Middlrm Your story is wonderful and well done for getting through it. I understand that you want to soothe the OP - however you have no idea that he is unlikely to carry out his threats and statistics would prove you wrong - 1.2 million are victims of domestic abuse in the UK each year and 2 women are murdered each week by their partners or ex partners.

Yeah you are!!!!

You are successful in every way and he knows that. Sad little tosser back living with mummy and daddy that he is.

What a saddo.

Report him to the police let them deal with him, he’s only brave up against women.

Well done, OP! You have been so strong and come such a long way. God, your ex is really showing his true colours. What a cunt.

Agree with others: go to the police. They will have seen men like him before, and wil lbe able to advise you. Meantime, keep all the messages he has sent as proof. And block him everywhere if you haven't already.

Another20

Maybe your right and I am a little naive hence good idea to still report to police, I was a victim of abuse emotional and sins physical with my ex that’s why I split with him after being together 3 years engaged and about to move in with each other I realised if I stayed with him I would prob end up dead

. but once I broke free it was clear he was a coward really and once he lost his power he wasn’t as all powerful as I thought ... not everyone is as lucky as me.

I've reported him to the police tonight. They are coming round to take a statement and see the messages tomorrow.

Thanks for all your help and advice ladies.

Good. Sleep well OP.

Op having just read your whole thread, l treally think you have dodged a bullet, it is very lucky you saw who he really is before you married him or had a baby with him....

Please take the stalking seriously, always , always let someone reliable know where you are meant to be at any given time, and have safety nets in place for as many scenarios as possible, for example what would you do if you come home one evening and he just appears?

I say this as someone whose been stalked and it escalated dangerously very fast, l was very, very lucky to get away. We always think it couldn't be OUR partner to behave like that but sadly it can, and he has now shown his true nature so never forget that.

On a practical note have you thought of getting a female lodger for company, ?
some of the best times of my life have been when l was sharing my flat...
Choose your lodger carefully and you can have a friend to hang out with, go out with, and chill with on Sunday nights.

'really' not treally!

Well done Minniemee - the police are taking this very seriously. As others have said - tell everyone about this, be alert, have a plan and step up your security......then put it behind you and keep looking forward to your future and fully enjoy the attentions of the guy at the gym. Don’t let looser take anymore from you.

Agree a lodger might be an option - maybe just someone short term for a few weeks / months like a foreign language student or someone on a short contract / secondment who only need somewhere Mon to Fri.

At least now you know 1000000% you’ve dodged a massive bullet. You’ll be ok, hopefully the police being involved will scare him off!

How are you doing Minniemee?

@another20 I'm doing really well, thank you so much for asking. I went to the police station and gave them all copies of messages. They told me that they would arrest him for harassment if I decided to press charges, so instead I filed the complaint with the evidence on the agreement if he contacted me again then I would press charges. Despite everything I don't want him to lose his job, I just wanted him to leave me alone. They also put a marker on my house so if he arrives I am to call 999 and they will blue light straight out.

I've not heard a thing from him for a week, although he is blocked off any form of contact such as emails etc. Fingers crossed he's given to!

Things are going really well with gym guy.. just taking it slowly but he makes me feel amazing- something I never felt before. But equally I know if things didn't work out, I'd still be just as happy X

Wow they have taken it really seriously. Well done to you for seeing it through. I hope that you feel more secure now. Does he know that you have been in touch with the police - or have they warned him?

Great news about gym guy - good for you. But realise that is what is making loser xBF kick off - jealousy, power and control - not any unrequited love for you. Are the police aware that there is a new man on the scene - as that is an added risk factor to you.

What an amazing update. Such a turnaround from the first post. Glad police are taking it seriously.

@Minniemee
So proud of you!
Hope Mr Gym makes you very happy!!

You don’t love him. It’s something else, but not love. Can you imagine how depressing it would be if this was love? You still have that to look forward to, so go out and find it. This man is trash, and treats you the same. You can do better, but you can’t be available to opportunity if you have your attention on this scum bag.

Also, have a good long think about why you were willing to put up with all this BS? Perhaps your childhood experiences? A discerning and virtuous man worthy of your love will have questions about your past relationships, and if you haven’t processed them, he’s unlikely to want to either.

Whoops! Thought this was fresh. Glad to read you’re rid of scum guy.

Glad to hear that things are moving in the right direction!