Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

[Minniemee]

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

I ended up taking his parents to London for new year and I'm glad I did as it was lovely to see their faces, but as we stood watching the fireworks at midnight there was no holding my hand or hugging me as we counted down and I just felt so utterly hopeless 😔

I still haven't plucked up the courage to have the chat yet as I'm afraid of suddenly having no one- I even tried to look through his phone when we were away in the hope of finding a message/picture to another girl so it would be an easier way of saying get out, but I didn't find anything.

I know that you probably all thinking I'm pathetic and I have no backbone and I know my heart is ruling my head on something that isn't there. I feel so hopeless at the minute, each morning I wake up and feel ok for a few seconds until my heart just plummets and I go back to feeling useless again. I'm worried this hopelessness will only feel worse if I'm on my own. Going to try and make an appointment with my doctor today as I just don't know where to turn.

Thank you so much for checking up on me X

You're feeling sad because you know your relationship has run out of steam and you're already grieving that. Things are unlikely to get magically better and I'm guessing there isn't actually anything wrong with you that a Dr can help with.

You do have a backbone, you are not pathetic - you have achieved a lot career wise and financially.

You also know - as you feel it in your gut - that this ”relationship” is doomed.So these are all positives and mean that you have emotionally exited the relationship - it may take a few days for you to acknowledge that feeling and then get to the point where you can get an exit strategy in place.

But you will get there. Put in the ground work for your new life - start contacting old friends, join some new clubs, plan a holiday etc. You need to update the fantasy of “love” you have for him - because love is a two way street and he isn’t giving you any. Each day you are with him will erode your confidence further and will start to impact your job etc. It is also wasting time and keeping you from finding that great guy who will be the father of your future children.

You are the loneliest that you will ever be right now inside this “relationship”.

You don’t need to wait to find evidence of an affair to end it - you can decide as a grown woman that this is not for you.

Take one small step today - contact some old friends for a one on one - lots of people reconect with old friends and colleagues in the New Year - so it won’t be unusual.

What are your expectations of your GP?

Your life will be infinitely better once you kick this cocklodger to the kerb.

If you're really struggling to end it, get the locks changed?

You seem like an absolute sweetheart, I hope you find your way out of this

OP, I broke up with my useless ex at 28 and was terrified I wouldn't meet anyone else and would be alone forever. It was awful. But actually being single was SO much better than being with him. I rediscovered who I was, I made friends, I got a new job, I started new hobbies, I felt free and young and happy.

And then 32 I was married to an amazing man who is the absolute love of my life, living in the house we had bought together and pregnant with our first baby. Things move fast when you find the right person.

Don't be afraid of being alone. Being alone is infinitely preferable to being with someone who treats you like crap.

I go back to feeling useless again

The relationship is making you feel this way. You will feel so proud of yourself when you bin him - you will have shown you are worth more.

I really hope you can find the strength to end it, and soon. Looking at it from the outside it is very clear, you have two choices. You can stay in this relationship, and guarantee yourself a miserable and insecure future. You could end it, and have a good chance of being happily single, or meeting someone who is the kind of person you deserve, and wants the future you do. I hope you choose the second option, even if it does mean the short term will be more difficult.

You want children and a family life with Mr Broke and Shady.

On top of that, given that he is certainly no prize, he doesn't even want you really.

There's no magic wand to change him into Mr Perfect.

You've had some good advice on this thread so hopefully it will help

He will not change. He will not change. He will not change. He will not change.

Look after yourself the way you have looked after your finances so far. With intelligence and foresight. Don't invest when the odds are clearly stacked against you. Put that emotional stuff aside - it passes - lead with your brain.

I wish I'd have realised that when I was young, That the love stuff is often addictive bullshit, not reality. Instead I wasted most of my life on a man who always had one foot out of the door.

Get smart. Be smart. Remain smart. It will pay off in the long run.

OP take away his awful behaviour (the fact he's erased photos of both of you, screams of OW) gambling, lies and debt. You want marriage and children, he doesn't. Think of it this way, if you stay with him, you know that you will never have it. If you strike out on your own then you may find someone who loves, wants and respects you and wants to be with you and build a life and family with you.

Remember staying with him you are committing to sacrificing all that.

You've lived and worked abroad which is a damn sight scarier than living alone.

He's a liar, a gambler and a cheat and he has no interest in the kind of future that you want.

He makes you miserable, unhappy and feeling 'hopeless'.

But you love him and want more than anything for this to work?

How exactly do you think that is going to happen?

Go and google love addiction - you don't love this man you love the idea of him. He's not worth your time let alone anything else. Get him out of your house, your life, your head and fill your life with real people who make you feel good.

I also think you need a therapist asap. That feeling - of being afraid of being alone - is at the core of why you can't (at this point in your life) look after your own best interests. The trick is to accept the feelings of fear and pain, even if you feel they may overwhelm you. Stay still with them, accept the loss and disappointment and emptiness - it's the fighting and avoiding of terrible feelings that cause us to do self harm, like staying with a horrible man, not the feelings themselves.

Deep breadth. And as a good pal said to me when my 20 year relationship finally collapsed. COURAGE MY FRIEND. COURAGE.

You're alone now, you will always be alone if you stay in this relationship, and on top of that, your mental health will get worse and worse.

But you could free yourself to find a decent man, one who will love you and want to grow old with you. And until you find him, you can learn to love yourself, and enjoy your own company, so you'll go into the next relationship in a healthier mindset.

It really is a no brainer.

Oh my, you have a law degree, moved to Dubai and worked for three years, have bought your own house and you're still in your twenties.

You can do way better than this guy, he's just using you for the accommodation, and until something better comes along. He is the problem and you will not be lonely.

Have the conversation. Tell him to fuck off, and then start the next chapter of your life. You can't waste it feeling miserable hoping this guy suddenly wants what you want. You have more going for you in your little finger than this gambling debt ridden liar and cheat.

Go for it. You've nothing to lose and only your happiness to gain.

Your worst fears may come true if you do nothing.
You know he's a cheat and will leave you eventually. What if this is in ten years time? Imagine you having missed the opportunity to meet someone else and have a child with that person? Imagine having spent the last ten years clinging on to the scraps that he gives you.

Now imagine pulling that sticking plaster off quickly. Short term pain for long term gain. It may take a while but you will be in a position to meet someone else who will make you really happy.

A shit relationship is not better than no relationship. It's really sad that you don't think you are worth more and are willing to put up with what you've already put up with let alone what is obviously going to come.

Please do some reading on self esteem. You really need to learn how to value yourself more. Perhaps some counselling? Not relationship counselling as that ship has sailed. counselling just for you.

@another20 I'm lucky enough to have private medical insurance through my job so I was going to see if I could go to see a GP to point me in the right direction of some counselling. I just feel like I don't know where else to turn.

I wish I had half the strength that some of you beautiful ladies on here do- in my career I am so confident and I really am proud of what I've achieved so far at 29- I moved to the other side of the world know knowing a single person so I could save money for a house and I'm now an assistant Headteacher at a great private school which I love, but it feels like that person is a different person to how I feel in myself. My confidence in myself is just non existent - my self esteem just makes me think if he doesn't want marriage and kids with me there's obviously something wrong with me and that's why he's looking elsewhere and that I'm never going to find anyone who wants that with me.

He will be like this whoever he's with. IT'S NOT YOU!

Yes, get some counselling, you need to learn to love yourself. But you also need to get rid of him, or otherwise he'll keep dragging you down with him.

@Motoko I know, I need some help thank you x

What was your confidence like before you became involved with this guy?

You feel so awful every morning because you have this hanging over you. You need to ditch him and get rid. Life will be tough and hard for a bit but one day you’ll look back on this and think ‘thank god’.

Joining a netball team was a great idea. Would you ever consider an evening Pilates/yoga class once per week as although you’ll be unlikely to make friends it will do wonders for your mental health (plus you won’t be alone in the evening).

Good luck OP, stop beating yourself up. You can do this. .

I read something today which really stuck.

‘If the status quo is worse than the fallout, then it’s time to take action.’

If you stay, you will be miserable for ever. You will be with a man who obviously doesn’t like you, or respect you and your self worth will get even worse then it already is.

If you go, you MAYBE alone. But what you also have is the real possibility of finding someone who absolutely adores you.

Status quo- the same as what you have and misery
Action- a real chance of better.

Give yourself the chance of happiness this year.

You've achieved so much - great job, financially independent, adventurous lifestyle. I can think of just one single reason why you might be lacking self-esteem, and I reckon you can guess who it is.

When I broke up with my ex, I was forced by necessity to go out and make more friends, and do more activities, and so that's what I did. I wish I'd done it earlier. You shouldn't be relying on this bloke, whether you break up or not.

I've been you OP. The bloke is a loser and a waster of space and you will never ever have a happy contended and fulfilled life with him. What do you love ? what IS there to love ? Please get out. Use some of your money that's no longer supporting him to get a decent therapist and work on your self esteem. I promise it will be worth it. In a couple of years you will be in a good space to meet a man who is worthy of your love and who will love and cherish you as you richly deserve.