Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

[Minniemee]

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

If a friend came to you and said this was her relationship, what would you tell her?
You're almost there, be rid of him for 2019.

What are you doing with this grade A loser? Really? You are mistaking love for reliance and the effects of low self esteem.
I was with someone like this on and off for c. 7years. Finally escaped and my self esteem, success in life and happiness soared ever since. It took about 12 months of doubting my decision but I went full NC and blocked him and his friends on everything.
You CAN do this. You need to do this.
WE are about to enter a brand new year, it's full of hope and possibilities for you to step up and live the life you deserve.
Make 2019 the year you ditch this fuckwit and move onwards and upwards.
You can do this!

I suspect you are quite lonely already. He's not a good partner and you are having to manage his issues and hold it together for yourself.

The cohabitation agreement was a wise move - I think you've known for a long time that he isn't somebody you can rely upon. Why would you want to stick with a man you already distrust?

I left an unreliable man when I was 29. It was lonely, I'm not going to sugar coat it. But I weathered it and made a whole new life for myself. Don't settle out of fear of the unknown. It's never as bad as you imagine - and a whole lot better than second guessing a cheat and a liar. Imagine how you want Christmas 2019 to be and work towards that.

I would bet good money if you ask him to leave you will get a proposal.

Not because he wants to marry you but to shut you up so he can carry on his normal cushy life.

There would then be numerous excuses why it can't happen for the next 5/10 years because he wants it to be perfect and can't afford to give you what you 'deserve'.

Do a pros and cons list about him. It can often help you to see things objectively. You say you love him but work out if you do really or if it’s fear of being alone that’s keeping you with him. Does he love you or are you just a comfortable convenience until a better offer comes along.

As he’s cheated in the past, personally I wouldn’t trust him. Why did you forgive him last time?

It’s good that you’ve said how you feel before Christmas. Now you need to talk again.

The other ladies have said it all - get rid, don't think about the future right now.
Ask yourself why your self esteem is so very low that you are crying about the loss of a gambler, a cheat and a man who brings no happiness to your life.
Think about going for counselling to sort this out.

The good thing is that has shown you he won't give you what you want and need in time for you to get out and find these things with someone else.

The bad thing is that he can clearly see he's on to a good thing with you (evidenced by his backtracking when you starting talking about splitting), which means he may not be easy to get rid of.

But others are right. You are a catch, and if you get rid of this man there will be someone much better for you. Please don't throw your life away on him.

I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely-
This
Sort this out now or you'll always be reliant on a man. Think about what being alone means to you - for many it means freedom, peace of mind, ability to indulge in hobbies and interests. Learn to enjoy time on your own. Re-connect with old friends, start new hobbies. Create your own happiness. Once you get rid of this loser, you'll be free to meet someone who wants the same things you do.

He's seeing someone else, I'm afraid. Get rid of him and work on yourself. I guarantee that your future self will thank you for it. Do it today!

You'll look back on things a year from now and be so glad you did.

Minimee the only reason he backtracked is because he has his cake and is eating it. He can gamble, sleep around and there's no consequence because you're providing the roof over your heads. You're probably providing an illusion of respectability for him to his family too making his life easier all round.

You are infinitely better off by yourself than with a leech of a man who isn't even clever enough to hide his bad behaviour properly.

Kick him to the kerb, pack all his stuff and change the locks.

For a bit you'll feel lost/lonely. That's normal. But you are only 29, make a list of all the things you want to try and start working through it. You might find some kindred spirits to form friendships with in the process.

Your first step to finding someone worthy of sharing your life with and creating a family with is to get rid of the toxic boyfriend ASAP.

I believe the word here lovely OP is ‘loser’ , you had saddled yourself with a loser. You are worth way way more than that. Kick his arse to the curb ASAP and do yourself one massive favour, no need to be lonely, you are single, don’t have kids, join stuff, lots of it!!

OP I was you - same age and all coincidentally. Had been in a relationship for 4years. Got a funny feeling and couldn't pin it down. Partner was being distant and not his usual self. Finally occurred to me he wasn't "in" the relationship. I confronted him, a mass of tears and he agreed. I told him to pack his crap and be gone by the time I got back. I'd planned to see a friend and go to the coast for the day, so went and did that. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but as I said to him, it was not fair on me to come home to my house and not know where I stood. If he didn't know, then he could leave.

He sponged off me for 4 years. I was a fool and let him because I loved him. Know better now...

OP you sound like a sweet, caring, clever woman. I suspect this relationship has eroded your self confidence. Believe me, no boyfriend is actually much better than one who makes you feel sad, lonely or unappreciated.
Start the new year without him, get out and make some new friends and have some fun.

Kick him out! You have the advantage, at least you own your own home. He's just a cocklodger extrodinaire!

Again I cannot thank all you ladies enough for your supportive and caring comments. I know what I need to do, I just need to bring myself to do it now, haven't a clue how to approach it. We are supposed to be taking his parents to London for New Years as they have never been. I really don't want to let them down as I know they have been looking forward to it. Do I just keep it all until we get back on the 2nd?

No ... end it now ... it will be too hard and stressful for you .
Re his parents - he or others can take them either this year or another time .
It is not something you need to do now given the circumstances. Do not feel guilty about this - your primary job now is to take care of yourself...

Never make decisions or live your life in FOG - fear, obligation or guilt......your gut is telling you to move on - only the toxic FOG is trapping you to him and his parents. You owe him/them nothing. You need your own clarity now to get out of this relationship and the emotional energy to reflect, change and grow so that you have the happy ever after and can see the red flags much sooner so that you never end up with a loser again. Good luck - get out ASAP. Be careful with your bank details, pins, etc as gamblers are thieves - he might well try to rinse you as punishment - if he hasn’t done so already. You might need some counselling - why have you no friends?

Nope, not your parents, not your problem. Why should you be unhappy to save other people's feelings? End it, preferably today. It'll be the best Christmas gift you ever give yourself.

Also, take careful note of what magoria said. He's going to try every trick in the book to get you to stay, because he likes having his dinner cooked, his pants washed, and his bills paid. You are doing all of those things, yes? Has he lifted a finger around the house in living memory? Did he get you anything worth giving for Christmas? Put any effort into hosting your families? No, I thought not. Those things alone would be worth leaving him over. So don't fall for the "ok let's get married... but have a loooooong engagement" line. Or any other line. Just throw the wankstain out and block his number.

Happy Christmas!

@another20 I moved to Dubai to work for 3 years to be able to save for a deposit for the house and I returned just over a year ago- in that time I managed to lose close contact with some friends as they settled down and had babies etc. I do have a handful of friends from university/at home who I know I can talk to, but not a 'group' of girlfriends to go out with and find things to do if that makes sense. I've contacted a netball team today to see if I can go along to a session after Christmas which hopefully will give me something to do.

Join Spice - a friendship group or look for similar in your area

Whilst you are with this loser you aren’t looking for anything else

Dump him

Hold your head up high

You may find your work friends start including you more when you’re single

I had someone like that, we didn't live together.

He wouldn't commit, I met someone else and have been with them for thirty fabulous years.

He never met anyone, well he met plenty but did the no commitment thing every time.

Rang me up the week before our wedding and asked me not to marry DH, I had been expecting this and asked what he was offering.

The silence down the phone line was deafening.

Thirty years on he is slightly on my radar, and through a group we were all part of I know he is deeply unhappy and lonely.

He too was crap with money and gambled.

Best days work I ever did, was getting rid.

JFDI

and do it now.

You can pick up old friendships easily - one to one - you don’t need a pack of girlfriends. You have achieved so much in your life - but you need to examine what happened in your childhood to let you think this relationship is love.

In answer to your question "What should I do?" I'd jump for joy I wasn't married to the bastard and skip around at the joyful thought that I hadn't been fool enough to have children with him.

You're young, stable, attractive and solvent. The world - including love and family - is out there for the taking. Don't waste any more time on this loser.

Like everyone else says OP, get rid of him ASAP. He'll break you and leave you with nothing if you let him. Be brave, you can do this.

Tell him now and don’t go to London. Assuming you’ve already paid your share for the treat for him and his parents they can still go. He can tell his parents the score. You can use that time to plan your itinerary for 2019!

Don’t rule out old friends too, you don’t need a group, can be nice just to see people 1:1, and sometimes that leads to being invited to group things.