Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

[Minniemee]

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

Not doubt he is lovebombing and future faking him - just so he can cocklodge with zero commitment to an adult life.

He did the same manipulative and abusive behaviours to you but you saw the light.

That Caribbean holiday may be one of those cheapo all-inclusive deals in the hurricane season, all high winds and loose bowels and he's going to be in even more debt This!! You are so well out of it.

Thanks so much ladies. You won't know how many times I keep reading this thread over and it gives me the strength to keep going xxx

In order to find somewhere to live, that isn't his parents (because they doesn't look good at his age), and that he doesn't have to pay for, he needs to find another woman.

So, that's what he's done. If he hasn't already, he'll be moving in to her place asap.

Yes, he's grooming another meal ticket woman to take over where you left off.

@Minniemee take it from a guy, he isn't worth your time :)

Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

Get rid of him :D lol.

there is better out there, don't settle for this nonsense from a man, :D

@Scorpvenus1
Have you read the thread?

In need of some words of wisdom again please.

For the last 3 days I have had a barrage of messages from the ex- he has got himself a new number and has used it to WhatsApp me. During these messages he sent, he told me that he would be watching the house and if he ever saw another male's car there then he would flip. I blocked his number.

He then text, saying that if this is how I wish to play it by blocking him, then he will play the game and he will win as he has pictures of me and he isn't afraid to send them. In his words 'it is in your best interests to talk to me'. I then blocked this number too.

He then found me on Twitter and proceeded to say that he didn't care who he needed to send these images to he would do it unless I spoke to him. Deleted my twitter account.

This morning, I've had an email from him to my email address begging me to talk to him and to ha s him back, that he can't believe I don't care after us living together and he doesn't want things to turn nasty.

What should I do? I'm frightened by the threats- can't think what images he has but also I have just started to get to know a guy from the gym who has been speaking to me. I really like him and feel like he makes me happy and I don't want my ex coming and messing it up. I feel that he has heard about it through the grapevine and that's why he's been like he has.

All of this, and it was him who booked the holiday with his new 'girlfriend!'

Please help

Call the police right now.

This is illegal - threatening, stalking and harassing behaviour.

He is dangerous. Well done on blocking him. The police will put a PIN on him.

Call the police. Tell them all this, what he is doing is illegal and dangerous.

Yep, time to call the police.

It looks like the woman he went on holiday with, has dumped his arse, so now he's trying to get back with you.

Ring 101, and speak to someone about it, tell them you're frightened. Do it today.

Thank you, I will call the police. Will this make him even worse though if they turn up at his house or will they just log it all incase something happens?

He has escalated his contact and repeated his threats. He is a getting worse already.
Police will take it very seriously and make it very clear to him what the consequences are if he contacts you again.

You need to button down all your security immediately. Does he have a key? Can you get CCTV? Can he see or get in though your windows? Can he call or email your work - can he hang about outside your work, home, gym? Can you alert family and friends that this is happening - so that any calls are intercepted. Block him on everything - expect something through the post.

Oh wow, he has really shown a horrible nasty side hasn't he. He is being a complete bully and I would also go to the police and they can give him a warning. I would not tell him in advance that you are doing this as you are opening contact with him,

Great advice above, I would also be telling people this is happening as well. You poor thing.

Reporting all this to the police is a must OP. He’s harassing you, stalking you and it’s also illegal for him the threaten or publish photos of you. He’ll find himself in very hot water. At the very least he’ll get himself a stern talking to and your house will also be watched, which is a good thing taking into consideration his state of mind at the moment

What an absolute asshole, definitely police! They will advise you on what you need to do to start a file on harassment, don’t contact him in any way. That is truly horrible and despicable, wtf does he think you’re going to say, ‘oh darling now you’ve sent me those vile threatening messages I can see I really DO love you’ eurgh.

@another20 that is what is so frightening as he knows everything about me. Where I work, what I do, all my bank details etc.

I've already replied to his email stating that if he attempts to contact me again I will go to the police with all the print screens as evidence, before I posted on here.. I'm frightened that if the police go to his parents house then he will just see red and then really come after me.

I can't believe he has turned like this. I've honestly had hundreds of messages these last three days just saying 'who is he' 'you'll never find someone like me who likes you, who would like you' and 'I'll be watching'. I can't believe I thought he was going to be the one to get married to and have children with!

If he ups the abuse then he will be arrested.

You have been amazing with your handle of things so far. Keep it up.

Definitely go to the police OP.
He has some cheek to be threatening you for moving on!

Your initial response to him not to contact you or you will call the police was correct - they would have told you to do that.

However once he has been told by you and continues to do it even once more he has crossed the line legally.

So you need the police now. You need your family and friends to be on the alert.

He sounds deranged. Make the call.

Tell the police everything. They'll advise you on all your concerns.

Have you changed all your bank details OP? Change passwords/pins on everything including your email password.

I'd also contact your bank and speak to them - consider changing your credit card/debit card in case he knows those details also and racks up expenditure on those.

Like another PP said above secure your home including changing all locks if you've not already done so. I'm unsure whether the police still do this but see if they can come round and review your security or at least recommend where you can go. CCTV or something like Ring doorbell (which helps you monitor people coming to your door via your mobile) may help also.

Whatever you do, however, don't do nothing as you will always be in tenterhooks at what he may do. Good luck OP - you are going through a tough time.

Thank you so much for all of your advice. I will call the police after work this evening and have no more contact with him at all.

I do have a ring camera so I'm able to see if he drives outside the house.

Do I tell the guy that I have met? I have shown him some of the messages regarding the 'I'll be watching the house' and he said if ex ever turns up just call him and he will be straight round, he was disgusted. However to tell him I've gone to the police about him might scare him off ☹️

I hate how despite all his lies, disgusting behaviour, him finding a new girl and booking a holiday and publicising it everywhere for me to see, I have remained dignified, yet now I really do feel the beginnings of truly being happy he's still going to be able to ruin it

I don’t think you need to tell the new guy at this point. Hopefully things will be dealt with swiftly once the police are involved. Make sure you also change any security questions to your emails etc to something he can’t guess as he may try and hack you.