Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

[Minniemee]

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

OP, let him take his DP to London. They're his parents.
You find yourself a friend to go out with. Message a few of your old friends....see if anyone is free to go out. I'll bet someone takes you up on the invitation. Failing that get some champagne and a fabulous feast for one, plan a movie or two. And count your blessings.
You sound just lovely. X

TBH if I had a friend with a partner like this I'm not sure how much effort I'd make to hang out with them either. I'd bet that if you sent out a message saying "have split with DickHead, would love to get back in touch" your old friends would be biting your hand off.

You are definitely not weak and pathetic

I am sorry to say this but he might be working on his exit strategy, lining the next sucker up.

If it was me I would want to take back all the control and power. You are at the right age to still travel and enjoy your life and meet the right man for you who would have no hesitation in wanting to spend the rest of his life with you.

Time to move on before you waste any more time on him.

You could always find reasons to put this off again and again, you may have a lovely new years and get all sentimental and think it's not so bad, Can you see yourself with him in 5, 10, 40 years time? Putting up with his cheating and gambling? If not, why bother wasting your time if you are only going to have to do it in the future, when you have wasted even more of your life. Learn how to live alone and enjoy your own company, don't rely on others to make you happy.

You don’t have a boyfriend, you have a parasite. Scrape him off sharpish.

Don't go to London. It sounds as though you like his parents, so you can afford to write them a nice letter saying that you won't be coming with them as the relationship has ended. Don't say it's ended because you wanted further commitment. Surely when you weigh it up in the cold light of day you don't want to be with this man.

It's a great idea to join a netball club - what about a running club as well? Both will get you out of the house and help you make new friends.

He doesn't want to be married to you. He doesn't want to have kids with you. He does want to live in your house, spend your cash and use you as a safety net whilst stopping you getting on with meeting the type of person you deserve.

Do it quick, like a plaster. Tell his mum and dad to go on the trip and to take him back to theirs after. If you put it off it'll drag it out for longer, and it's all at your cost.

Good luck OP.

Christ OP, do yourself a favour and kick him out before New Year. He sounds like the ultimate loser - a cheat, a gambler and a liar.

Why on earth would you want to be with him???

Staying in a relationship for fear of being lonely is a ridiculous reason for being in one, you say you love him, what do you love about him and what does he bring to your life, have you asked yourself that?

Definitely end it now. Otherwise you have to lie to his parents then dump him the next day. But then you'll think to wait a week. Then there will be another "reason" to not break up today or tomorrow until you find yourself at 45, no kids, no money, no mates, a shell of your former self.

Get rid today. He has nice parents. He is lucky. They can help him get over it.

Of course you are strong enough.

I've been where you are and two things that helped me were:

1. I wrote the 'breakup script' on a piece of paper in case I forgot the words due to nerves (I didn't forget, probably because I knew I had the backup!)

2. I applied the 'broken record script': every time he tried to argue or convince me to not break up with him, I repeated myself. Over and over until he got it.

I predict some or all of the following

A proposal
A promise to give up gambling
A suggestion that you take control of his money
Saying he has depression/anxiety/some other MH issue, which means he can be a prize twat and you can do nothing about it except suppory him.
Accusations of you having an affair
Statements that you are a stuck up heartless cow.
Saying he has nowhere to go.
Threats of suicide.
A huge amount of me, me, me. I want, I need, I must have. Very little about what is best for you.

Be ready.

What Rabbit says!

It is your house - ask him to leave.

I cannot imagine how you did not work out what a loser he is until you had moved in together.

You do not need this rubbish in your life; and you deserve to have a good future - which you will not have with this man.

Don't go to London. They are his parents, he can still take them. Get rid before new year then get on with having an amazing life. You can do it!

I got him to sign a cohabitation agreement stating he has no financial claim on the house!
Which would be null and void if you got married.
Then he'd either risk your security through his gambling or if you split the starting point for dividing marital assets would be 50% - no matter who contributed what.
As for having kids with him, you were actually thinking of relying on him to support you financially re maternity leave/being a SAHP?

You're choosing to stay with him out of fear of the unknown.
Never a good idea.

You are doing great to have your own house in your 20s. You have a good career, you are still very young. You don't need this loser in your life! Get rid asap! You will meet new friends and a new man, a much better one. Don't settle for this cheating, lying, addict. You can do so much better. Get out and about in the NY and enjoy your life without this tosser!

Get rid of the cocklodging loser. Then put all.your effort into building up a good support network. Loads of people, me included, have relocated and had to build new networks. It is hard work but can be tremendous fun and incredibly rewarding in the end.

Don't write off your old mates. Having children does not make you stop being yourself. If you liked those friends before then you'll like each other now. You'll just have different ways of meeting up because they've got new constraints.

The thing is, whilst you're relying on him for company, you're less likely to make the effort to build your own social life.

My first thought was that he is cheating again. I cannot think of any other reason he would change his PIN, and delete all photo's of you together on social media. On top of that, he's telling you to your face that he does not want to marry you or have kids.

You are 29. You are young enough to let him go, and find someone else who doesn't think cheating is ok, and who worships you so much that they can't wait to put a ring on your finger and give you all that you desire.

And as if the above faults aren't enough, he hasn't got a pot to piss in.

Honestly, you can do SO much better.

If you need proof of cheating, ask to use his phone. "Forget" to take yours the next time you go out. Ask for his PIN. Having cheated in the past, he should be entirely transparent at this point.

Alternatively, you could do absolutely nothing. And at age 39, be unmarried, without children and cohabiting with a cheat who has no money. Same at age 49, 59, 69 etc. Fuck that.

Rabbits list is fab. Some more suggestions for you to look out for:

A suggestion that you go to counseling together (for you to arrange of course).
A list of the things you do wrong that make his behaviour your fault.
Refusal to leave.
A list of unexpected things that you owe him money for.

CottonTailRabbit's list is great.

When I dumped my ex, I got a lot of stuff off that list, including the proposal he wasn't bothered about for the previous 30 years (yes, I was a total mug). Suddenly, I'm the only person he's ever loved, even now, 16 months after I left. Nope, I'm not putting me or the DCs through that behaviour from him again.

Don't take his DP to London, let him do that with the OW I suspect he has. When you suggested it was over in that talk you had, he backtracked because he doesn't want to lose his cushy number.

I would sit him down and talk to him tonight. Be very firm and clear that since he doesn’t want to commit you want him to move out. Give him maybe a week to do so. Don’t take his parents out, maybe tell them you’ve ended it with him.

Tell your own parents you have split up as well to make sure they understand and can support you if need be.

Could you maybe reconnect with old friends, just send them a quick message to see how they are? It can be lonely having young kids and often they will be keen to have friends who are up for nights out or childfree time, or you can see them with their kids, it can be fun!

Hope all went as well as it could, OP.

I still haven't had the conversation with him yet @RollsEyes .. I went to see my best friend who lives about an hour away and stay with her and her husband for a couple of days just so I could get everything straight in my mind. I know I need to be brave but I just don't know how I can say I want you to leave as I just know he will cry and beg and say all those things some of you wonderful ladies say he will and then I'll want to believe it. I'm going to do it this weekend.