Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

[Minniemee]

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

Makes you wonder what lover boy's got going for him?

Incredible looks ? Large manhood?

Whatever it is, the OP is clearly prepared to overlook some major character flaws to keep him hanging around.

A clear case of whatever floats your boat.

Move on, start some sort of hobby, start making friends and getting a decent circle of people around you - have a bit of fun!
You don't need this excuse for a man - he's no good

OP, you say you're worried about being lonely. Well, you sound lonely now. He has nothing to offer you. He doesn't want commitment. You're convenient.
Believe him when he tells you he doesn't want marriage or children. What he's saying is he doesn't want that with you.
Tell him to go. He will either grow as a person or move onto the next victim.
You're young....go be happy x

Dear OP, you will never be lonely. Thankfully you put your study of the law into practice when it came to this so called boyfriend. Welldone for covering every loophole. Now show him the direction of the exit door. How on earth would you want to be with a man who clearly knows you'd want kids and commitment ( marriage) in the future, and now telling you he isn't interested in any of those. Does he even work other than living a life of freebies thanks to your hard earned cash. In this case, I'd rather be alone than be unhappy. Get rid asap! You're worth so much more.

It's not my ExH is it?! Sounds frighteningly similarity's what he did. He's an Ex for a reason. Definitely get rid x

It’ll be far easier to live on your own, living with this man would scare the shit out of anyone. Gambling other woman, payday loans debts, what next ? Bailiff on the door or worse

Nothing lonlier than being stuck in a relationship with someone not that interested.

You won’t change him. Boot him out before he runs up debts at your address (will affect your credit rating even if not you). It sounds as if he is cheating again anyway.

Then work on liking & valuing yourself.

Have some fun on a dating app if you feel lonely at first. You may male some good friends, get a self esteem boost and if nothing else it’s a distraction. The first couple of weeks after a break up can be bad but it soon gets so much better.

Does he see any of this coming, OP?

You are 29? You really need the sack this pathetic loser off now, so you are free to meet a decent man who will be at your side while you achieve your goals.

Loving him isn’t a good reason to stay when he has treated you this way AND gambles. And he is very unlikely to change.

Loneliness is hard, but you’re already in pain / lonely with him. And there is lots you can do to catch up with friends and family or meet new people.

You are way way out of his league. Ditch him, join some clubs/gym/choir/whatever floats your boat, get yourself on a dating app, and within a few months you’ll barely remember this losers name.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29).

Where on the spectrum of worry does never being with the right person or having children fall? Higher or lower than the above?

Stay with him and best case scenario the relationship fails and you meet someone else but it's too late to have children. Worst case scenario you stay together forever, you never have children and he repeatedly cheats on you, gambles and lies for the rest of your days. It would all be such a sad story and sounds exhausting to me.

It's time to move on. Somehow. Time to start making some new friends and putting yourself out there.

You sound like you have so much going for you. This bloke seems to have zero attributes- he must think he’s landed on his feet!

Please listen to the wise posters here. You can do so much better. And at 29 you still have the world at your feet.

Make him move out. I'm cross on your behalf. You can do so much better than him. There are other men who would love to commit to you and who would also be kind, respectful, faithful.

From your own perspective, try to think about why you want to save a man who gives you so little and treats you badly? You can do so much better

I think I was married to your DP!!!

He won't change, I can promise you that. I finally had the courage to throw him out (of my house) when he started stealing from me, so he could gamble.

My mental health improved hugely once he had gone, which in turn helped my self-esteem, which gave me more confidence. I had a fab set of friends, which means I'm not lonely.

There is only 1 way for you to feel better, not be lonely and be happy - get rid.

You're living someone who is not treasuring you in return. He's not bothered about a future with you. Has gambling problems. Looks like he's got someone else on the side.

Love YOURSELF. You are worth more than remaining with a lie of a life.

@TheLittleDogLaughed I spoke about everything to him the day before Xmas eve as I just couldn't hold it in anymore and that's when he said he didn't know if he wanted to get married/have kids and that me hinting to him showing him all my friends that are getting engaged isn't working. Then when I said to him that means we must be over he then backtracked and said he still loved me, he just meant to met yet etc.. he then asked for us just to have a nice Christmas together without all this and as I was cooking for both our families I agreed to put on a brave face. The fake smile just keeps slipping through the tears as the days go on though. So he does know how I feel about things.

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is leave him and kick him out. There is another life out there waiting for you, with potential kind lovely man and future children.

You’re flogging a dead horse.

This guy is a loser, a cheat, a liar.

You, on the other hand, sound lovely.

I bet your self esteem would soar if you dumped him.

I’d start by socialising and meeting friends. Join a club - church, board games, running, whatever floats your boat. Meet some like-minded people. Have some fun.

You’re only 29! You have all your life ahead of you. You deserve so much more.

I think the scary things are the unknown. I think once he leaves you will cope amazingly. You deserve someone who respects you and works on the relationship with you - an equal. He sounds like he is coasting on your abilities and successes.

Please tell him to go.

I’m sorry that you are so upset right now .
It’s always tough at the end of a relationship and the fear of the unknown re what will happen next is overwhelming.
However you are very bright and capable.... leave him and I promise there will be a better life out there in time .... be kind to yourself and congratulate yourself on your achievements so far .
You deserve better from a partner - someone who enhances your life and makes you feel better not someone who is draining you .
Stay single for a while , make friends that you can laugh with and in time you will meet someone worthy of you .

Take care

When you do show him the door I bet anything he proposes. Do not fall for it. He will just be panicking that you have the upper hand.

So to recap:

He is a consistent liar
He's cheated on you
He doesn't pay his own way
He has now declared that he doesn't want to get married or have kids knowing that you very much do
He is currently showing classic signs of cheating; being secretive with his phone, deleting all evidence of you from his social media.

I can't see anything good in this relationship for you. Sorry but feeling lonely is not a good reason to put up with all of the above. You can feel lonely surrounded by people. There will be times in your future when you will feel lonely. We all do at times, it is part of life. Being comfortable on your own is a feeling you need to master. It is currently forcing you to put up with a man who is clearly not good enough for you.

He's a liar and a cheat and not worth your time.

Putting all that aside (although, it's enough in itself to end things) when a man says he's not sure about commitment - marriage and children - believe him. You can't force a man to marry you but you have every right to walk away from a relationship if your'e not getting what you want (marriage). I think this is something too few women understand - they are so busy trying not to "force" their DP to marry them that they forget that in effect their DPs are forcing them to live a life they don't want. I know only ONE person (because I've seen this happen to men and women) who waited and eventually got the ring and the children. In every other case, it either fell apart (because he eventually ended it) or they drifted for years and one day the person woke up and realised the opportunity for marriage and children was gone.