Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

[Minniemee]

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

@TowelNumber42 no I didn't see him. I sent him a long message explaining why I wasn't going to see him and that it was over even if he writes empty messages saying how he loves me and that my mum would drop his things to his in the week- then I deleted his number.

Im quiet because I've eaten a whole tub of Ben and Jerry's, watched a sad film and cried a lot. But I didn't cave and tomorrow I am going to speak to the site manager of the development (I live in a new build) and ask him to change the lock for me.

When does this get easier?!

Yes, it does. Ice cream definitely helps. So does shedding tears. It's all part of the process.

There was a great line in the movie 'Tootsie': one character had a breakup and the other was saying "Oh don't cry, etc etc" and she answered "Don't tell me how to feel. I'm going to feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore". It's kinda like that. You'll feel sad, and then you'll notice that you don't feel quite so sad, then you'll notice that you don't feel sad at all! But it will be on your timetable.

My only suggestion is to keep busy, even if it's with mindless tasks and crap TV.

That's a great quote. Across.

I think you are doing really well. You've taken charge and are not letting him suck you back in. Well done.

Well done! It will get easier. A lot easier.

You've made it through a hard weekend OP well done.

Glad you have got a plan re the locks...it's an important step. It will get better and in the meantime at least you have faced facts and stood up for you.

There's a lot of support for you here. Take care.

Well done. You will feel shit to start with, but then one day, you'll realise that you haven't thought about him in a while, and then you'll know you're over him (or rather, the dream of the "nice" him).

Minnie keep re-reading this thread start to finish - you will see the big picture again and see words that helped you get to your decision to end it with him to have the future you deserve. Some posts may not have stuck when you read in your initial state of distress - but may resonate more strongly now.

I am glad he didn’t apologise or promise to change - because that would have reeled you in more to a discussion/debate.....it would all be false but you might have believed that he had your needs on his mind. These texts show he has ZERO concern for you.

Don’t give him any airtime - block him - because everytime he makes contact, even if you don’t respond, it will destabilise, hurts and preoccupy you as you turn it over and over in your mind.....and drag you back emotionally when you are making significant strides towards your fabulous new life.

Have you got some support in RL to manage the logistics of his stuff - could you leave it in a friends or family members garage / shed so that he has to liaise directly with them?

Do be prepared for this to escalate and ready to protect yourself emotionally - block and delete. You can do this.

Expect letters/gifts/flowers to arrive at your home and or work - do not open and read - it will hurt and hold you back - bin immediately. Also he may try to contact your fiends and family. I would also ensure that any credit cards, bank accounts etc were safe (change pins?) - anything to do with money is at risk.

Sending the long message to him was not a great idea - it just gives him info/insight for another way in to engage with you again to get what he wants.

Well done Minnie, keep being strong
Just remember he didn't "love you babe"", when he was cheating & wiping your pictures from fb.
Its not him you miss, it's the promise of a settled loving family. It wasn't going to happen with him ever

Just when I thought my brain couldn't think about anything else, had an email from a previous Headteacher I worked with today asking if I would consider a deputy head post in Shanghai. Should I go? Would I be running away? It seems so tempting right now to get away from all of this but am I in the right frame of mind to make such a decision? Moving to Dubai was an easy decision as I was early twenties, single and didn't have a house. I'm now almost 30

Go! Go go go! How fabulous!!!!!!!

Rent your house out. Go! What an amazing opportunity! This past it old Mum feels very envious!

What an amazing opportunity and the perfect time for you to go!! Who cares if you are running away or running towards your new life

Yes! This is serendipity at work! Fresh start, an exciting new place, full of other expats happy to make a fresh face welcome - I can’t think of a better way to recover. And you don’t have to go forever - how long would you have to commit to?

Wow go and explore that option - then decide where you would love to go and proactively look at opportunities there. I have lots of friends who are doing this right now and loving it.......even if you decide not to go in the end it would be an exciting distraction for the next few months !

Imagine if you had this loser still with you - what you do ? Take him with you .... uuurgghh ....

Do it OP!

What on Earth are you running away from? Feeling shit? Being lonely? A massive, selfish, uncaring asshole? GET ON THAT PLANE!!!

I would have to sign a two year contract for visa reasons. My worry is, I wouldn't want to stay there forever so what if I go for two years then am I putting off settling down until 32/33 when I get back and more of a fear I won't find anyone.. head is all over the place! X

I didn't meet dh until I was 36! Now happily married and have a 5 year old.

Ask her when she needs to know by, then do your research, before making a decision. Speak to letting agents about renting out your house, and your mortgage company.

You might meet someone out there who you end up settling down with. Distance will be good for you.

Stop looking to settle down. Get out there and live your life. You’ll find someone on your travels. Opportunities like this should be grabbed with both hands. Your future is knocking on your door - don’t ignore it!

Go for it. There are men in Shanghai, hunners of the buggers!

Op, many of us o here have sadly lived with a guy similar to your bf. Yet, for those of us who have kicked their sorry asses out, we have never regretted it.
He’s getting in the way of your dreams. At what cost?
Whenever did you dream of being with a guy like him?
Men like him don’t just steal your dreams. They suck the life out of you, your self worth, your belief, confidence, faith in relationships.
Tell him NO MORE. Don’t listen to his excuses. Men like him can manipulate. They are continually looking for ‘the one’.
Possibly, he’s resentful of you for getting him to sign a legal agreement. Tough titties. It’s not your fault he’s pissing his life up the wall. Just don’t let him piss yours up the wall too.

Of course you’re worth a lot more. Nobody deserves to lose their self worth in a relationship.

Get that man right out of your hair. You won’t be alone. You’ll be ‘available’ for someone fabulous who feels privileged to share in your dreams...(not snatch them away from you).

What was the point in all your hard work and dedication, to spend the rest of your life with a gambler, a cheat, and a liar?
You sound lovely. Go get your lovely man and don’t look back.

Perfect timing. I'd go for it