Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

[Minniemee]

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

Apologies the rest of the thread just came up on my screen 🤷🏻‍♀️ You well rid off

You are free if this manchild and this girls prison sentence is jyst beginning.

You are looking at this as if it’s you that is the problem, your not - he is the issue

Tell your friend you’re not interested and don’t want updates

Concentrate on your own social life and make sure you’re going out, making plans and enjoying your life

Don’t think about what he’s doing, it’s all a nonsense anyway

Ivykaty I just can't shake the thinking that it is because there's something wrong with me. I think what does she have that I didn't and how could I mean that little to him after buying a house for us and everything else I put up with over the 3 years that he could move on and just forget about me so soon. And publish it for all our friends to see.

All that confidence I've gained the last 8 weeks has just disappeared and I hate what it's done to me. I've been on a couple of dates just to try and boost my self esteem which have never been more than one drink because I just can't move on with another person yet as I've felt I needed to give it the space it deserved and work on me. He's just forgotten about everything like I never existed

See I’d be looking at his Instagram and thinking

Wow what a dick, It was only 8 weeks ago he split with Minnie and now he’s with some girl really quickly- that’s not right he’s not going to be over Minnie and he’s leading some girl on ( probably just a fling.

Then I’d think at least Minnie had a lucky escape if that’s what a dick he is

What you're going through is completely normal op. You are so strong but you will have ups and downs.

Think about it. You bought a house for both of you, given that he has debts and a gambling problem. Which other woman is going to do that. Not someone he barely knows for a few weeks. So this Caribbean holiday is all to woo her and impress her but she will soon find out what a waste he is. Where did he magic up the money for all that.

You are so well rid off him. X

Book
Your own holiday op.

Either with friends or brave it and go somewhere relaxing on your own.

You sound like you need a break.

Everything you are feeling is normal.

He will look back one day and absolutely realise what a dick he's been.

Your well shot.

This is a very normal reaction.

You are allowed to shout, scream, rant, ugly cry etc ..... for 24hrs max

Then you look to dig in to your deeply evolved emotional reserves to get back on track for your real destination - with a solvent, equal, loving, respectful grown up who will partner you in having a lovely happy family.

Re read the thread. Re read the thread.

You've allowed him to use you as a doormat, and hence he's not got any respect for you. You're well rid. You should be thanking God that you escaped a lifetime of doormatness!

Its not you. Definitely not him.

And he’s moved on so much in the 8 weeks because he’d been setting it up beforehand. So it’s not evidence of how great his life is; it’s further evidence that he’s a total shit and you’re better off without him.

Just think about all that you’d achieved in only 8 weeks. You are an amazing woman and you definitely don’t need him in your life.

You’re not ready to date properly yet because you’ve been busy getting to know yourself again. It’s only been 8 weeks and it takes a lot of adjusting.

Just ask your friends not to tell you anything about him in future.

And do book your own holiday. Just for you.

That should say. Definitely him.

Although from everything you’ve posted here: definitely not him seems fair too. You definitely don’t want this one. He’s not good enough for you.

He ís the reason you are lonely. Cry and scream if you need to. Talk about it till you bore yourself but look forward. You have had a lucky escape and deserve better. You will find it, trust me.

Ah OP you have so dodged a bullet, it just doesn’t feel like it yet because it’s very new and raw for you. He is a horrible, selfish, untrustworthy person. So he’s booked a holiday to the Caribbean - what kind of twat posts that on social media? You know he has no money and hols there aren’t cheap, so either he’s racked up some debt or she’s paying. This guy is a one way ticket to a miserable future - you are on track to healing, learning, and eventually meeting someone decent who will treat you properly, pay his way, want to commit and have kids and create a lovely life together. He’s a lying, untrustworthy creep and will never change - he’ll chew her up and anyone else he gets involved with. You can do so much better. STAY STRONG.

@Bellendejour thank you so much. You will never know how much I needed to hear that.

Yes posting on social media is a deliberate one finger salute to you.

How are you feeling today - how did your weekend go?

Are you doing any counselling?

@another20 I had a nice weekend, the girls took my out for a bottomless brunch which was lovely and a great way to take my mind off things. I'm feeling ok- I do keep thinking about it but I also know even if he showed up at the house I wouldn't give him the time of day and I am totally over him. What hurts more is how little he thought of me and the fact that he has found someone and is happier before me. Selfish I know!

Regarding counselling, I am having telephone counselling for CBT via the IAPS service- I don't know how much it's helping as it's a lot about general anxiety and triggers. I wouldn't say I suffer with general anxiety as I haven't had a touch of it since we broke up- it's more relationship counselling I think I possibly need, not sure?

Thanks so much for messaging and checking on me though x

OP why dont you go on a great holiday? When i was dumped by my exh after 14 marriage i was lost. I went on a solo holiday all single people tour to china for 2 weeks. I didnt want to go on the day as didnt know anyone but it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I felt far away from home troubles and really gave me a sense of perspective and confidence when i returned.

A holiday's a good idea. Get you away from the area, explore somewhere new, eat lots of lovely food, and basically, just relax and breath.

Doesn't even have to be abroad. There are lots of lovely places in the UK, and at this time of year, self catering flats should have lots of availability, and be quite cheap.

what does she have that I didn't

Lower self esteem?

But seriously, You are doing great.
You sound like you have your shit together, he sounds like a prize knobber...

I was in a semi-similar situation and honestly two years from not you will look back and laugh out loud that ever even cared about this guy.
Time is a Healer.

what does she have that you don't?

A liar, gambler and a cheat.

You have self respect, intelligence and your lovely home. It is tough, but it does get easier. Good luck to you.

YOu remind me of myself at nearly 30. I was ''backward mapping'' every decision I made with a view to it not running counter to my meeting somebody. I erroneously believed that the things that would have made me braver, more fulfilled, more alive... would have got in the way of meeting somebody ''in time'' to settle down and have kids. It was only after I had had kids with an arsehole that I got it. [lightbulb] The opportunities I walked away from, the edge of my comfort zone, that was what would have made me braver which would have given me more self-worth and would have repelled arseholes.

Do what feeds your soul. Even if that's Karaoke.

That Caribbean holiday may be one of those cheapo all-inclusive deals in the hurricane season, all high winds and loose bowels and he's going to be in even more debt (unless new ladylove is paying for it).

You are free of the lying scummer - thats what matters!

Because we are outside looking in, we can see how pathetic he is for posting the hol on social media. Because you are not able to get the bird's eye view we have, it hurts like hell. I know you are upset now and you feel all these last weeks work on yourself are gone, but I promise you, they are not. It is just hard to see that right now.

I have just read the thread from start to finish and I actually LOVE when I see women take the advice they get and use it and get rid of the manchild/asshole/ or whatever the crappy partner is. You will feel so much better as time goes on. You will eventually see you dodged a massive bullet

Also the poster who said that the father asking you to plan the wedding should be in the mumsnet CF hall of fame made me LOL. Bizarre people.

Keep going girl, you are doing just fine whether it feels like that or not.

Ignore him, OP. There is nothing wrong with you at all so don't even go down that road. If he's moved on with someone else then she'll get the same treatment as you did, it just won't be advertised on social media like a holiday will be.

Give it a few months- if you'd stayed with him then you would still be miserable in a few months time, however, I bet you'll be feeling on top of the world after a few months without him. He really doesn't sound like a catch at all. Don't dwell on the person you hoped he was because he isn't that person and never has been. You will find someone better suited to you.

Hang in there! All you 'lost' was a lying, cheating, gambling, irresponsible cocklodging git.

OP, you dodged a bullet. This man has moved on to his next victim. I would hazard a guess he only paid for his own ticket. The speed is because he wants another woman to take care of him. As others posted, I suspect his father called believing you could be pulled back into the family.

Your ex finding someone new does not reflect on you at all. It’s manipulation by him. He wants another woman to take care of him.