Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

447 replies

Minniemee · 26/12/2018 22:25

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

OP posts:
another20 · 29/01/2019 21:39

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree does it?

No boundaries - totally delusional. Hilariously funny tho - how did you leave it?

Does he know you have split?

Clearly his manipulative son has put him up to this. THEY are trying to reel you back in, emotional blackmail as she is sick. Block and delete.

another20 · 29/01/2019 21:40

Tell the DF that a themed wedding trip to Las Vegas would be right up his son’s street!

Lozzerbmc · 29/01/2019 21:51

Bizarre but shows what a nice person you are that he felt he could ask you. Taken him 36 yrs!

Original poster
Minniemee · 29/01/2019 21:56

@another20 hilariously funny and at least the giggles of the most bizarre last few days have been very very healing!

I just turned round and said I am extremely happy for them but unfortunately it wouldn't be right for me to do that as I am not part of the family anymore, and equally I am in no frame of mind to plan someone else's wedding instead of my own. Hmm

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 29/01/2019 21:58

You really have dodged a bullet.

RamblinRosie · 29/01/2019 22:40

His father is trying to pull you back in, you help plan a wedding, then you’ll be all ”weddinged up” and your exP will propose, suddenly you’re back where you started.

When I first got together with my DH, he traveled a lot, 7ish months each year, 3-4 weeks at a time, no mobile phones, best I would get was an occasional telex to my work, sent out of hours so I couldn’t reply, it was the best he could do.

Very, very, occasionally he could book a direct call , which usually was alongs the lines of “I’m OK, but my luggage isn’t. Love you.” Then being cut off.

The point of this witter is that I was feeling really lonely, I’d moved to a new city, before long my lovely neighbor started dropping round, clutching wine, introducing me to her friends. Then I started going out with work colleagues. It didn’t take long before I’d developed my own circle of friends.

What I am, clumsily, trying to say is that when when you don’t focus on being part of a couple, it’s surprisingly easy to make friends.

You will go through a tough time, but it won’t be as hard as you think.

5LeafClover · 29/01/2019 22:56

He hasn't told them you've split. Prepare yourself for a visit or phone call from him ( ex p that is, not the dad). Also (without seeming over dramatic) just keep safe ( phone with you, wits about you) for a bit just in case the reality check that you've really rejected him hits home and he wants a row. (Again the ex, not the dad...) It's rare of course, but just in case.

You are doing amazing. Take care and keep going.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2019 14:48

If his dad didn't know you'd broken up I think it would have been obvious when you answered as you did. He'd have reacted with shock and an apology. I think he knew and thought he was acting as a 'bridge', either on his own or at your ex's suggestion.

Unless you're a wedding planner by trade and his dad thought (or rather didn't think one bit) that he was just throwing business your way.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 30/01/2019 17:31

I know this is off topic, but I am shocked that Ex's parents have been together 36 years, had a child/children and the the father has known that the mother has wanted to get married for 36 years, but he is only now prepared to do this as she has a life threatening illness. She was good enough to give him children and live with, but not good enough to marry. The cynic in me wonders if the marriage is just for IHT purposes - I hope I'm wrong, but really this beggars belief.

Anyway Op you were totally right to decline the offer to plan their wedding, as you say you are no longer part of the family and the best way to get over your ex is to steer clear of him & his family. For what it's worth I think you were right to decline the job in Shanghai, I think it would feel like you were running away from things and in my experience it is better to deal with them now in order to heal. You can always take a job abroad at a later date if that is what you decide you really want.

another20 · 30/01/2019 17:42

Iwanted of course - never thought of that - what a wanker the “FIL” is.

He knows how to financially exploit women - and these are the standard, acceptable values in this family that the son is holding up.

Original poster
Minniemee · 30/01/2019 18:03

I've never actually thought about it that way- no wonder Ex partner is like his is. It's not the first time she has been ill either.

Both parents know that we are no longer together as ex is back at their house. He even had the cheek to say, 'i know you wouldn't be able to come to the wedding unless you were back together' we will never be back together, but it's still ok for you to think I can help
You plan the wedding Hmm

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2019 18:38

If his dad knew, I bet he was hoping that you'd get back together during the planning and then they could be rid of him again.

Our DC are grown and being an 'empty nester' is a good thing! One of ours has had to move back home and as much as we love and will emotionally support him until he gets back on his feet, it is hard to go back to having your child, even an adult one, back in your home.

5LeafClover · 30/01/2019 19:27

He even had the cheek to say, 'i know you wouldn't be able to come to the wedding unless you were back together'

That should make the mn cf hall of fame.

Windgate · 30/01/2019 19:52

Wanker FIL decides to marry MIL after 36 years of keeping her dangling. Nothing to do with her diagnosis and him protecting himself????

PeakTransedAgain · 12/02/2019 19:49

Just WOW at the complete insensitivity!

WineAndTiramisu · 12/02/2019 21:15

Hope you're still doing ok, I left a similarly crap relationship at 27 (and moved across the globe), am now 34 with a lovely DP and a baby. I think avoiding the move to Shanghai is a good idea.

Go out, meet new people, get new friends, you've got your whole life ahead of you!

Original poster
Minniemee · 06/03/2019 22:51

I thought I was doing so well. 8 weeks since I asked him to leave and I felt so much stronger, had started to love myself again, went out with old friends, joined a gym and made new friends. Then today a friend sent me a picture that he had put up on his Instagram (I no longer have him on there but we have lots of mutual friends on there) which was a picture to tell everyone he has booked a holiday to the Caribbean with another girl. My whole world feels like it's fallen apart. How could he possibly have moved on so much in 8 weeks that he has got into a new relationship and even booked a holiday with her, and more than that broadcast it for everyone we know to see Sad she works with him. I feel like I am right back to square one again and have spent the whole night crying. What does she have that I didn't try and give him- how has he been able to forget 3 years and a house together and just move on like that.

I feel like my world has fallen apart yet again, what's wrong with me?

OP posts:
Motoko · 06/03/2019 23:52

What on earth was your friend thinking, sending you that picture? You need to tell her that it's not helpful, and you don't want to know what he's up to. FFS.

Look, the only thing she has going for her, that you don't, is being new. At the moment, she's all shiny, and sparkly, and he's enjoying the thrill of a new relationship. If they're still together in a couple of years, he'll be giving her exactly the same runaround that he gave you. She could very well be the woman who was the reason he started acting differently, so he may already have been seeing her when he was still with you.

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM!

Now, dry your eyes, stick some cucumber slices on them to cool them down, call him a cunt, and then forget about him. He's not worth your tears. You are too good for him.

Frecklesonmyarm · 07/03/2019 06:12

He could have been seeing her before. Or he could have checked out, emotionally, way before. But with you cause it was easier and you put a roof over his head. Either way he us a dick.

And your friend is a bit of dick. Why are they still following him? To keep you upto date. They absolutely should not of sent you that. If you were doing well, what was the need?

I could maybe see it, if you were still trying to make it work or talking about getting back together with him. If your friend was doing it to show you he has moved on and you need to as well, I could kind of understand it.

But to send you this when you are doing so well. It's a dick move.

littlebillie · 07/03/2019 06:42

My friend was in this position his CF behaviour was awful this lasted 10 years.

She got rid, met a lovely man on first month of being single. Married and a baby in 2 years.

Set him free, start your life and find someone who respects you.

littlebillie · 07/03/2019 06:44

Just read your posts. She is a fool too as I imagine she paid, he has duped someone else

Spiderbanana · 07/03/2019 06:47

Just be grateful he has taken his debts and problems elsewhere.

Have a word with the friend who sent it to you though. You don't need constant updates on his life

netflixoriginal · 07/03/2019 06:51

Op he has publicised that purely to get back to you. He wanted to hurt you and he's done it. Whether or not he is going on holiday with this girl, the fact he has done it like this just proves he's not blissfully happy. He's spiteful and twisted and broken.

Living well really is the best revenge and that's exactly what you've been doing. Keep doing it because you are the one who will come out on top. If you feel anything towards him and this girl - feel pity. Pity for him because he's so pathetic and her because she's stuck with him.

Don't waste another tear on this prick. You're better than that.

And your friend - she's a knob for sending it.

NameChangeNugget · 07/03/2019 06:53

Isn’t your friend a delight....

Hanab · 07/03/2019 07:05

I don’t normally go down the route of LTB .. but this situation is different .. lady it looks like you are being used .. a convenience and you are worth SO much more 🌷

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.