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Original poster

Boyfriend says he doesn't want to commit, what do I do?

447 replies

Minniemee · 26/12/2018 22:25

Hello,

Looking for some advice as I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have just moved into a house (that I brought for us- I paid the deposit and it is my mortgage as he has a history of payday loans and owes lots of money due to a precious gambling problem) in July and things seemed great, but over the last two weeks things have not felt quite right.

The first thing I noticed was that he was on his phone all the time. Changed his PIN number, took his phone wherever he went. Looking on his social media, I noticed he had deleted all pictures of us together off there. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't like the way he looked at the moment so removed lots of pictures of him.

With it being so near to Christmas I tried to just bite my tongue as I was hosting both our families for Xmas dinner and didn't want to ruin it. However, the day before Christmas Eve I just couldn't contain it anymore and expressed my concerns about things (he did cheat on me a year ago). His response was that I was being silly but delving into things, he did say that he doesn't know whether he ever wants to get married or have children. I know that this is what I want in life more than anything.

I feel like over the years he has lied about so many things- he never told me about his debt- I found out, he never told me about his gambling addiction (he still hides betting slips that I find)- he was adamant he wasn't involved with anyone else but I found the messages whilst we were on holiday, but I have done everything I can to try and provide the best life for us and I love him deeply, but writing this down and reading it back makes me see I clearly don't trust him.

I'm petrified of leaving him and living by myself as I don't really have a close set of friends and feel I will be lonely- I'm scared that I could be ending things with someone who does love me and then never ever find anyone else again (I'm 29). I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to just want the same things I do.

Please could anyone provide a lost lady a little advice- At the moment I just keep crying and don't know what to do.

Thanks

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 22/01/2019 10:56

A friend of mine teaches in Shanghai. He met and married a Chinese lady and now has children.

I also know other families living and working there.

There will be an expat community there that you can socialise with. Both in the school and outside- sporting clubs etc.

It is definitely worth thinking about.

Maybe ask if you can fly over and explore the school and all there is to offer there.

Another friend was flown over when applying for a job in Singapore.

another20 · 22/01/2019 12:34

Minnie - I know you have already done the expat working abroad thing and had come back to the UK - so you know what it involves. Would you be going this summer? If so that could be quite hectic logistically -which might be distracting but maybe not healing / growing? Maybe you need to consider if what you would really like to do is establish roots here, reconnect with family and friends and find a life partner to raise a family in the UK. Or are you open to being an international expat family? But you also have plenty of time to take 2 years to do China as well.

sunshinesupermum · 22/01/2019 13:38

Go. Chance of a lifetime and serendipitous that the offer has arrived now. Flowers

Lozzerbmc · 22/01/2019 18:22

Its fate! Shanghai is amazing

Original poster
Minniemee · 22/01/2019 18:36

@another20 that's exactly my thoughts- it would be moving in August so 7 months time. I always know if I were to have kids I would want to be back in the UK- it would kill my parents not to have grandkids around and I would like them to have roots. so your questions are exactly what are going through my head. Do I use this time to truly heal and become more confident in myself, then find a partner here and hopefully settle down.

Or do I go to Shanghai, a fresh start and have two years really figuring out who I am, then move back to the UK and be ready to start again?

On another note, I had my initial telephone consultation with the counselling service today. I broke down but I felt such relief that I was able to say how I'm truly feeling and how the relationship really was. They have put me forward for CBT therapy which is such a relief.

OP posts:
another20 · 22/01/2019 18:43

Explore it all - keep all your options open - then get started on your counselling and you should “know” how you feel.

Does another posting in Shanghai excite you - would it also further your career? Would it develop you socially and emotionally as well?

another20 · 22/01/2019 18:50

Explore it all - keep all your options open - then get started on your counselling and you should “know” how you feel.

Does another posting in Shanghai excite you - would it also further your career? Would it develop you socially and emotionally as well? When would you have to commit to the job?

sunshinesupermum · 23/01/2019 10:24

minnie you are still young enough to spend two years in Shanghai. 'The One' and Bbabies can wait awhile! Go and have an adventure while the opportunity is there.

Glad you will be getting CBT to help you through this period.

Mix56 · 23/01/2019 12:07

You might meet a future DP in Shanghai also. doesn't mean you can't come back after 2 years...

firsttimebabybirther · 23/01/2019 13:24

I don't know OP seems like this new opportunity was really meant to be Grin

PeakTransedAgain · 24/01/2019 16:25

Stay string.
That is an amazing opportunity! Have you made a decision yet?

PeakTransedAgain · 24/01/2019 16:25

Woops! Should have said keep strong

shutthedamndoor · 24/01/2019 19:14

GO GO GO!!!!
It´s such a great opportunity! Plus, you are much more likely to run into someone to spend your life with if you LIVE your life, the life you really want, not the life you think you should be living. If you love travelling - travel.

another20 · 28/01/2019 11:33

Hi Minnie how did your weekend go?

Original poster
Minniemee · 28/01/2019 22:50

@another20 Was doing ok.. had no contact for over a week.

Stupidly I never got the locks changed. Saturday at 3am after he had been out, he decided that he was going to let himself into the house with his key. I stayed at a friends but woke up to a notification on my phone from the cctv that he had gone to the house, but hadn't left.

I arrived home at 9am and there he was, fast asleep in my bed. I went ballistic and asked him what on Earth he thinks he was doing just walking into the house. He asked if he could have another hours sleep followed by 'do you have any bacon in the fridge?'

There it was, clear as day that all the messages he had tried sending of how he hated himself were just BS, and that in fact he saw the whole relationship as a joke and me as someone who would just be at his beck and call. No apology, just 'I wanted to talk to you but you weren't here' .. he even said 'you're anointed I get it, stop getting on at me, I have a headache'. That was the moment I thought, I know now I do deserve better.

I kicked him out, took his key and changed the locks. Lesson learnt! And this week I feel so much brighter Smile thanks for checking up on me!

I have decided against taking the office in Shanghai as it would just be too soon. I needed to let them know by the 27th jan and with moving in August it would have been an impulse move. I love my job here and I want to find myself and my own happiness again rather than running away. Another country won't go anywhere and if I want to go next year I can I'm sure.

OP posts:
5LeafClover · 28/01/2019 23:08

I kicked him out, took his key and changed the locks.

Hooray!!!! But what a cf. Thank goodness you weren't in and have CCTV.

Glad to hear you sounding so positive Minniemee. Keep going....you can do it!

Motoko · 29/01/2019 01:20

See, this is why we said to change the locks! Still, at least it helped you to see that he was full of bullshit. Hopefully, you'll find it easier now.

I think the fact that you needed to let them know about the job so soon, you made the right decision. If you'd been able to decide in a few months, you could have really thought it through and made a more informed decision. Like you said, you can go next year if you want to.

another20 · 29/01/2019 07:46

Wow, so shocking - what an entitled arse. No respect for your or your boundaries. Has his stuff gone?

Brilliant response by you - glad you have found your ANGER - this is a healthy natural emotion which we have evolved for basic survival from predators - maybe something you were taught to suppress / sexy in your family.

I think it is good not to have a knee jerk over reaction / distraction to take the job in response to this jerk - a better approach is to stay for now to reflect, heal, grow. Enjoy your home and job and slowly start to pick up your social life again. Be proud. Be brave.

Lozzerbmc · 29/01/2019 08:07

Well that underlines you made right decision - what an idiot he is (not that you needed reminding) Good for you! Wishing you well

ravenmum · 29/01/2019 16:38

Creepy as fuck. Watch out for yourself.

PeakTransedAgain · 29/01/2019 16:41

What a cheek of him!

Good decision to change the locks

Yulebealrite · 29/01/2019 16:45

Well if you weren't totally sure before, you are now. He's probably done you a favour by entering when he did and riding roughshod over your boundaries again.

SenoritaViva · 29/01/2019 17:29

You’ve made all the right decisions I think OP. Well done. In some ways be grateful that he came to your house as this has given you the opportunity to see him for what he is.

Now you can move on!

lilybetsy · 29/01/2019 20:37

I’m so pleased to see your updates, well done! In a few months time you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in this waste of space ...

Build a life for yourself, once you are no longer afraid of being alone, you will never again settle for a cocklodger who sucks the life out of our and THEN (and only then) you will be ready to meet a good man !

Original poster
Minniemee · 29/01/2019 21:32

I'm genuinely contemplating starting a blog on how Bridget Jones my life is becoming ..Wine

So two days after my Ex decides to use my house as a hotel room for the night and then asks for a bacon sandwich when confronted..

I had a phone call off his dad this evening (didn't have his number stored so didn't know it was him). Who turns around and says 'I need your help'... I'm thinking right ok, you never ask for my help, what's wrong- thought he might say he's not seen his son for 2 days and I'd find him hiding in my wheelie bin... 'Envy he says 'I'm going to get married to [ex's mum] as it's all she's wanted for 36 years and with what she's going through I want to do it at a registry office before she starts treatment, but I don't have a clue what to do. I know you are so organised... CAN YOU HELP ME PLAN IT?'

Sorry what... oh so your son has told me HE doesn't want to get married to ME, so now you're going to ask me to plan YOUR wedding instead?! What is he thinking 'well she's never going to plan her own wedding so I'll let my sons ex girlfriend plan our wedding instead.. one that she's not even going to be invited to Hmm'

Honestly, does anyone know anywhere that sells wine by the magnum? Wine just thought I'd share for those of you have been here for me for the entire journey of this Blush

OP posts:
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