Would a big age gap bother you?

[Dragon4Pie]

I'm not looking for hate. I'm just asking if it would bother you?

Someone is 14 years older. Thanks.

@kenandbarbie exactly!

@Sashkin Hi, sorry regarding the passport thing I really meant take the child on trips regularly to her own country just to visit, I didn't mean literally pack up the child and run away with him! I know she'd have to get fathers permission otherwise yes, it would be child abduction. Sorry for not explaining it properly!

Also wouldn't say that 16 months is a 'couple'. Fully appreciate it's not 30 years but, I don't think it's fair to write me off as being in a short relationship.
We've discussed the marriage money issue before and both agreed on a prenup to protect ourselves. So no worries in that department, we have separate finances now and manage well so I don't see why I'd really be entitled to half of his (obviously if we had a child we'd half and halves) but fully appreciate some people may not be able to trust their partner with this if they had to stay at home with a child and not work.

Thank you for the well wishes, I hope I do sound intelligent and driven- that's so kind of you to say. :) all the best!

@MumsyJ thank you!😆

when would you assume one is 'mature enough' to plan a future with someone?

When they have emotional maturity. You don't. As you can see in the comment I quoted, it was very much teenager like. It's the written word, I didn't read it as jealousy at all.

You disagree with people and that's fine. But I can tell you are young from your posts.

The comment that proved it was 'men don't like women who are catty'. Who gives a fuck what men like? Also you assume that if people have concerns about your relationship, they must be catty or judgy. Rather than understanding that they are older and just have a different point of view. They have an opinion. Men who don't like women being catty about other women, also usually don't recognise catty from an opinion. Women who have an opinion are often label 'catty' or 'bitchy' in an attempt to shut them down. What you are saying is that men don't like women having an opinion that's different. Why is that ok with you? Why did you post that comment? Why would that form part of this conversation. Because honestly, I couldn't give a shit what 'men like'. I certainly would not use what men like as a way to shut done someone with a different opinion. Also lots of men like women with opinions. I would rather be single than be with someone who labelled me catty for disagreeing.

As I said, I hope it works out for you. I genuinely do. That doesn't mean that your posts don't raise some concerns.

@pissedonatrain ah that's sad, but also her choice. Most men his age would be considering marriage/ a child by now so I don't consider him 'young' compared to me.

Oh I don't date just for fun either. Never had.

But there is a difference between only dating someone where it could someone where and having your life planned out at 20.

You have posted a few times. You have had a plan with this man, for a good while. You havent been together that long in the scheme of things. You don't need to plan everything and jump right in. Like I said, having a baby between establishing a career and finishing your degree, in all likely hood won't help you career. You are risking it. And I bet if he was 25, you wouldn't be planning on doing that.

I am glad you are happy. But you can't say that his age isn't influencing decisions you are making about your own life.

@bathtimeanxiety you say you’re not sure why people here think you sound immature ... As someone who hasn’t previously posted on this thread but read it, this is my take:

• you said this about your boyfriend:

”He has a great job, after uni he moved to Dubai on an architectural contract and worked there for 6 years, he's a lovely guy, always well presented, great clothes, great home.”

Apart from the lovely guy part, all the attributes you list are arguably materialistic and status-focused. A partner having a job and a stable place of residence is important yes, but I can’t think of many women I know in the 28-51 age bracket who would lead with their partners clothes and presentation when listing their DP’s good points. I suspect men may be more likely to do this however ... It sounds shallow and young tbh.

• your comments about being a strong woman and having gone through a lot had me rolling my eyes: you’re 20 so your life experience is limited and the way you’re talking sounds like you’re reiterating inspirational Instagram quotes. But hey, you go Kween 👸🏼

Er the above is for @bathtimesanity

@DubBeGoodToMe You can't outright say a 20 year old hasn't been through things that have made them stronger or mature faster. You have no idea what my life has been up to now and I don't intend to indulge that to mumsnet.

Don't appreciate the scarcasm either 'Kween' 

I have also mentioned in previous posts his personality and humour complimenting mine. In that question I was answering someone who had asked about men taking care of themselves if you actually read the question. Don't take my answers out of context.

The question From @pissedonatrain for reference:
"Many times men just don't really take care of themselves and while it may be ok now it'll be stressful later on being a carer for someone."

@Notacluethisxmas I agree, but I'm happy with doing those things faster/sooner so it's no worry for me. :)

@Notacluethisxmas I've had my fair share of catty 'gossips'. All been women. I also don't particularity care what men like- but I'm sure gossips aren't one of them. Hence that comment.

@bathtimesanity but you’ve just proved my point with your context. Obviously I may be wrong, but I think by “not good at taking care of themselves” and needing a career, @pissedonatrain was referring to a man’s health and general wellbeing, not his sartorial presentation.

Of course I appreciate you can have gone through a lot at 20. But you’re not long an adult and presumably haven’t been self-supporting and independent for long. So you haven’t gone through a lot of adult situations.

Needing a CARER not a career - bloody autocorrect

So you have never come across a man that's gossiped. That's bullshit. It's a fact that a man expressing a disagreeing opinion, is accepted. When it's women, it's labelled as bitch, catty, nasty. Women are judged differently. I get it because I may have felt similar at 20. But it's bullshit that men don't gossip or voice different opinions. Often in a nasty way. It's just seen as not lady like, so women have negative labels attached to it.

You do care what men like. Why on earth would that comment have even made sense if you didn't give a shit what men like. Where was it's relevance to the discussion. It was a mysognistic comment designed to shut women down.

Yes, you are speeding up your timeline and doing things earlier, risking your career prospects in the future because of his age. Therefore age does matter and it isn't just a number, as pp said.

Why would you need a pre nup? You will be married then have kids very quickly. In the UK that would pretty much good the pre nup. They are not legally binding in the UK anyway. Marriage for a few years, you taking a hit on your career to have kids, will mean a pre nup is pointless.

Also please don't take the hit on your career to have kids without being married first. That would be a huge mistake and you are more intelligent than that.

I’m 48. Married. But I’ve got a 25 year old pursuing me. It’s weird. I can’t see why he would

PMSL at the idea that men don’t gossip and aren’t catty!

You need to spend a bit more time in the workplace, men are far worse than women for spreading a bit of scandal around the office!

Thing is, I‘ve never seen a relationship with a 15+ Year age gap, where the older, male partner didn’t make all the big decisions. They had the money, they had the experience, they called the shots and shaped the couple‘s life. There was in every case I know a huge power imbalance involved. The men may ,indulge the whims’ of their young partners, but there is no equal footing. Do age-gap relationships exist that are not like that? Or do all those women in age-gap relationships just not mind?

@deepwatersolo as I said upthread I have a huge age gap with my DH. I work, have more income/assets than him and I have driven all of the major decisions in our lives, although it is very much a partnership.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea maybe that's the key. That the 'power' needs to balancing. That's can be in many ways.

Often it's the older one that has the emotional, financial, experience power. While the other has nothing. Perhaps that's why a lot don't work out. Relationships are much easier if both are bringing things to the table.

It might not matter now but might further down the line as he becomes an old man before you start to becine an old woman. I mean that in attitude rather than physical. My dh is the same age as me but already acts like an old man though! So depends in outlook. I nearly went out with someone 10 years older than me but my mum put me off saying that he would have too much influence over me so I stopped seeing him. Were friends but I was a naive 19 yr old. You migh be more savvy than me at that age. Ive seen him on facebook. No dcs though so did me a favour. Usually by 35 if they dont want any then maybe they wont ever?

6 years for us but my grandparents had an 18 year gap and it never troubled them and they had a long happy marriage.

I wouldn't make a decision for my family without talking to my partner regardless of how old either of us were. Why would you?? I did uni & decided against travelling - before or after - even without a partner.
DP doesn't make big decisions about our lives alone, neither do i. We are a team, we make decisions together that best suit all of us. There are lots of people on here giving anecdotes of older men being controlling/needing carers etc etc...the one or two people you know that that has happened to doesn't reflect the masses necessarily. And it can happen either way; as a carer I have seen people in their 30s needing long term care from their partners of the same age. Should we just not get into relationships in case something happens??

I was 21 and DP was 31 when we started going out. It really depends on the couple I would say. It works with us because I always wanted children younger (nearly turned 24 when I had DD) and have similar interests. I don't want to live all over the world, I like a few holidays. DP likes to travel more than me.

And of all the men I dated my same age and men my friends are with, DP treats me with far more respect than any of them. I am completely equal to him.

Age gap is visible but you would probably guess 5 years as I look older for my age

How much money exactly, are we talking about?

And it can happen either way; as a carer I have seen people in their 30s needing long term care from their partners of the same age. Should we just not get into relationships in case something happens?

No one has said that. And people have acknowledged that it can happened at any age. But it's much more likely when one is alot older. I wouldn't go into a relationship knowing it was a huge possibility nor would I want my children to be setting themseleves up to be a young widow/widower and spending their 40s and 50s in a carer role. I would accept their choices. But still have concerns.

Just make sure you're allowed to be 21 without being over ruled on it every time. I'm sure at 35 he has a lot more experience and so a dynamic where he makes all the decisions could emerge quite easily in this situation. Joint decisions, his, yours - but you should be free to be 21 even though you are going out with a 35 year old and you should feel free to voice your interpretations and so on. I went out with an older man in my early 20s and I grew heartily sick of the way he appointed himself my mentor and manager. At first he was charmed by me then he became my exasperated teacher along the way. Luckily at about 24 I ended it. Thankfully.