Would a big age gap bother you?

[Dragon4Pie]

I'm not looking for hate. I'm just asking if it would bother you?

Someone is 14 years older. Thanks.

@deepwatersolo people with anxiety actually aren't often needy at all. We keep our anxieties quiet and try to deal with them ourselves. It's normal in any relationship to seek support from your partner, having anxiety doesn't make you weak, it actually makes you strong.

I don't seek reassurance from my partner- as that doesn't help at all. I work on my breathing patterns and know when to take myself out of a situation to recover, and I know when to keep myself in a situation to persevere without making myself ill.

The fact that you're implying my boyfriend preyed on my insecurities and is only with me to control me is disgusting. Power issues can happen in ANY relationship, not just an age gap. I can assure you, as a strong woman whose been through so much and overcome every obstacle thrown at me, I would never let some undermine me. Ever.

Are you in a failing relationship or being dominated by your partner? Because you sound extremely cynical and almost like you're trying to drag me down to pull yourself up? I'm kind of sick of it!

It may be OK now but less likely to be so when you are older. You may well spend the best years of your retirement caring for an ailing older partner eg if you retire at 66 partner will be 80. There is a huge difference at that stage of life.

I think hmm, it's fine.... for a short thing. For a long thing it's pretty serious, but that could be a good thing, he has had a wild past, you haven't so much. It will be grounding, but probably quite fun. However, you are really young. I remember my boyfriend at 20 being 30 and thinking it was a big gap, mainly because he'd had so much longer to be grown up... It's a difficult question to answer. Why not go out with him for a while and then a younger one for research purposes.

@Mountainsoutofmolehills I don't think it would be kind at all- or even morally right to leave the man I love and tell him I'll come back to him later if I don't find love with a younger guy🤔 that's disgusting...I have nothing against younger guys, just all of them that I met previously were so interested in sex straight away and drinking/parties/drugs etc and just incredibly immature! Even guys up to age 27 I met! I never dated any of them. They all wanted one thing only.🙄

Actually bath I was your age when I met DP. We have gone through a lot in those past >20 years, I was not who I am now, nor was he. We have both grown into ourselves and doing so, balances shifted and we had to make efforts to readjust and make it work.
The age gap relationships I saw were way more rigid in their patterns, to put it mildly.

You are very naive if you cannot face the realities of people falling for certain patterns. And it is great that you feel that you are strong and who knows what obstacles you have already overcome, but the fact of the matter is that 21 or 22 is damn young to limit oneself to the point where a year abroad is off limits, because anxiety issues or partner or both.

@deepwatersolo I can limit myself to non abroad options because I'm a human being- I'm allowed to have opinions and make decisions. Why would I have to do a year abroad when 1) I don't need too, there are plenty of opportunities in the U.K. in Law, 2) I don't enjoy travelling and being away from my family, I go on great holidays with my boyfriend but I'm always happy when we are coming home. 3) Not doing a year abroad will not limit me in any way...

You've just confirmed exactly what I thought- you're in my situation/have been and now you're older and not happy. You're jealous.

Leave if you're not happy- you don't have to stay in a relationship.

I also don't think my thoughts and values will change from when I'm 20 to 21,22,23. Believe it or not, the world is changing and young people are huge influencers nowadays, people listen to us more. Hell, there are so many 13,14 year olds that are self made millionaires (YouTube etc), we have power now and we've proved we can have our own thoughts and stand up for ourselves.

I have good values, good morals, my family are proud of me, I'm in Higher Education working towards studying my degree, I live away from home, create my own income with a job and I'm in a great relationship. My parents are proud of me and I'm proud of me. That's all that matters :)

I'm sorry you're not 20 and didn't take the path you'd have liked to if you could go back now.

Many times men just don't really take care of themselves and while it may be ok now it'll be stressful later on being a carer for someone.

Friend of mine is going through this now. Snagged herself a much older wealthy judge. They live on the ocean and he is in a wheel chair and mean while she is still active and vibrant. It was Ok at first but 15 -20 years later, not so much.

@pissedonatrain why doesn't she leave him if she's not fulfilled and happy?

Personally no - it’s fine mid life but as one ages can be very limiting for the younger one (have witnessed this instead of travel and enjoying retirement one is elderly the other carer) and you get widowed early. Also power balance could be off like having an ally my age. Slightly depressing how it’s usually older man younger woman yawn.

You've just confirmed exactly what I thought- you're in my situation/have been and now you're older and not happy. You're jealous.

You talk like a teenager not a woman grown up enough and mature enough to be planning your whole future based on this one man. You are being ridiculous.

@Notacluethisxmas hmm

@Notacluethisxmas when would you assume one is 'mature enough' to plan a future with someone?

I'm not a person into 'short term' or 'just for fun' relationships, I've always said- even from age 16,17 that I wouldn't just date someone if I didn't see it going anywhere. I'm not going to waste years of my life getting with them breaking up with people.

I've never planned to shop around and date loads, it's just not me. I've found someone who compliments my personality, we get on amazingly, have a laugh, I'm physically attracted too, have great sex etc, so I'm sticking by them. Is that so wrong? I know it's not the norm for 20 year olds but there are a minority of us that build our futures early and succeed.

I'm also not entirely sure what makes me immature about my answer to the previous question, if the poster didn't want to come across as jealous/resentful then they possibly shouldn't have posted in the manner they did.

I think I'd be immature if I thought everything would be fairytales and roses for us, that we'd never encounter any difficulties, that he'd stay attractive and younger looking forever. I don't think any of those things, we've already had our fair share of arguments, apologised, resolved them and made up.

@MsTSwift I'm not interested in becoming a carer. Good thing he's only mid thirties! And I've also said previously, that if things went wrong and we were not getting along, the feelings weren't there anymore etc then I would leave. I'd never stay in a relationship I'm not happy in.

I've witnessed my mother do that for the sake of my sibling and I. I would never want that for myself.

@pissedonatrain my boyfriend is always well dressed and presented, smells gorgeous etc so I'm not worried about that aspect. He's very into taking care of himself.

You friend sounds like she lives a sad life now, why is she still with him if the spark is gone? Money I'm guessing...

@bathtimesanity

You both are babies still!

You've only been with him a year. If you make it long enough, you'll see a big difference when he is in his 50s and you'll still be young in your 30s.

I don't think my friend is worried about spark with an elderly man in a wheel chair wearing depends. They live in a posh condo on the beach and the kids, stepkids, grandkids are close by so she has a full life. It still sucks that her DH isn't able to enjoy retirement years with her. I don't she thought much about the future when they first met.

She won't divorce him as he'd end up in a home.

bathtimesanity I can only wish you well. I hope your anxiety resolves. I can see how this relationship might help in the short term.

Age is just a number. As long as you're both compatible, happy and most of all, the love is there, why not? Enjoy it girl! x

It’s really easy to dump somebody when you are 20 and have only been with them a couple of months. Completely different trying to divorce after 20-30 years when you have children, joint property, pensions etc to sort out. And no matter how much you earn, when you have children it is hard to manage with completely separate finances - I’m a doctor so on a good salary, but I can’t afford half the (large, London) mortgage and bills, plus £1500 per month nursery fees per child and all the other associated expenses of having children if DH wakes up one morning and decides not to contribute any more.

It’s comments like this (and your apparent ignorance of The Hague Convention when suggesting a PP should just apply for a passport to take her child out of their country of usual residence - she can’t, that’s child abduction) that make us say you are naive and lacking in life experience. Your advice is the kind of advice that I would have given as a teenager, but children complicate things in ways you don’t foresee.

I hope your relationship works out. You sound intelligent and driven, and I wouldn’t dream of coming up to you in the street and critiquing your choice of partners. But my experience and lots of people’s experience on this thread is that as people mature they do often grow apart, and it’s wise to be aware of that.

Bathtime - ah the certainty of youth!

bath it wasn‘t me who first responded to the ‚year abroad‘ issue, which older partners tend to have issues with by saying: (paraphrasing) luckily I have anxiety issues, so no need to worry he might say no. (Also: eating what you want is worth mentioning?)

I am sorry this offends you, but this does not indicate power balance, but rather matching patterns.

As for me, I wouldn‘t wish to be 20 again, not for money. 35 maybe, STEM PhD plus post doc year in the US under my belt and I could lead a 6a+ then. Alas, no more, since I had my DS (4c max now, not enough time for training. Tragic. Wouldn’t want to miss DS, though... Yesterday DS beat me skiing down the slopes. Now that made me feel old. But also proud. I was faster than DP, though, yay!).

So, all in all, when it comes to sports my current performance is admittedly a desaster, I’ll grant you that (ironically still way better than in my 20‘s), but there is still hope. All in all I count my blessings.

My in-laws have just divorced after 45 years marriage due the age difference when he is 74 and she is 62. She married him when she was young.

My friend is also in a relationship with a huge age difference. She's 34 and he's 60!! She wants to start a family. I've told her to think really hard as she's more than likely going to be a young widow with children and when he's 70, she will only be 44 etc. They've only just recently got together so if they do marry and have kids, more than likely it will only happen in a few years making him an older father. They also live in different countries - 12 hour flight between the two, so she's thinking of moving countries for him!

@Timmytoo Wow! That's a big move for her! Are they sure they can conceive with him at that age? That's a big commitment to someone so old. I couldn't be with someone older than my boyfriend. Wish her luck! :)

@Timmytoo ah that's sad! Hopefully they both find someone again up to their own speeds. At least they had a great time together I'm sure!

@deepwatersolo ah, I see what you mean- and yes, I do eat what I want! ;) I sometimes ban him from our bedroom for eating a curry though, it stinks and I can't stand it!🤢😅