Dating Thread 144: Jingle Bells, Dating Tales, Single All The Way

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

[DanielCraigsUnderpants]

Random question. Doesn't affect my day to day life or wellbeing. But how come I seem to see one or two profiles multiple times

I've lost count of the amount of times I've seen Albert, 39. Chris 33 (who is easy on the eye but still)

Are these people paying extra or something or using the force to thwart the swipe lefting?

[unique1986]

I also started texting someone new.
I suggested a phone call then no answer..
Well it's one way to get rid of someone.
Also another guy messaged me online and I swear I'd seen his profile before maybe a year ago or more.
He says he's been on a week.
Don't know why people can't just say they have been on and off.
He already after short messages wants to swap numbers.
Thought s on those guys that have 1 dodgy pic and small profile?
Maybe they are fine in real life. But I always think hmmm

[DanielCraigsUnderpants]

I guess by meeting them quickly you'll know if you fancy them or not unique. Little information and one photo - I met a nice guy with that sort of profile there but we had a few messages and I worked out we would get on. We're friend zoned. But I don't see that as a loss.

I get put off with guys wanting my number too quickly (like after a few messages) or wanting to meeting straight away. I get its important to see each other soon otherwise you waste your time. But I don't like to waste my time or safety meeting up with someone I know literally nothing about. How do you know after two messages they're worth the fuel cost.

[scotgal2017]

@daniel, I would guess fake profile....on POF in one day I had pretty much the same photo of the same guy pop up 4 times in the Meet me section, each time with a different name age and bio!

[DanielCraigsUnderpants]

This is on bumble. I thought once you swiped left that was it but I've seen these profiles at least 10 times a piece. Are they deleting them then re adding them?

[unique1986]

@Daniel
Yes I know what you mean.
Less mind games and investment meeting soon but also waste of time.

[gettingstherehopefully]

Hello Scotgal; I have read all your post. I totally understand how you would prefer to have some sort of relationship, of connection, than face trawling through OLD again. I really get you. Although you've explained the pros and cons clearly could I ask; what is it about this man that you like? What does he do for you? My questions might be a bit simple but I've reached a point in my chequered dating experience when I would rather be alone (and hopeful) than being in an ambiguous set up with a man, but that is just me, of course.

[gettingstherehopefully]

How weird...your post has disappeared, Scotgal...

[MyOldBrainStoppedWorking]

Daniel I've had that on Bumble. I assume they're fake profiles.
But given that Bumble has many glitches - lack of notifications, matches that randomly expire - it could just be another Bumble bug.

[gettingstherehopefully]

Oh dear, I'm SO sorry, it appears my page refreshed weirdly and I read your post re Mr Italy which was on the first page of this thread, sorry Scotgal, you must think I'm a bit batty.

I need a little advice from some of you, please.

I met someone through a mutual friend a week and a half ago in a bar and we ended up talking, walking (and having a kiss or two) for a few hours. We've been texting most days. He wanted to invite me to a philosophy conference in Brittany (we live in France and he's a philosopher although he works with handicapped teenagers as well as writing) this weekend. I told him after reflection that I wouldn't be joining him because I just wasn't interested in falling into bed with someone or a FWB set up. He replied that he wasn't looking for such relationships, that he had felt a connection with me and wanted to get to know me, bla, bla. and that in the worst case scenario we could have a good friendship. He then promptly invited me to an exhibition/conference thing going on in town that evening but I couldn't make it as I was with my children. He understood and sent me a couple of photos of the exhibition

We have agreed to meet up this weekend (he's not going to Brittany as he's very tired, he says). Now, he's suggested we cooking dinner together and spending the evening talking. That's just a way of getting me into bed, isn't it? In my shoes would you say I'd rather just meet for a drink, or accept his suggestion ? Or maybe just say no thanks !

[wishywashy6]

@gettingstherehopefully do you like him? Do you see a potential relationship?
It's different for everyone I guess so only you know what you feel comfortable with. If you'd be happier just going out for a drink and taking things a bit slower then you should suggest that. Set your own boundaries.
Second date with my now BF I suggested cinema as I didn't want to fall into bed too soon (not because I have any standards but due to the fact I'd been bitten by a spider 'down there' and I looked like elephant woman!) however we didn't make it through the trailers so ended up in bed anyway.
Just do whatever you feel comfortable with

[gettingstherehopefully]

wishywashy, thank you so much for your response. If I'm honest I'm terrified of getting too close to someone again. I was told yesterday that I only dare give 30% of myself in any potential relationship, that I use a lot of excuses not to get too close to someone and I think that is true to a great extent. I've grown very cautious, as most of us have, thanks to a divorce and OLD.

And, the trouble is that I am learning to believe that if I set my boundaries (i.e. ask if we could go for a drink instead of meeting at my place) I might not necessarily frighten a man off. Old habits die hard though.

[wishywashy6]

@gettingstherehopefully thing is, if it frightens him off then do you really want to be with him in the first place?
The right man would understand your need to take it slow so if he doesn't then he's not right for you.
Everyone's experiences and situations are different. For me personally, going through divorce gave me freedom and strength. I instigated it and while obviously it wasn't a happy time, I don't feel broken by it - quite the opposite.

I went into OLD purely with the intention of meeting people. No other expectations other than that I would communicate with some new humans. Through it I made new friends and yes, also met someone who I wanted to be in a relationship with. Also met some truly peculiar folk but they give you funny stories to tell 🤷🏼‍♀️
If he thinks you're worth it he'll be happy to take things at your pace, if not then why would you want to be with him anyway?

[gettingstherehopefully]

You're brill wishywashy, thank you! And yes, of course, you're right.

My divorce was nasty, my husband left me for an OW (although he has never admitted to this) but I agree with you that it offers a new lease of life; I too have gained so much in freedom. I love dating again, feeling attractive again and, I must add, I really like your attitude towards OLD.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It really has helped.

[gettingstherehopefully]

OK, have just sent him a nice message saying I'd prefer eating out tomorrow evening instead of cooking together. Let's see if/how he responds to that.

I'm glad I did it though, regardless of his answer.

[wishywashy6]

@gettingstherehopefully well done for sticking to your guns! I always look at it as though I can't control how other people respond to me, so I always just do what's right for me and whatever response they give kind of puts me on the next path if that makes sense? Might not be what you want or expect at the time but at least you can then move forward in whatever direction you chose next
Let us know how he responds x

[Koko12]

Good advice wishy

[gettingstherehopefully]

He's said yes to eating out, wishywashy. He answered 'agreed. Let's work out which restaurant'.

Good.

[wishywashy6]

That's great @gettingstherehopefully

It's so easy to overthink and stress about what might happen or could go wrong but the truth is you don't really know until you ask!
Hope it goes well for you ☺️

[gettingstherehopefully]

Despite my fears of going against the grain (and my upbringing) by respecting myself more and politely imposing my limits on others I'm fairly philosophical about this dating malarkey. My brain says what will be will be, my emotions still have to catch up a little.

Thank you for your support.

[midcenturylegs]

@WotcherHarry really good advice actually, I think I'm far more comfortable just declining. His message was a bit slimy too "I've been thinking about you over the Xmas / NY break". Meaning he's just been dumped or has dumped!

[Apparentlyacatch]

I think I've been ghosted which I'm utterly gutted about! Been chatting to a bloke for a week or so now and we've been getting on so well, lots of cheeky banter etc.

Always asking when I'm free, had a date planned for this evening and I've heard nothing all day, I've msged to say are we still on for tonight and he has been on WhatsApp but not read my msg. I'll be gutted because I felt like we could of gotten on really well! He hasn't blocked me or anything, just no msg!

[wishywashy6]

@Apparentlyacatch perhaps he's at work?

[Lovemusic33]

Apparently hopefully you will hear back from him but it does sound a bit odd if he has been on WhatsApp but not opened your message, maybe he’s been busy with a family crisis or something?

Mr Vegan has asked to meet me next week, at the moment we are both ill with bad colds/flu, he is trying to fight his with natural vegan remedies whilst I drug myself up with lemsip and cough medicine 🤣, I did question him when he said he was drinking honey and lemon as I thought vegans didn’t eat honey? He sent me a voice message on WhatsApp last night and I really like his London accent.

[Dan89]

Update since new profile: no right swipes...