Dating Thread 144: Jingle Bells, Dating Tales, Single All The Way

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

getting I’d say ditch him too.
And yes to spelling mistakes,grammatical errors and flashy cars being a left swipe!

getting there,sure he likes you,he may even have feelings for you but he isn't relationship material (at the mo or ever!). Keep those legs shut for someone worthy.
Back on pof and some new faces. Got a dog walk on sat but I said it would just be friends as we used to drink in the same town years ago and I really am a bit freaked by dating at the moment.
Neighbour man who joined pof for first ever time the other night got all excited as had a date booked for weekend.....but the next day her profile has gone. Poor chap has a lot to learn as a newby to old

gettingthere you’ve been seeing him since August and not slept together?! Either I’m a slapper or there hasn’t been much chemistry between you?

My first iron, Mr L, and I have been seeing each other since October, but chatting since August. He is hopeless at keeping in touch and it is going to see me walking away soon. Like you, if I’m going to sleep with someone on a regular basis I’d like to feel they are interested enough in my day to day life to chat through the week.

My latest iron is very chatty. He’s quite recently separated and it turns out I will be the first since leaving his wife. I’m worried this would make me the rebound. And potentially be seen as the OW by his wife? It’s very early days so these might be unnecessary worries but I’m a bit nervous about getting attached in this basis. I do really like chatting with him and we have had 2 great dates.

What do we all consider reasonable contact from someone you are seeing but not yet agreed as exclusive or committed?

Mr L used to message a couple of times a day but this has now changed to a few times a week. I have pulled back from replying as quickly as I used to. Partly deliberately but also as I don’t feel like chatting to someone who doesn’t seem to want to chat to me very often.

Mr S chats a lot. And has suggested phone calls which I’ve shied away from so far.

@Notcoolmum I think it's different for everyone but I'd say you know what's 'normal' for you, so if you've noticed a shift in the messaging pattern then perhaps there's a reason for it. Could just be that he's really busy, but maybe casually ask him if there's a reason he's not in touch as much?
How often are you seeing him? Do you see it becoming exclusive? How long have you been dating?

wishywashy we’ve been dating since October. Had about 6/7 dates as he lives a fair distance away. He gets caught up in work. I think if things were going to develop they would have by now? I’m not sure if the drop in communication is because he has other people to talk to that he prioritises, he’s busy or he’s comfortable with how things are. I have pulled him up on it a few times and he either says he’s busy or had nothing interesting to say.

@TooOldForThis67 I hope the gynae oncology appointment goes OK and that it’s, well, anything but that.

Notcool for me, if a long distance thing is to work there would have to be some random inconsequential chat messaging every day, and some phone calls too.

Thank you for your answers, user1466783975, koko12! I can be a slapper too Notcoolmum but I've definitely reached a stage where I don't want to be in a FWB or ONS situation. I want connection. TBH there was chemistry between us but I'd pulled away when he'd admitted to not being sure about getting into a serious relationship and then I got involved with someone else (which was ALL about chemistry) and although we've known each other since August we'd only seen each other about five times. Had things progressed between us since end of last year I could have slept with him. Bloody glad I didn't though.

I saw this on IG this afternoon and it really backs up my feelings about where I'm at nowadays concerning dating:

"Nowadays, more than ever, you need to have an ALL or NOTHING policy when it comes to dating someone. Because, the moment you make an exception for someone to give you less or treat you less, then they will continue doing so. Make it understood that you are not one for entertaining the uncertain individual nor will you subject your heart to childish games."

NotCool, I agree with BatShit; distance needs to be compensated with by regular contact.

batshit I’m a bit pathetic about phone calls so I have put him off ringing a few times in the past which has now established this pattern. I think his interest has waned. And mine is too now. I’m not chasing or settling for someone who isn’t that interested.

Why are you avoiding phone calls with Mr S, NotCool?

gettingthere I just don’t like using the phone. With anyone. If someone rings I will stare at the phone in panic wondering why they haven’t just texted!!

And gettingthere that’s some good advice. I’m still not sure what I want. This multi dating thing is new to me and to start with I hated it. Now I’m wondering if it suits me. For now at least!

gettingthere - that's me - all or nothing and I'm going to stick to it. Hence why MrPara got dumped. Why date if you haven't got time to even msg regularly! Grr.
notcool - I hate phone calls too and defo only talk on the phone if we've met but still don't like it. I'm only comfortable after we've built up a rapport. This might sound weird, but I see it as invading my personal space, especially if they really push for a call.

My gynae appt is next Thurs, so not too long to wait.

@Notcoolmum I'm busy, and my BF is very busy with work but we've always made the effort to maintain regular contact since before we even met for our first date. In fact it's not even been an effort, conversation has always flowed really well between us so I don't think there's actually been a day since he first messaged me on badoo where we haven't spoken! We've been together nearly 6 months now and contact has certainly increased over time not decreased. From what you've said he seems a little nonchalant and it's probably wise to step back. You don't want to feel like you're having to pull him up on it, especially so early on.

tooold fingers crossed for next Thursday x

I tend to use the phone for transactional purposes rather than chatting. And yes it definitely feels like an invasion! The only time I’ve spoken to Mr L on the phone was to arrange where to meet up. And not spoken to Mr S although he has suggested it and I’ve tried not to say no!

I think he's trying to say 'look, someone loved me once' haha.

That is amazingly pathetic. 😆

Sadly I think they believe that this is the photo of them when they looked best. But clearly they don’t think about how it comes across, or the fact that it’s a sign that their photos are not recent in the least (unless their marriage was super short). Neither is a good sign.

I’m similar about phone calls. I almost never use the phone (as a phone). I’ll avoid it wherever possible.

I hate phoning people because it feels very intrusive. Weirdly I don’t think people who call me are being intrusive (although I definitely screen calls) but I just don’t like the idea that I’m expecting someone to want to talk to me when I phone. It’s ridiculous really.

I’ve had precisely 3 phone conversations with my BF. We message loads but I don’t think either of us is big on phone conversation.

Ah see I love chatting on the phone. When I was OLD I wouldn't meet anyone until I'd spoken to them. A huge part of my job is phone based too so I am fine with it.

Absolutely TooOld! If they can't be arsed to get in touch on a regular basis (and I'm not one for constant contact) then there's no point.

Do you know, it's SO refreshing suddenly understanding that it's going to be ALL or NOTHING from now one. I entertain for a while each new man who comes my way but for the first time in ages I'm getting so good at separating the wheat from the chaff.

NotCool to a lesser extent I'm the same as you; I get so stressed when talking to someone for the first time on the phone and I always panic a little when I see a new number calling me. BatShit is right though; I force myself to get over my anxiety and talk before meeting up although my chap from Paris I was talking to for a month had a fab voice but in person he didn't float my boat. Which was awkward as he had taken the train to stay with me for the weekend.

TooOld hope the appointment goes well and there's nothing to get worried about.

I don't like phone calls either. Don't know why as I don't have a problem talking a lot.

I had a spontaneous coffee date today. Long story but we were supposed to meet 2 years ago and it didn't happen (his fault). He got back in touch yesterday and asked for another chance.
Physically he's not my type at all. But his personality was very different to how I expected and he was easy to get along with and chat to.
I suspect he will probably end up being a friend (without any benefits) but we're meeting again at the weekend.

I don't like phone calls either. Don't know why as I don't have a problem talking a lot.

Me too. I even give lectures for a living (or at least part of it). My phone aversion is just silly.

I hate using the phone, i worked in customer service for over 10 years in a call centre for big companies and now I have a phone aversion because a large percentage of people I had to converse with on the telephone were not very nice to me . when you've had numerous death threats and been called every rude name under the sun (and some you didn;t know existed) you tend to prefer messaging

Hi Guys, back on here to tell you I had my first date! I wasn't as nervous as I thought I'd be. I didnt feel an immediate spark but he seemed lile a nice guy, so I was happy to see him again to get to know him better.

We agreed to meet the weekend before Xmas but I had to cancel. Then Christmas happened.
He messaged me Xmas day and I did chat for a bit but couldn't carry on chatting that evening.
I messaged him a few days after Xmas apologising for being a bit quiet and just asking how he has been, and got no reply. He then send me a happy New year's message which I replied to. There was no other communication, until I messaged him last Sunday asking if he wanted to arrange the 2nd date. He comes back and says I haven't been talking much and he feels I'm not very committed, goes on to say he knows I must be busy with 2 kids but it doesn't take long to send a message. He feels I won't be able to give him the time he wants.

Err it was him who didn't respond to my messages and it was bloomin Xmas!
(I felt like I was being told off!)

So that ones out and I'm back to square one.

I think I've given up with tinder and bumble as I'm just not getting anywhere.

I really want to meet someone this year (been single 4 years now)

I want to try a paid site for a month or two seen as I'm getting nowhere with the free ones. I don't know which one is best though...can you guys please advise?