Dating Thread 144: Jingle Bells, Dating Tales, Single All The Way

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@Dan89 for me I like a “flavour” of what a guy might be like. As Batshit said I don’t need a list of favourite bands, films and TV shows.

I like an idea of what they do (even if generally eg engineering, sales, lorry driver) and some hint as to their personality. For example I’d avoid vegan hippy surfer types. I also like slightly witty lines, and obviously cringe at those that list their requirements as if they’re car shopping (things like smoking etc excepted as I think that’s reasonable to stipulate you wouldn’t date a smoker).

I hate the grumpy whiney profiles that say
Don't swipe if you're not going to message
Not looking for ONS /I don't send dick pics so don't ask (always by people who I'm sure are NOT inundated with offers of hook ups and requests for pics)
Not looking for a pen pal

Etc as it just sets the tone wrong. Keep it light, leave something they can ask about or spark a convo. I don't mind the fake reviews either tbh.

Dan89 - I think I looked at your profile a while ago and it sounded great. Have you updated it? Don't list loads of stuff you like doing as it can sound like you don't actually have time to date but if you say you are looking for a companion to do stuff with then this is a real positive.

Oh yes I like the silly ones too @shitwithsugaron 😁

One guy I started chatting to because he’d put something along the lines of “I’m on here because my usual method of finding women (ie too much alcohol and poor judgement) doesn’t seem to be working”.

Dan not every photo with you in sunglasses either.

And avoid the one liners that seem be doing the rounds like "want to leave the single market before the UK does" and looking for my partner in crime.

Yy to previous posters advice re profiles.
Also for me - no pics with your child,group pics where no one can tell which one is you,pics with ex girlfriend,topless gym selfies,with drugged up tigers,with snapchat filters. And yes cringe to partner in crime and brexit one liners

Yeah my friend and I are both on Tinder and Bumble and have a swipe left list:

Fish pics
Loads of gym pics
Group ones - which one is you?
With kids unless faces blurred out
With a woman who is probably your ex
Snapchat filter pics whilst you’re in bed

I do look at some and think is that really the best picture of you you could find?!?!

tooold sending you a hug. Can you go back to the hairdressers if you aren’t happy with your colour?

dan my swipe rules are real name, more than one photo, no kids or woman in main photo, no topless or lying down shots, and to have a bio. No negative comments in bio. Humour is good. I don’t mind lists if they are interesting.

This whole dating thing is all about swings and roundabouts.

One of my irons has annoyed me, again. There will be no third chances.

We first met in August. He was honest enough to tell me that he was afraid of getting into a serious relationship again mostly because when he was in love he could be anxious and even jealous. I took a step back in my head but we had some fab dates and we got on really well. (He's also really good looking which is not a primary criteria for me but it's pleasant.)

Messaging was sparse from him which got to me in Autumn. I sent him a very slightly probing question (nothing weird) to which I got absolutely no answer. I let it slip. Moved on. Two months later I sent him a message asking how he was and telling him I was a bit curious as to why he hadn't ever answered my message all those weeks ago. I immediately got an answer asking if I wanted to go out for a drink and a chat. From that moment communication was more regular, he instigated dates, took me out for lunch, dinner etc. We haven't slept together and I made it clear to him that if he couldn't envisage the possibility of a relationship I wasn't going to embark on a sexual relationship with him but I was happy enough being friends.

We saw each other January 1st; lunch and cinema. It was great. We see eye to eye on a lot of things and the attraction between us is very strong; there was plenty of kissing and cuddling in the cinema, even in the main streets of our city. We were really comfortable with each other. His parting words after our great date were 'I'm waiting for you to send me the next message. Perhaps you could invite me round for lunch at your place?' I promised I'd send him a message (he's instigated a lot of contact over the last weeks) I send him one a few days later letting him know I was thinking about him, he responds with an equally lovely one...and then for several days no contact at all. And I'm thinking to myself that I don't want to envisage sleeping with a man, however well we get on, if he doesn't want to be in contact from time to time during the week. Yesterday I sent him a message saying I was thinking about him, hoping he was ok and adding that I was a bit perplexed at the lack of contact between us; maybe something had happened since our last date?

No answer.

What a good job I'm not smitten. I'm not sad but I'm pissed off at his lightweight attitude. He's been very keen and patient and kind for weeks. I could have slept with him; we could have got on well but I'm SO glad I didn't. If he can go silent on me twice because I happen to ask him a slightly awkward question.

What do you think?

Dan89 I get really put off if all the pics are of the man doing a range of unfeasibly active hobbies - when on earth is there time to date?? And I can't understand why a selfie in a car/van/lorry is a good idea - just step out into the open air, who wants a man whose preferred environment is a box?

Positive images (for me): man against a nice landscape/place of interest, man SMILING (this seems hard for many men), man with dog (for I am obsessed with dogs).

Re bio - positive, humorous, no spelling or grammatical errors, not too long.

My ‘swipe left’ criteria is any of the following - will likely overlap with some of the PP:

• multiple group shots - feel like I’m playing ‘Where’s Wally’...
• photos with kids - bad enough if they’re the profile owner’s, but even worse if they are not theirs!
• very clearly ancient photos or photos that are so different from each other that you can’t really tell what’s meant to be recent or not. If someone explains that they frequently change hair colour/beard etc it’s fine, but it looks weird otherwise.
• inspirational quotes!
• people that are negative about their pasts/online dating/‘willing to lie about how we met’ etc
• a long list of stipulations for things that they want! A couple of dealbreakers make sense - smoking/active etc as those are lifestyle choices
• photos with singular women where it’s unclear whether they are a friend or ex. Female friendships not an issue at all but it’s disconcerting to think that some people use photos with their ex - also wedding attire if it’s not clear that they weren’t the groom

Oh, and super grumpy profile photos like a PP said - a genuine smile goes a long way!

Thanks all for your input. Yes, I think a few people looked at my profile a while back and gave some good feedback, but unfortunately whatever it was, it wasn't really working for me at the time. I've been off Pof for a while and am thinking about signing back up, as it seems to be the most active in my area.

Many of the points you guys don't want to see also apply to so many women! I've seen so many 'you must be this, that and the other...'bios. I would never bother messaging those people.

And I have actually seen a profile from a woman where her main pic was her in her own wedding dress!

Def smiley photos and no topless ones.

@dan89 I was discussing this exact topic the other day... women with their kids in photos/snapchat filters etc. It’s really weird!

I agree with PPs about photos - smiley, no kids/fish/drugged animals/fancy cars, whether they're yours or not. Also no badly cropped wedding pics, or ones with various women draped over you. And, possibly personal to me, not one of your clearly in the pub on a massive drinking session. I also dislike profiles where heavy drinking is implied. I'm divorced from an alcoholic ....

@Dan90 A bloke on Tinder had his main profile pic as his wedding one too. I think he's trying to say 'look, someone loved me once' haha.

@gettingstherehopefully I would forget him. I don't want to sound harsh (and I know I always think the worst) but, it sounds like he was hoping for s*x and when he didn't get it quick enough, he's moved on to someone else who will. I hope that is not the case but I think you are best to assume that for now. You should be really pleased you didn't sleep with him - well done you!!

An update from me. Mr Boring (I must change this) now seems quite keen although I am still rather reserved about him. He's still not asked me anything about myself and I'm also now worried he might be more after a FWB type thing. Mind you, I'm not sure I'm totally against that anyway. We may finally have got round to arranging a date but will keep you all posted.

Batshit I agree with all of those although I do have a picture of my drive though it’s not a flashy car. I hate photos of people out on the piss, photos where there’s many people in them and you don’t know who you are meant to be looking at, photos with a cigarette in hand (or/and a pint) and photos of children (I don’t need to see them).

I’m chatting to a guy who is my double on paper, sadly he lives too far away so it’s likely to be a no go.

Yes, yes, yes, CrappyDay, I agree with you. He's not a bad person, really, but there was no way I was going to sleep with him if he wasn't interested enough to send me a message from time to time.

Thank you for your answer. I'm so pleased I didn't give him what he wanted.

Next!