Dating Thread 144: Jingle Bells, Dating Tales, Single All The Way

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

[RollsEyes]

@scotgal2017, I rarely comment on here but when I do it's generally to you because I'm so frustrated that you're letting yourself be treated so poorly by this man. PLEASE get rid of him, you deserve so much better. He's treating you so badly that I get really angry on your behalf every time I read one of your posts. He's just not into you like you are into him I'm afraid, and by chasing him you're enabling him to continue to treat you shabbily.

Bin him off and some time to work on yourself and your self esteem. You'll be glad you did, I promise you.

[scotgal2017]

@subspace thankd for the input

@Rolleyes, thanks for your input too, i remember you posting about Mr CheekyBanter and i binned him soon after. I had taken nearly 18 months to build my self esteem/feel happy/work on myself and thought I was ready to find someone new but maybe I'm not as i just seem to keep attracting arseholes??? I'm a nice, kind person, why is it so difficult to find someone normal??

[Apparentlyacatch]

scotgal I'm exactly the same - all I seem to attract is selfish twats and I don't understand why.

[RollsEyes]

@scotgal2017, that was me 20 years ago, which is why I think I'm so frustrated because I can see myself then in you now! I was always too nice and understanding and forgiving, but now I realise that essentially (most) men are hunters and therefore like a challenge.

Setting out your stall and your high standards early means that you will attract men who are worthy of you. I know that sounds like a load of claptrap, but it's true. Make it your New Years resolution. If they can't jump to your standards, they're not worth having. This doesn't mean you're a horrible person, it just means that you're looking after yourself.

[Leatherandsilk]

Yes Scot bin, he isn’t even a good FWB!!

Well unsurprisingly Mr SY isn’t now free tomorrow, I know it’s pre Xmas but I’d already said if we could not do it that would be fine, so why pretend you might be able to then drop out, twice. He wanted to do post Xmas but I’m away then he’s off to work again so I’m out and done. Might continue to message but will be looking again into the new year as I have a week of no kids (rare as ex only has them on holidays) and I want a date in there rather than just work/gym/home!!

[gettingstherehopefully]

I've been in contact with a man from the other side of Paris (around 2 hours from my city) for over three weeks. We message several times every day and we speak to each other once a week. TBH he's the first man who has seemed 'normal' in the last two years of OLD. He initiates most of the messages, always asks how I am, is courteous and the conversations just flow. We both want the same things relationship-wise and it seems we've both reached a point since our respective divorces when we are ready for something more serious.

After a week of communicating he said he'd love for us to meet up; we checked our respective diaries (our childfree weekends don't coincide) and the first available opportunity was December 29. After our last conversation one evening he booked his train ticket to come and see me (without telling me) and surprised me the following day with a photo of the ticket on WhatsApp. I was really chuffed he'd taken the initiative after we'd talked about seeing each other.

We've only got a week to go before we meet up. I've been feeling strangely calm and positive about seeing each other for the first time; I know the spark might not be there despite the fact we get on really well through messages and talking. I've finally reached a point, three years after my husband left, when I value myself enough to expect more from men. I'm philosophical about things.

However I'll admit that I'm feeling the slump in motivation after almost four weeks or just talking and not seeing each other. I know he's messaged other women on OLD sporadically (I know it's 'normal' as we haven't met up yet). I haven't although I've been asked out my men in my city with who I've been chatting to. I turned down these dates because I was too tired and I'm not terribly good at multi dating either; I felt keen to give things a go with this guy. My tiredness must account for my lack of motivation. I'm beginning to doubt things whereas before I was surfing on a wave of enthusiasm. Before I thought a potential LDR would suit me perfectly now I'm wondering if we're mad for even meeting up.

Sorry for being so negative. I'm just wondering if you think it's daft us meeting up in the first place or if you have any advice. It's just that we've been getting on so well and I haven't had a moment of doubt (rare for me ) with him until yesterday.

[stubbornstains]

I think it's natural to feel all up and down about someone you haven't yet met, getting. When you're messaging and chatting with someone but haven't yet met them, it's a weird, sometimes intense period, which, IMO, has more to do with the dopamine hits and ego boost of hearing message "pings" rather than getting to know a real person. I guess you only get to know someone properly once you've met them.

So....I have been chatting to this blind man on Bumble for a little bit, and today we actually had a talk on the phone for half an hour. He sounds really nice . I think definitely friend potential if nothing more, although I must admit I like the look of him from his photos too. Don't have to worry about how I look like to him, but he did message me after and say I had a lovely voice . We've agreed to meet after Christmas.

[scotgal2017]

@getting, agree with @stubbornstains, i think you just have the pre-1st date jitters.

Thanks all for advice about Mr Italy. I have a feeling i'll probably be ghosted now anyway but if he does get in touch i'll meet him to explain why we are not compatible (i.e he's an arsehole and I'm not )

i think it's a combination of things that mean I give them more of a chance than i should: abusive STBXH found someone a month after he left (didn;t tell me until 5 months in but I saw the phone bills), i'm quite lonely as moved back here from abroad and so have to build up friends circle etc, live in a small village so can't just pop to restaurants/clubs etc, have kids who go to their dad's for 2 weeks at a time every month and a half, I have 3 dogs so can't just meet someone one night and pull an all nighter lol, also work til early evening and i don't think i'm the most attractive woman in the world as no-one ever seems to approach me if i am out!!

[TwiceMagic]

@scotgal2017 a pot plant called Charles would definitely be an improvement on what you’ve got with Mr Italy.

Your Christmas social experiment sounds great @DaffoDeffo.

My BF is doing Christmas morning with his kids (and his ex). Then he’s coming here for dinner. I’ve found present buying for him a bit tough (6 months in). So I’d imagine it’d be really hard at a few weeks in @TooOldForThis67. I’m going to grab him some obscure beer from a local beer shop (he likes obscure beer). He asked me what my expectations of presents were and I laughed. I think his ex was pretty demanding and princessy so he’s finding it hard to believe that I don’t really care what he gets me (or even if I get a present really). I’m ridiculously independent and but my own stuff generally. Plus I spent a decade with a man who regularly didn’t buy me presents and clearly didn’t care.

[TwiceMagic]

Good luck @shitwithsugaron.

[gettingstherehopefully]

scotgal2017 and stubbornstaines, you're both brill. Thank you for responding to my far too long post. What you've both said makes sense. I really also think the first day of holiday slump after working so hard has something to do with it. Plus I've got PMT for the first time in 3 months (I've just turned 50); perfect timing!

[gettingstherehopefully]

Good luck shitwithsugaron!

I hope you remember his name when you meet him.

[coolcahuna]

Good luck shitwithsugaron. I'm feeling a bit low today. Yesterday, Mr ex suggested lunch today, predictably it hasn't happened as he had a row with his son. He's come back with other suggestions, none that I can do. I'm finding it hard as his actions are not matching words and I found myself getting upset today about it :-(. Which is not really the point of trying to see someone is it. I told him I was upset and he's suggested other times.

But I don't really trust my own emotions at the moment, I find the run up to Christmas hard as it has some bad memories for me. So maybe I just need to park the whole thing and concentrate on family. Why does it all have to be so hard !

Eating cheese and drinking gin and tonic.xxx

[stubbornstains]

Regarding the continuing to see people who are a bit shit, scotsgal, I do this too. Both my sons' fathers were abusive, I thought I'd learned a lot, yet still went on to have a 6 month relationship with someone who wasn't right- putting me down, negging, weird selfish behaviour. I would literally lie awake in bed thinking "Why am I with this person?", yet it was as if some force was stopping me walking....until, 6 months in, we went to a talk, I asked a question at the end, and afterwards he told me I'd made a fool of myself for doing so. I snapped, walked off, and have never seen him since.

It is absolutely terrifying how deep the conditioning goes, and how, even when you know something is wrong, you kind of "freeze". And I really do worry that I might end up with someone like that again, despite myself.

[TooOldForThis67]

cool - If I had gin I'd join you but I have Brandy and coke, will that do?

[JeSuisPrest]

@shitwithsugaron Is this a mid date update? How exciting!!

[subspace]

@shitwithsugaron eeeep let us know asap how it's going!!

@gettingstherehopefully pre-1st date jitters is defo a thing. I didn't meet up with Mr HitlersHouse for 2 months, got along very well over text but when we met my heart sank, he wasn't anything like his pictures and really not my type, and, y'know, let it sleep that he had a brick from hitlers house on his bedroom mantlepiece, which was enough to make me run for the hills! So do your best to keep evening in your heart and mind as light as you can, renege the rule of the dating these it's all bullshit until it happens. I read somewhere that French men are way more into romance and meaningful gestures than Brits, and I'm impressed by the train ticket, so in sincerely hope you have a much better experience than mine! Xxx

[coolcahuna]

tooold, rum and coke is fine!

Stopped at the one gin, too emotional tonight and will tip me over the edge 🤣

[gettingstherehopefully]

Oh, subspace you made me laugh out loud with your Hitler brick comment! I would have run away as fast as my legs could carry me!

I've been living in France for 20 years and can't remember what it's like to date English men. I would say that French men are much more flirtatious and very good at game playing. The train ticket really surprised me in a positive way.

I'm so cynical and cautious now when it comes to OLD after having had a few disappointments. At least this guy has a great job, has his children half the time, does all the housework and seems to have a great group of friends. It's refreshingly normal and positive! I do agree that I might very well get the sinking feeling when I see him though. Funnily enough he was at his Christmas work party this week and he spent an hour messaging me (under the influence of a few glasses of champagne). He admitted he was really excited about meeting me but was anxious too.

coolcahuna, I hope you're ok. Christmas can be such a difficult time of year. I love G&T but find that more than one makes me a bit maudlin.

[coolcahuna]

gettingsthere , thankyou. Yeah just stuck to the one gin as any more will make me more emotional than I already am. It's the time of year for me, I don't like it and just going through the motions really. Mr Ex reappearing is not helping me really as it's like having a carrot dangled of what I know we could have. It's making me frustrated with him. He was very patient today when I got cross though

Have you seen many pics of ticket guy ? Keeping everything crossed.

subspace, the bit about Hitler's brick made me laugh out out.

[coolcahuna]

shitwithsugar brilliant ! Drunken snog on the cards??

[gettingstherehopefully]

Thanks coolcahuna. I've seen three pictures of him. I think the one on WhatsApp looks realistic. He's got a great voice btw.

I don't know your history with Mr Ex, unfortunately. It sounds as though you're frustrated because there's a lot of potential between you but something he's done has prevented you both from having something good...have I got that right or not? If I have understood the source of your sadness correctly I empathise with you as I've been through something like that recently. It was SO frustrating.