Dating Thread 144: Jingle Bells, Dating Tales, Single All The Way

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Busy thread trying g to catch up!! I too hate the phone I feel so nervous rather meet face to face I just find it hard to read the mood on the phone.

I was looking for some advice I have tickets to concert end of month - I bought last May and in my head I said I'm taking a man with me!!

So question is I am not exclusive with any of my guys and I want to ask one of them but not sure when to ask?? The guy I'd like to ask I've only been on 2 dates with seeing him this weekend so not sure it's too soon?? But if I leave it till later to ask him then he can't go it's then really late to ask other guys??

Help 🙈🙈🙈

How about;
"He's my best son!" - mum (I'm an only child)

"He feeds me every day!" - my cat (if he could talk)

"Why haven't you swiped right yet?" - your conscience

Would any of you date someone who is not in work (due to a injury, disability)? Talking to someone who seems lovely but he doesn’t work. I shall call him Mr Vegan, and yes he’s vegan.

I’m getting desperate for a date now, contemplating scraping the bottom of the barrel and dating someone who doesn’t tick all my boxes just so I don’t get another weekend with no dates.

I probably wouldn’t. Although I’d be more put off by the vegan thing. Veganism is a definite no for me. 😂

Twice yes the vegan thing isn’t ideal, I am a meat eater but can have the odd vegan meal before wanting to eat a rare steak .

lovemusic if he was independent and had interests yes.

I’m a veggie so vegan wouldn’t bother me.

Well today I had my second date with Mr Chatty! I thought it went really well and I did feel there was s connection but he just gave me a polite kiss on the cheek to say goodbye. I suppose it's a good thing that I actually did want more. I have messaged him to say that I really enjoyed it so we shall see!
A few other irons, continuing to chat to Mr Island and will hopefully meet him in 2 weeks, a couple of others who I will only give names if there are actual plans to meet.

@Focus2019 ask whoever you want to, they can only say no!
It's a concert not marriage, I say go for it ☺️

Loving how the veginism is more of a issue than him not working. He is independent, has a flat and a car, he has a injury that stops him from working. He seems really nice apparent from not eating meat.

I have had quite a few messages on POF but most are not my type, this is where I’m tempted to scrape the bottom of the barrel but I probably won’t, I think I would rather have a day to myself then date someone who really isn’t my type.

Day off work today and I’m off out shopping with friends, wouldn’t it be nice if we could just bump into Mr perfect whilst out in the real world rather than online dating?

I don't eat meat either. Does this mean I'm doomed?

Dan it doesn’t bother me tbh, I don’t mind what people eat as long as they don’t mind what I eat, I wouldn’t want to date someone who’s gong to call me a murderer on a date if a chose a meat dish but I’m sure not all vegans would do that 🤣, I’m happy to cook for vegans or vegetarians.

I don’t think it means you’re doomed, @Dan89. Plenty of people would prefer to date a vegetarian.

In my case, I was actually put off by it. But that’s about me, my history and family situation, rather than vegetarians themselves.

Love I wouldn't agree to a date with someone just because you don't want to spend the weekend alone.

I dated someone who was vegetarian. Not a problem for me. And vegan would be fine so long as they were ok with your choice to eat meat. However finding restaurants with a decent vegetarian menu was a problem. It made going out for a meal a bigger issue than it should've been.

I'm veggie, not full vegan. Personally I think it indicates ability to commit!

Hi all. I appreciate that joining towards the end of a thread isn't the best idea really - I know how quickly these threads move on (I used to be on here under a different name around thread 84/85!) but I really need to get some feedback/advice on this situation.

I've been largely single for 6+ years - a couple of flings here and there but nothing else. I don't meet anyone in real life and every now and again I reactivate my pof account to see if I'm missing out on anything. I never am.

So I reactivated my pof account for a couple of weeks at the end of November. I chatted to a couple of people here and there but didn't have any particular interest in carrying on chatting or meeting them.

And then...

I saw a photo I quite liked the look of so checked out his profile. On 'paper' he was perfect for me. So I messaged him saying what a shame we lived so far apart. He replied that it was and I thought I'd hear no more. But I did. And now, about 6 weeks after first chatting (which is far longer than I'd normally chat for without meeting!) we are meeting on Saturday.

We've chatted loads over the past few weeks. Check in every day. Sometimes just good morning/goodnight and little more, some times whole evenings of converstions.

He hasn't been inappropriate in any way in any of our chats. He 'ticks boxes' faster than the boxes can be drawn and hasn't ticked a single negative. He's not once made me feel uncomfortable. I can't see any immediate problems.

With one exception.

He lives 200 miles away. We are meeting in a city almost midway between each of us.

I'm not daft. My position is that I'm expecting to have a lovely time with someone I've enjoyed chatting to and if we click and there's 'something there', great and, if not, it'll have been a nice few weeks of chatting and a good day out. I'm not over invested.

Even so, is it mad to even consider this?

Honestly, I know lots of people who would most definitely prefer a man who was vegetarian.

I think I'm unusual in being put off by it, but it's because my ex was abusive and he used food, and claims of going vegetarian to control what I did and to ruin things. For example, he (purposefully, I realise in hindsight) chose to ruin a nice birthday meal out by ordering the vegetarian version of a tasting menu and then complaining and sulking all the way through because it wasn't as good as the meat eater version I'd ordered. Or he'd insist that he needed to eat less meat so that I'd have to make changes to what I was cooking, or cook him something separate, because he couldn't (and wouldn't) cook. Or we'd go out and he'd order a fucking mushroom burger (which I'd tell him he wouldn't like) and then try to get me to swap with him because he didn't like a bloody great mushroom instead of a burger (you can insert other bad food choices for mushroom burger there because he did this kind of thing a lot). Plus all the claiming moral superiority about it all was insufferable (I know most vegetarians don't do this, but not-actually-vegetarian ex certainly did). So it's just not something I want to deal with because it has negative connotations for me.

And my son has medical dietary restrictions which limits what we can eat and makes choosing a restaurant/finding something suitable to eat when out a pain in the arse (and sometimes actually impossible - I often have to take an emergency picnic option for him for days out). I don't want a partner whose dietary choices further limit this, especially as they will often conflict with what's easiest to feed DS.

I'd say you're unlikely to find anyone else with similar feelings about vegetarian possible partners. I'm actually aware that I'm not being rational about it - other men aren't my ex and don't employ vegetarianism as some means of controlling (and annoying) their partner.

TwiceMagic I am very much the same - I love vegetarian and vegan food, especially when cooked by my lovely daughter, but I will NOT be lectured about it or made to feel guilty about eating meat occasionally.

Stupid XH became so political about food that every single family meal became a battleground of guilt-tripping and childish tantrums. I would add that the politicking he became so obsessed with (other topics too, don't get me started) was, it turns out, brought on by his burgeoning friendship with his now GF which started before I chucked him out and which I didn't know about until some time later. So yes, it hits an emotional sore spot.

I also worry that quite a few young women that I know are leaping on the vegan bandwagon as a way of enabling/worsening their underlying eating disorders. That's not the fault of veganism obviously, eating disorders are so complex, but again it puts me off.

That sounds awful @DogDayMorning. She's clearly caught herself a crappy one.

Hilariously, my ex's obsession (and he is prone to obsessions) with vegetarianism was in part related to a really obvious (and hugely embarrassing) man-crush he had (and still has) on a vegetarian man. So it probably started as an attempt to be just like him. And also related an insufferably smug (yet often deeply selective and hypocritical) environmentalism that pervades our shared professional area. It proved to be a useful way of ruining my life and being a bastard though, so that suited him too.

He's probably upgrading to veganism these days. And, actually, that would just be a symptom of his generally poor mental health (although, apparently suggesting that his incredibly weird and problematic behaviours might be a mental health issue is apparently gaslighting). One of the various ways that his anxiety and OCD (as well as his general being an arsehole) manifest is through orthorexic type food and drink obsessions. He was starting to say really irritating things about veganism just before I managed to move into my own place (including repeatedly suggesting that DS should be vegan, despite meat and dairy being two of the 3 categories of food that he can generally eat and him being a total veg refuser).

I think people with our kind of history with vegetarian men (and the emotions that brings up) are fairly unusual. At least I hope they are.

Blimey TwiceMagic, our stories re vegetarianism are very similar aren't they? Mental health issues, man-crushes and all. I do feel sorry for the GF as he is sponging off her now just like he sponged off me, and she sounds like a cool lady who has been extremely kind to my DDs. If she hadn't taken him on then he would be a massive financial and emotional burden to the (grownup) DDs, so - now that I no longer see him at all so can enjoy my food! - I'm very glad she happened along. I just wish he had been honest with me, as I always was with him.

@Dan89 sorry I don't like it. I see WAY too many profiles like that and I always think its so unoriginal. Sorry for being a bit harsh there. Mind you I am critical of everyone's profile and my own one isn't great either.The one posted by @shitwithsugaron is very good though.

@Dayaftertomorrow you're not mad at all. Its SO hard to find someone on these sites who is normal, never mind ticks the boxes. Distance is a problem of course, but I'm definitely the type of person to think 'worry about that later'. You have absolutely nothing to lose by meeting him. After all, you might not like him as much in person and if you don't go, you will always wonder....

OMG Twice and DogDay I can see why you wouldn't date a vegan/vegetarian after those experiences! Similar to my issue with men and drinking.

I know one vegan who is an absolute pain in the arse about it, all the rest of my vegan and veggie friends are fine. I don't eat much meat either so dating a veggie would be fine for me.

Day my last (via OLD) relationship (of over a year) was long distance - working in my city for some of the week. His family and very ill family member in his town hundreds of miles away. He was made redundant so moved to be solely back 'home' - we tried to make it work (for brevity and because it would be outing I've left out all the other complications) but couldn't For that reason I would never start a relationship like that again...