Message from DH's colleague

[Drinkthruastraw]

Wrapping Xmas presents in our bedroom last night, DH's phone charging and WhatsApp message pinged and came up on screen, so I glanced, then had a proper look as it was 4 love heart emojis! It was from a colleague who he's worked with for 10 years, never had any vibes about anything untoward although I know they're friends. So I read the chain - her asking him what he thought of a new joiner, his reply, and then wishing him a merry Xmas and saying "I love you"!!! He then said it back with a kiss then she sent the 4 hearts!

Just not sure what to make of it. She was on the train as they'd been out for drinks (with others) so I'm veering between she was a bit tipsy and getting all sentimental or they're having a wild affair!

I'm being really off with him and he has no idea why - can't tell him I've read the messages and I do think there's nothing going on and they've just been friends for years but it's a bit inappropriate!

Thoughts?

Agree weird that he deleted the messages. But doesn’t necessarily mean there is actually anything going on, don’t jump to any conclusions!

I do think the other posters are right and you should talk to him about it, he shouldn’t be upset with you for seeing a notification on his phone, that he left in the room with you. If my partner gets a text and he’s left his phone next to me I usually pick it up, and he does the same with mine. It doesn’t bother either of us.

You're right @Drinkthruastraw there's absolutely no point in asking him about it at all just now.

1. He'll kick off at invasion of privacy and use that as an excuse to change passcode/ storm out etc

1. He'll say no of course not it's just friendly banter I love you silly billy etc (whether he is or not)

You'll need to start digging for info on her and try and follow them or put the feelers out discreetly.

I used to be best mates with a guy I worked with - we were both married and got on so well used to meet up on days off for coffees and take kids out. My dh knew and was fine with it (he sometimes got jealous of the texts) but I discovered that his wife was really jealous and he never told her if he was meeting up with me.

Nothing ever happened but clients and colleagues did used to think we were a couple because of the (non sexual) chemistry.

It may be nothing and he's deleting them so you don't read into it when it's innocent.

Also when a man is having an affair usually its all about the sex. If it was as serious as 'I love you' in thar kind of context surely he'd be planning to leave and be all offy with you? Trying to cause arguments etc? I may be naive but in my experience extra marital affairs with men aren't usually about blunt endearment but usually racy texts and messages of a sexual nature.

I told two of my male colleagues I loved them (in group chat) last night when more than a little tipsy. They'd just pat my arm and laugh at me in the new year when I see them. I do tell friends I love them often

I would be annoyed, and it's very inappropriate - but I have to say, I don't think they're having an affair. Maybe on the cusp of an emotional affair though, so best keep an eye on things.

Also wanted to add that I agree that the younger generation tend to be more touchy-feely, and always telling each other they love them.

I think he probably deleted the texts because he didn't want the OP to see them, in case she got the wrong idea!

But yeah I would be annoyed by this. I would have to say something though. Ask him OP, how he would feel if a male colleague texted I LOVE YOU to you.

Tbh my thoughts are that your husbands actions are not those of someone having an affair.

A person having an affair changes there password - then gives a dud reason as to why

A person having an affair is not someone to leave it lying around, will charge at bedtime or have it Charing next to them

Jesus, grow up. And all of you advising for more snooping, just grow up.

You went through his phone (!) and read one drunken message from a long time friend and can now notice that he’s not acting guilty. He has nothing to feel guilty about, he is allowed to have other close friends, even females ones. It’s you who should feel guilty, in fact, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Seems like the husband may have arrived on MN

No bastardkitty I'd say oofa is just another sensible poster who gets fed up of all the ridiculous 'he's cheating' 'snoop on him' bullshit that is constantly spouted on here. It's pathetic. It makes women doubt themselves and their partners more. It makes them insecure. It can make them feel like they are inadequate because they aren't setting the 'boundaries' that a bunch of crazy women set. It can ruin relationships.

Mumsnet is known for being full of crazy women for a reason. And also known as being full of man-haters for a reason.

I wouldn’t say I love you to a work colleague much less she’d heart emojis.

I asked DP and he said he wouldn’t either it’s not appropriate.

The fact the OP’s DP deleted the message could be because she has said she feels something is going on and he is covering his back.

However the text messages are not your normal regular text messages to work colleagues unless he also tells his male colleagues he loves them.

A person having an affair changes there password - then gives a dud reason as to why

A person having an affair is not someone to leave it lying around, will charge at bedtime or have it Charing next to them

Oh, if only it were that easy. We all like to think we'd see the signs, that they'd always be there. But I had compete open access to my dp's phone and laptop, knew all his passwords, regularly used both and even had a shared photo library so any photo he took would show in my phone's album. I'd scrolled through his messages whenever I wanted and he was never even a little bit cagey about it.

...because he didn't have to be. Because he had separate messaging apps on his phone that were hidden from the apps list. Because he had separate logins for everything, secret albums, and all along his being so open was the perfect cover.

I'm not saying this is anything to do with the op, just that there is no one way for a man to be when he is a lying, cheating scumbag.

@Dita. My STBXH of 23 years was exactly the same. I knew his passwords for his phone, iPad and laptop. Trusted him implicitly but he conducted his affair for months without me suspecting.

I really hope this isn’t what’s happening to you OP but it’s proof men that do have affairs can be very clever in covering their tracks.

I didn’t think he was having an affair however the fact he’s deleted the messages says ALOT!
However... that gives you an excuse

Say to him the other night you saw the messages pop up on the screen but didn’t snoop but ever since you feel uneasy about them and want to have a look. See what he says and go from there. When he says he’s deleted them ask him why?! I’m sorry, but the only reason why he’d delete messages is because he wouldn’t want you to see them. It doesn’t mean he’s having an affair but he’s obviously keeping something hidden. What else has he deleted that you’re completely unaware about?
Use this to your advantage and ask him!

If you don’t you will go completely mad

We had a really long conversation last night- about 3 hours, I didn't tell him I'd seen the messages but did ask if anything had ever gone on between them. I believe his reaction was genuine and he was utterly shocked that I would think that. Again though I thought surely he must have twigged that I'd seen the messages but he didn't say which as I've said before makes me think a) he's Oscar worthy or b) he's forgotten about them/doesn't think they mean anything. I agree he deleted them as he doesn't want the grief - he's told me silly lies or omitted info years ago just to avoid a row - nothing to do with other women just silly things.

We talked about lots of other stuff and he's all about how we can get to a place where I trust him as he hasn't done anything to warrant my distrust but he'll do whatever I ask. He's being great - loving, kind and not defensive. I dont believe he's having an affair but I still don't understand or like the impropriety of the messages so I'm going to keep an eye out.

Thanks all x

Well done on having ‘The Talk’. Glad it’s all has gone well, but as you say, you are going to keep your eye out. No harm in being cautious.

He may have deleted them because of how it looks. Not because there is anything going on.

Just enjoy Christmas... and in the new year check if anything else happens.

I wouldn't ask him about it either. This thread shows up may say I love you to a Male colleague without it being an affair.

Stop worrying.

Well done on talking to him. I hope you feel a little better today

You talked to him, you talked of how he appeared genuinely surprised, you don't report that he tried to gaslight you (a positive sign) and told you he'll do anything he has to go gain your trust.

And yet YOU have not been honest and just simply said that you just happened to see the hearts and it freaked you out. We all know that some phones pop up the message for a second on the screen so he will know that as well so saying you happened to see it shouldn't be a problem.

For the life of me why you're stubbornly refusing at every stage to have done this and just told him, I cannot fathom. It is of course pretty much too late and pointless to do so now, you've missed your window.

It made you unhappy and feel it was inappropriate - you're no further to the bottom of it than you were before but, if this is closure for you then that's great, but it sounds like it really isn't actually and now you're on a 'watching and waiting' scenario which seems incredibly unhealthy - when all you had to say from the outset was, I saw these love hearts and was utterly shocked - is this something you do all the time because I find it inappropriate which would have been the perfect time for this person who wants you to trust him, to show you his phone and speak to you genuinely to reassure you...

Good for you, OP.

I agree with RangeRider and think that some of the posters here are absolutely delighting in their gossipy nonsense dressed up as proof positive of cheating.

The posters saying that deleting messages is proof are ridiculous and that's putting it kindly. Stop doing that. The same old ones on every 'is he or isn't he?' thread. So transparent.

What does 'deleting/not deleting mean'? It can mean anything:

DELETING: Oh? Not important. Deleted. OR, My partner will see this - there's nothing in it - Deleted. OR Up to no good - Deleted.

NOT DELETING: Oh. Not important. OR Didn't see it/didn't register - no important then. OR, I can't delete that message, I want to keep reading it again and again.

OR something else. Your speculating is miserable and is causing misery to somebody who's asked for support. Pathetic of you.

I won't say what I think of the posters who trip over each other to say and misspell, Cherchez la femme. Utterly grim.

What @oofadoofa said. This place is ridiculous a lot of the time.

Glad you talked to him but your snooping was really bad.

Also as far as deleting stuff goes - I delete messages and chat history every week to save space on my phone. That's it. Chat conversations especially with memes and photos/gifs etc mount up and take up a lot of space if you don't clear them periodically.

I talk to a handful of close friends, mixed genders and I tell them I love them a lot. When I tell them that, it's not the same as when I tell my fiancé I love him, it's platonic love. They know what, my fiancé knows that, and when my friends tell me the same regardless of their gender, it's not something anyone is suspicious of.

I'm so tired of the culture of instant distrust of people who tell their friends they love them. No wonder folks end up being jealous balls of rage for no reason. You do not own people.

"He hasn't done anything to warrant my distrust"... hang on ... he has exchanged I love you texts with a colleague, not been honest and told you the reason why but deleted the messages !! Deffo have a good reason to be suspicious.
I personally think you are under-reacting. Something is going on even if it's just flirting. Because at the very least, he deleted those messages....

Oh dear

Does he consider her a best friend ? Don't you think he should mention that she says "I love you to him". It may all be innocent but sounds like you're trying 100% to avoid any chance of an emotional affair. There's definitely lack of trust somewhere if he won't admit that she's confessed her love for him (friendly or not) and you also won't own up that you saw the texts. He obviously thinks you haven't seen the texts as He's deleted them.

.
Either way your relationship is lacking trust...

Me and my male friend (who I work with) tell each other we love each other when the other is having a really hard time and feeling lonely. I have never fancied anyone less and visa versa, we are just genuinely loving friends. Just throwing it out there that it can be completely harmless and just genuinely two friends loving each other as besties