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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Message from DH's colleague

229 replies

Drinkthruastraw · 21/12/2018 17:36

Wrapping Xmas presents in our bedroom last night, DH's phone charging and WhatsApp message pinged and came up on screen, so I glanced, then had a proper look as it was 4 love heart emojis! It was from a colleague who he's worked with for 10 years, never had any vibes about anything untoward although I know they're friends. So I read the chain - her asking him what he thought of a new joiner, his reply, and then wishing him a merry Xmas and saying "I love you"!!! He then said it back with a kiss then she sent the 4 hearts!

Just not sure what to make of it. She was on the train as they'd been out for drinks (with others) so I'm veering between she was a bit tipsy and getting all sentimental or they're having a wild affair!

I'm being really off with him and he has no idea why - can't tell him I've read the messages and I do think there's nothing going on and they've just been friends for years but it's a bit inappropriate!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 22/12/2018 07:33

I don’t think the OP means he’s deleted them, I think she means there are no other messages.

Original poster
Drinkthruastraw · 22/12/2018 07:34

No not deleted just nothing further. But you're all saying that if he does delete then that's firm proof?

OP posts:
twoundertwo54321 · 22/12/2018 07:36

Of course it's not! I think you should be honest and just say how you feel and that you saw the hearts and feel sick with worry. I honestly think it's nothing and you are better off clearing the air and moving on.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 22/12/2018 07:38

Drink if he did delete them it wouldn't be proof at all. He could delete them because he knows you're worried about something and thinks the totally innocent messages could look a bit concerning to you, or because he thinks they're stupid.

Iwantmychairback · 22/12/2018 07:38

If it helps any, a couple of years ago, on our works do, I was sober my boss was drunk. I got up to leave and my boss came to give me a hug and kiss and said ‘you do know I love you don’t you?’
It sounds bad out of context, but we have worked together for over 16 years and it was the end to quite a serious conversation we had been having earlier.
He always ends a text to me with a x as text tend to be personal messages (happy birthday, hope you feel better soon, etc) and will sometimes end a ‘jockey’ email with x to show he is not being serious.

NomsQualityStreets · 22/12/2018 07:40

If he's deleted them I wouldn't say it's firm undeniable proof of an affair but it would mean that he knows the messages are innapropriate/would upset you/he wouldn't want you to find out about them which in turn makes it more than just harmless drunk texts because they shouldn't be anything to hide.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 22/12/2018 07:43

When you start talking about "losing the power", it sounds like you want something over him.

You DID snoop, you found something you don't like and the only reasonable way to move forward is to own up and ask him what's happening. Best case scenario, he's annoyed at you for being a snoop and has done nothing wrong, leaving you to move forward. Worst case scenario, you can stop asking us to guess what's happening and he confesses to something. I think it will be he first option, personally.

You seem to want him to take responsibility for something yet won't yourself. Own up and be honest. That's what any health marriage is based on.

LizzieSiddal · 22/12/2018 07:48

You’re getting yourself into a right old state!

I agree with others that you can’t go on speculating and worrying.

Tell him you saw the hearts pop up and are worried.

maddiemookins16mum · 22/12/2018 07:49

My heart and head says its harmless op.

ghostbusters · 22/12/2018 07:52

Is all the chat on WhatsApp? If you delete messages on WhatsApp then it leaves a note, where the message was, to say message deleted.

mimibunz · 22/12/2018 07:52

I think you should come clean and talk to him. You can’t lose power by shining light on darkness.

costacoffeecup · 22/12/2018 07:55

If you're worried about the snooping thing can you just say you saw the heart emoji message when it flashed up on the lock screen? Then you don't have to say you accessed his phone?

I think that would be enough for you to ask him about it, maybe something like 'I saw she sent lots of hearts to you which has just made me a bit on edge, so that's why I've been acting a bit different...' and see what he says?

Escolar · 22/12/2018 07:58

This one sounds innocent to me OP.

StoppinBy · 22/12/2018 07:59

You need to ask him, if you don't it will just eat you away but if you do there is possibly a very reasonable explanation.....just ask.

MaggieMuggins · 22/12/2018 08:08

OP I think you need to tell him that you saw the live hearts pop up and that it's made you worried. Which is the truth. Let him reassure you by showing you the messages.

It sounds to me like he is innocent and I'm someone whose ex-H left me for another woman. He deleted all their texts and the only way I worked out who she was was because her name came up as the last person a message had been sent to when you composed a new message (old school Nokia days!)

Every time I raised concerns about 'us' he shut me down, didn't reassure me at all.

MargotMoon · 22/12/2018 08:09

*love hearts

RangeRider · 22/12/2018 08:11

She was drunk. Whenever a drunk person tells me they love me I always say the same back - it's what people do with drunk numpties!
This ^^. It's the standard response isn't it? And if he's the type to mirror which you've said he is, and he uses emojis, then this is nothing more than her having a few too many and spilling over with festive cheer and him rolling his eyes and mentally going 'yes me too, right back at you, whatever'.
OP these sort of threads always bring out the posters who want to say that it's an affair, that you should LTB and how you've been hoodwinked. Ignore them. Your DH has nothing wrong that you know of so don't wreck Christmas and your marriage just because a few sad inadequates on Mumsnet get their kicks out of piling on the pain. Tell DH that you saw the hearts pop up and it's freaked you out & you're really sorry for not trusting him. His reaction will tell you that you've been a grade A plonker and you'll both feel better. Don't let it fester.

Ellapaella · 22/12/2018 08:11

Just tell him you saw the message come up on the screen - it's not snooping, you saw the screen light up and were curious as to why there were hearts all over the screen. Honestly if it's all above board I'm sure he'd rather you asked him so that he can reassure you rather than stew over it for days letting it ruin your Christmas.
Just ask him about it.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 22/12/2018 08:11

I also think you need to talk to him. Do you need to say you were snooping? Can you not just say you happened to see the hearts come up on his phone?

RangeRider · 22/12/2018 08:12

But you're all saying that if he does delete then that's firm proof?
No, it's proof that he doesn't feel the need to hang onto drunken texts!

Queenofthedrivensnow · 22/12/2018 08:15

I think it's innocent. A sexual
Message would be different

Confusednewname · 22/12/2018 08:25

You know your dh and say you believe he's confused by what you're worried about so tell him. You were wrapping presents and his phone caught your eye cause you'd seen heart emojis so took a closer look and its been irking you since. Maybe lie and say you didnt look any further because you trust him but its been at the back of your mind since. If he's innocent he'll offer to show you the messages to put your mind at rest. It all sounds innocent to me (but then I tell my a couple of male colleagues I love them. Thats just the relationship we have with each other. We're both happily taken and haven't considered it would be out of place)

Don't let this ruin christmas - if he had something to hide the messages would have been deleted, you wouldnt know his passcode, and he definitely wouldnt be leaving his phone with his settings so his messages show up, especially around you! Please just talk to him and put both your minds at rest, you can find out what this is all about and be reassured, and he can know whats bothering you and put your mind at ease

Luckingfovely · 22/12/2018 08:26

Mumsnet is bonkers. Is everyone full of Christmas spirit?

Usually in these cases 99% of people would say he's obviously cheating, but it's the other way round this time.

I love you, back and forth, and love hearts?

The chances of this being innocent would seem about that 1% to me - sorry, op. I hope I'm wrong.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 22/12/2018 08:31

I'm with @RangeRider - Tell DH that you saw the hearts pop up and it's freaked you out & you're really sorry for not trusting him. His reaction will tell you that you've been a grade A plonker and you'll both feel better. Don't let it fester.

It does sound as if she's being drunk and affectionate - not in a sexual way, in a comfortable, been friends for a long time way - and he's patting her on the head with a, 'yes dear' kind of response. That's how I read it anyway. But ask! Communicate with him and give him a chance.

Changedname3456 · 22/12/2018 08:31

Bloody hell OP, I think you’re over-reacting massively here.

What’s possibly most concerning is that you seem to be seriously ready to end your marriage over a single text exchange which is (at least) massively open to interpretation.

My opinion, based on what you’ve described and his behaviour etc, is that she was drunk and he mirrored. Be careful that you don’t take some of the more extreme examples given on this thread as the norm. This panel is self-selecting in that it’s a problems page - it’ll tend to attract a bigger than normal proportion of people that have experienced the worst.

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