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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Message from DH's colleague

229 replies

Drinkthruastraw · 21/12/2018 17:36

Wrapping Xmas presents in our bedroom last night, DH's phone charging and WhatsApp message pinged and came up on screen, so I glanced, then had a proper look as it was 4 love heart emojis! It was from a colleague who he's worked with for 10 years, never had any vibes about anything untoward although I know they're friends. So I read the chain - her asking him what he thought of a new joiner, his reply, and then wishing him a merry Xmas and saying "I love you"!!! He then said it back with a kiss then she sent the 4 hearts!

Just not sure what to make of it. She was on the train as they'd been out for drinks (with others) so I'm veering between she was a bit tipsy and getting all sentimental or they're having a wild affair!

I'm being really off with him and he has no idea why - can't tell him I've read the messages and I do think there's nothing going on and they've just been friends for years but it's a bit inappropriate!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 22/12/2018 08:33

Lucking. 99% would not be saying he’s cheating based on 3 texts, 2 of which are from her.

If you think your partner is cheating with so little evidence, your either very silly or you don’t trust him as he’s done things before.

Beaverhausen · 22/12/2018 08:38

Sorry OP my DP has a female bf of 27 years and he never ends his messages on love you too or with a kiss. He finds it inappropriate as she is in a relationship and so is he, they were shag buddies in Uni. I have no problem with them communicating as I know it is just to keep in touch but they have never been this inappropriate.

I read the post to him and his eyebrows receded into his hairline which is barely there by the way. And he says there is more to it.

If it is not sitting well with you and your gut is nagging you, then you know there is something going on.

brizzledrizzle · 22/12/2018 08:44

I might have believed that she was drunk and inappropriate but he replied in the same way. How drunk was he? One pint and five pints are very different re levels of drunken stupidity. I'd be furious with him either way.

GaryBaldbiscuit · 22/12/2018 08:52

my colleagues say I love you, on whatsapp, just because they had a great evening recently.
i dont think him deleting the messages is proof op.

look at the bigger picture. I hope everything is ok

Ethel80 · 22/12/2018 09:01

I say I love you to my friends. I know it feels different because she's a woman but if you trust him and have never had reason to suspect this friendship before, why should now be different?

I have two male friends I say I love you to. One friend (who is gay) all the time both in text and in person but we're both very huggy and touchy too. My other friend, when we're pissed. I don't think we've ever texted it but it's possible we would if shitfaced.

I'm not saying it's definitely nothing but please don't see more than what is actually there until you have proof.

A lot of people on here are saying the messages are inappropriate but they don't actually know that and seem to be really judgmental about any M-F friendship.

Highfever · 22/12/2018 09:04

Is all the chat on WhatsApp? If you delete messages on WhatsApp then it leaves a note, where the message was, to say message deleted

You can then delete the message deleted message too.

anonymousss · 22/12/2018 09:10

I'm not sure what you want from this thread OP, every single person is telling you that you need to ask him straight out why he's telling another woman he loves her and you won't. Friendly or not, it's completely inappropriate.

Either ask him about it or try and ignore it, stay not knowing and you'll just be overthinking and miserable.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 22/12/2018 09:13

I think there might be an age thing going on here. I'm late 50's and if I or DH were saying love you to member of the opposite sex this would be seen as inappropriate. Younger people than us are much more upfront about their emotions, and probably more likely to say it. However, I would say this may be most likely to be the 30's age group and younger IMHO. I would watch this one OP. And I say this as someone who gave my then DH a very long leash. Too long as it turned out. When it transpired he was O dating, after a 20 yr marriage, lots of other things clicked into place, that singly, would probably have an innocent explanation. So watch and wait would be my advice. Sorry that's not what you want to hear, particularly this time of year . And just cos my XH was doing the dirty, doesn't mean yours is x

AJPTaylor · 22/12/2018 09:15

In all honesty no wonder he is bewildered.
If you want your husband to leave based on a few heart emoji and I love you from a pissed colleague then you need to get a grip.
Step away from mumsnet. You are asking strangers, with different experiences, to give you almost a vote on what to do.
If it really bothers you, just feckin ask him.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 22/12/2018 09:22

Talk to him. But for the record, I would not be happy.

CookPassBabtridge · 22/12/2018 09:30

This sounds innocent to me, especially with his reaction and how he leaves his phone around. I would say that you saw the message pop up but not that you went into the phone and that way you haven't snooped.

calamitycake · 22/12/2018 09:31

"My colleagues say I love you on WhatsApp just because they had a great evening"

I can name on one hand the number of people I have ever said "I love you" too. And none of them are my colleagues. People are becoming very insincere.

Hellohah · 22/12/2018 09:37

@bunnyup

What is when I tell my female friends I love them? Is it attention seeking then, or is that acceptable?

Icequeen01 · 22/12/2018 10:14

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants I have to beg to differ about it being an inappropriate comment if you are older. I am 58 and work with around 18 people in what can only be described as somewhere that can be very traumatising. We are all so close (men and women of all ages) and are always sending each other texts, often ending in "love you" and hearts! I sent one last night to a man who is 30 and there is most definitely nothing going on. His wife knows how close we all are (as does my DH). At work we are always hugging! I can understand how to the outside world this may all seem a bit odd but it is what keeps us doing our jobs each day.

Op only your DH can give you the answer you need but please try not to jump to any conclusions. You do need to know or this will eat away at you.

MissRhubarb · 22/12/2018 10:19

RangeRider Sat 22-Dec-18 08:11:13

She was drunk. Whenever a drunk person tells me they love me I always say the same back - it's what people do with drunk numpties!

This ^^. It's the standard response isn't it? And if he's the type to mirror which you've said he is, and he uses emojis, then this is nothing more than her having a few too many and spilling over with festive cheer and him rolling his eyes and mentally going 'yes me too, right back at you, whatever'.

OP these sort of threads always bring out the posters who want to say that it's an affair, that you should LTB and how you've been hoodwinked. Ignore them. Your DH has nothing wrong that you know of so don't wreck Christmas and your marriage just because a few sad inadequates on Mumsnet get their kicks out of piling on the pain. Tell DH that you saw the hearts pop up and it's freaked you out & you're really sorry for not trusting him. His reaction will tell you that you've been a grade A plonker and you'll both feel better. Don't let it fester.

I agree with this ^^ and RangeRider puts it better than I could. There is a poster I see on every single thread like this who always writes, "Of course it's not innocent OP" - doesn't matter how much or how little evidence there is, they're all cheating bastards in some people's bitter view. I would just speak to your DH OP. You can clear this up and enjoy your Christmas.

RangeRider · 22/12/2018 11:06

RangeRider puts it better than I could
Now you see at this point I'm feeling like giving MissRhubarb Flowers just for making me feel good about myself. Think how I'd be if she'd been a good friendly Mumsnetter to me for several years and I'd had a drink?! Sometimes you just feel good about life and people and it all overflows inside you and need to share that with them. It's a good thing. It's being nice to people and letting them know that they're good and they're appreciated. It's not all sordid affairs and hate. Sometimes it's light, happy, friendly, good. It's Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BlokeHereInPeace · 22/12/2018 11:29

So you are telling him lies consistently. All this 'funny feeling' stuff. Just say 'look, sunshine, I'm worried because I saw this message'. Stop worrying about your 'power'. Frankly he is earning the right to be pissed off with you for not telling the truth.

To me it sounds like drunk people at Christmas. Or maybe they've been shagging for a decade. Why not ask.

Galwaygirl · 22/12/2018 11:36

Hi OP, I have 2 male colleagues who I have worked with for the last 18 years, we speak every day on the phone and neither me nor them ever add heart emojis,

Lifeisabeach09 · 22/12/2018 11:57

It seems innocent to me and likely drunk talk. Depends on your relationship dynamic whether it's inappropriate talk or not and judging by your response to the messages, it is.
I'd monitor the situation.
Doesn't seem like there are any other indications of cheating.

Skyejuly · 22/12/2018 12:05

Tell him x

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 22/12/2018 12:05

This thread is something else. Humans have different boundaries, we're all different in how we act. Because some people don't behave the same way as the 2 subjects then they're suddenly in the wrong? There are some very blinkered people on here.

Punto1 · 22/12/2018 12:11

Aw, I think it's just friendship. I am so cautious about men that I like, the only ones I would send kisses to would be ones that I'm purely platonic with. In my mind they would be air kisses mwah mwah mwah etc. If I liked a guy, no way would he be getting kisses.

Punto1 · 22/12/2018 12:14

If the girl is anything like me, it's only when you know there is absolutely no room for misunderstanding, that I'd be air-kissing anyone.

Charley50 · 22/12/2018 12:14

I sense it's just him replying in kind to a drunk friend too.
Some people are very free and easy with their 'love you's and some aren't. My gut feeling on this is that they're just friends.

If it's going to eat you up, you need to tell him you saw the hearts etc and take it from there.

empa · 22/12/2018 12:17

I cannot ever imagine saying such a thing to a colleague.

My DD however has 2 men friends at work, one of them her boss, who she's known for years. After a few drinks she usually declares her love for them and they do the same back. All are happily partnered up, nothing dodgy at all.

This sounds like a similar situation to me OP.

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