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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Message from DH's colleague

229 replies

Drinkthruastraw · 21/12/2018 17:36

Wrapping Xmas presents in our bedroom last night, DH's phone charging and WhatsApp message pinged and came up on screen, so I glanced, then had a proper look as it was 4 love heart emojis! It was from a colleague who he's worked with for 10 years, never had any vibes about anything untoward although I know they're friends. So I read the chain - her asking him what he thought of a new joiner, his reply, and then wishing him a merry Xmas and saying "I love you"!!! He then said it back with a kiss then she sent the 4 hearts!

Just not sure what to make of it. She was on the train as they'd been out for drinks (with others) so I'm veering between she was a bit tipsy and getting all sentimental or they're having a wild affair!

I'm being really off with him and he has no idea why - can't tell him I've read the messages and I do think there's nothing going on and they've just been friends for years but it's a bit inappropriate!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
dollyknocker · 22/12/2018 15:37

Er, was this me?! I have a good friend at work who is male, we have always got on brilliantly but only as friends, he has been really supportive of me recently so I texted "Love you" at the end of our most recent text exchange. It's totally innocent!

eggsandwich · 22/12/2018 15:50

My concern now would be if it was all innocent then why did he feel the need to delete the message?

You either not say anything and drive yourself mad thinking the worse when it could be explained as banter, or you ask him outright, “Can I ask you something that has been bugging me, the other day when I was wrapping presents in the bedroom next to where your phone was charging it pinged and I glanced at it and the person had put love you at the end of her text, would you care to elaborate on that?”

Perhaps say “would you mind me looking at the messages she sent you to just ease my mind” if he says no it’s private then maybe say “Your acting as if you’ve got something to hide have you? Because I would rather know the truth.”

If he still says no, I would think that if he wasn’t willing to let you look for your own peace of mind then its not good, after all its not like you want to look through it regularly, and if he says I’ve deleted the message I would ask why?

bastardkitty · 22/12/2018 15:50

I don't know why you can't say that you saw the hearts pop up on the screen, given that's exactly what happened. Just say you ignored it but keep thinking about it. If he would be angry about that then you have more issues than just his possible cheating. I don't think it's innocent. I would wonder if they'd had an affair in the past ad keep in touch. If he tells you you must have imagined it or shows you the doctored conversation then you know he's a massive liar and can't be trusted.

Lindtnotlint · 22/12/2018 16:01

I really think this one is likely to be innocent. I would say to him that the reason you have been being a bit weird is that you saw something that is bothering you - the hearts. You don’t need to say you snooped or saw the I love you messages... you can just say you have been wondering a bit about the hearts...

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 22/12/2018 16:01

Has he just deleted the love you ones, or everything?

RangeRider · 22/12/2018 16:06

Men who cheat are shitty arseholes and the women they do it to should feel empowered to fuck them off instead of redrawing their boundaries to accommodate bullshit in the name of ‘working at the relationship’.
But we don't know that the text exchange was anything other than innocent!!!!! That's the point. People are tripping over themselves to tell OP that they KNOW her DH is cheating on her when they're actually saying that because they're shitty arseholes who want to cause pain to someone else and NOT because there's any proof of anything other than what is very likely just a drunken message from a platonic friend who's feeling the love towards everyone and a 'okaaay, love you too drunken platonic friend' from DH.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 22/12/2018 16:14

What @RangeRider said!

More to the point...when you can't directly ask your partner about something like this, maybe other problems are more serious and definitely already in play.

Just a thought. If you read messages on WhatsApp, you can't mark those as unread can you? So your husband will have known if you saw it before him. Maybe he has gone on a deleting spree to force your hand into admitting you took a look and that's what you're being off with him about.

I know it sounds mean but the only person definitely playing games here is the OP, by snooping, posting on here, snooping some more, but not having a proper conversation.

empa · 22/12/2018 16:14

Even if he's innocent, he might well have deleted the texts because they look suspicious. Doesn't really prove anything either way.

DitaVonPeas · 22/12/2018 17:08

The deleting isn't suspicious by default as some people delete stuff all the time. Most of us, however, don't delete messages ever - even if they're a bit over friendly - and certainly not to protect our loved ones from getting the wrong idea if our loved one is DEFINITELY not allowed to look through our phone in the first place.

I'm not saying there's anything going on, but it really could go either way at this point IMO. OP if you now mentioned seeing the heart emojis pop up it would be interesting to hear your dp's explanation. If he tells you you imagined it or that they were from his mother... that would tip the scales.

But stay positive for now, as others have said this is normal for some people. Is it believable that it would be normal for your dp?

prettywhiteguitar · 22/12/2018 17:15

Well now you know he deletes their conversations, which would really worry me

WheelyCoteClaus · 22/12/2018 17:17

Speak to your man.

MorningCuppa · 22/12/2018 17:19

Did he delete the whole thread of messages or just the I love you messages?

14allall41 · 22/12/2018 17:21

Talk to him. I frequently delete text threads and WhatsApp messages for no reason - just clearing out!

sunshineroo · 22/12/2018 17:30

Op people on here try to be helpful. Only you know the context of your marriage.

Me, I would write it off but watch a bit more closely in the future.

I would hope that I would be grown up and ask but I don't think I would.

Whatever you do, do it because you think it is the right thing, not because well meaning posters say he is doing x and y from 3 messages.

Original poster
Drinkthruastraw · 22/12/2018 17:38

But surely if I ask him the answer will be the same whether he's cheating or not? There's nothing in it, just friends etc which is probably true but if not true he's still going to say that...he's hardly going to admit it! Hence me keeping an eye out - yes it's shit and underhand of me and I hate myself for doing it but I've read enough on here to know how men minimise and act like you're paranoid etc and then hide stuff.

Yes people do project on here but most times they are proved right.

Thanks for all your thoughts.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 22/12/2018 17:42

You did nothing wrong! You should be able to talk about this to your own husband. Tell him that you glanced at his phone when it pinged and you saw the hearts. Tell him that it has been niggling at you.

If he had seen 4 hearts appear on your phone, surely he would be very concerned. Wouldn’t he ask you about it?

Drogosnextwife · 22/12/2018 17:47

I would go nuts if my DP said this to any woman other than a family member. No matter how long they had been friends. I don't tell my friends I love them so I wouldn't expect him to because it's just unecassary. That's just me though. I'm not very affectionate. I agree you shpuld just ask him, but... did he delete them because he knows you saw them? If so he will probably already be thinking of what to say.

Poster65 · 22/12/2018 17:51

Deleting them is enough in my eyes, he has something to hide.

MsJolly · 22/12/2018 17:54

I would be concerned and would keep a watching eye on him

MorningCuppa · 22/12/2018 17:59

At the end of the day, if he didn't think there was anything wrong with the messages or anything in them he wouldn't have deleted them, he would have felt comfortable enough to keep them on his phone, he's deleted them for a reason.

limpbizkit · 22/12/2018 18:13

I'm embarrassed of this (don't really go out drinking anymore) but when I did and I'd had too many I was a nightmare for saying/texting very very random things that actually puzzled me when I woke up the next morning. That included saying and texting 'I love you' to people that I really really did not love. Certainly not in thar way anyway. Its just something I can't even explain why I did. Zero feeling in it. Pure drunkeness. I'm telling you this to give you hope and perspective of what perhaps the person on the sending side is perhaps doing. Men don't tend to know how to respond to this kind of thing (generalising) and love you too was probably an embarrassed generic response. He probably deleted them because he knew how it looked. I really think you need to come clean and just ask him about it. You'll know immediately by the terror in his eyes and defensiveness if he's bullshitting you. My gut instinct is its innocent and drunk behaviour

DoinItForTheKids · 22/12/2018 18:14

OP, imho, should have told him she saw the hearts flash up - NO ONE could criticise her for that, she's got eyes, so when a notification flashes up anyone can see it regardless of whether they've snooped or not.There was no reason not to speak to him and say blimey this knocked me for six to be honest - and see what his reaction was.

Then, any snooping would have let to you being able to check if he had deleted them or not, following your conversation with him. Now you can't check that because he's already deleted them; so now you don't know even slightly if it's due to his doing something he shouldn't, deleting messages just cos, deleting messages because he doesn't want you to see them (because he thinks you've seen nothing at all so far).

Even IF it's totally innocent, the fact that it's upset you should be enough for him to take a good look at himself and how text conversations with someone else has made his wife feel like you feel OP. That should be enough for him to say "Sorry Drink, there is nothing going on but I'm so sorry that you saw that and yes, it's probably inappropriate despite the innocent nature of it - whether inappropriate or not, it represents disrespect of/a lack of concern from me about how it might affect you to see a message like that come in on my phone - I'll change my behaviour immediately".

crispysausagerolls · 22/12/2018 18:25

Fucking weird that he’s deleted

RomanyRoots · 22/12/2018 18:34

I thought it could be innocent until I read about the deletions.
Sounds like he's got you both on the go.
Maybe they've been together all this time and that's why you aren't suspicious.
The relationship is over anyway because you don't trust him.

stabulous · 22/12/2018 18:37

Bloody hell.

If they're mates there is nothing wrong with saying they love one another, I have several bloke mates who I love dearly and tell them that. You find new mates all over the place, work, recreation etc.

Platonic friendships between men and women are a thing in 2018 you know? 🙄

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