Message from DH's colleague

[Drinkthruastraw]

Wrapping Xmas presents in our bedroom last night, DH's phone charging and WhatsApp message pinged and came up on screen, so I glanced, then had a proper look as it was 4 love heart emojis! It was from a colleague who he's worked with for 10 years, never had any vibes about anything untoward although I know they're friends. So I read the chain - her asking him what he thought of a new joiner, his reply, and then wishing him a merry Xmas and saying "I love you"!!! He then said it back with a kiss then she sent the 4 hearts!

Just not sure what to make of it. She was on the train as they'd been out for drinks (with others) so I'm veering between she was a bit tipsy and getting all sentimental or they're having a wild affair!

I'm being really off with him and he has no idea why - can't tell him I've read the messages and I do think there's nothing going on and they've just been friends for years but it's a bit inappropriate!

Thoughts?

Hi OP, I have 2 male colleagues who I have worked with for the last 18 years, we speak every day on the phone and neither me nor them ever add heart emojis,
And yet a former client of mine who I had sporadic contact with purely on a professional basis once put kisses on the bottom of her email to me. She wasn't interested in me (even though I'm gay) and at no point have we shagged.
Everyone is different. Just because one poster says they do or don't do something (or their OH does, or a former colleague's second cousin twice removed's milkman's vet's postman's ex knew someone who'd...) doesn't make it gospel. You can put a whole string of love hearts on a message and be nothing more than platonic, or keep it completely professional and be shagging like rabbits.

I wasn’t going to read this thread as the annual Xmas affair discovery is a bit close to home.

Having read it, I have to say I don’t think it’s anything to worry about at all. He isn’t acting like a man having an affair. His phone was in the bedroom with you unattended, men having affairs usually keep their phones very close to them.

I think you’re ok here OP. I would literally just say “DH look I’m feeling a bit weird because when I was wrapping presents the other night....came up on your phone. I’m really sorry but I did look and the I love you’s have worried me, is everything ok with us?

All you have to say is, "I noticed four hearts pop up and I wasn't sure what to think." You don't have to say you read the messages.

Don't apologise for looking. It already puts you on a back foot. Phone pinged, you saw 4 hearts.

Just ask him!

To be honest OP, unless you actually ask him (and I know you said you can't), but unless you do, you won't know for sure.

It seems innocent, to be honest. The signs of a cheater are usually a bit more obvious - taking phone everywhere with them, screen always face down, hiding phone, getting arsey with you, etc etc etc. I have some long standing male friends, and we usually end messages with an X, but it's always jokey. My husband has a close female friend but again, it's honestly innocent.

@icequeen1 I stand by what I said about the age thing. I think your job probably makes your group different, so not the nor.

Norm.

The fact he didn't delete them was positive however that would concern me too. Does he go on about her lots?

Those saying ask him - I can't. I know he won't like that I even looked at his phone - he doesn't hide it but we've never looked at each other's phones. He's the sort of person that won't even go into my handbag. And I do feel that if I tell him I saw something, if he is up to no good he'll be more protective of his phone so I'll never know, or if he's innocent he'll probably minimise and won't show me the messages cos they do look bad and he knows what I'll think.

He does talk about her but no more than anyone else - as said before, he's known her for 10 years! Don't think she ever really contacts him at weekends, a lot of their messages seem to be about trains being late or not coming in, they have to cover each other 's jobs, or jokey links.

Those of you who say I'm getting myself in a state, well yes because lots of posters are saying that he's definitely cheating!

Ok he's deleted the messages now

I would never send a message to a married man saying I love you. I would keep checking his phone

I’m sorry OP it stinks of emotional affair, if not physical. Either way it’s inappropriate and hurtful to you as his loving wife.

But he is still leaving the phone unattended as pp have said you have been acting off with him and told him you have a feeling. He could be deleting them just to avoid making things worse! No one on her know your husband except you people can offer advice from there own experiences but that's all it is! No one can be sure what another person they have never met has or hadn't done!

You have two choices tell him and. Talk about it honestly and accepthe might be pissed off you saw his phone.

Or don't tell him keep driving yourself mad, keep checking his phone and being odd with him. Till he either finds out or gets fed up of making amends for something he doesn't know.

Only you can decide which route to take.

well yes because lots of posters are saying that he's definitely cheating!
Yes, and they're the posters who rush to jump on any thread like this and post that! Seriously, look at any post that's like this and you'll find a whole host of posters pretending that they're 'so sorry hun but' and then relishing the fact that they can put the boot in. They ENJOY it. It gives them a thrill being able to screw someone's life up (probably because they're sad fuckers with no lives of their own).
1, Your DH has given you NO prior reason to suspect anything
2, He's happy to leave his phone lying around
3, He's happy to respond to other people's messages with emojis etc. when they've initiated it.
4, He puts emojis on messages to you
5, He's not acting shifty - he's confused because YOU'RE acting weird
6, They don't have lots of weekend contact
7, He doesn't bring her into every conversation
8, If it wasn't for one (very likely at this time of year) drunken message you'd not have even thought about this.

Unless he's never deleted a single prior message then the fact that he's now (a fair while after the fact) deleted these means absolutely nothing.
Either admit that you saw the initial emojis and panicked (and even though he won't like that you've looked at his phone you don't need to admit to reading the rest) or put this behind you and move on. I'd suggest the former. Clear it up and you can put it behind you properly with a clear head (and plenty of swearing at the sad little inadequates on Mumsnet who like to stir)

I’m sorry OP it stinks of emotional affair, if not physical.
The only thing that stinks is that some people on here delight in other people's misery.

If he’s deleted those messages then he’s almost certainly deleted others in the thread and just kept the mundane ones.

The only thing that stinks is that some people on here delight in other people's misery

No that’s not it. Men who cheat are shitty arseholes and the women they do it to should feel empowered to fuck them off instead of redrawing their boundaries to accommodate bullshit in the name of ‘working at the relationship’.

It’s just about not wanting to see another woman getter mugged off by a shagging liar.

Well if you're not going to have an adult conversation with him like an equal, there's nothing else to say is there?

What an odd partnership that you cant just ask him a simple question.

I think now he's deleted the message's you know he's been up to no good. Also the fact he's been more attentive this morning

I don't think he's cheating men change when they are but it's more subtle sometimes with them as they aren't as emotional as woman, that's my theory anyway, but I used to have a lot of close male friends and I'd always say I love you but I do it to my girl friends too.

you could just try and ask him if there's anything he wants to tell you? and judge his reaction from that, but he's your husband none of us can know if he's cheated or if he hasn't and I wouldn't get to worried about the "he's defo cheated" comments because no one simply knows this.

I'd say you saw the hearts & it made you feel weird. Don't let him know about the other messages or looking further but see what he says

I wouldn’t say anything. Watch and wait.

If he isn’t doing anything, then all is good.

If he is, you will need your evidence so take photos of any messages which make you worry.

I know it’s shit, but now you are worried it will probably bother you until you find out the truth. Try to put it to the back of your mind for now, just keep your eyes open.

(Been where you are).

Maybe he’s deleted them because he has realised you might have seen them and that’s why you are questioning the release.

Both dh and I have close friends/colleagues that we say I love you to.