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Original poster

Message from DH's colleague

229 replies

Drinkthruastraw · 21/12/2018 17:36

Wrapping Xmas presents in our bedroom last night, DH's phone charging and WhatsApp message pinged and came up on screen, so I glanced, then had a proper look as it was 4 love heart emojis! It was from a colleague who he's worked with for 10 years, never had any vibes about anything untoward although I know they're friends. So I read the chain - her asking him what he thought of a new joiner, his reply, and then wishing him a merry Xmas and saying "I love you"!!! He then said it back with a kiss then she sent the 4 hearts!

Just not sure what to make of it. She was on the train as they'd been out for drinks (with others) so I'm veering between she was a bit tipsy and getting all sentimental or they're having a wild affair!

I'm being really off with him and he has no idea why - can't tell him I've read the messages and I do think there's nothing going on and they've just been friends for years but it's a bit inappropriate!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
DivaPlavalaguna · 21/12/2018 23:29

If there was something going on they would be speaking to each other outside of work between now & Christmas so why wish ‘Merry Christmas’?

TooOldForThis67 · 21/12/2018 23:31

Oh god, I've been there and got the t-shirt. She had a good night out and a few drinks and was full of xmas spirit so the 'I love you' was thrown out random, without deep thought. He knew this and that is why he sent the 'love you too' msg. The previous msg was about a new college, like an excuse to msg him.
I wouldn't worry about this at all. I've done far worse than say 'I love you' when merry. Really, if there are no other red flags then relax, give him a kiss and tell him how much you love him. Have a great Xmas. x

Kennycalmit · 21/12/2018 23:48

I have a close male friend however it would never occur to me to tell them I loved them Confused even more so if they had a girlfriend! What’s the need? Saying that I don’t tell any of my friends I love them.

I wouldn’t automatically say your husband is cheating but I certainly wouldn’t be happy! To me it’s too intimate

Katgurl · 22/12/2018 00:23

Sounds harmless to me.

MaderiaCycle · 22/12/2018 00:32

Torn on this one. I’d have to say something though...

Magenta46 · 22/12/2018 00:38

When you work with someone for a long time you can develop strong relationships, and in the workplace they can often be seen as family. We all know the daft things we say to our close relatives. Workplaces are not unlike school, all sorts of silly childish behavior with a kind of lack of boundaries regarding our language.
I would't stress over this. I told my manager I loved her tonight and gave her a big hug. She's like a Mom to me.

Choccywoccyhooha · 22/12/2018 00:46

I'd say it was harmless. I have had a few friendships like this with work colleagues, male and female. Plus my two closest friends are men and we tell eachother we love eachother fairly often. I also wouldn't be shocked or upset if I found a text between dh and his female friends saying I love you, as long as there was nothing else to suggest an affair.

itswinetime · 22/12/2018 00:59

I think the fact you know his pass code and he wasn't hiding his phone from you (he willingly left it where you could see) would push me towards thinking it was a bit of drunken festive texting gone to far.

I think the best thing to do would be to talk to him but if you really don't think you can then I would watch his behaviour see if he starts being odd with his phone not letting him out of his possession ect. While I can understand it might be tempting to keep checking his phone think long and hard. This time while wrong it was understandable repeatedly checking his phone without his knowledge crosses a line and even if there is nothing going on the trust will definitely go.

He has made you uncomfortable in the way he text regardless of the intent that is wrong but so is you breaking his trust checking his phone.

Yinv · 22/12/2018 01:04

Keep snooping. If you ask a cheater whether they’re cheating, they lie.

Yinv · 22/12/2018 01:05

I personally think it’s fine to check his phone. I wouldn’t care if dh checked mine. Why would I, if I have nothing to hide.

Original poster
Drinkthruastraw · 22/12/2018 06:41

Thanks for all your thoughts. To answer some questions, she's married too and in her 40s like us. She's the only female in their team I think and he and her are the longest serving. He doesn't go out much and does drink but never comes in steaming drunk.

I only know his passcode as he types it in in front of me, he's not particularly secretive about his phone but wouldn't want me looking at it without his consent. I can't ask him now...I should have confronted him immediately when I saw it shouldn't I?

He just put "love you too" so I think it was just a response to her, he's not an overly lovey dovey person but his mum and sister always put love you in their texts to him and he says it back rather than say it first. Yes he does send me love hearts etc.

Last night I told him I had a weird gut feeling and wasn't sure why - he was totally bewildered and asking where it had come from and what was I talking about. I said I didn't know but felt something was up, he asked if it was because he'd been out s fair bit lately due to Xmas. His words, body language and behaviour are like he's totally bewildered and I believe him but then I think about the message and want him to leave.

If I was him, I'd have cottoned on that I'd accessed the message but he didn't seem to realise. He's totally like wtf are you on about? Either he's an Oscar winning liar or it hasn't occurred to him that it's anything to give a second thought to.

OP posts:
Awrite · 22/12/2018 06:46

Again, he's either having an affair or sending inappropriate messages. If it's the latter, he doesn't realise they are inappropriate if his reaction is to be believed.

crimsonlake · 22/12/2018 06:53

You have to put yourself out of your misery and ask, you cannot carry on with this doubt.

LizzieSiddal · 22/12/2018 06:55

Reading your update I really think it’s an innocent, drunken mesaage, from both sides.

OliviaStabler · 22/12/2018 06:57

If you've had no other suspicions, then I'd think the messages from her are the results of a few too many sherries.

ballsdeep · 22/12/2018 07:02

I couldn't let this fester. Everytime he is with her in work I would be wondering. Completely inappropriate from both sides. I would be enraged of my husband told another woman he loves her (apart from family members).

redandwhite1 · 22/12/2018 07:03

Coming from someone who's husband had an affair with a work colleague, don't drop it

I saw messages and ignored them, they appeared innocent but actually had a deeper meaning, I stuck my head in the sand and let it carry on under my nose

Personally I think he's having an affair as those sort of texts don't get sent if there's nothing going on, drunk or sober

LadyGAgain · 22/12/2018 07:04

My dsis saw the same thing on her now exh phone last Xmas. 3 heart emojis. From a lady at work. "Just friends". Affair. Both married. Now both divorced and together. Hideous. It might be innocent - I have male friends I love but "love ya" is exchanged infrequently and always as part of a family update and often open and shared with spouses. What do your spidery senses say? And you don't have to destroy trust by asking calmly about what you saw. You are his wife. The one he promised to love and cherish forever.

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2018 07:13

"Workplaces are not unlike school, all sorts of silly childish behavior with a kind of lack of boundaries regarding our language."
No they're not, not in all cases!

twoundertwo54321 · 22/12/2018 07:16

I think it just sounds drunken friendly and I wouldn't be worried if I was you. It's the sort of thing you say to a female friend so perhaps she is just a bit over familiar!

LizzieSiddal · 22/12/2018 07:16

I think I’d tell him you saw the three hearts popping up last night and that had led you to think they are up to something. Do it whilst he is near his phone, so he can’t go and delete stuff. His reaction to you saying you saw the hearts, will tell you what you need to know.

You don’t have to tell him you looked at texts.

Original poster
Drinkthruastraw · 22/12/2018 07:25

I can't ask him or tell him I read anything cos then I lose all the power.

He's been all cuddly this morning asking if I'm ok...Sad

Just checked his phone whilst he was in shower - nothing there.

I just don't know what to believe - every time I think of the messages I want to tell him to leave. Whatever the truth surely that's no good!

OP posts:
NomsQualityStreets · 22/12/2018 07:28

Are you saying he had deleted the messages OP or do you mean there isn't anything else untoward there?

If you don't want to confront him now I'd wait a bit and see if the I love you messages are still there or deleted and that should give you a better idea of what you're looking at.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 22/12/2018 07:28

I think half the responses here are nuts!

She was drunk. Whenever a drunk person tells me they love me I always say the same back - it's what people do with drunk numpties!

DitaVonPeas · 22/12/2018 07:32

Wait, he's deleted them?? Fucking men.

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