Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why don't pepple like me?

156 replies

MadGoose · 15/12/2018 14:29

That's it really. I know a lot of people, I meet a lot of people. I have 2 people who would fall under the category of being 'friends' but people generally don't like me.

And I don't know why.

I work almost full time; I have a couple of hobbies through which I meet a lot of people; I have 2 children and have met other parents through them over the years; I volunteer.

I get on with people initially and 'make friends' easily but then it doesn't take long for people to drift away and be unavailable if I suggest doing things, for example.

So, here I am a week before Christmas and I don't have a single night out to look forward to; or evening out; or party; or coffee; or even a "hey how are you doing?" text message to respond to.

I've got things planned but I'm doing them either with my children or on my own if they're at their dad's.

I know that there are parties; dinners; nights out; get together's happening because I can see them on fb. Now, some of these aren't with people I'm close to so wouldn't expect to be included but the fact I can see other people are doing them means they are happening for other people out there.

I have tickets to a NYE party at a pub that I'm going to with my 13 year old daughter. We won't know anyone else there. We'll have a great time, I'm sure, but I know that other people are spending the evening with their friends and/or families.

I have one friend who I've broached this with. She just told me that people do like me and left it at that. But I also haven't seen her for a couple of months. I know she is busy but during that time she has been out for coffee with other friends and met up with them for lunch etc. Yet, if I suggest anything, she is too busy or has too much work to do or she cancels at short notice.

It was the same when I was at school and throughout university.

I'm clearly getting something very wrong but I don't know what!

OP posts:
Original poster
MadGoose · 15/12/2018 14:31

I suppose the bottom line is that if not even my friends like me enough to spend time with me, what hope is there with anyone else!! Blush

OP posts:
SpeckledDot · 15/12/2018 14:32

Why don't you ask those involved? Noone on the internet can tell you why such and such doesn't like you. That's their business

Original poster
MadGoose · 15/12/2018 14:35

I've already said I've tried. But I don't get an answer.

OP posts:
SpeckledDot · 15/12/2018 14:37

You said you asked one person. What about the rest?

Anerak · 15/12/2018 14:38

It's difficult to give any advice without knowing you. What does come to my mind is 'words make worlds' - and sometimes we create self limiting beliefs for ourselves which create our realities. Could it be your mindset that is creating this?

brick10 · 15/12/2018 14:39

What are you like when you're around other people OP? Do you look approachable, friendly? Do you ask questions and remember things your friends or other people have told you? Do you take the initiative and invite others or organise things instead of waiting for an invite or that text or a phone call ?

I was in a similar position and still am somewhat as being quite introverted I don't need much company but still wanted to go out occasionally. I realised I came across aloof and a bit unfriendly so consciously made an effort to be warmer and proactive in contacting others etc which has all made a difference. There's no easy answer so a little introspection might help and also to realise that people are very busy these days much like yourself so try not to take it too personally and think the problem is you.

Good luck xx

FestiveNut · 15/12/2018 14:44

I'm the same but for me it's being slightly too far along the spectrum for normality but not enough for diagnosis! I can make friends but have to remind myself to ask questions, appear interested, not fixate too long on a topic, not be a know-it-all or express my viewpoint too strongly, not dominate the coversation... Nowadays generally I don't bother, it's a lot of effort!

I agree with PP, it's hard to know what exactly you're doing wrong as we don't know you. Have a closer look at yourself, analyse your last social interactions. Introspection is the answer here.

brick10 · 15/12/2018 14:44

P.s I know it's hard but don't pay too much attention to FB. People only post when they're having fun and when you see two or three posts like that you think the whole world is doing it /going out/having fun etc and it's only you who isn't. (Your mind plays funny tricks on you). That isn't the case at all, so ignore ignore ignore x

Original poster
MadGoose · 15/12/2018 14:45

Haha well I guess I don't really want to approach people and say, "so, why don't you like me?"

And if they're not spending time with me, I don't really get the opportunity to do so either.

I don't necessarily think that peope dislike me, just that no one actively likes me enough to want to spend time with me. I think it boils down to that.

I don't know, Anerak. It's possible. But I do make suggestions to meet up for lunch or ask if someone is free to go out one evening.

I think it's more that when people have the opportunity to think, "ooh, I'll see if X wants to meet up. I haven't seen them for a while", I'm never the X they think of. I suppose, I don't suggest it as often as I used to but when invites get constantly rejected by pretty much everyone and are never received, I can't help but take a hint from that.

I quite often read posts on here where for whatever reason, the OP doesn't get out to meet people and so don't have friends as a result. I don't think for a second that that is any easier!! But at least, if I could see a reason for it, I'd understand it. But I do get out. I do work with people. I do know people. I do have child free time. And I do issue invitations myself. There is no obvious practical or logistical reason for it.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 15/12/2018 14:46

I guess the problem here is that none of us know you, so we can’t really answer your question.
It can be tough making new friends as an adult.

Original poster
MadGoose · 15/12/2018 14:49

Thanks, brick. I have been told I'm approachable. I'm not the centre of things but I do make an effort to interact with people. I remember things they've told me and ask about them.

Oh and I totally agree with you about FB! But, even if that is the only Christmas night out they go on, it's still one more than me...

FestiveNut Yes, I'm aware of those things too...

OP posts:
Bababoo13 · 15/12/2018 14:51

Im the same I always joke to my dh that for some reason I’m really unlikeable. I’m finding it even worse now I’m hard of hearing

Original poster
MadGoose · 15/12/2018 14:53

I agree, Soy. I guess it's just the fact that it's always been the same.

I do a couple of hobbies that are very sociable with 'like minded people' but even that hasn't helped.

I suppose, I've just always felt that I'd not yet met 'my people' but I'm now 43 and I still haven't met my people...

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 15/12/2018 14:54

Maybe it's a bit of a self fulfilling thing? If you feel like people don't like you from expereineces earlier maybe you start to show aloof body language or something like another poster said? As @soydora said it is hard to make new friends as an adult, I think a lot of people feel the same. I think it can get harder as we get older and if you add moves to different places and things like that it gets even harder.

What about getting involved with some more groups in your area, have you seen that website called meetups? You can put your area and hobby in and tells you about local groups. Sometimes they just meet once a month but you could meet some people that are interesting to do actvities with. What about a cause you're really passionate about, that can be a great way to meet nice people? A local charity or cause?

Good luck and don't worry too much, lots of people feel like this.

Original poster
MadGoose · 15/12/2018 14:54

Bababoo Sad What does your husband say when you say that? Any great insights??

OP posts:
TTCI · 15/12/2018 14:54

It always breaks my heart when I see posts like this. I really struggled to make friends right through primary school, high school and at work I was never in the popular "cliques". I always wondered why people didn't like me and then I realised idc why they didn't. I have 2 friends now and I'm very close to my sister. I would be your friend op I love meeting new people. It's so so hard to make friends as an adult. Sorry I don't have any advice. When you say the friendships drift away, is it them that stops bothering? Is there any acquaintances that you could go for a coffee with? Or any that are nice and you could say "Hey I'm so bored this year I've nothing planned, mind if I tag along?" To one of their parties? Thanks

Original poster
MadGoose · 15/12/2018 15:00

Thanks, TTCI I suppose I'd just feel a bit tragic if I had to invite myself to other people's night's out because I didn't have any of my own to go to Sad

I have invited acquiantances out - we'll go for lunch a couple of times; get on really well and then it never happens again. I'll text to see if they're free and the message goes unanswered. That kind of thing. That's what I mean, I think people like me well enough when they first meet me to be friendly and sociable but then something about me 'puts them off'.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadGoose · 15/12/2018 15:03

Sausage I do enough. I don't really have the time to start anything new. I've done it all - been involved with charities; had dancing lessons; been in bands/orchestras/choirs; run music groups; joined exercise classes; evening classes... it's never made any difference.

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 15/12/2018 15:08

Are you sure that it's not that people are just really busy? Maybe it's nothing personal. And are you sure that everyone is really out as much as you think? They could all feel similar to you.

Pinknecklace · 15/12/2018 15:10

I relate, OP. I think people just have other people in their closer set social circle. Time is short for everyone. It's not you.

Bababoo13 · 15/12/2018 15:11

Not really he’s not particularly social so that doesn’t help. He says I like you and I don’t like anyone - well that’s something I suppose.

Sunnydays1980 · 15/12/2018 15:17

I know what you mean, it's not that you feel 'unlikeable' as such but it's more why does no one bother with me/ make the effort or why am I so dispensible!! I've sent out a load of Xmas cards, as I do each year and only had about 3 back...it's like I wonder why I bother sometimes, I really do. I used to really want to go for a night out but now think it's something I haven't done for ages that it gives me anxiety. I don't really know what to say to you other than clearly you are not alone in these situations and also perhaps we need to be more bold and keep going..I have 2 young kids and one thing that has struck me when meeting other mums at groups is that people are quite upfront sometimes about making connections and think nothing of asking for your number or asking to meet again. I guess what I'm saying is that people are quite bold about making friends

NotTheFordType · 15/12/2018 15:17

OP I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

I have always through my life been similar in that I have my family but few friends.

For the last few years I've chosen to not pursue "civvy" friendships because it's easier to find friends who are in sex work too.

I do think though that if you're not "normal" then its much harder to find like minded people.

EG if you don't watch any of the saturday night tv shows, some people will find you impossible to talk to.

dimsum123 · 15/12/2018 15:23

I know what you mean. I very very occasionally get invited to something but hardly ever. DH seems to go out a lot but he always initiates it. He says if he didn't do it his friends would never contact him but this doesn't seem to bother him. But at least they are all very willing to meet up when he does contact them.

My 'friends' are all busy all the time (doing what I don't know) and I only ever go out occasionally.

I'm actually thinking of giving up on people altogether and just getting a dog.

TofuPanda · 15/12/2018 15:24

I’m really happy in my own company. Or just staying at home with DD. I see posts on FB of people at parties or doing something else together, and though I have an intial feeling of envy, I’d far rather be at home or have one person over for a coffee, or go out and meet one person, I am definitely not a fan of big meet ups. Just keep going until you find your people, or it may just be a person, and they may come and go in your life, but that’s just life. Enjoy what you do have, but keep being sociable and don’t compare your friendships with other peoples. Just focus on what you like doing, don’t do activities in the hope of meeting people, do them because you want to and if you make friends at the same time then that’s a bonus. If you assume people don’t like you, you may come across quite negative. Be more accepting. People are busy, if they are in a relationship and have children, it may be difficult to fit friends in as well. Try and feel positive about yourself.