Why don't pepple like me?

[MadGoose]

That's it really. I know a lot of people, I meet a lot of people. I have 2 people who would fall under the category of being 'friends' but people generally don't like me.

And I don't know why.

I work almost full time; I have a couple of hobbies through which I meet a lot of people; I have 2 children and have met other parents through them over the years; I volunteer.

I get on with people initially and 'make friends' easily but then it doesn't take long for people to drift away and be unavailable if I suggest doing things, for example.

So, here I am a week before Christmas and I don't have a single night out to look forward to; or evening out; or party; or coffee; or even a "hey how are you doing?" text message to respond to.

I've got things planned but I'm doing them either with my children or on my own if they're at their dad's.

I know that there are parties; dinners; nights out; get together's happening because I can see them on fb. Now, some of these aren't with people I'm close to so wouldn't expect to be included but the fact I can see other people are doing them means they are happening for other people out there.

I have tickets to a NYE party at a pub that I'm going to with my 13 year old daughter. We won't know anyone else there. We'll have a great time, I'm sure, but I know that other people are spending the evening with their friends and/or families.

I have one friend who I've broached this with. She just told me that people do like me and left it at that. But I also haven't seen her for a couple of months. I know she is busy but during that time she has been out for coffee with other friends and met up with them for lunch etc. Yet, if I suggest anything, she is too busy or has too much work to do or she cancels at short notice.

It was the same when I was at school and throughout university.

I'm clearly getting something very wrong but I don't know what!

MadGoose, I totally empathise about cringing looking back on social faux pas and lying awake worrying. You don't sound like you have asd to me, you sound like an anxious and sensitive person who was mocked at a formative age.

I had much older siblings who used to mock my childish outbursts to the point that I schooled myself to show little/no emotion and lived in fear of doing the wrong thing and making a fool of myself. Of course I grew up and got over it (my siblings are lovely btw, they were just being kids and I was a bit over-sensitive).

But I am still emotionally extremely reserved. I will share details of my life with friends sometimes, but very rarely show my deeper emotions as I will cover them over with an eye roll or a shrug and "hey ho, whatever, eh" and change the subject. By contrast people I know who wear their hearts on their sleeve seem to be universally loved, by me as much as anyone else.

I think when I under-emote I refuse to let people into my heart and they don't feel the deep connection they would otherwise attain. I don't know if you recognise yourself at all here?

See, I completely understand and agree with all of these!

Have tried it on with other men even though they’re married. Never.

Seem very serious, stressy, have an unhappy face. I don't think so... I'm told the opposite if anything.

Talk about themselves constantly, you can’t get a word in edgeways. My mother did this and it was all sympathy garnering so I'm very conscious of it! If anything, I go the other way and don't really talk about myself very much at all. There is too much I don't want to share.

Are really high energy and draining. Hm... don't think so...

Boast and brag about their kids/house/car. I’m happy with my lot and don’t need to shout about it. Definitely not a bragger..! I will answer questions about my children if asked. My house and car are nothing to brag about!

Are rude; walk away mid conversation, look past you when you’re talking to them etc No, I don't do this. But I do sometimes lose track of conversations. But I try really hard not to.

Have just met me and want to do something together practically every day, offer outlandish offers of help with the kids ie picking them up/dropping off/babysitting. Nope again I don't do this. I think I have possibly been guilty of it previously because I wasn't sure how to gauge it all! But, having been on the receiving end of it, I don't do it anymore. Probably not since my eldest was small.

I think when I under-emote I refuse to let people into my heart and they don't feel the deep connection they would otherwise attain. I don't know if you recognise yourself at all here?

Yes, I can see this. But I'm not sure how to judge who to let in. Or what's appropriate. And some of the stuff I keep hidden, isn't my fault or my shame but I do feel the shame of it. And people would judge.

From your OP you sound like a very busy person. Could it be that people just assume you’re going to be too busy to do anything?

No, I'm not too busy. I spend most evenings in, on my own, staring at the walls. My daughter stays with her dad alternate weekends and I'm in most of those on my own too. Unless I go out. On my own...

That just doesn't make sense. You don't spend 3 hours if you haven't allocated it and aren't enjoying it. That leads back to the time/old friends, thing. Have you issued another open ended invite to her?

Yes. But it's Christmas so everyone is busy at the moment. Maybe in the New Year...

Hi Op, I'm someone who knows an awful lot of people but I don't get any wedding invitations. The answer is simple; I don't keep close enough to people to warrant being the top of a limited list.

The same is with xmas, people make time for those closest to them. Make more of an effort and you will be included next year. It's not that people don't like you, it's that they don't like you enough to put you above other friends.

It's not that people don't like you, it's that they don't like you enough to put you above other friends.

That makes sense. Although it's hard to see how I'd made more effort without being 'needy'.

I don't know.

Maybe that's what I need to work on next year.

I'm feeling reassured that I don't do anything that specifically turns people away from me having read other people's dos and don'ts.

But maybe it is just that the don't like me 'enough'. That makes sense.

I do feel like I make an effort - like I say, it's all great to begin with but then other people's interest fizzles out. I'll just have to try something different I suppose!

How far into the friendship do you typically get before it starts to fizzle out? How does it fizzle out?

I haven't read the full thread yet but can fully empathise. I have a couple of "best" friends I made from school but don't see them or speak to them too often as they don't live close by, although I know they are there for me and me them.

I'm now in my early 40s and feeling at a very lonely period in my life. I'd dearly love to have a "drop in" just be myself with good friend who lives nearby. With school mums and local friends I have and enjoy chatting to them, I'm friendly, I go on nights out, but I always feel on the periphery. It doesn't really go beyond acquaintances and I just don't know why, it makes me sad.

This rings bells for me: It's not that people don't like you, it's that they don't like you enough to put you above other friends.