Why don't pepple like me?

[MadGoose]

That's it really. I know a lot of people, I meet a lot of people. I have 2 people who would fall under the category of being 'friends' but people generally don't like me.

And I don't know why.

I work almost full time; I have a couple of hobbies through which I meet a lot of people; I have 2 children and have met other parents through them over the years; I volunteer.

I get on with people initially and 'make friends' easily but then it doesn't take long for people to drift away and be unavailable if I suggest doing things, for example.

So, here I am a week before Christmas and I don't have a single night out to look forward to; or evening out; or party; or coffee; or even a "hey how are you doing?" text message to respond to.

I've got things planned but I'm doing them either with my children or on my own if they're at their dad's.

I know that there are parties; dinners; nights out; get together's happening because I can see them on fb. Now, some of these aren't with people I'm close to so wouldn't expect to be included but the fact I can see other people are doing them means they are happening for other people out there.

I have tickets to a NYE party at a pub that I'm going to with my 13 year old daughter. We won't know anyone else there. We'll have a great time, I'm sure, but I know that other people are spending the evening with their friends and/or families.

I have one friend who I've broached this with. She just told me that people do like me and left it at that. But I also haven't seen her for a couple of months. I know she is busy but during that time she has been out for coffee with other friends and met up with them for lunch etc. Yet, if I suggest anything, she is too busy or has too much work to do or she cancels at short notice.

It was the same when I was at school and throughout university.

I'm clearly getting something very wrong but I don't know what!

I think a lot of people only have a few close friends as they get older. It gets harder as people get busier, tired, things going on. I don't think it's you.

As we get older, we are more socially responsible but have less time. So I chat away to school run people, neighbours, colleagues etc but dont actually want them or need them as friends. I've barely time for my family. Could that be it? Maybe they go for a suggested coffee out of politeness. I bet there's nothing wrong with you op.

Its hard to explain, but I find I can over emphasise the importance of the way I feel that friends "should" behave. And sort of put my ideas on to them. Like, they haven't texted me enough, or they haven't invited me to X, which means they must not like me. Because if I like someone I'd have invited them to X.

The reality is that many people are a lot more casual about their friendships than I am. And also, I'm quite an anxious person, and can perceive slights where there are none.

When I was pregnant and knew I'd have to make some new mum friends, I read a book called "Friendships don't just happen". It talked a lot about the different types of friendships that exist and the different purposes they serve. And it definitely made me relax my approach a bit and I have made a number of new friends since.

Thanks for the replies!

I do get all the "are they as busy/sociable as you think?" comments - obviously they're not all out every night but, for example, I'll ask "are you free to meet for coffee next week?" and the answer is no, which is fair enough but then the next time we speak they'll say that they met up with X and Y for lunch on Saturday. That kind of thing. So no, it's not happening a lot and people don't have a lot of free time to socialise but, when they do, I'm not on their radar.

Ford I think you make a good point. I don't watch Ant and Dec or I'm a Celeb or Strictly or any of the other things on a Saturday night and if your interests lie at all outside of the mainstream, it is harder.

I think it's just that even the friends I do have aren't really interested in spending time with me!

I think I just need to start going out on my own more...

I know what you mean- it can be very difficult to persevere when you feel like you are being rejected. I’m similar- very friendly , approachable but never the ‘in’ person. I’ve made a real effort lately to meet up with different people and it’s really starting to pay off. I adopt the mindset that I don’t expect too much, then I don’t feel let down.

@MadGoose

I could have written this post (and was thinking how to!) myself. My DP has millions of friends the only time I go out with "friends" is when it's his friends and the girlfriends are invited. Disclaimer that I should say that he has never and would never stop me going it - it's not the only time I'm "allowed" out...I just genuinely don't have any friends of my own I could phone and go out with. He would be more than happy if I did. He's got a sore back in bed just now (super strong pain killers have knocked him out!) and I'm sitting here with no one that I can think of to even text to say "hey how's it going?", no Christmas catch ups or nights out or whatever. It gets pretty lonely and I also think there must be something wrong with me that no one wants to be friends with me. I had one friend but we stay over an hour and a half away and when kids came along it's hard to find time to meet - it's been well over a year since we've met and probably about 4 months since we spoke. I text last month and have heard nothing back.

I work full time and have colleagues I can chat to but they all have friends outside work also. I have 2 young kids ages (almost) 6 and 3 and my life is literally work and them. I don't have the time or money to be honest to commit to a club, gym or anything and I've tried a couple of apps designed for women to make friends but again it's a few messages then they don't reply to me. I don't do the school run as I'm working so I don't know any of the other mums from school/ nursery and at birthday parties although I really try to get involved in the conversations and I make a point of remembering things they've said from last parties (how was your weekend away you were talking about? Etc) but it's very much obvious I'm not in that club.

I don't have much advice but wanted you to know you're not alone. You sound a very genuine person from your post and I'm sure it's not you, I just think it's hard as an adult. I hope you feel better soon

It might be that you are on the autistic spectrum? Before everyone jumps on me for suggesting that autistic = no friends, that's not what I mean. It might just be that 'your people' are to be found in the aspie part of the world. There are lots of us out there, we are pretty damn cool, but slightly too unusual in some way or another for some people.

I felt reluctant cos post this, cos, you know, mumsnet. But she changed my life, and when you life is rubbish, you have nothing to lose by trying this.

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-show-up-in-life-to-best-support-yourself-and-others/

OP, when i've avoided people in this past, its been mainly to do with either:

They love talking about themself and never interested in asking/hearing about others.
They are too bossy and overbearing and dictate the whole outing
They have bad breath or terrible B.O.
They have an annoying dc....lets just say there parenting is different to mine.

Without knowing you, it is impossible to decide which one it is.

'their'

I think late 30s early 40s are a really tough time to make new friends. Everyone has a family or lots of old friends they’ve known for years who they hang out with
I doubt that the people you’ve got to know are deliberately excluding you.
Do you think you give up on friendships easily? We all try harder with people we’ve known for ages, but if a friendship with someone we’ve just met drifts then it’s hard to make an effort.
I’m in the same boat btw. I don’t have kids though, and I think I’ve been slightly left to the side with everyone else.
I wish making friends was easier

I agree with pp’s. The older you get it’s kind of harder to develop strong friendships. A lot of people make strong relationships with others when they’re at school or uni, and those are the ones that last and deepen over the years. My closest friends are ones I met years ago. I’ve had friendships with mums whose children went to the same primary as mine but I guess those are what you class as ‘convenient’ friendships, when needing your DCs to be accepted into the social aspects of school. Those friendships didn’t last once the DCs got older and arranged their own social meet-ups. I have friends at work who I get on well with but wouldn’t see them socially outside work as I just don’t have time for more friends. I have my family, extended family and my couple of long term friends and just can’t fit any further friendships in. Maybe that’s what happened with you; people don’t dislike you, they just get on better with others and can’t accomodate anyone else in their busy lives.

I get you OP. I'm autistic and people seem to like me a lot, but they also don't actively do anything with me. I'm aware I can have a large and domineering personality sometimes but I also go out of my way to tamper that and focus on them, how they're doing and with some friends that works.

Some friends are genuinely busier than others and sometimes, you've always got to be the one arranging things and sometimes you are the afterthought or the 'extra' friend. I'm happy to be that because I've learned/am learning to be happy doing things on my own. So I go for coffee, lunch, dinner, drinks, cinema, theater all by myself and I'm loving it. I ask if anyone wants to join but if they don't I don't change my plans around and go anyway, because I want to, I fancy it and will enjoy it. I take a book or some music and sit and turn off my phone and just enjoy myself.

If your ever in or around York, London or the North generally I'd be happy to meet up for a coffee or something and bemone being the extra friend and talk about our non-mainstream interests and hobbies.

I find these threads both sad and interesting, and they always seem to be written by posters who come across as articulate, self aware and perceptive.

I returned to the UK in my early thirties and still had friends here, but the majority of my close friends have been made in the last 15 years. I do make friends easily and often turn down invitations because I really value time on my own - recently widowed mother who is quite needy, work, etc. My approach when meeting someone new is to ask questions, express interest in the answers, find areas of common interest, never interrupt them (I have a couple of friends who do this). I can only think of a tiny number of people that I've had nothing in common with. Also I really like meeting and talking to people.

And I'm the most boring person in the world when it comes to "hobbies" as I have none!! I've never been into exercise, have been a 100% sole parent for 21 years (since DD was born), go to regular AA meetings (where I've met some lovely people but I wouldn't recommend it as such .....) and read a lot. I've found it all easier as I've got older, to be honest.

You sound lovely, OP. It's always hard to explain why people might not want to make plans with someone when nothing they say sounds at all unlikeable!

Do people have fun when they're with you? Do they leave feeling uplifted and positive, or downtrodden and negative?

I have - well, had - some friends who are negative a lot, and who talk about themselves, a lot. I dumped one when she knew my mum had been very ill, I'd just lost my dream job and house, and was pretty destitute, she rang and in a 50 minute phone call only once asked how I was and I managed to say "I'm ok, but..." and she interrupted then spent the rest of the call complaining how terrible it was somebody had called her dog fat and that she had no friends

I'm going to start at the bottom and work my way up...

subspace I think so! People laugh and seem happy enough. I don't 'moan'. I'm quite quiet when I'm in a group but not 'mopey' or miserable. I prefer to listen and respond rather than hold court myself.

Lobsterquadrille2 Thanks. I don't know what it is. The people who do 'like' me are always a little troubled or dysfunctional in their own way and that is why those friendships ultimately fail. Everyone else... they just lose interest.

See, I do all of those things. I remember things I've been told about family members' dental surgery; job interviews; wedding proposals and offer (I think) the appropriate responses and follow up questions - and am genuinely interested. But, equally, I don't interrogate people.

The issue for me is that people do seem to like me initially. It's just that they 'go off' me. Which is why I think it must be something about me that is fundamentally off putting when people have got to know me better!

NameChange I don't think I have a large or domineering personality, but I know that I don't really have a volume control and my mum did tend to dominate conversations. I'm really conscious of both of those things, which is how I know I don't do the latter - because I'm focused on not doing that - as I am with keeping the volume under control!

And thanks for the offer - if I'm ever up north, I'll give you a shout!

As for other comments about it being harder to make friends in your 30s and 40s and friendships are largely those made at school/university/in your 20s, I had exactly the same issue then. My children and ex husband aside, there is not a single person in my life I've known for more than 6 years and most of them I've known for less than 2. They just don't stick around...

What do you do to maintain friendships between meet ups? I haven't seen my closest friend for a few weeks for vvarious reasons on both sides, but we catch up oon the phone so whilst we haven't 'seen' each other, we have spent time 'with' each other.

I don't really use the phone.

So I use fb messenger; whatsapp; text messaging.

So, I'll 'check in' - ask how they are; follow up on something they've told me; suggest a meet up... I don't pester - I just leave them to it.

I doubt very much that there is anything wrong with you, OP.

It is very hard making friends. People are tied up in their own lives and if they are in relationships they don't tend to seek companionship outside of these.

Wait for the cheese.

Hey how you doing? Xx

I really do hope you’re alright and writing things like this can be a bit embarrassing. But I can feel it have felt like this at times. Don’t have a clue why.

But I’m much happier with one amazing mate rather than a bunch of assholes who don’t care.

It’s nice you and your daughter are going somewhere together! Your hobbies.. are they things or classes that can help you connect with others?

My feeling is that if you are making an effort both to keep your conversational volume low and also making an effort not to dominate conversations because those were traits you mum had... that there is a possibility you are on the spectrum. Also, if you are making an effort not to do the two things above, that could come across as you being a bit more serious and less relaxed because you're not really 'letting go' iyswim, you're always being careful not to speak too loudly or dominate the conversation. And so if you find that even a tiny bit stressful, people may be subconsciously picking up on it and feel a bit ill-at-ease around you. They won't know why, and wouldn't be able to name it if asked. But perhaps that's why they drift away. Do you like yourself, OP? How is your self esteem? Do you enjoy your own company? What sorts of messages about yourself did you receive growing up?
You seem articulate and insightful as well as kind. I hope you manage to find some friends to click with soon.

OP - are you a single parent? I noticed my popularity took a sharp nosedive when I became one. I know for a fact that some of my friends got hassle from their partners for their friendship with me. Other single friends stopped having time for me because of my lack of a babysitter. It's crap, but I don't let it bother me because the couple of friends that are left are really nice people, plus I'm old and don't really feel like socialising much anyway. If I was younger I would be really hurt by it all. I'm actually a nicer person now I'm a single parent than I used to be, but a lot of people just want to believe a stereotype.

Do you think that deep down you believe you are unloveable ... unworthy of being liked and having friends?
Is there a voice in your head saying that you are not good enough?
Have you considered therapy or psychotherapy?
Why did the relationship with the father of your children end?

Few thoughts:

1. Forties can be a time when people are really time poor. Kids, work, parents getting older. It’s an age where people often only really have time for their partner and maybe one or two other friends, unless they are part of a big childhood/work group. So it’s an age you really have to push e.g. host parties etc to get traction.
2. Sad to say but if you’re single, you’ll get frozen out of the couples circles by some people in case you’re a threat. It’s not right but it does happen, saw it happen to a friend of mine when she was widowed in her mid forties. The invites to barbecues and dinners out etc just dried up. There was a flurry of invites for coffee and a chat which soon petered off.
3. Are you sure you;re not projecting in some way? E.g. “Why don’t people like me?” really stands for “Why don’t I like people?” on some level. Agree with pp there could be some self-limiting thinking going on here.