Why don't pepple like me?

[MadGoose]

That's it really. I know a lot of people, I meet a lot of people. I have 2 people who would fall under the category of being 'friends' but people generally don't like me.

And I don't know why.

I work almost full time; I have a couple of hobbies through which I meet a lot of people; I have 2 children and have met other parents through them over the years; I volunteer.

I get on with people initially and 'make friends' easily but then it doesn't take long for people to drift away and be unavailable if I suggest doing things, for example.

So, here I am a week before Christmas and I don't have a single night out to look forward to; or evening out; or party; or coffee; or even a "hey how are you doing?" text message to respond to.

I've got things planned but I'm doing them either with my children or on my own if they're at their dad's.

I know that there are parties; dinners; nights out; get together's happening because I can see them on fb. Now, some of these aren't with people I'm close to so wouldn't expect to be included but the fact I can see other people are doing them means they are happening for other people out there.

I have tickets to a NYE party at a pub that I'm going to with my 13 year old daughter. We won't know anyone else there. We'll have a great time, I'm sure, but I know that other people are spending the evening with their friends and/or families.

I have one friend who I've broached this with. She just told me that people do like me and left it at that. But I also haven't seen her for a couple of months. I know she is busy but during that time she has been out for coffee with other friends and met up with them for lunch etc. Yet, if I suggest anything, she is too busy or has too much work to do or she cancels at short notice.

It was the same when I was at school and throughout university.

I'm clearly getting something very wrong but I don't know what!

That's just Kirsty's own personal list and things that irritate her.

I don't mind people who are too shy, or speak too much, or people who overshare or people who go through a difficult time and are depressed about it. I only really care that a person is nice and kind and treats me well. Nothing else really matters.

Yes, my own personal bugbear is people who are warmer to those whose friendship validates them and colder to anybody unpopular/old/poor etc..

I can't bear that lack of authencity.
Oversharing can be be entertaining but doesnt tempt me to reciprocate

Woman i work with, she told me she was late for work because she couldnt find a pair of clean knickers. I laughed like a drain but i did think 'you are not helping yrslf here'.

Woman i work with, she told me she was late for work because she couldnt find a pair of clean knickers. I laughed like a drain but i did think 'you are not helping yrslf here'

yeah that's not the sort of thing I'd be likely to overshare..!!

Yes, my own personal bugbear is people who are warmer to those whose friendship validates them and colder to anybody unpopular/old/poor etc..

Totally agree with this too.

I'm like this, but I know it's because I'm not pushy enough, I wouldn't dream of asking people to go out even. I'm pretty happy (though admittedly married so help), a bit of me would like a night out like I see people on fb doing but I suspect it's mostly quite superficial anyway

Ps if you live near me maybe we should have a Mumsnet night out!

Over the years I've shared this theory I have but in recent times it's kinda morphed into a two part theory. I'll try to be brief..

Part A:
People are magnets.
some are Positive charged, some are negative charged.
The positive charged people are the ones that walk in and have friends everywhere and you can feel their draw. They don't even have to be nice to people and they'll still have many people following them.
Stereotype of the positive charge: Highschool Bitch Teen: isn't nice but somehow has tons of friends.

Negative charged people are those that don't necessarily do anything wrong and are probably equally nice as anyone else but for some reason, people find it hard to be near them. They can be nicer than anything but still struggle to find friends etc.
The negative charge stereotype; The Geeky doormat Teen. Does everything 'right' but somehow is alone.

Between the two opposites is everyone else on the scale.

Part B
People have uses.
Think of people with the biggest number of friends. You'll tend to find those people provide a service or nother use for their friends.
Eg: ever meet a lonely car mechanic? How about a friendless PC Repairer? Or a joke teller down the pub?
They're all people filling other peoples needs and will be called when needed. But, if you have nothing to offer someone, they'll have no reason to call you.

Conclusion
If you mix the theories, magnetic people and uses, you can find some sense in social interaction.
A negative charged person could move towards a more typical positive charged person if they have a useful skill people need them for. A positive charged person doesn't need too worry.too.much bout having a use, they'll be the ones seeking out useful people.
So if you're lonely and struggle to attract friends, find a skill you can offer and the people will soon be calling you to provide that skill. It may be,
"Hey Bob, can I pop over with my laptop? It's playing up again" more than
"Hey Bob, can I pop over for a catch up?"
But the results are much the same.

(Fair warning .. this is probably all bullshit. I've formed these nonsensical theories after 40years on earth and much of them s a misanthropic and antisocial cynic)

OP you sound nice, but very serious. How's your sense of humour? Most people are drawn to others they can have a laugh with. Not sure this is something you can fake. I sometimes realise in retrospect someone was trying to have a laugh with me and I was oblivious.

You say you would "never gossip"'. I think this is quite unusual? IME most people enjoy a little non-malicious gossip and friendships are built on this.

Are you a keeper/enforcer of rules generally? I am sometimes, but many find this offputting. Eg back at school I refused to participate in passing notes, which didn't boost my non-existant popularity! I have had to learn to lighten up a bit to make friends, but when I start to get comfortable with someone I sometimes forget and put them off with my sanctimonious stuffiness.

Like you I start well but have trouble taking friendships to the next level, but I have a pretty good idea why In addition to being a sarcastic, sanctimonious bitch with the wrong SOH...:

I'm not into pop culture, eg, Bake Off, Strictly, Babyshark - whatever it is I haven't watched it, heard it, etc, and have no interest in doing so. My interests are as boring to most women my age as those things are to me. There are others with my interests, but they're harder to come by. It's harder to bond without common ground. I watched Eastenders for 3 years once to maintain a friendship with someone until we had enough shared history that it was no longer needed!

I have a difficult home life so cannot say, "Come back to mine" or "Pop round any time". Also I don't want to overshare this aspect too early and put people off which means I kind of keep people at arm's length sometimes.

Once I relax with someone I can lecture and be a bit of a know it all.

No idea if any of these apply to you, but I hope you find the answer, loneliness sucks and I would happily be your friend (but you'd probably ditch me for one of the above reasons)!

Excellent theory Klutzy. I hadn't really thought of the 'uses' aspect but I think you're right.

I think it might be as simple as they see you as the type not to complain if they drop plans, forget to keep in touch etc. My friend I get on with the least I end up seeing the most because she would gripe about me non stop if I didn't.

I'm the same OP. I've given up on people. I'm on the spectrum and think that's got something to do with it

I feel for you. I bet if you knew me, you would think I have loads of friends and find it really easy. But I do work at it too. I actually enjoy having lots of friends who I see maybe twice a year, that works for me. I also like small groups, just going out with one or two, I am not so good at meeting up with 4/5/6 friends.
What I thought might be helpful was thinking through the friends I do see a couple of times a year each, many of whom I am seeing for Christmas catch ups (I'm 40s with teen DC). I tend to go out about once a fortnight without DH to see one or a group of these friends, which works just right for me.

• about 3 (separate) friends who were very close at secondary school and I have kept in touch with ever since
• one primary school friend who I reconnected with via friends reunited (remember that?!) and hit it off
• a friend I met through a sport we did in our 20s and then we shared a journey to work together for years & we have a shared interest
• another pair of friends from the same sport who I got on well with & kept catching up with after I stopped
• one friend who was a friend of a friend but we joined a book club together and although I don't do it anymore, we meet up occasionally
• two friends made from being a parent at the same primary school - we parked nearby and walked to/from school together, becoming more friendly over the years & when the kids left decided to meet monthly
• one friend from a baby group who I meet up with with DH and her DH
• 3 separate groups of old work colleagues, people I've kept in touch with after leaving
• a couple of DH's friends' wives (he has far fewer friends than me!)
• also have two social events from the WI group I attend

So these friends have been very much built up and slowly, slowly added to over the years. It is often when the connecting activity ends that the real friendship starts, well, we either let it fizzle out or choose to carry something on.

I can't help it. So many of you sound so spectrummy (this is not an insult!!) purpleface I just love your dedication to watch three years of Eastenders just to have a topic of conversation.

Can I just drop this youtube talk in for some of you, it might be a lightbulb moment

You say you have 'quirkier' traits. What are they? And your mother worried about you fitting in. Why would that be?

My initial reaction from your posts is that you come across as independent. Nothing wrong with that. But being a friend is about opening yourself up a bit. Gossip and moaning IS part of healthy friendships. In part because it lets your friend open up and let off steam.

Another suggestion is that you seem very conscious about being a bad friend (no gossip, not offering outrageous opinions etc), you may come across as bland.

You also say you have spent many years trying to find 'your people', so maybe the people you're meeting are not people you truly want to be friends with. What sort of people make great, interesting friends for you?

Twinkle Good question! I don't really know. I just didn't do the things she expected me to and spent a lot of time telling me I should try and be more like various girls in my class at school but not being anymore specific than that!

I had imaginary animals that I spent a lot of time looking after and I read a lot but other than that, I couldn't tell you. One of the girls she used to mention was pretty, popular and from a very nice family but she also smoked, took drugs and slept around so I'm not really sure what aspect of her I was supposed to be adopting!

Again, I don't really know what 'quirkier' traits would be. None of it is quirky to me! But I know that people do comment on occasion - I just can't think of anything off hand.

I am conscious of being a 'bad friend'. A lot of that is because of the toxic friendship I had in my early 20s - I was walking on eggshells, she'd take jokes the wrong way (deliberately, i now sometimes wonder), I second guessed everything I said. And was very careful with my language.

KlutzyDraconequus Gosh your theory makes so much sense!! I think that, essentially, I am a 'negatively charged' (but not negative) person with no uses

That would explain it all!!

I think your mum told you honestly as a girl- you're 'different'. I am sooo similar to you. Not autistic, but definitely share some of the traits. I am very friendly, people like me, but I do know deep down i'm not being 100% myself often. I have very few true friends that I am totally relaxed with. But as others said, I met these friends young.

I think a key thing for me is that people pick up that I'm not 100% relaxed in their company, so therefore don't 100% relax with me. Which you do need for a friendship rather than acquaintance.

There will be loads of other people just like you around, you just need to find them! Also I wouldn't rule out men as friends? Have you?

I recognise myself in you OP (always felt 'on the spectrum', introverted etc) and at times in my life felt without friends. I live in a sparsely populated area now but despite this have a handful of loyal friends that would indeed be on the phone if they hadn't seen me in a week. However, I regularly complain that I haven't made the same progress with the school yard mums - and I've come to the conclusion that these mums are just not 'my people'. TO answer my own question: I enjoy people who display some cynicism in life (don't like dreamers or idealists), who have a caustic sense of humour and are interested in politics/current affairs. Also MUST LIKE ANIMALS. You should make a list and see if your current 'friends' fill your criteria (i.e. see if what you want is actually what you're getting). If you friends are a poor match, well then you'll have an answer to your questions.

I personally prefer quirky people, I find them far more interesting than mainstreamers. I suppose mainstreamers must find it a lot easier to find people like them and make more friends. I don't think you should change who you are. Always be yourself. Just join more interest groups and meet people with similar quirks. And really value the people that you do have connections with.

Sorry, forgot to clarify: my friends atm are basically three: different ages and stages of life (and don't gel with each other weirdly) but each ticks the boxes of my 'criteria'. What are your criteria? NameChanger22 is spot on. There is nothing wrong with you, you need to target the right matches!

I know someone who doesn't have a single friend except for me- and even I don't want to see her much. I can't explain what's wrong exactly, she's nice, she likes doing fun stuff, she's interested in the nieuws etc. But she is very very tiring. I don't know why exactly but she costs sooooo much energy. I think that that is why she is alone. Couldn't tell you what she should change though.

Nieuws= news

Sorry, writing english while DH is asking something in dutch doesn't work....

This is me, too. I have 3 long distance friends from school, uni and my first job who really do like me, and then everyone else in the world seems to be able to get no further than polite conversation. I've just had a baby and get on well with the other NCT mums and go to group meetings organised on the main Whatsapp, but I'm finding the others are going to classes in smaller groups of 2-3.

I have been told I project "mysterious" and a bit of a type-A personality, and also I work with some people who have had bad personal luck recently and seemed to think I have it easy so that made things a bit awkward as I stopped talking about my life, basically.

I dunno. It's hard. It doesn't help that my interests are reading thrillers, bad horror films, cinema in general (Limitless member so not just blockbusters), terrible teenage TV, football, NFL. So much stuff that I talk about isn't on the radar of women I meet locally.

Klutzy I agree with you too. My dh gives gives his all to people, sorting out their problems because he’s kind and helpful. He has an entourage...

This is really interesting and has been posted before.

Men will have friends based on:

1. Being funny/life & soul
2. Being able to fix things (cars/computers etc.)
3. Being interesting/clever

Women will have friends based on:

1. Being friendly/easy going/gossipy/fun
2. Being an organiser & a doer
3. Being a pushover/dormat/useful

If you dont have the above currency, you’ll struggle as these are what seem to be the most prized attributes of friends generally.

If you’re a little bit odd, eccentric, introverted, highly intelligent or Aspie then you’ll struggle, as the pool of others like you is already so small that you’ll have a really hard time trying to find like-minded people, especially if you live out of town (less opportunity) or you’re older (people have enough friends and not enough time for new ones).

It’s shit.

MadGoose I feel similarly to you, though I do have a circle of friends/acquaintances I am always the one 'organising' and often get knocked back.

I work really hard to organise social things, some with one friend, sometimes with many, but people only really seem to come to the parties. No-one ever contacts me to say hey, how are you, let's catch up.

I had 'pre-Xmas drinks' at mine this weekend and a couple of girlfriends who met each other at the last party in August were saying how great my parties are and they love meeting new, interesting people, and making new friends etc, and the two of them now meet up weekly for coffee etc etc. And the thing is, I can tell they mean it as a compliment, BUT I died a little inside because I have seen neither of them since the last party. No one wants to meet me for coffee! And I do meet funny, interesting people and try hard to cultivate them but it feels like I end up acting as a conduit for them all to meet each other, and they then form proper two-way friendships with each other and I'm on the outside.

People tell me I'm funny and interesting etc, but I obviously come across as having a wide array of friends when actually not one person has arranged to meet up with me since August. I get a lot of "God, it's been aaaages, we really must catch up" when I bump into people but if I try and say 'Yes! Great, how about next weekend" they are always busy

I'm the same @MadGoose- and now accept it. People seem to like me well enough, I get along with everyone, and have surface relationships at work where I have a laugh and a chat with people, but when it comes to the crunch of that relationship 'deepening' it never occurs. I will happily to favours for people, not doormat style, but to help out. Will do things socially some times, but I'll never be their 'core' friendships group- juts a periphery. Same situation- no social plans over Christmas have been made1 everyone is too busy seeing closer friends and family. Have suggested a few things, and having a kids play date on Friday where we will all have a lovely time catching up. But no offers will be made back. I juts haven't found that yet. I'm ok with it. I'll keep trucking at it- not in a creepy like me damn you way, and hope one day, my 'people' appear 😂