Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

As someone else said - you're waiting for the real him. This is the real him. That's all there is.

I've been reading you thread... And it has given me the courage to end my. Marriage.

I had so many realisations reading about yours and others experiences.

I am totally heart broken.... But the fog and confusion has lifted.

Thanks x

Sending you hugs @Greenmum2019 x

Me too (have pm-ed you).

I agree with the others - it can be a form of control and abuse.

I was in a similar situation and it used to make me feel so grateful for even getting a smidgen of affection.

This sounds unfortunately, all very familiar. The way he tries to turn it around and make you feel as if you are imagining it and making it all about you. It's wrong on so many levels and can really destroy a person.

My ex had actually said once with a smirk on his face, 'Ah I see what you are doing, very clever...you're very good at this.' He was implying I was very good at being manipulative and was trying to manipulate him. In this instance I was not being manipulative and was just putting forth how what he did made me feel. But it always made me question whether I was being stupid to feel how I felt when he purposely ignored me and withheld affection as form of punishment.

Your husband needs to grow up and enough of his excuses. Also, he knows and can see that it hurts you so why does he continue to inflict emotional pain on you?

You deserve to be treated with affection and love, and don't get me wrong we all have our low days but what he is doing is different, he is purposely hurting you.

Have just read the thread and nothing helpful to add just wanted to wish you al the best

That tyre example shows so powerfully, how abusive your H is. Leaving you in the rain, to sort out the problem on your own, because he was "tired" is awful enough, but to then let you watch whilst he changes the tyre of a stranger, is utterly chilling.

My heart goes out to you and am so pleased you have seen him for what he is.

It could be argued, MsForestier, that all abusers have a personality disorder. It's inhuman what they do.

That's not to feel sorry for them though. There is a significant level of willfulness involved.

I'm not having a go at you Ms. I watched a film the other night, based on a true story, which the TV guide said was about a ' troubled new York couple'. It so was not about that but about domestic abuse which culminated in the wife's disappearance - still not found decades later. The film portrayed the husband/abuser as having a chillingly sick and cruel father.

Which may be a reason for disordered behaviour but it's not an excuse.

I don't think you can argue that all abusers have a personality disorder. Some people like my Dad have, others are just very unpleasant people. What I do think is that you can't live with the abuse. You need to get out.

Which may be a reason for disordered behaviour but it's not an excuse. I agree with you here Springydaffs.

Realisation about what is actually going on in an abusive relationship can be SLOW, and I really feel that we accept the truth of the situation at the pace we can handle. In my case, I thought the problem was me not trying hard enough/being enough/explaining my intentions well enough etc. until I was flicking through a book called 'Controlling People' by Patricia Evans and, to my discomfort, most of it really resonated with me. Not until 10 YEARS and 3 children later, after a humiliating (for me) public telling off by my dh, did it dawn on me that yes, he did realise he was treating me in an upsetting way at that moment. He did get it. He simply didn't care. That was just over a year ago, and things are becoming clearer by the day. I am a Christian, so have found a lot of strength by praying for clarity about my situation as well as safe delivery from it. I feel like I will get there, but a question of when and how.

I also continue to read everything I can get my hands on about narcissism and abuse, trying to make some sense of how someone (when I, on the rare occasion, fight back or raise my grievances) can weep that they feel they are losing their best friend and 'don't like fighting' before turning around and treating you worse than anyone else. Tellingly, there are none of these sad outbursts as long as I am not making waves.

What I found hard was the realisation that I couldn't change the person who was abusive and that I had to let go of the relationship. I think people rarely change even with professional help. But I can understand why you wanted to explore every avenue jamaisjedors. You've been really inspiring.

I am realising he probably CANNOT change and certainly at the moment does not WANT to change - as my psychotherapist said, this is working for him on some level.

I felt just such immense grief yesterday all day and last night, only managed to sleep at around 3-4am (headed down to the sofa).

H is acting totally normal, didn't even ask me about it this morning over breakfast despite the DC not being around.

I have to tell him again that I definitely want to separate but I just can't seem to make myself do it, because once it's said, it can't be unsaid (mind you I said it a month ago...).

And then I have to live in the house with him until the practical side of things is sorted.

But it feels wrong to prepare everything "behind his back" because we need to make decisions TOGETHER about the DC etc.

you can make decisions concerning yourself - such as finding out all the financial stuff, finding somewhere to live, etc without his input. The children can be dealt with after that. Dont give him every weekend because he will take all the fun and easy time and leave you the grunt work.

Behind his back?! You've been making it tremendously clear you are not happy. It's not like you are stealing money or planning to spirit the
children away to another country.

How would involving him in your house search help either of you? Perhaps you need to lay out the decisions that must be joint and within those the ones that will have to involve a solicitor.

He has confessed to deliberately punishing and hurting you. Do you think he will decide to be Mr Reasonable when he realises that this time you mean it? Why open you and the children up to that damage before necessary. For children it is usually better to have a quick switch to new arrangements after the announcement is made. Limbo lasts forever to children and is very very confusing.

He will unreasonable about the DC, he pull every guilt trip. He is abusive and doesn't care about hurting you or the DC.

Endure there is a quick exit for you and DC. You have told him, he refuses to listen he will do the beat minimum in order to think you will stay.

He's not your friend. He is incapable of being reasonable and fair.

He hates you, really hates you, his chosen receptacle for all his outrage and hate. He will go into overdrive when it is clear you are going. (in my case my abuser never stopped targeting me until the day he mercifully died.).

You need to get as much done as possible before the shit hits the fan. He is your enemy, has proved himself to be over and over. Quit thinking he's going to miraculously change and be fair like you. It's simply not going to happen. Xx

You are forced into subterfuge to protect yourself and the children. That's bcs of who he is, not bcs of who you are.

I've been following your thread for ages @jamaisjedors. You are being so strong, and just standing back and looking at what your DH is really up to is important - gives you strength. I'm another one who can really relate to what's happening in your life. I've spent years twisting myself into knots, questioning what I do and how I react. And it's him. Of course it is. I'm not pretending I'm perfect, but I don't have the anger/moods/sulkiness that he shows - but only at home. Somehow he manages to control his feelings at work and with everyone else. Funny that.

When he started taking his moods out on the DCs, it was my red line. (Which is good, but I'd put it up with it towards me over and over. I wasn't worth it). He has improved - and we've made some progress, But it's that thing someone said up-thread about not being able to trust it will last.

I know of someone whose partner uses physical intimidation when he's angry. Thank God she's making plans to get out - and I recognise that's a whole different situation. But I also know that verbal and emotional intimidation/moods/sulks aren't acceptable - for me or any of us on here - either.

That tyre story was really bad. And it was interesting to me that when initially telling us about the weekend you didn't bring it up. Is there a part of you that thinks you perhaps deserve this treatment? I think that is where people like this succeed - they target people who are perhaps insecure or who are used to being blamed for things and they manipulate it.

It's nowhere like the same but I had an extremely pa flat mate once. And it took me a while to realise that every time she "punished" me for some infringement, I really and truly had not done anything wrong. St that point in my life, based on my background and experience, I was used to taking responsibility for other people's behaviour.

My point is that I suspect thee are 100 more stories you aren't telling us because either you are embarrassed or you secretly think there is significant blame that should be attached to you?

As I've said earlier in the thread, it's understandable you don5t want to rush this. And that you love him. But as you talk and think about all these examples you have to consider whether this is something you can continue with for another 20 years. Also, during the tyre incident, what were the dc doing/feeling?

Please be careful OP.
I'm very similar to you. Despite my H treating me appallingly, it was always important to me to feel I'd been fair and kind, since I was the one initiating the split.

Now that we are going through divorce, those feelings are a lot less important, trust me! He has no interest in being fair and kind. He just wants to screw me over.
Meanwhile, because I started divorce proceedings against him, he seems to think that nulifies any need for him to take any responsibility for us splitting up. I'm very clear on this in my own head thankfully, and actually, his stinking attitude is simply confirmation that I am absolutely right to cleanse my life of him.
Just be prepared for him to not want to discuss anything or make any decisions reasonably. He won't. If (like me) you need a clear conscience, then offer him an opportunity to discuss only the things which directly affect you both or the children (nothing that is solely your decision or only about you), and be firm in your viewpoint. If he throws his hands in the air and refuses, then walk away with your head held high, don't keep trying.

Agree that you need to make arrangements in secret. You want your plans to work, don’t you? If you give him a sniff of your plans he will do what he can to subvert and obstruct you.

By the way...I may have missed this elsewhere, is there any possibility that he would move out? Not you and dcs.

When you’ve talked about separating before, has there never been a suggestion that it should be him moving?

The safest thing for you is to get documents, certificates together, sort out accommodation etc. quietly . Don’t tell him about solicitor appointment. You really need to be braced and ready to act at the point which is best for you. He will be utterly affronted and outraged when/if you finally leave. His outrage will be white hot, even though you have honestly flagged up all the problems and your deep unhappiness in your relationship. This will count for nothing with him, but you cannot let that hinder you. He doesn’t care about being reasonable or honourable. Don’t expect your values (of reasonableness and honesty) to have any hold on him. His pathology (of sulking) is one of being able to ‘hold out’ for longer than you. His whole method consists of ‘not budging’’, so this will be your problem in getting effective resolution. You have to make decisions and establish a separation before any ‘next steps’. Once you have got that, you will be well-defended and have a healthy distance from his nonsense. It will still affect you but you won’t be living with it.

Don’t expect him to ‘mellow’. That’s not how he operates historically and that’s a good predictor of what he will be like in the future. I hope your solicitor is ready for that. Make sure he/she has plenty of experience with extremely obstructive and/or abusive spouses. Seek out someone else if they haven’t.

You need to get as much done as possible before the shit hits the fan. He is your enemy, has proved himself to be over and over. Quit thinking he's going to miraculously change and be fair like you. It's simply not going to happen. Xx

Please listen to this advice.

You need to do as much as possible without him knowing, so that when you next say "I want to separate", everything is in place for you to leave with the dc, very quickly.

Op those links you posted describe my H perfectly.

My mum left her partner. She bought a new house and only told him when she had to start packing.
It'd been an awful relationship.
He was very upset to have no notice but tbh blame aside nothing would have been improved by having him sulk for 6 weeks.